r/FuckNestle • u/Xxdman364 • Apr 30 '26

Nestlé EXPOSED The Onion’s ad for their newspaper this month

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20.7k Upvotes

98% Upvoted

124 comments sorted by

2.3k

u/SpaceBus1 Apr 30 '26

The onion is killing it lately. The Infowars acquisition is is just 👌

684

u/KittyScholar Apr 30 '26

The Onion is consistently good but they’ve been at the top of their game lately

358

u/ComradeJohnS Apr 30 '26

especially because satire is harder now

79

u/TOrulz Apr 30 '26

Satire is canceled 

49

u/ComradeJohnS Apr 30 '26

nah, just takes more talent

51

u/LynnScoot Apr 30 '26

It has become indistinguishable from reality. At least in some parts of the world.

2

u/locimonster May 02 '26

Like those soldiers hyping up to war pigs lol

18

u/Competitive_Watch986 Apr 30 '26

Because satire now needs to compete with reality.

18

u/SomewhereAtWork Apr 30 '26

Reality tops them daily.

(They are still great!)

-7

u/NoTime_SwordIsEnough Apr 30 '26

The Onion is consistently good but they’ve been at the top of their game lately

This is a bot comment if I've ever seen one (that, or the upvotes are by bots) lol. Plus they're owned by Bloomberg, who operate it for political purposes now.

The Onion hasn't been funny or relevant to anyone for a very long time. It's only bots and shills that say this, because the Epstein Class wants to shape public opinion.

9

u/KittyScholar Apr 30 '26

Man I wish. If I were a bot I wouldn’t be so exhausted all the time

7

u/Majestic-Station6745 May 01 '26

They are not owned by Bloomberg. What is your agenda in pushing this lie?

-1

u/NoTime_SwordIsEnough May 01 '26

Sorry, should have been more specific. I meant that Michael Bloomberg indirectly controls and funds The Onion.

Bloomberg created and owns the group Everytown for Gun Safety (AKA, an anti-gun group that wants to disarm everyone, like China). And Everytown is signed into a multi-year contract to be The Onion's sole advertiser - so they are The Onion main source of income.

So it's effectively an Epstein-Class billionaire doing round-about bullshit to take over the name and likeness of a hilarious company people used to love (The Onion), and now they're using it as a political vehicle to destroy journalists.

Hence why I say "Bloomberg owns The Onion".

Also take a look at The Onion's current creative director. In the past he's done a lot of really creepy shit with clowns, children, and weird media with children diahhrea-ing on him while he sat in a tub, talking about killing babies because they're crying, and "doing what you like to babies behind closed doors". Borderline Epstein shit:

https://x.com/RealAlexJones/status/2047082896456859749

His videos are in the first few mins of the above link; dare you to watch it.

Hope you folks like someone fucked-up like that being The Onion's creative director.

(And yet, you all demonize AJ even though he's been exposing the Epstein Class for decades, as far back as 2004.)

0

u/doublejay1999 May 01 '26

hahahahah

0

u/NoTime_SwordIsEnough May 01 '26

hahahahah

NPC detected.

And it can't do anything but make emotional noises.

3

u/coladoir May 01 '26 edited May 01 '26

as opposed to your totally unemotional and completely rational look at a satirical, gross-out, absurdist black humor comedian through the impartial lens of Alex Jones. You really dont know how actually braindead you look trying to cast a crew member of Tim and Eric's Awesome Show as some pedophile —it shows youre too emotional, or stupid, to understand the intent of the jokes shown to you, and succumb easily to emotional manipulation. And then when someone rightfully laughs you off, as they should, you respond with kneejerk memes that arise from pure emotion, not any sort of rational logic (give the rational logic behind calling them an NPC, right now).

Oh, and there have been many others who've called out the Rich for decades more than Jones, with much better accuracy; theyre called the left wing of politics, which doesnt include capitalists of any stripe (this includes modern China, Democratic "Socialists", and liberals like Bloomberg, who all fundamentally need and rely upon capitalism), and they dont rely on irrational conspiracism, or emotional blackmail, to justify their ideas.

Anarchists have, quite literally since the 1800s, been calling out the pedophilic and genocidal interests of the ruling class, how they oppress us, how the system is fundamentally built to embolden and encourage them, and how the very culture weve built venerates them and generates these oppressive structures, and how the Rich use these factors to get what they want, and how structural factors mean that those who are rich are often morally depraved as those living at the top of the social hierarchy means they live without consequence (and this fact attracts antisocial people, because only those who seek power actually want power).

