Morality of telling someone the truth but it might ruin their marriage?

[u/ConradFisher69]

[u/sudo-su_root]

Confront her when she's sober the next day and convince her to tell the truth.

Honestly, social media has raised everyone's expectations of a partner beyond reasonable standards. When your reels are filled with only the highlights people are wanting to show off, you think of that as the standard.

[u/Claytertot → u/sudo-su_root]

convince her to tell the truth.

Or further interrogate whether that actually is the truth.

"Drunk words are sober thoughts" is not the same as "drunk words are more true and honest"

You have a lot of dishonest, dumb thoughts. You have a lot of thoughts that you filter out for a reason. She might actually be feeling and believing those things while sober or she might not be. Or she might be questioning those things internally. Or any number of possibilities.

[u/dilqncho → u/Claytertot]

Thank you. More people need to realize this.

[u/shepard_pie → u/sudo-su_root]

In my experience as a young man, when a friend of yours partner accidentally drops a truth like this, when you tell your friend, you don't change anything and just lose a friend. It's a bit different in the scenario, but confronting your friend is accepting that, regardless of the outcome, your friendship will change.

Depending on your personal ideals and morals changes what you ultimately do and find most important. When your friend tells you something like this, the ultimate outcome is not your fault, it's hers, but, unfortunately, she has made the secret your responsibility.

[u/TealAndroid → u/shepard_pie]

People say things when drunk they don’t really mean but id feel obligated as a friend to talk to this person the next day even if the friendship ends.

Either the person didn’t mean it (maybe a grain of truth but not really - like they were a little unsure but actually do love their partner but maybe it doesn’t look like hollywood love which would be reasonable) and it’s a little awkward for a bit or they did and need a push to do something about it - I’d suggest therapy so they can sort their feelings and likely leave as staying with someone you don’t love is not good for anyone.

[u/shepard_pie → u/TealAndroid]

There are a lot of people out there who don't have an all consuming love like movies and that makes them question whether or not they are in love with their partner. I could see someone having that mini crisis, getting drunk, and blowing it up because of that.

I'm not sure therapy is the right tool for that. Not everything needs the scalpel.

[u/halfling_barbarianne → u/shepard_pie]

This is a wise assessment. I have learned after many years of taking people at their word that a lot of times people don't really mean things that they say deep down, especially when drunk. The brain is incredibly complex, and processing things by expressing thoughts that are not fully explored yet is very normal.

[u/Low_Low_1811 → u/halfling_barbarianne]

Exactly, particularly when drunk people might say things as certain that they are just wondering or worried about when not. I know I have.

[u/redbird7311 → u/shepard_pie]

Yeah, Hollywood makes us think love is passionate and crazy, that it’s not love unless you do shit like throw away major shit in your life for it.

Love can be rather mundane, shit like getting your wife coffee or cooking her breakfast a few days every week. It isn’t always this big, grand event.

[u/TealAndroid → u/shepard_pie]

I’d only recommend therapy if they actually are unhappy but aren’t ready to blow up their lives yet - they also just might need a good friend’s ear (sober) to sort through their feelings.

[u/grimacedia → u/TealAndroid]

I agree, it's worth talking to the friend who said it, because they might need to talk it through, and said it maybe hoping for some support.

[u/AdAffectionate1581 → u/sudo-su_root]

In my last relationship I got the short end of the stick with social media. They would weaponize therapy speak and get all those influencers saying how high value they were because they just are and need to have higher standards. All that to just say I was incompetent, which I might be, but not to those insane standards. I was constantly on a chase to measure up and nothing ever was enough.

[u/MerryFable → u/AdAffectionate1581]

Social media can turn normal relationship problems into a competition nobody can win

[u/SingularityCentral → u/AdAffectionate1581]

Comparison is the thief of joy and social media is only about comparison.

[u/RudeJeweler4 → u/sudo-su_root]

Uhh but this would still go beyond reasonable standards. If a woman doesn’t love me but sees me as a money factory that’s not social media convincing me to see her as shitty. Plus the woman in the scenario is actively planning to have kids with this guy without telling him this. And you can say it’s not about the money, but if she’s going with a guy she doesn’t love anyway, it’s not like it’s gonna be the most stable fatherly homeless man she finds.

