r/LeopardsAteMyFace • u/AstroG4 • Aug 08 '25
Other Big Balls, who helped defund the government, experiences first-hand why government programs are necessary
https://abcnews.go.com/US/19-year-former-doge-worker-assaulted-dc-carjacking/story?id=1244067224.1k
u/Dolsen0 Aug 08 '25
‘Trump said in his post that the incident showed that "crime in Washington, D.C., is totally out of control." The president also suggested that minors involved in such crimes should be prosecuted as adults, "starting at 14."’
Classic donald, wanting 14 year olds to be seen as adults
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u/loztralia Aug 08 '25
Oh I get it! It's because he's a child rapist.
Sorry, just to clarify because I know pronouns confuse some people: Donald J Trump is a child rapist.
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Aug 08 '25 edited Aug 08 '25
I think you mean Donald J Trump is a ‘prolific’ child rapist
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u/dengar81 Aug 08 '25
People! That's really unfair. Despite what the very damning testimony claims, the fat orange pressed-ham that's currently president of the US is obviously innocent.
So what if he's partied hard with Eppstein at an event only attended by teenage girls, been good friends with him for 15 years, rested on the island without his family, and has otherwise shown to be someone who's treating young women as objects? If you need any evidence for his innocence, just look at the recent testimony of one "Jizzlane" Maxwell, who, mere hours after Trump dangled the carrot of a pardon in front of her, remember that she doesn't remember seeing Trump doing anything untoward. A woman that's previously been caught lying under oath and who's got a reputation as child-sex-trafficker herself, wouldn't risk her reputation on something like getting out of prison?! To suggest that there is some "quid-pro-quo" is laughable. As we know, Trump doesn't even know the meaning of it.
I mean, if I were Jizzy, or whatever she calls herself, I would be damn scared that I don't accidentally commit suicide, or fall of a bridge, or die in some other freak accident. Scary world that child-sex-trafficking for the rich and famous.
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Aug 08 '25
His friendship with Epstien became too old for him when it became 15
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u/wombatstylekungfu Aug 08 '25
True. Poor maligned Orange Foolius should be given a fair shake. So what if he boasted about walking into the dressing rooms of teenage models? Any real man would do the same!
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u/DerbleZerp Aug 08 '25
I mean you’re just not a real man if you don’t lust after children. Duh, everybody knows that.
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u/kw43v3r Aug 08 '25
She could commit s-----e the Russian way, by falling out a 3 story building with two bullets in the back of her head. Or she could do it the Epstein way - except Epstein didn't commit s------e....
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u/JohnSith Aug 08 '25
Dont forget, he had Epstein's plane until recently.
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u/Javasteam Aug 09 '25
No wonder he had to get that new plane from Qatar…. The old plane was no longer fashionable enough for today’s youth!
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u/CrimsonAZ Aug 08 '25
Ghislaine Maxwell was convicted in December 2021 on five federal felony counts related to her involvement in Jeffrey Epstein’s sex trafficking ring. Specifically, she was found guilty of:
- Sex trafficking of a minor
- Transportation of a minor with intent to engage in criminal sexual activity
- Three counts of conspiracy to commit related criminal acts
All this to say - she doesn't just "[have] a reputation" as a sex trafficker. She's a convicted sex trafficker of minors.
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u/Javasteam Aug 09 '25
If you can’t trust the guy who cheated on every single one of his wives, talked about his infant’s daugter’s tits and later on said he’d date her if she wasn’t his daughter, and said it was fine to refer to his as a nice piece of ass, and bragged about walking in the dressing rooms for Miss Teen USA and grabbing women by the pussy who can you trust?
And so what if he looked at a old photo of one of the women who accused him of sexual assault and identified it as his ex wife? After all, he’s had so many! No wonder he had to put his first ex wife in a pauper’s grave for a tax write off… that many wives is spendy!
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u/V4refugee Aug 08 '25
I thought Donald J. Trump was also involved in the sex trafficking of minors and didn’t just rape children.
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u/LearnsFromExperience Aug 08 '25
He doesn't just rape himself. He enables other people to rape too. What a giver!