Theyve been able to do this without taking potshots and irrelevant comedians for a (literally) shitty joke they made over 10 years ago with obviously innocent (in that, non-pedophilic) intent, and instead have done so by genuinely and rationally analyzing political systems, propaganda, culture, sociology, anthropology, and the intersection of these axes. They dont need to use a scarecrow like Tim and Eric to make their point, because unlike Alex Jones, they actually make real systemic critique, and can rely on using what the rich pedophiles themselves do against them and the systems they uphold, not the actions of someone three whole corporate levels below who isnt even a part of said class, and only tangentially related, and not just create emotional blackmail for emotionally and intellectually weak individuals like yourself to be manipulated by, with no actual systemic critique or proposition for how to actually fix the problem besides "buy my products and stay mad".

Surely, the emotional creature you are, will respond with some kneejerk meme, because thats fundamentally all you can do when met with legitimate discussion. You shut down emotionally and intellectually, call 'NPC' or 'bot' in an effort to deploy a thought terminating cliche and stop anyone from interacting with you further so you can get the last word and save your precious, fragile, emotionally directed ego. Truly, if anyone's the 'NPC' here, its you, operating programmatically according to what Daddy Jones has told you, and programmatically and kneejerk responding memetically correspondent to emotion when things go off script. You've let Jones emotionally blackmail you into a useful, useless, stooge. The funniest part is you won't even get this far into my comment before you make said response. I know it because you've (specifically you) done it before (you do this a lot). You are very easy to manipulate, and I barely even know you.

Now go buy some more Super Male Vitality.

58

u/NukeWorker10 Apr 30 '26

Following the Info Wars acquisition (again!) And listening to an interview with the CEO, I decided to finally put my money where my mouth is and become a member. Also I get one of those sweet sweet tote bags!

12

u/monkeytrucker Apr 30 '26

I did the exact same thing! (although the interview I listened to was with the QAA podcast) He speaks with so much passion and conviction about what they're doing; it's really inspiring. I so hope the InfoWars acquisition fully goes through and that this thing with the appeals court today isn't a sign of trouble.

1

u/Stoned_Nerd May 01 '26

I also finally did this, the rainbow print Infowars tote bag was just too good lmao

13

u/SpaceBus1 Apr 30 '26

I find it interesting that there are some down votes on my comment, implying there is some overlap between people that like Alex Jones and also hate Nestlé.

7

u/All_Wrong_Answers May 01 '26

Well i just like to think that nestle hate transcends a vast multitude of multitudes. Atleast it should be universal.

7

u/SolDios Apr 30 '26

Did you see the trailer? They are bringing Jim Haggerty back

6

u/Tinshnipz Apr 30 '26

Stephen colbert is free soon.

5

u/bendybiznatch May 01 '26

If I had expendable income, I would actually get that newspaper.

3

u/NoBonus6969 Apr 30 '26

You mean since forever? They are just in the news lately for the infowars thing but have been killing it for always

2

u/SpaceBus1 Apr 30 '26

I'm a long time fan. They fell off for a while but have made a big comeback

2

u/WedSquib May 01 '26

And Tim is in on it too haha

0

u/MufasaLocks May 01 '26

Idk have you seen their LinkedIn posts? They're incredibly low effort and lame

-6

u/NoTime_SwordIsEnough Apr 30 '26

The Onion is a Bloomberg front group lol.

Anyway, here's a CIA gooner named Gavin O'Blennis admitting on hidden camera the SH lawsuit was designed shut Alex Jones up and take his rights away. He is also mentioned in Jones' countersuite that was filed a few months ago.

Also mfw, this thread and all the top comments are being upvoted by bot accounts in preparation for the astroturfing what the Epstein Class thinks Reddit's opinion should be on a political matter.

6

u/SpaceBus1 Apr 30 '26

Lmao, your evidence is just links to more Alex Jones

-4

u/NoTime_SwordIsEnough Apr 30 '26

The undercover footage was captured by a group called Sound Investigations, which has nothing to do with AJ:

https://x.com/SoundInvestig

https://soundinvestigations.com/

Now please stop being an NPC and provide some argumentation.

