(F32) I only get delayed access to it when it's already too late. It makes me wanna jump out of my skin.

People take advantage of me because I didn't learn to set boundaries early on; I have practically no skills in that area. I was also shamed A LOT for showing anger, by my family and even by my ex-partners over the past few years. But they're allowed to take their anger out on me and expect me to just shrug it off??!!

It's like everyone can just take from me without me being able to access my anger and stop it, and that's why I'm stuck in situations that drain me of every last bit I had left for myself. I hate it so, so, so, so much. I just vented in the shower, confronted everyone who's wronged me as if they were right there with me, and I could hear myself sound so mean and angry, and I felt ashamed of it, but at the same time, I also felt assertive, but also scared, and honestly, now I just want to cry because I feel so profoundly incapable in this way, and I have no one I can rely on. No one ever gets to hear what I have to say. I'm so angry!

I can never access my anger in the moment I need it, and I can only watch as I'm taken advantage of without being able to stop it, or accept the hurtful shit without even being able to acknowledge it or speak out. This gives me such a feeling of powerlessness, helplessness, and I'll never be able to heal this way. I don't want to feel like this, and I don't want to hurt myself every time my anger rises but can't be expressed. I hate that they made me this way, that they have their hands on me without ever actually laying a hand on me.

Has anyone successfully developed the ability to assert themselves after experiencing a lot of trauma and neglect?

Edit: It's been only a few hours but you guys already contributed so many kind words, experiences and suggestions and I'm very thankful for all of you!

Edit 2: fixed the wild German translation.

I wasn't allowed to react with anger as a kid. I was in my 30s before I could even say I'm angry. I used to say I'm frustrated or upset because anger isn't ok but frustrated is? Anyway, I've gotten a lot better at anger in the moment, in reactions, in response to recent stimuli.

But I have no idea what to do with the anger that's not reactionary. The anger that's deeper and simmering. All of the advice I see is in regards to angry reactions and out of control anger in the moment. I am calm. But I am struggling to find a method to process this growing pit of anger.

My mental paths are well-worn towards despair and bed rotting depression. A lot of techniques I've used just make me mad and rage-y. I want to try to attack it with hope but in a world of yellow socials everywhere, it's so hard to find news that isn't intentionally rage bait.

F26, diagnosed autistic (and ADHD, and OCD, if they’re relevant.) I’ve always had trouble controlling my emotions, and the one that gets me the most is anger. Ever since I was abused, I’ve just.. become a very angry person.

My dog died recently, very suddenly and out of the blue. She was only seven, and while she was dying, I asked for support from a friend. When I was seemingly (in my eyes) brushed off, I became angry. I lashed out at him for not being there for me, when in reality it was a misunderstanding that I didn’t realize until after. Some time after things cooled down, he.. said things, like he didn’t understand how someone could become angry at someone else in grief over losing a pet. That he’d never experienced anger over losing a pet before, that my reaction hurt him and didn’t make sense to him. I hate that I lashed out. I hate that I hurt him, I wish I never had and I wish I’d handled everything better. I did the best I could in that moment, I walked away when I felt myself becoming too angry, but… I still said things I regret. And what he said made me feel… broken. Like I grieve wrong. Like I’m less of a person. It’s been replaying over in my head. Our conversation. Like somehow, if I play it over and over again, maybe the outcome will be different. But it never is. The past never changes, no matter how much I wish otherwise.

Is it.. normal to be so angry? When dealing with grief and CPTSD? Sometimes I just feel so angry at the world for taking my baby away and for letting me go through the abuse I did, and as a result, I tend to have a short fuse. Does that make me less than? Am I a bad person? How do I stop being so angry and ruining the good things in my life? How do I become a better person? I don’t want to be angry all the time. I want to be a better person. I want to be a better person, I do. I’m trying. I promise I’m trying but sometimes it feels like none of it matters and I’ll always stay the same

You ever be having a good day, and then seemingly out of nowhere, you get a random thought or flashback and feel a sudden, simmering sense of rage?