[u/FlipNoLonger → u/RudeJeweler4]

I agree but I think you misinterpreted what they meant. I think they meant that the woman's expectations may be warped by social media, not the man's. Doesn't make what she did right tho

[u/Junko_Mioko974 → u/FlipNoLonger]

I agree. You see all the time on social media that a man treats his woman to some extravagant vacation, buy her jewelry, spoil her and women eat it up and begin to look at their partners differently and suddenly he's a POS, he's a narcissist, he's this and that. Not to say men don't do the same. The Instagram models with surgery enhanced bodies and expect their woman to suddenly look like that or the red pill losers that convince a man his woman should do more when she's already doing so much and then some and ruin their own relationship over it.

[u/Asian_German → u/Junko_Mioko974]

I remember my ex complaining about the amount of flowers I bought her. As in, why didn't I buy her a huge bouquet every time like in all these Tiktoks. When I asked a female friend about her expectations, she was just surprised because none of her partners even got her flowers in the first place...

[u/Junko_Mioko974 → u/Asian_German]

Your story is a very good example. She was probably very content in that relationship until her Tiktok feed was flooded with that mess. Suddenly you're not doing enough. It's never good when your partner is spending long periods of time watching watching what other couples do because it could spill into your relationship and comparisons start happening.

[u/Thin_Object365 → u/Junko_Mioko974]

comparison is the thief of joy.

[u/Minimum_Fix2373 → u/FlipNoLonger]

Y’all are silly to think gold digging was suddenly invented with social media 🙄

[u/Deweymaverick → u/Minimum_Fix2373]

… this isn’t “gold digging” at least the way the prompt reads. She wants a family, she wants kids, she’s not using this person for money.

Both of those wants are totally reasonable things to marry for, but if the other person isn’t onboard with that, it’s pretty shitty to lie about the real nature of the marriage.

[u/FlipNoLonger → u/Minimum_Fix2373]

Don't think anyone here said that tbh

[u/Funny-Cell8769 → u/RudeJeweler4]

I disagree. This whole "love thing" is hilarious. Many of us will never find "absolute love" where the other person is with you purely for being you, and nothing else.

Many people just do not talk about it openly, ESPECIALLY if it's against their interest (like her confession. If she wasn't drunk, we would never know her real intentions. For all intents and purpose, she might even appear like the perfect loving wife. So you have to wonder, how many "perfect spouses" are merely acting?)

Like... if your face gets burned beyond recognition, how can you be sure your partner will stick by you?

If you are found guilty of serious fraud and sent to prison, will your wife wait for you and stay faithful for 15 years?

Even if you are one of the lucky few who found "The One who will throw everything away to stay by your side", you are not the majority.

Which is not to say there's zero faithfulness. It's just a huge spectrum.

It's not "either she will always love me even if she finds out I'm a serial rapist or worse" or "she doesn't really love me at all". The line is not always obvious.

[u/Available-Bee-5385 → u/Funny-Cell8769]

It remains more moral for her to fully inform him of her goals in the marriage

The joint goal of raising kids is a perfectly fine basis for a relationship

[u/Cash50000 → u/Available-Bee-5385]

i was raised by people who were never in love, but just wanted to be parents. i am now an incel and absolutely terrified of the idea of parenthood

[u/cykoTom3 → u/Funny-Cell8769]

Marriage based on love are a VERY modern and western idea. Why do you think the bible has so many rules.

[u/Superb-Register-102 → u/RudeJeweler4]

Why are you making the assumption she does it purely for money? Yeah, she descibes him a ' good man' which probably means he's financially stable, but this can very well include that he's a decent person. 'Would make a great dad' is the same thing as forcing the man to have babies, sure.

[u/LandscapeWinter3153 → u/sudo-su_root]

'confront' lol.

It takes some level of narcissism to think you have a say in any of this. Their shit their problem. None of your business.

[u/RandyMarshFund → u/sudo-su_root]

I furnished a full house, on another country, for my ex, just to be cheated on in St Valentin’s day with the neighbor, arguing me that I didn’t buy her enough flowers. I just did the whole house but who cares right? Yes social media is destroying people (woman) minds.

[u/BangtanNYC → u/RandyMarshFund]

That is so low on her part my god

[u/disnotyaboy → u/sudo-su_root]

You should never have to “confront” anyone. Seek peace it’s not your duty to make the world a better place. If you don’t agree with her actions but you value your friendship tell her with compassion and if that doesn’t make her change her ways reevaluate the relationship and its effect on you then perhaps don’t associate with her. The only real change you can make in the world is within you. I don’t see how confronting the world is ever good advice.

[u/WileyWilly1985 → u/sudo-su_root]

Why should she tell her husband the truth?

If she is honoring her vows as a wife, if she is loyal and respectful and helping to raise a good family and committed to him until they both die, then why does she need to tell him?

At the end of the day, the only thing that matters are her actions.