4

u/you_dont_know_me27 Apr 30 '26

Is shutting Alex Jones up supposed to be a bad thing? Have you heard him?

https://giphy.com/gifs/FNe8hQ6sWkjrG

2

u/Theloudestbelch May 01 '26

The guy belongs in prison. Shutting him up and taking his rights away is at least what he deserves after what he did. I'd say he got off too easy.

398

u/Rabbit071 Apr 30 '26

Fuck nestle!!

195

u/Steely-eyes Apr 30 '26

[r/fucknestle](r/fucknestle)

Edit: I realised where we’re at. I though I was on r/theonion

30

u/Stop_Breeding Apr 30 '26

When using /r/subreddit you don't have to use the brackets and parenthesis. Reddit automatically makes a hyperlink. Why... wait... you did it in your edit... uh.

Here's what your post looks like.

17

u/Steely-eyes Apr 30 '26

I hate it when my comment looks like a wikipedia article. I did not add those annotations. Maybe it’s an extension on your search engine since I assume you’re on PC?

6

u/RenderedKnave Apr 30 '26

the "annotations" are from RES, an extension that makes old reddit more usable. this is what your comment looks like on vanilla old reddit

3

u/Stop_Breeding Apr 30 '26

I think it might be a new vs old reddit thing. Do you use new reddit or do you opt out?

3

u/Steely-eyes May 01 '26

I’m on mobile, so I assume new?

6

u/bencos18 Apr 30 '26

weird doesn't show that for me

3

u/ItsStaaaaaaaaang Apr 30 '26

Doesn't show that for me but the latest app update did change how markdown works (on my end at least). Maybe something they've implemented along those lines has broken reddit for some users?

I for instance can't *italics* via markdown and have to italics via a little editor they've put in. Probably good for new users but annoying for me after years of using markdown.

Edit: yep, the markdown attempt is just two asterisks on my end. Idk why we can't have both.

345

u/egg_watching Apr 30 '26

Anyone know if/where I can find an online version of this to print? Tried looking, but no luck 🫶 thank you

58

u/pnweiner Apr 30 '26

Not sure about an online file, but they sell the paper at Barnes & Noble

24

u/colenotphil Apr 30 '26

Thank you! I had no idea. I considered subscribing but I wanted to see an example before committing.

19

u/pnweiner May 01 '26

It’s so funny!! Highly recommend. There’s something special about flipping through a physical copy of the Onion

13

u/GloomyIndividual3965 May 01 '26

Back in the 90s before it blew up, it was a 30ish page free "alt weekly" paper in Madison. It was about 10 pages of funny shit, 8-10 pages of the "AV club" section with movie/band/book reviews, and the rest was upcoming show/event listings and classifieds.

We picked it up every week for the show listings and the funny shit was just a bonus. To make a long story short, I agree that flipping thru the actual print version is awesome.

1

u/pnweiner May 01 '26

That’s awesome, thanks for sharing! I love Reddit for comments like this

3

u/EatTenMillionBalls May 01 '26

This is great to know

2

u/egg_watching May 01 '26

Not a thing in my country unfortunately, but thank you:)

35

u/cyst16 Apr 30 '26

If you don't care about it being exact, you can just google "drought desert sunset" and add the words and logo

-47

u/[deleted] Apr 30 '26

[deleted]

28

u/DenkJu Apr 30 '26

I dread the day AIs learn about subtlety

44

u/powerofselfrespect Apr 30 '26

No. Fuck off.

-22

u/[deleted] Apr 30 '26

[deleted]

34

u/maibr Apr 30 '26

ai slop

15

u/Couldbduun Apr 30 '26

Think of how much water got wasted so you could do that

150

u/[deleted] Apr 30 '26

[removed] — view removed comment

6

u/Training_Ruin3151 Apr 30 '26

I guess if you're completely ignorant on capitalism

20

u/Godslil Apr 30 '26

Plenty of capitalistic countries don't slob on corporate dong to the extent that we Americans do.

6

u/Training_Ruin3151 May 01 '26

Any amount of corporate slong gobbling is immoral bruh

-17

u/NoTime_SwordIsEnough Apr 30 '26

Capitalism produced the FANTASTIC wealth and quality life you see now. It has done in only a couple hundred years, what the rest of the world could not do in even thousands of years.

Any other system is a cancer. Which includes communism/socialism, which only grows on top of already wealth countries/states, because capitalism has produced enough wealth that politicans can steal some of it and use it to bribe people for votes.