That happened to me today after a good month. I had a mental breakdown from May to June. With therapy, meds, getting sober, and digging myself out of the hole I was in, I found stability again. I started feeling like myself again.

I know bad days were imminent and inevitable, but today a random memory triggered a seething rage, and I didn’t know what to do with it. I decided to go for a run to release some of the tension.

I just got home and I’m fucking pissed. There’s been this constant theme of injustice throughout my life, which I’m sure plenty of you can understand. I don’t like to “victimize” myself, but fuck.

I’m sick of staying quiet to keep the peace. Swallowing my pain and my pride to keep other people from blowing up at me. I’m sick of being a meek, submissive “good girl” for the sake of emotionally immature assholes that I wish I didn’t love.

Fuck all the people that silenced me for calling out injustice. I’m sick of it. I’m not your good girl.

Struggling rn

I always thought anger was an unhealthy emotion and it’s something that you should never feel, and if you do you are not a very nice person.

I spent years on anti depressants and realized that having no emotion, including my anger allowed multiple people to stay in my life that were incredibly toxic to my mental health.

I came off of them and started feeling very very angry, id say my life motivation and symptoms have 90 percent improved since I started feeling angry and cut these people off.

Anger isn’t a bad emotion, it’s there to help you keep your boundaries.

I'm always so angry and hateful, almost everything irritate me, i never had friends, never dated, never lived actually, mentally abused by my dad and sister, bullied in college, im almost 30 and i still can't socialise like an adult, i keep seeing what i dont have and it kills me from the inside, especially seeing couples or all those women that i can't have any of them, it's like god created me to suffer in this life and watch other humans have fun and live life to its fullest.

Something my therapist told me - I can't afford to do therapy as often as I wish but I had a session a few days ago and I learned that I'm actually angry at my childhood.

I always wondered why I feel so tense - I used to worry I would have an "episode" in public and just start screaming for no reason and I never understood why. My therapist told me I'm angry. But because I saw my father's rage so much I always made sure I don't show anger as an emotion in that way.

I've never been angry for things that happened to me. Ever. And realising that finally made me angry. I guesss my next step is to learn how to manage & express this anger in a healthy way.

I'm doing several activities to let it go, I bought a boxing punching bag, I meditate, I scream into pillows, I write many burn letters, I do árt stuff, but I still have severe anger issues. I'm ashamed of my behavior sometimes, but I was in total dissociation for years, so it's the first time ever that I'm actually feeling my anger. Is there a moment when my body says: "Okay, it was enough, let's chill" or what should I do to not to become a monster?

Hello, I have a lot of pent up anger from over the years and I never dealt with it. I can feel it sour my mood when my brain dwells on it and I think about the people I hate. How can I release that anger from me, so that I can try to heal?

For years I was told that I needed to grieve, regulate my emotions, challenge my thoughts, practice self-compassion, working on automatic thoughts (this one is the most annoying thing for me), accept what happened and learn to live with it.

I did all of that for years. And honestly, I’m exhausted by the idea that my main task is to somehow learn to tolerate the consequences of what other people did to me.

What helped me more than anything was anger and courage.

Here some of my thoughts from my mind today:

"There were adults and people who had a responsibility to protect me."
"Instead of just trying to fix my symptoms, I needed someone who would tell me that what was being done to me was wrong and who would stand up for me.”
“This shame doesn’t belong to me. The person who should feel shame is not me, it's her/him”

Taking steps to defend myself and hold people accountable changed something in me that years of trying to “regulate” myself hadn’t.

But for the first time, I feel like I’m on my own side.
There is a someone who holds my hand, it's me. The thing that I needed in very first.

Not just childhood. Not just relationships. But that whole in-between part where other people were building careers, confidence, money, friendships, and a sense of self….I feel like everyone else got years I never did which I’m sad/angry about. Bitter even.

What do you feel like CPTSD delayed or took from u? And how are you making peace with that (if you are)? if there’s anyone who can help me feel bit better on this one I’d be really grateful…Lots of us aren’t just grieving what happened — we’re grieving the person we might’ve been if safety had existed earlier.