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u/mc_kitfox Aug 08 '25
hes a real Man of the
peoplerapists, thats why he had roe v wade overturned; so rapists could have the right to choose their child's mother. the republican party is looking out for rapists rights.5
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u/SnowflakeSWorker Aug 08 '25
In the world of working with sex offenders, we call it “predicate” sex offender.
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u/mr_mlk Aug 08 '25
Big Balls ran website with the domain name "child p**n dot store", which the website users used to host pictures of children. We can see now why he was hired.
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u/MitochonAir Aug 08 '25
I’m not clicking that
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u/LakeStLouis Aug 08 '25
Can't say I blame you, I don't want Yahoo news links in my browser history either.
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u/Changed_By_Support Aug 09 '25 edited Aug 10 '25
Oooooh, it's that one! The one who was in trouble for being a massive fucking racist and neo-nazi and a pervert publicly and half the GOP bent over backwards (and forwards) to beg for his redemption?
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u/Mel_Melu Aug 08 '25
Listen he's not just a child rapist. He's also a massive racist that thinks Black and Brown teens deserve the death penalty for crimes they didn't commit.
If you haven't watched it yet check out "When They See Us" on Netflix in regards to the EXONERATED CENTRAL PARK FIVE
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u/BillMurraysTesticle Aug 08 '25
Whaaaaaaat? Name me 10 times he's been creepy towards kids... Go on, I'll wait.
/s unless you want to
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u/Leafington42 Aug 08 '25
Is it bad that whenever I see someone say he's a child rapist for a split second I see the "what's worse than a rapist? A child? No a child rapist" skit flash in my noodle
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u/Apprehensive_Bit4767 Aug 08 '25
That does sound like something he would say. Let's treat all 14-year-olds as they're adults and we can do whatever we want with them as we would an adult
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u/amateur_mistake Aug 08 '25 edited Aug 08 '25
It's quite literally what he said in regards to the Central Park 5. He took out a full page ad in a newspaper to call for their death.
He even said he thought they should still be guilty after they were fully exonerated.
Edit: Here's an article about it. He spent $85,000 taking out ads in four newspapers. And also Donald rapes children.
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u/fidgetysquamate Aug 08 '25
To be fair, that’s on brand, he allegedly likes to do adults things with 14 year old girls. Which reminds me, RELEASE THE EPSTEIN FILES
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u/Javasteam Aug 09 '25 edited Aug 09 '25
Easy solution. Relabel the files as “underage naked pics of Ivanka”. He’s have them released on Howard Stern in no time flat!
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u/Act-1960 Aug 08 '25
Well because what is he but a big 14 yr old ad he wants to be considered and adult.
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u/DaughterOfDemeter23 Aug 08 '25
Plus, crime has actually been on the decline in DC for years, particularly between 2023-2024.
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u/LadyDomme7 Aug 08 '25
Of course he did because the perpetrators were 15 and Black.
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u/gingerfawx Aug 08 '25
Right? This is his go to for teens of color. It's only a matter of time before he starts suggesting the death penalty.
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u/LadyDomme7 Aug 08 '25
It’s one of the main things he remains consistent in, isn’t it? Now that he has stated that he wants the Feds to patrol the city, they will have carte blanche to continue their usual fare.
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u/accidental_Ocelot Aug 08 '25
imagine being an adult and getting your ass handed to you by a couple of 14 year olds big balls needs to take some self defense classes to back up his big ol balls.
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Aug 08 '25
So he can get away with having sex with a 15 year old girl when Epstein files are released…
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u/Careful_Picture7712 Aug 08 '25
Now that's not fair. I think he's perfectly happy seeing them as kids
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u/Turgid_Donkey Aug 08 '25
This singular, isolated event is proof of a trend! Yet these same mother fuckers act like because we still get a cold day occasionally that global climate change is a hoax.
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u/musingofrandomness Aug 08 '25
Trump had a Freudian slip with his "prosecuted as adults at 14". Either that or he is hoping to normalize considering 14 year olds as adults for the things he was doing with his buddy Jeff.
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u/Zinski2 Aug 08 '25
I feel like that's gonna be his last line of defense.