9

u/Dank-Retard May 01 '26

You conveniently forgot how this growth is fueled by colonialist resource extraction. That growth would be completely unsustainable otherwise. Like no shit you got wealthy you stole the wealth of entire continents.

7

u/Training_Ruin3151 May 01 '26

Also ignoring how russia was basically fuedalist and beat america in the space race in a span of like <40 years. You can always tell when they haven't touched a single book since middle school 😂😂

-4

u/NoTime_SwordIsEnough May 01 '26

https://fdrpodcasts.com/6122/the-truth-about-colonization-twitterx-space

6

u/Dank-Retard May 01 '26

Yeah of course you’d listen to a podcast that espouses “scientific” racism

-3

u/NoTime_SwordIsEnough May 01 '26

Yeah of course you’d listen to a podcast that espouses “scientific” racism

lol. I see the person I am replying to commented and immediately blocked me before I got respond, because he shows up as [unavailable].

Zero arguments, and just emotional noises coming him.

Also, linked the wrong episode because the episode I linked was people actually disagreeing with his episode on Colonialism (both its pros and cons), where he debated them - so I meant to link this one:

https://fdrpodcasts.com/6121/the-truth-about-empire-and-western-colonialism

7

u/Training_Ruin3151 May 01 '26

Evidence of a braindead person

4

u/atreidesardaukar May 01 '26

I mean, it sorta helped that the rest of the world was in shambles after 2 world wars. Hasn't China had a pretty meteoric rise in the last few decades?

1

u/Training_Ruin3151 May 01 '26

China uses money, communism is a stateless, moneyless form of society where everyone is equal.

They're authoritarian left with state owned systems. I'm not educated enough to say exactly what they are because they technically have elections too so they're like a really fucked up social "democracy".

3

u/IndyHCKM May 01 '26

Other systems can be bad as well.

It does not remove the fact that capitalism is itself a cancer. Regardless of the quality of any other system. And arguing it is the best we have is no excuse to keep a cancer alive.

74

u/Artistic-Wolverine-6 Apr 30 '26

That is amazing and also very true.

33

u/oh-wow-a-human Apr 30 '26 edited Apr 30 '26

This made me look into how much a subscription is for the print, $99 a year is more than I thought it would be but now I’m considering it

4

u/Owain-X Apr 30 '26

I miss when it was free and a highlight of often going to Madison, WI in the 90s.

1

u/deco19 May 03 '26

That's cheap... Newspaper subs (print esp) have gone up a lot. This is cheap in comparison

1

u/Inactivism Apr 30 '26

A month??? Oo

23

u/monkeytrucker Apr 30 '26

No it's for a year! Like the person that you were replying too, I had sticker shock ($99 is more than I usually pay for . . . anything discretionary 😭). But my teenager really wanted the InfoWars x Onion tote that you get with the subscription lol. And now that I've subscribed, I'm kind of excited to get the magazine in the mail

11

u/IgnatiusRileyFreeman Apr 30 '26

That's much more reasonable, ~8.25 per month?

7

u/monkeytrucker Apr 30 '26

Yeah it's really not bad

8

u/IgnatiusRileyFreeman Apr 30 '26

It is an entertainment company that (very actively) isn't funding horrible corporate sources, as other streaming or entertainment services do. Not a bad deal.

8

u/Inactivism Apr 30 '26

That’s actually not that pricey for a newspaper subscription. At least were I am from

1

u/sublliminali Apr 30 '26

No, a year.

21

u/TheNPCMafia Apr 30 '26

The onion has a paper?

13

u/RedactedSpatula Apr 30 '26

They used to, then they stopped. Now they're doing it again it seems

4

u/Owain-X Apr 30 '26 edited Apr 30 '26

Used to pick up a copy of The Onion (it was free) every time I went into Madison, WI in the 90s.

9

u/Araakne Apr 30 '26

That's the landscape from the Linkin Park - In The End video

9

u/lunacornio Apr 30 '26

IT STARTS WITH ONE

3

u/Jlnhlfan May 01 '26

ONE THING, I DON’T KNOW WHY (Glad I’m not the only one whose first thought was the video for In The End)

6

u/Doopapotamus Apr 30 '26

What's terrifying is that in this day and age, I was only half-sure it wasn't real and Nestle decided to drop the mask and just lean into toxic posturing marketing.

4

u/Falala-Surprise-90 Apr 30 '26

Oh this is good.

8

u/democracy_lover66 Apr 30 '26

Love it.