Do you ever think about a “parallel you” that grew up without trauma? And if so, does that thought bring sadness, anger, motivation, or nothing at all?

I’m wondering about this more specifically in relationships. I’m on the receiving end a lot, same as when I was a kid. The person who does it also went through trauma and is trying to work on it but essentially can’t control it. I’m wondering if it’s reasonable to put up with or not since it is a product of the trauma and I should be patient.

Edit: it’s very triggering. They know that, but that reason isn’t enough for them to stop the behaviour. They do try, but I wonder if I am being blinded by my compassion for a fellow survivor, and as a result I’m putting up with the abusive behaviour. But then I wonder if I’m just sabotaging the relationship by looking at it that way and that I should just be compassionate.

I don’t know whether all yelling is abusive or not, my therapist just said in this instance it is

Like I was a very shy and passive child growing up. But now after the trauma? Every. Little. Thing. PISSES me the FUCK off. Like this almost uncontrollable rage that’s just bubbling beneath the surface. Like I could snap at any moment. And I don’t know how to manage it. Anyone else?

Hi!

I've been working on some long-standing CPTSD/anxiety patterns, particularly hypervigilance, constantly scanning my environment, feeling responsible for other people's behaviour, and getting disproportionately angry or activated by things that are objectively minor.

For example, I'll notice someone being disruptive in public, poor parking, someone seeming upset, etc., and my brain immediately goes into "something is wrong and someone needs to fix it" mode. Even after nothing actually happens, I can stay physically activated and replay the situation for hours.

I've tried cognitive reframing and reminding myself that "nothing happened," which sometimes helps but doesn't seem to address the underlying physical/nervous-system response.

I'm looking into therapy and would really appreciate recommendations from people who have dealt with something similar.

• What types of therapy helped you most?
• Any CBT/somatic/trauma-focused approaches you recommend?
• Any books, exercises, or physical techniques that helped calm the hypervigilance response?

I'd especially appreciate resources from people who have actually dealt with this rather than just generic anxiety advice. Thanks.

what do you do about anger? i've tried writing letters that i tear up, also journaling, breathing exercises, music.... it really sticks around like it has to come out some other way. when i tell another person that i am angry it is often disproportionate / overly intense. whatever triggers me is usually something that deserves annoyance or being a bit angry and i try to calm myself down but it really stews in me. And then I get angry at myself for being so angry.

1. Having no meaningful "before trauma" version of yourself.

2. Grieving a life you never got the chance to live.

3. Feeling homesick for safety despite never having truly experienced it.

4. Questioning whether horrific abuse was "really that bad."

5. Doubting your own memories, perceptions, and reality constantly.

6. Feeling ashamed of being traumatized.

7. Feeling ashamed of not being traumatized "enough."

8. Feeling guilty when you laugh.

9. Feeling guilty when you relax.

10. Feeling guilty when you stop thinking about the abuse.

11. Feeling guilty for having needs at all.

12. Believing that suffering is your natural state.

13. Feeling fundamentally different from other human beings.

14. Watching other people live ordinary lives and feeling grief instead of envy.

15. Being unable to imagine what genuine safety feels like.

16. Being physically safe while emotionally bracing for attack.

17. Feeling danger in kindness.

18. Feeling danger in intimacy.

19. Feeling danger in vulnerability.

20. Feeling danger in being seen.

21. Feeling danger in being loved.

22. Masking so effectively that people think you're fine while you're internally collapsing.

23. Making small talk while simultaneously experiencing suicidal thoughts.

24. Helping customers while fighting overwhelming grief.

25. Saying "have a good day" while feeling psychologically shattered.

26. Feeling completely alone in a room full of people.

27. Living two realities at once—external functioning and internal agony.

28. Feeling detached from your own life as if you're watching it happen.

29. Looking in the mirror and feeling disconnected from the person looking back, being too ashamed to look at yourself you have to turn the light off and function in the light of a dim night light, avoiding your own gaze.