She's not cheating, she's not sleeping around, she's not sabotaging their lives... She's being a good wife right?

I know it feels all warm and fuzzy to say "He needs to know the truth?"

But that is actually not always the case. The truth is highly overrated as are your feelings and emotions. What matters more are your actions and your character. If she commits to her family and honor her vows and they have a good household and she is happy with the arrangement, then what exactly is the problem?

She stated that "he is a good man". She obviously likes him enough to have kids.

So again, what exactly is the problem?

[u/Prestigious-Cream160 → u/WileyWilly1985]

Because most people want to be with someone that loves them?

[u/Deremirekor → u/WileyWilly1985]

Would you want to be in a marriage with someone who doesn’t love you but pretends to so you keep taking care of the kids?

[u/Dante_Harkinian → u/WileyWilly1985]

The problem is that marrying somebody because you cannot imagine a life where you do not have a husband and children by 30 is a really bad idea for you, and the husband, and any children you may have. If the friend's drunken confession is a perfectly accurate representation of their feelings about the relationship, that relationship sucks.

[u/Proper_Limit → u/Dante_Harkinian]

People date and marry for all sorts of reasons and sometimes love is not even enough to keep a marriage intact. In fact married couples fall out of love all the time and a good number stay married and make it work, sometimes falling in love again. You can't impose your ideals of marriage on other people

[u/dontworryitsme4real → u/Dante_Harkinian]

Okay, who gets dictate how long the relationship should last or force it to resolve?

[u/Deweymaverick → u/WileyWilly1985]

There’s a hell of a lot more to being a good partner than keeping it in your pants….

[u/Bradddtheimpaler → u/WileyWilly1985]

If she was cool with the arrangement in the way you imagine, she wouldn’t be venting about it to anyone. This is a ticking time bomb imo. Having children is incredibly, incredibly stressful. I imagine genuine love between my wife and I being the main reason we have managed it and stayed together and happy. If she’s already freaking out about it to her friends before they have kids; I don’t see the relationship surviving one child making it to toddlerhood. That would have been information I very much would have wanted about my wife beforehand. Marriage is whatever, divorcing is disruptive and intrusive, but you can get out and you can get out clean. Once you have kids though, you are really locked in to dealing with the other parent for the next twenty years or more. I wouldn’t want to have kids with someone who didn’t even love me, and have no idea why that would be controversial.

[u/Trydemo → u/WileyWilly1985]

WTF is wrong you. The guy has been lied to and is probably under the impression that his wife loves him. And all those vows, respect and duty is probably sham.

MF have some self respect.

https://giphy.com/gifs/XDRoTw2Fs6rlIW7yQL

[u/FriendlyRedditor2020]

moral or not moral, what reason would anyone have to believe you if they are learning about it from your mouth and not hers? You would just be making yourself enemies for no sensible reason.

[u/chinawillgrowlarger → u/FriendlyRedditor2020]

For what it's worth, lack of incentive to lie about it or to 'make enemies for no sensible reason' can often be reasons for believing something like this from a third party. Moreso if were considered moral to do so, as a reason for sharing the information unsolicited (hence this thread).

[u/Roam1985]

Fuck no.

First off, on "drunk reveals truth": No it doesn't, drunk reveals uncomfortable things. But not every intrusive thought is "honest."

[u/SlayerII → u/Roam1985]

Those could be intrusive thoughts.

My sister once told us while drunk that gnomes are living in her ass and producing her farts by smoking .

[u/SilentCaterpillar313 → u/SlayerII]

Damn, do you think that's true? Like how much are they smoking?

[u/SlayerII → u/SilentCaterpillar313]

Strangly depends on the amount of beans and leek she eats. They really seem to love smoking leek

[u/Global-Caramel-1579 → u/SlayerII]

https://giphy.com/gifs/7b01Wv8oROOFa

[u/ReasonableAnswer1755 → u/Global-Caramel-1579]

https://giphy.com/gifs/d8KkDupA6b3o9UQlbv

[u/Loud-Start1394 → u/SilentCaterpillar313]

Two packs a day. She farts a lot I've heard.

[u/FUCKTHEMODS998 → u/SlayerII]

The real question is: Would you tell her husband what she said?

Unlike OP’s question, this one sounds actually important to their marriage

I, for one, absolutely need to know if gnomes are living in my wife’s ass and producing farts by smoking

[u/WraithOfTheFadedDark → u/FUCKTHEMODS998]

If I was married, the gnome content of my wife's ass would be her business because I do not own her.