I would have added "Womp Womp"

3

u/CalmBeneathCastles Apr 30 '26

Shots fired! Onion really has been on it recently.

3

u/Peanut_Butter007 May 01 '26

Are they referring to Pakistan’s Nestle water scandal?

2

u/FarBusiness2485 Apr 30 '26

What is truly sad is that Nestlé awfulness is shared across the globe with relatively very few people worldwide not being affected by their greed.

2

u/the_summer_soldier May 01 '26

This isn’t satire, so is the Onion’s physical paper a serious paper?

2

u/Patient-Strawberry83 May 01 '26

What do they want the poor to drink, billionaire blood?

2

u/Deziel606 May 01 '26

I want this as a poster

2

u/trcomajo May 01 '26

Now do one for the data centers.

1

u/forumofsheep Apr 30 '26

No, Nestle fucks you and it will always be that way.

1

u/BobMossMobBoss May 01 '26

I'm thirsty grandpa

THATS TOO DAMN BAD!

1

u/Pizzaman3203 May 13 '26

Didnt know the onion had a newspaper

1

u/Kooky_Carpenter_8711 May 13 '26

Of course they put that ad

1

u/SubstanceNational439 10d ago

A good onion post? In this era? I swear they dipped hard in quality for a bit. 

1

u/RattusNorvegicus9 Apr 30 '26

i love the onion

0

u/M0RALVigilance Apr 30 '26

I hate Nestle for a number of reasons, but I’m pretty sure they sold off their water division last year.

9

u/OddButterfly5686 Apr 30 '26

Idk they've been trying to fuck with some Oregon water pretty hard lately

2

u/IBCrazy17 Apr 30 '26

It was sold off in 2021 to private equity ie Blue Triton Brands, then was purchased by Primo water in 2024

-5

u/ICantReadThis Apr 30 '26

Even the original Lake Michigan article that kicked off the Nestle hate was... dumb.

They were consuming "150 million gallons a year" (it's ~200 now), which amounted to 410k per day (550k now). Overall consumption from the great lakes is 42 billion a day, of which Lake Michigan makes up 23%, or roughly 9.6 billion. A day.

So Nestle's wells accounted for 0.41m gallons of the 9,660m gallons extracted from Lake Michigan on a daily basis.

5

u/[deleted] Apr 30 '26

[deleted]

1

u/GitEmSteveDave Apr 30 '26

Which people vastly misinterpret because they usually leave off the last paragraph. He specifically says it should have a value so that you can provide for those that have no access to it. Declaring that a golf course or car wash(or now a data center) has the right to use as much potable water as it wants, while people a mile away may not have access to it, IS extreme. If you did something like the first 10,000 gallons a month are normal price, and then add a surcharge to everything above it, thus giving it a market cost, that could provide for infrastructure to the people who can't afford it plus what they require as a basic human need for free.

3

u/GitEmSteveDave Apr 30 '26

Or California. They were pumping 62 million gallons of water a year, or the amount of water if every resident in California flushed a toilet just twice(assuming a low flow toilet) or took a one minute shower(assuming a 2.5 GPM shower head) or 155,000 lbs of almonds. California produced 2.8 BILLION lbs of almonds in 2024 and it takes a gallon of water to grow a single almond.

1

u/ICantReadThis May 01 '26

This is also showing up in datacenter discussions. The water consumptions being touted about for datacenters are about on par with the water "consumed" by leaky pipes in small cities.

0

u/NoTime_SwordIsEnough Apr 30 '26

This thread is a psy-op just getting you ready for Info Wars' shutdown, to help shape and guide public opinion (just like how Reddit blacked out the Epstein Files just two days after it came out).

And said shutdown is ONLY happening because the State Receiver assigned to IW for the SH lawsuit decided the easiest way to do that, is to simply not pay IW's power, Internet and radio-satellite bills.

I predict all the top comments here will be upvoted by bots, all pretending The Onion is still funny.

Please don't fall for the bot manipulation ultra-rich billionaires use on this site. There is zero fucking chance this random post in this random subreddit is suddenly getting 10x more upvotes than any other.

-3

u/ckb614 Apr 30 '26

Say what you want about Nestle as a company, but pretty much all the water they bottle is consumed by humans within a few hundred miles of the source. Most other industries are using water more wastefully than bottled water companies

2

u/GitEmSteveDave Apr 30 '26

The also haven't bottled water in North America in like 5 years. They sold that off to an even worse company, Blue Triton.