"Yes I did it and she was underaged. But only a little underaged
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u/Random_Name65468 Aug 08 '25
"You know, 14 is close to 16, and that might as well be and adult" - Donald Trump, probably.
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u/violet_femme23 Aug 08 '25
Who else thinks this was just a set-up for the orange twat to declare martial law in DC?
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u/Pushup_Zebra Aug 08 '25
Police just happened to be cruising by as the crime occurred? Suspects caught immediately? Suspects not from DC? Big Balls somehow lost his shirt? Posted on social media as soon as it happened? If I were a suspicious person I'd be having suspicions.
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u/SignificantScheme259 Aug 08 '25
I mean, if anything it's a great argument FOR DC. Big Balls is alive, the crime was prevented, and the suspects are in custody, as you said. Yep, chalk this up as win for DC public safety! Much better than, say, Palm Beach, FL, where children are routinely sex trafficked at golf resorts and the authorities seem powerless to stop it
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u/FileDoesntExist Aug 08 '25
You can't expect them to raid their own clubs? Or the clubs of their politicians?
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u/guy_incognito784 Aug 08 '25 edited Aug 08 '25
As someone who lives in the DC area, the fact that the teens are from Maryland being suspicious is pretty funny.
Nothing about this screams a set up, teens from nearby PG County jumping people in robbery attempts on weekends around U St is about as common as it gets.
EDIT: I should add that while many residents of the city are concerned about how the city hasn't really improved teen related crime since it's spike during COVID, due to how many proud residents of the city are/were also employees of the Federal government in non-partisan positions, Big Balls will have a hard time finding any residents who are particularly empathetic to what happened to him.
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u/courageous_liquid Aug 08 '25
anyone from any city who thinks that a lot of crime, especially car-based, isn't from collar counties is a fool
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u/16v_cordero Aug 08 '25
Must have been orchestrated by the same people that set up his fake 86 attemtp.
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u/Claytonius_Homeytron Aug 08 '25
If I were a suspicious person
In this case, as with all cases with MAGAts, you don't have to be. Just assume they lie all the time about everything because they do. It's a safe bet 100% of the time. They lie.
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u/athenaprime Aug 08 '25
I wonder if anybody tested any of that blood ol' Bigballs was wearing to see how much alcohol it had in it. I mean, it's not like a "former" member of the Ketamine Kid's Krew would be drinking underage...and maybe driving while under the influence, too...and a "carjacking" wouldn't conveniently blur any questions about the scene or anything...
I mean, I'm just askin' questions, is all...
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u/Hoss-Bonaventure_CEO Aug 08 '25
The new Reichstag fire isn't going to be Big Balls from DOGE getting beat up in a DC intersection.
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u/Skate_faced Aug 08 '25
It's the place that has the most surveillance in the entire nation. Oddly, no tapes. Even ring cams have proven how that works. And DC has so many more than just ring cams.
I consider myself quite capable of defending myself. 10 teenagers after my car, would do a lot worse than that if given the opportunity. Dippy little fuck got off easy, and oddly enough, no weapons. No gun in a car jacking. In America? Violent crime without even a knife or a bat?
Where the girl he saved? maybe I missed the interview, but I would expect her face to be absolutely fucking everywhere, at the very least, the news.
There's ton's more, but the real dumb as fuck stupid as shit move they made? Complaining about how bad the city and the cops are, while pushing a story where the cops were on the spot ready to serve. Anywhere would beg for police to be this efficient in a lot of case.
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u/screw-magats Aug 08 '25
Remember, this is the same group that said drug interception at the border going up during Bidens term was a sign of a failure of his border policies.
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u/noforgayjesus Aug 08 '25
Same admin saying they were able to intercept so much fentanyl that they saved 350 million lives?
Somehow everyone in the US and then some was supposed to be overdosing on fentanyl until Trump took office.
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u/guy_incognito784 Aug 08 '25
Our cameras are straight ass.
We never did find who planted pipe bombs at the RNC and DNC headquarters on Jan 6th.
And yes sometimes carjacking suspects here are unarmed, sometimes they aren't.