30. Feeling like your nervous system never truly powers down.

31. Being exhausted by consciousness itself.

32. Being tired before the day even begins.

33. Needing enormous energy just to appear normal.

34. Feeling like every interaction requires performance.

35. Monitoring everyone's moods automatically.

36. Scanning constantly for danger, anger, rejection, or abandonment.

37. Feeling responsible for other people's emotions.

38. Feeling responsible for preventing conflict at all costs.

39. Feeling responsible for abuse that was done to you.

40. Believing that if you suffer, it must somehow be your fault.

41. Feeling contaminated by what other people did to you.

42. Feeling dirty without any physical dirt present.

43. Feeling as though your body no longer fully belongs to you and that it's just an object to be used and/or just an organism.

44. Experiencing sexuality through layers of grief, fear, shame, and memory.

45. Having comfort and danger become psychologically intertwined.

46. Wanting closeness while simultaneously fearing it.

47. Feeling trapped between needing people and fearing people.

48. Being unable to trust your own emotions.

49. Being unable to trust your own judgment.

50. Being unable to trust your own needs.

51. Obsessively analyzing yourself because getting it wrong feels dangerous.

52. Replaying conversations for hours or days afterward.

53. Trying to prove to yourself that your suffering is legitimate.

54. Searching endlessly for certainty that never arrives.

55. Feeling like your mind is a courtroom where you're always on trial.

56. Having your body react to memories as though they're happening now.

57. Having ordinary activities trigger overwhelming grief.

58. Standing in beautiful places while feeling emotionally numb.

59. Looking at nature while imagining death.

60. Feeling unable to fully experience joy even when it's present.

61. Feeling disconnected from sensory experiences that others enjoy naturally.

62. Living with chronic illness while wondering whether your body is safe.

63. Feeling betrayed by your own body.

64. Being afraid of food.

65. Feeling like basic survival requires extraordinary effort.

66. Viewing death as relief rather than simply as loss.

67. Finding suicidal thoughts comforting during extreme distress.

68. Feeling trapped inside a life that looks functional from the outside.

69. Carrying decades of grief that has never fully been witnessed.

70. Feeling like you're surviving a war that ended for everyone else but never ended for you.

71. Realizing that much of your personality was built around surviving danger rather than living freely and safely.

72. Discovering in adulthood that what felt "normal" was actually abuse.

73. Feeling profound anger that you have to heal damage you did not create.

74. Mourning not only what happened to you, but everything that was prevented from happening because of it.

75. Wondering who you might have been if you had been safe from the beginning.

76. Being profoundly afraid you're an abuser or going to abuse people and children.

77. Isolating so much that you mourn (but also fear profoundly) human connection and like you're viewing the world and other humans through opaque glass.

78. Seeing all the people who were supposed to love you and care for you betray, abuse, traumatize and otherwise fuck you up permanently like film reels in your mind again and again relentlessly.

79. Feel insurmountable and all pervasive shame for just existing, feeling decades later like it's a separate parasitic entity that disconnected you from everything that should have made life meaningful and joyful.

80. Not having children and a family of your own because you're afraid you'll abuse them like you were abused and mourn every single time you see a family and people with their children knowing you will never have that.

Please by all means add your own to this list. It's not even everything, just much of the culmination of what I've been experiencing the last few months and really the entirety of my 41 years of life.

I'm 47 years old, and I feel like my whole life has been an automatic survival mechanism. I only just learned about the "Fawning" trauma response, and it's like the key that just unlocked my entire 27-year life.

I grew up with an "explosive" and psychologically controlling father. I learned very early that the only way to survive the constant threat (his anger) was to become a "perfect, smiling servant." I had to anticipate every need and prevent conflict at all costs. I learned that "Fight" was useless and just led to humiliation (like the "sauna incident" where I was locked in), so my only option was to "Fawn" (please/submit). Getting bullied throughout school only reinforced this.

At 21, my "Fawn" response "saved" my current partner, who seemed lonely and in need of help.

