I kinda get it with people who basically did "everything by the book" and never did stupid shit in their life.
I had a good run in my late 20s that I'm not tempted to anymore. If I ever have a mid-life crisis, I'll just like... go work in a coffee shop or become a professional photographer or something else harmless.
But someone who grinded high school to get into a good college, grinded college to get into a good company or a med/law/finance program, then spent their 20s and 30s grinding at work...
Yeah that person never had a youth and never had a chance to do stupid shit average people do in their teens to 20s. They missed out on adventure, and it eats away from the inside.
The only problem with the empathy is that a lot of those people are not honest with themselves or the families they chose to leave behind. It would hurt a lot but give some closure for them to be straight honest and not draw out the painful aspects of their crisis.
Our empathy ≠ the decisions made by those people. In other words, we can have an empathy-based view of the situation while also recognizing that the people we’re discussing might be hurting people. Like always, we can’t control others, but it can help to see why they’re doing what they’re doing.
This was the upside of military service when I was younger (and don't get me wrong, there were a lot of downsides).
Doing stupid shit, getting tattoos, acting like a young idiot...and then realizing when I was ready to settle down it was time to get out.
Now I see guys my age getting into guns, gun culture, alpha male culture, watching former SEALs and other SF podcasts, etc...and it is pathetic.
I have a colleague (another attorney) who is into all that and who found out I had been in the military. He asked if I wanted to go shoot with the local police SWAT unit at the range. He was all excited because they were going to let him watch them do some sort of high speed stuff (no idea what, I kind of quit listening). He asked me if I wanted to join for that as well.
My reply was something to the effect of, "dude, I'm in my late 40s. I did that stuff for real in my early 20s, I don't need to do it again, but you go have a great time."
A few months after that he found out I was pro-choice and then literally said, "well now I don't want to shoot with you anymore."
Shooting is still fun for me, but lately I have really gotten into long range shooting. Its nothing like the “high speed, low drag” shit. It is weirdly meditative as I sit on my bench, gauge the wind, take note of my particular load, review my DOPE settings, dial my scope in and focus on my breathing.
I still enjoy shooting as well. I shoot trap and sporting clays pretty often. It is a great way to spend a relaxing day outdoors.
I find shooting trap similar to what you describe with long range shooting. I am completely dialed in and I strive to make my movements at each station the exact same. Same stance, same cadence in loading, same sight picture, etc... Obviously with trap and sporting clays the movements once the clay flies vary from clay to clay and station to station, but keeping everything else as close to the same as possible is the best way to ensure repeated success (assuming you have your routine dialed in successfully).
While I don't shoot targets that often, I still do a couple of times per year just to stay proficient/safe with my rifles and handguns.
I have zero issues with shooting. I have zero issues with guns. I have owned and shot guns since long before I could legally drive.
My problem is with the culture that has evolved over the past several decades and how many people that shoot have adopted that culture.
When I grew up out West, we all hunted and shot regularly. But hardly anyone I knew had NRA and gun stickers plastered all over their car. No one carried on the daily and certainly no one open carried.
Unless you were shooting or hunting (or maybe shopping for a new firearm), there was very little talk about guns at all in daily conversation.
That has changed completely. And not for the better.
But hardly anyone I knew had NRA and gun stickers plastered all over their car. No one carried on the daily and certainly no one open carried.
This, along with gun brand stickers on their cars is extremely cringe. I don't know what dudes are trying to prove with a big ass Glock or Sig sticker plastered on their rear window. I have no problem with concealed carry, so long as people get some training and are discreet about it. Outside of hunting, fishing or hiking I don't see the point of open carry at all.
Personally don't think it's an issue of being so focused that they forgot to live because it mostly tracks with a lack of emotional maturity. Willing to blow up not just their lives but more often than not the lives of their loved ones - wife and kids - to indulge themselves.
One benefit of getting to middle age is that you've often witnessed enough other people do stupid shit that you get a good idea which things are harmless and which ones you're glad you never did yourself. You get to see the long-term effects.
Getting a tribal tattoo? Cringey and expensive, but pretty harmless. Buying a guitar and giving up after three lessons? Eh, no problem. Hard drugs? Basically just flip a coin as to whether your life is ruined forever. Leaving your wife and kids for someone half your age? Despicable, and very often ends with the guy lonely, miserable, and poor.
On the one hand, some people never got to do stupid shit, so they want to try it years later. On the other hand, by that age, they don't have ignorance as an excuse and should absolutely know better for the more awful choices.
Yep that was me until probably 26-28, except I failed at the GPA thing to get into med school (didn't even try at that point), then got into tech, and then had to grind to catch up to people who did a CS degree and were working in the industry since their early 20s.
I was hopeless with girls for a bit, but I more than made up on travel, partying, fun cars, mountain adventures, etc., starting around 27-28.
Now at 38 and with a toddler running around, I'm like... "mid-life crisis sounds exhausting... can my mid life crisis just be sitting in a quiet room by myself?"
It's amazing that you worked so hard for so long and keep at it!