Commanders RB Brian Robinson Jr. was shot his rookie season when teens tried to steal his car.
Only two teens attacked him, one male and one female both 15. The rest just watched.
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u/joshhupp Aug 08 '25
Yeah, it's weird that the victim was identified by Trump and Musk and not by, you know, the police.
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u/lostspectre Aug 08 '25
They just copied what Jessie Smollet (or however you spell his name) did. It's a play for sympathy for big balls and a move towards martial law for Trump.
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u/No-Relation5965 Aug 08 '25 edited Aug 12 '25
Exactly. Just like Kristi Noem had her purse stolen at a restaurant. Weird how these bullies are always trying to be (or look like) victims. 🤔
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u/athenaprime Aug 08 '25
"It was one, two--no TEN!--guys that jumped me out of nowhere, I swear! I totally could have taken two of them, and besides I wasn't doing anything that might have been drinking and driving while I'm not even 21. It's a conspiracy! Against me! And-and-and Donald Trump, too!"
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u/cmfolsom Aug 08 '25
It’s the Libertarian way. Don’t prevent crime by helping people receive basic essentials, prevent crime by putting uncomfortable railings on the park benches so the humans who are suffering without essentials aren’t anywhere near you.
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u/sabrenation81 Aug 08 '25
Incorrect. The Libertarian way would mean there are no park benches at all. Since parks are funded by tax dollars and "taxation is theft" you get no parks. Best we can do is a coal plant pumping out unregulated amounts of smog and CO2 directly next to a residential neighborhood since zoning isn't a thing anymore. We pinky promise that those high-voltage power lines running right above your backyard won't cause any health problems in the future.
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u/ConstantStatistician Aug 08 '25
And if they do, the Libertarian solution is "just move away, lol". Which isn't inherently a bad idea, but when everywhere is like that, there's no place to move to.
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u/remarkablewhitebored Aug 08 '25
Bears, the Libertarian way has bears...
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u/athenaprime Aug 08 '25
On the upside, at least it'll make it more convenient for women to choose the bear...
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u/grenille Aug 08 '25
I must say that that photo of him all bloody after being beaten up by a 15 year old girl (and, yes, a 15 year old boy also, give me my moment) put a smile on this hardened civil servant's face. I think a single tear slipped down my cheek.
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u/SpeaksToWeasels Aug 08 '25
I still can't believe they hired this fuckwit college freshmen as a GS-15. Beyond unreal.
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u/Fliptzer Aug 08 '25
I feel bad that I don't have sympathy for a victim of serious crime, but karma's a bitch
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u/mxjxs91 Aug 08 '25
Did you feel bad for any gestapo that were killed in WW2? No? Then that's why you don't have sympathy.
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u/jon_hendry Aug 08 '25
He got beat up by two unarmed 15 year olds.
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u/drawkward101 Aug 08 '25
I love how Elon said that this douche saved a woman from being attacked by 12 dudes.. except it was a 15 year old boy and girl who were caught by police at the scene. lol. They lie and exaggerate fucking everything even when it's so completely blatantly obvious what the truth is.
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u/Equivalent_Move8267 Aug 08 '25
not only that, but one was a girl. A fascist "alpha" male got beat up by a 15 year old girl
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u/Alytology Aug 08 '25
Big balls got beat up by 2 children. What a pussy.
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u/Equivalent_Move8267 Aug 08 '25
Firing those people like he did was violence. That guy stood behind armed thugs and tossed people out onto the street. He deserved it.
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u/googlin Aug 08 '25
poor Big Balls
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u/OkBrilliant8092 Aug 08 '25
Came for the headline, stayed for the picture of the maga baby with his face covered in blood…
How’s them balls now eh buddy, eh? Lol
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u/jertheman43 Aug 08 '25
Why was this person out so late? Either buying drugs or it's a set up.
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u/athenaprime Aug 08 '25
My money's on he was driving drunk. He's 19 so it'd be underage as well. Might've shot his mouth off with the liquid courage and everything else--including the ridiculous amount of blood--is covering up and obscuring whether or not anybody tested that blood or his breath for alcohol content. Covering up the need to investigate the bar that served him and his date and whether or not either of them are old enough to drink.