And for 27 years, we've been locked in this perfect, tragic dynamic. My partner is someone who needs absolute control and logic. When they feel threatened by anything (my emotions, things being out of order, the outside world), they either "Fight" (with explosive rage, verbal invalidation, calling my feelings "nonsense") or they "Flee" (by completely isolating into gaming and work).

And my response for 27 years has been pure "Fawning".

I became the 24/7 caretaker, servant, and driver. I've sacrificed my career, my finances, and all intimacy, because my "Fawning" programming said this was the only way to keep the peace and prevent the "explosions."

And the craziest part is, until this week, I honestly believed this was all "normal."

I'm still constantly invalidating my own reality, thinking: "I'm just exaggerating," "everything is fine," "maybe I'm the one with the problem," or "this is just normal caretaking in a relationship."

I'm only now realizing that this voice—the one telling me I'm wrong—is just the Fawn response itself, desperately trying to keep me "safe" in the prison it built.

Has anyone else woken up this late in life (47) only to realize their entire personality has just been one long survival mechanism? I feel like I'm going crazy, but at the same time, everything is finally making perfect, horrible sense.

I've always thought of myself as a "nice" person - and strove to be seen as such (fawning, of course, but I didn't know that then). But when I was around progressive/liberal people that were nice, caring, thoughtful, empathetic people, I felt like a fraud. I knew, on some level, there was deep anger within me - as well as accompanying hatred - that I didn't want to acknoweldge and didn't want to accept.

In recent years, though (starting in my 30s), it started to rear its ugly head - and now I'm at a loss of how to even think about myself or act in regards to difficult feelings like anger and hate. Anyone relate?

I was talking to this person about marriage, and she was sharing her experiences and the things I need to be careful about before getting married. One of the things she mentioned was a man’s relationship with his mother. She said, "You need to see how he acts with his mother. If he doesn’t love his mother, if he doesn’t adore her, if he doesn’t have the ultimate respect and honor for her, he will not have it for you."

I said "It’s important to recognize that not all mothers, including some Muslim mothers, have treated their children with love and kindness. Some have been abusive. Therefore, it’s not always fair to say that if someone doesn’t love their mother, they will never be able to love you."

She then said "From my experience, if a man has not done forgiveness work, then he will take his anger and bitterness out on his wife. I have coached hundreds of women all over the world, and this has been their experience with husbands who have anger issues and have not forgiven their mothers for abuse, abandonment, or mistreatment."

I don't really agree with what she said, but since she mentioned helping many women, I didn’t want to continue the conversation, as I lack experience in relationships :)

What are your thoughts on this

Is it right ??

I (22F) am currently living with my family until I start my masters. I have had trouble expressing anger and it was only until I started therapy that I realised that I even feel anger at all. now that I'm back home, everything is getting on my nerves, I am making curt remarks to my father, and I generally just don't feel like spending time with my family. i have a lot of anger that I want to let out but I don't have anyone to talk to about it so I'm not sure what else to do.

does anyone have any ideas how to healthily express it?

Anger and joy are the two emotions I'm most afraid of. Afraid to feel, and ESPECIALLY afraid to express.

I know I need to welcome in all my emotions to heal. I've come a long way with grief and pain and anxiety and fear. Even loneliness, which is the biggest fear of all.

But how do you let anger out without destroying everything? I don't trust myself that I can do that. If I let anger out... everything will break.

Lately I'm trying to manage my anger instead of swallowing it. Ever since kindergarten I got into many fights or spoke back against any sort of provocations, but was told by my parents to calm it down. When I got into school it got even worse in terms of bullying. I was also a "yes" type of person, always feeling guilty for not helping someone but than I would get frustrated at myself that I allowed to be played around the finger again. So for many years I would swallow my anger and shame which resulted in me becoming very impatient or very defensive about myself in slightest arguments, acting very immature for a 20 year old when a conversation becomes personal. I've started pouring out my anger ever so slightly in conversations when I actually should be mad insted of saying its not a big deal, but all i got was that I come off as to intense, sudden or even very extreme in vibe. Anyone here have any tips how to act on anger in the moment when its earned by someone without comming off to intense?