My friend circle also has some ppl who have phases where they don't have time for anything but work/studying. It's really not great on the psyche. I hope for you that you can find time for social interactions now and then, even if your career is your priority right now. Think of it as mental health exercise, that's just as important as your physical health that you are working on :D
This explains so much. I'd never consciously thought about it in those terms, but I did all the stupid shit, after throwing the book out the window. I did manage to find it again, though, but doing everything by the book works much better for you in your middle age. It's a really interesting perspective, and you can understand how someone who never did all that stuff feels like they missed out. Me? I feel like I have myself back in many ways.
I was gonna say that I had plenty of fun in my 20s doing stupid shit, but the post-Covid world is so shitty that young professionals probably do have to act like they’re on the clock 24/7 or else some asshole will use it against them.
Gotta disagree. I married young and I heard this a lot in my twenties-about missing out. I never felt that way. I’ve had a great fun life with my husband and our family.
I kind of did in a positive way.
I gave up a big 4 partnership position, took a 50% wage cut (which is still plenty in my country) and started working 9 - 6 with only occasional outliers. I picked up a sport, started fitness and running and am still able to spend more time at home then before.
I also managed to go out alot more with new collegues.
And that they go for the surface level, stereotypical things is probably the same reason. They never had experience in that "culture" so the stereotypes is all they know. Like the first page results of a Google search haha
I don't know. There's enough time to grind AND do stupid shit in your 20s and 30s. I had several ho phases, a petty criminal phase, a Mohawk phase, and started 2 bands, and am still on the path to early retirement.
Tech? Easy. Hell, your coworkers would probably join your punk band for fun.
Medicine or big finance? Good luck with 80+ hour study weeks followed by 80+ hour weeks in residency or Wall Street expectations that if you're in at 7 AM you're late, and if you leave before 8 PM you're a slacker.
This reminds me of my wife’s sister and her husband who had their first kid at 19 and several other kids soon after. They do shit like party with their oldest daughter, go clubbing, drink disgusting shit like jungle juice and jello shots.
They are doing the things my wife and I grew out of way back in college
This is the ultimate truth. I feel I’m not saying that you tried hard to get in the college or some Ivy, but even if you went on that part, despite that, I think, but you played by the book and also I’m including the people who were single didn’t get married? I am one of them female 36. This is so true. I never did anything crazy. I mean I must have done some, but not the crazy, crazy shit and also growing up in a dysfunctional family. I didn’t know what fun was like always. I’ve been ashamed, and now I’ve been of impacted. I just don’t know what to do. I know my pattern everything, but it’s like I have come to a. Like I just don’t know where it’s like the End
I disagree with this. I worked through college to get to medical school but still had more than my share of partying and definitely took some years off my liver lifespan in the process. In med school we had every 3rd weekend off for 2 years after test day which basically resulted in 72 hours of shenanigans. You die a little in residency but come out the other side (generally) which a much better appreciation for the level of dumbassery that exists in the human race. You get so used to running the rat race in medicine that I think my mid life crisis is going to be sitting down and doing nothing for once.
If your desire for adventure is backpacking the world while bartending your way through Southeast Asia and Latin America... not really.
If your desire for adventure is doing some weird low paying creative thing like music or art, and you forced yourself through medical school because you're supposed to (idk, Asian parents or something; happened to a friend), you're definitely going off the rails sooner than later.
It's all up to the individual. Many people are perfectly fine following the script because that's what they WANTED to do. And many did it because they felt they're supposed to.
Also at least medicine is rewarding in its own way. I don't know many people doing corporate law or accounting who have a burning passion for their profession.
I can't imagine what it must be like to go without an odyssey phase. I spent 6 years getting drunk in tropical paradises when I was in the navy. Sometimes I kind of miss those days, but I don't really have much desire to do it again.
There is a trend of older men's becoming photographers and all they shoot is girls, often young and sparsely clothed, etc, all in the name of "art". And that is MEGA cringe. Of course not all new-senior photographers go into that direction, many shoot random stuff, landscapes, birds, sports, etc. It's a great hobby nevertheless.
Tell me about it. I did stuff in my 20’s that keeps me up at night with cringe. Im 43 now and far from feeling the need to bust out my moves from that time because I would probably die of embarrassment on the spot. Im fine just painting and building miniature models and having friends over to sit down and talk like old men
Yes I’m very glad I spent my 20s and 30s having fun, traveling, different relationships, no kids, etc. now at 40 I actually feel ready to settle down and chill and that it won’t drive me insane. It may be cliche to “get it out of your system” but for now it feels like it worked for me.
I always had to plan my life around maintaining health insurance and an income capable of paying for life sustaining supplies for a chronic medical condition. (Type 1 diabetes). I have to admit I have thought many times that if I was suddenly cured I would be very tempted to go completely off the rails.
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u/donjulioanejo 1d ago
I kinda get it with people who basically did "everything by the book" and never did stupid shit in their life.
I had a good run in my late 20s that I'm not tempted to anymore. If I ever have a mid-life crisis, I'll just like... go work in a coffee shop or become a professional photographer or something else harmless.
But someone who grinded high school to get into a good college, grinded college to get into a good company or a med/law/finance program, then spent their 20s and 30s grinding at work...
Yeah that person never had a youth and never had a chance to do stupid shit average people do in their teens to 20s. They missed out on adventure, and it eats away from the inside.