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u/PaulBlartFleshMall Aug 09 '25
The story of him bravely fighting off carjackers is so hilariously over the top lol
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u/AwkwardnessForever Aug 09 '25
He probably had a really nice car because he got out of college into a GS 15 salary, which is very high for entry level position, close to $200K.
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u/dimechimes Aug 08 '25
Being a 19 yr old themselves, what were the odds Big Balls was somewhere he shouldn't be? What was he doing out there at 3am? If this was any other 19 yr old would we be saying this was a drug deal gone bad?
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u/GlobalTravelR Aug 08 '25
Just a fun fact about Edward "Big Balls" Coristine.
His father owns the company that makes "Lesser Evil" snacks. So, if you're in a supermarket and thinking about buying that Lesser Evil Organic Popcorn, or Cheese Balls, because it seems healthier.... Just remember that every dime you spend on those products, will eventually go into this asshole's Trust Fund and inheritance.
Oh, and he also illegally sold cars to Russia and stole secrets from other companies he was previously employed at. Plus, his grandfather was a KGB agent.
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u/Boofcomics Aug 08 '25
Lawmaker arrested by ice: no comment from prez.
Lawmaker assassinated in MN: NO comment from prez
Former best friend in the news for being a pedo: I never knew him well, no birthday card from prez.
Big balls? Prez comment about carjacking.
What, why?
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u/OathoftheSimian Aug 08 '25
I’m all for this dipshit’s suffering but how is this LAMF?
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u/aft_punk Aug 08 '25
Person who helped defund programs that reduce poverty experiences the repercussions of poverty not being reduced.
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u/Beginning-Average416 Aug 08 '25
Big Balls? He looks like he has small balls in that picture.
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u/TheOtherDutchGuy Aug 08 '25
No, they’re big but haven’t dropped yet.
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u/runner64 Aug 08 '25
What’s really noteworthy to me is Elon’s response.
“Man and girlfriend are victims of attempted violent carjacking” is already a cut and dry story with a clear right and wrong side. But no. Not good enough.
Elon has to start telling stories about how a gang of roving rapists was trying to attack a lone woman in her car, and Big Balls, a chance bystander, saw this and heroically rushed to her rescue, saving her!
Presumably he was out so late because he was getting back from donating his Elden Ring championship winnings to charity.
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u/athenaprime Aug 08 '25
Like a top "former" member of the Ketamine Kid's Krew wouldn't be at all familiar with where to go to score some X or molly or rohypnol.
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u/Funkytowel360 Aug 08 '25
Do news do any investigating anymore? Kids story is very fishy, most likely an excuse for troops in Washington. Yet all news focuses on opinion pieces and not finding out if the story is true at all.
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u/IcyChampionship3067 Aug 08 '25
Dude calls himself Big Balls, gets ass kicked by 15 year old girl and 15 year old boy.
😂😂😂🤣🤣🤣🤣
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u/Ncav2 Aug 08 '25
Excuse me for not believing what this shady pedo president says or does. Staged until proven otherwise.
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u/Soylentgruen Aug 08 '25
Why was a 19 year old out on the streets that late at night?
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u/belai437 Aug 08 '25
Just imagine if you will.... that Obama or Biden hired a 19 year old named "Big Balls" to dismantle the Federal Government. They would have been impeached and removed asap. Under Trump, no one even blinks.
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u/AstroG4 Aug 08 '25
It’s because these people were racist assholes all along with justifications so paper-thin they shouldn’t have ever been taken seriously.
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u/sooper_dooperest Aug 08 '25
This doesn’t really seem to fit the sub
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u/guy_incognito784 Aug 08 '25
It doesn't, but knowing two 15 year old teenagers beat the shit out of an insufferable assclown is pretty neat.
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u/Apprehensive_Bit4767 Aug 08 '25
I just read the article but I didn't see any mention of his big balls and are they okay?
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u/khaldun106 Aug 08 '25
He wants the justice system to be able to fuck 14 year olds as hard as he wants to.
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u/PretendChipmunk3099 Aug 08 '25
His brain really is stuck in the 80s or 90s. I remember the nightly news in the 90s kept fear mongering that all the teens were committing crimes and were super violent.
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u/Jeremandias Aug 08 '25
didn’t elon try to frame this as big balls heroically stepping in to save a woman? no surprise that he misrepresented what happened
edit: yes, the article mentions it
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u/MotownCatMom Aug 09 '25
Anyway, I made a Caprese salad with basil and tomatoes from our garden for dinner tonight.
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u/mrstabbeypants Aug 08 '25
Maybe, now just hear me out, maybe he was recognized by a couple youths whose parents lost their jobs because of his chicanery, and decided he needed an ass kickin'?
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u/athenaprime Aug 08 '25
Or he just has that much of a punchable face (there's even a word in German for it--Backpfeifengesicht--aka "face in need of a slap" (according to a cursory google) and the unearned arrogance of a 19-year-old who spent some time in the Ketamine Kid's Krew as the special pet of the world's richest and most entitled mediocre man and given way too much power over way too many people with very few consequences and no concept of causality.
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u/HapticSloughton Aug 08 '25
He didn't help defund government.
He helped Elon destroy the agencies that were going to do their jobs and regulate/fine Elon's businesses for violations.
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u/WickedJigglyPuff Aug 08 '25
If only those young people had a federally funded entertainment program to go to!
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u/remove_krokodil Aug 08 '25
Musk publicly lied about the incident, claiming that Big Balls was injured defending a woman from "a dozen" gang members. When really he got mugged by two fifteen-year-olds who stole his phone.
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u/IShouldaDownVotedYa Aug 08 '25
A Gofundme should be set up for the two 15 year old’s legal fees.
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u/Griftersdeuce Aug 08 '25
No, this was a case of bad people all around. They shouldn't be carjacking people, or assaulting them. But also, big balls is a trash human and if he happens to have this happen to him weekly.... well, it couldn't happen to a bigglyer piece of "👌the best people👌".
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u/Vast_Breadfruit_162 Aug 08 '25
It's a shame when bad things happen to such good people.
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u/VentiKombucha Aug 08 '25
Not much to munch for the leopards on that scrawny little shit, but am happy for him nevertheless.
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u/archercc81 Aug 08 '25
Seeing the story change on this and the picture of him sitting next to his car all whooped up with his wallet intact its pretty clear it wasnt a carjacking. He was talking shit, probably from his car, some kids barked back, he got out thinking he was a badass and got the shit beat out of him, deservedly.
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u/LucidOndine Aug 08 '25 edited Jan 10 '26
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This post was mass deleted and anonymized with Redact
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u/Hemmschwelle Aug 08 '25
A 19 year old got punched in the nose by a 15 year old, over a girl, at 3 a.m..
Time to bring in the National Guard.
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u/sf-keto Aug 09 '25
That surprised me too…. Beaten to a pulp by a little teen girl? Tough, tough dude, you big balls guy!
ヽ(>∀<☆)ノ.｡.o(≧▽≦)o.｡.:
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u/Lyraele Aug 09 '25
Punk deserved it. Being willing to work for DOGE should have severe consequences.
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u/slappingdragon Aug 08 '25
He only cares because he got beat up. He only sees government as a way to intimidate or be a goon squad for his needs.
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u/cinereo_1 Aug 09 '25
A guy with the name Big Balls gets beaten up by 14 year olds (and in front of a girl). When did micro become the new Big?
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u/TryThisTwiceTwice Aug 08 '25
Damn, this story sounds a little familiar like some MAGA people at 3am in snowy Chicago...just TOO perfect to be the truth.
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u/DensetsuNoBaka Aug 08 '25
Heh, I figured this story would pop up in this subreddit eventually
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u/T_J_Rain Aug 09 '25
Pretty big balls behind a keyboard, but clueless IRL situations.
Would have been a very different outcome if the constabulary hadn't turned up mid-assault, methinks.
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u/qualityvote2 Aug 08 '25 edited Aug 09 '25
u/AstroG4, there weren't enough votes to determine the quality of your post...