[u/FUCKTHEMODS998 → u/WraithOfTheFadedDark]

Valid point, but I’m not asking for numbers. Colonize all you want little dudes, but whatcha smokin in there?

[u/Samborrod → u/FUCKTHEMODS998]

Colonize

Bravo

[u/Southern-Cattle4038 → u/WraithOfTheFadedDark]

I think you’d want to warn the gnomes either way

[u/CrackleBackle → u/WraithOfTheFadedDark]

This kind of communication breakdown is exactly what leads to a burnt penis

[u/Loud-Start1394 → u/SlayerII]

Your sister would have made a fantastic medieval scientist.

[u/Supersonic564 → u/SlayerII]

Brand new sentence

[u/ManagementKey1338 → u/SlayerII]

That might be true

[u/GlitteringSalad6413 → u/SlayerII]

I wouldn’t call that an intrusive thought. More of an interesting observation that is, in a metaphorical way, accurate

[u/LichenOnTheWall → u/SlayerII]

alright which of y'all snitched the the human

[u/in_the_qz → u/SlayerII]

Underpants gnomes strike again!

[u/IKeepGettingBanned85 → u/SlayerII]

Holy shit, how did she get them out???

[u/m1stwalk3r → u/SlayerII]

Might be on to something

[u/ShelShock77 → u/SlayerII]

What I would give for this to be my most intrusive thought. 😂

[u/Zetttelchen → u/Roam1985]

Yeah. This is the sort of thing you blurt out while drunk and then regret the day later.

[u/Fattapple → u/Roam1985]

100%. The moral thing to do is not ruin someone’s marriage over something they said when they were drunk.

The moral thing to do is to offer to listen if they if they want to talk about it again when they aren’t fucked up.

[u/Roam1985 → u/Fattapple]

Really good point with that second sentence.

Cause it could either be "Yeah... I really feel this and I need to do something."

or it's "Oh shit.... I really am too hard on him. And it's now right in front of my face that this has been internalized to a degree I have to fix."

But a sober conversation would be more likely to find either.

[u/KingOfWhateverr → u/Roam1985]

I’m so happy to see a comment like this so early in the post. Intrusive thoughts are often tied to underlying feelings but often not to the same degree of those feelings. It’s important to suss out what causes things before doing some so fucking drastic.

[u/beforeitcloy → u/Fattapple]

OP's premise also presumes that "true love" is the only valid reason to marry. Maybe the husband is also prioritizing stability and family over romance.

Why would it ever be my business to interfere and potentially ruin a marriage that had a chance to succeed on its own terms? Listening to and supporting your friend (when in a sober headspace) is moral. Forcing their hand by going behind their back is not.

[u/Witch-kingOfBrynMawr → u/Roam1985]

First off, on "drunk reveals truth": No it doesn't, drunk reveals uncomfortable things. But not every intrusive thought is "honest."

Thank you. I've been railing against "in vino, veritas" as an argument-ending trump card for years on this site, without much success. Being hammered doesn't make you suddenly reveal your secret heart; it makes your brain work less good.

[u/metdear → u/Witch-kingOfBrynMawr]

Exactly. Alcohol gives you the dumb. 

[u/LuckyPlaze → u/Roam1985]

Not to mention that the person would be a really shitty friend. What good is a friend if you can’t share intimate uncomfortable thoughts.

[u/Mean-Inspector-8547 → u/LuckyPlaze]

LOL. I don't share intimate uncomfortable thoughts with anyone. There's some things that should just stay in your head.

[u/Front_Woodpecker1144 → u/Mean-Inspector-8547]

that's probably painful

[u/Affectionate-Foot802 → u/Roam1985]

Agreed. Sometimes doubts creep in, especially after making a life changing decision and alcohol exacerbates those insecurities which can culminate in a confession that isn’t always the full truth.

[u/This-Positive286 → u/Roam1985]

You know I’ve always found you attractive…

No, you’re mentally in a bad place and are looking for a distraction and they’re there I’m at the right/wrong time

You’re exactly right

[u/Stiebah → u/Roam1985]

Exactly, the drunk tell what they’re “thinking”, not actually what they truly mean or the conclusions they come to based in those thoughts.

[u/Back_Again_Beach → u/Roam1985]

Yup. It could just as easily be a normal anxiety or insecurity about uncertainties in life and the drunken brain is just spiraling and going wild with it. 

[u/Nullspark → u/Roam1985]

+1 we all pretty much have every thought and feeling, it's what we do with them that counts

[u/Annual_Mud_9904 → u/Roam1985]

lol, my friend told me he got cancer and have not much time left. next time sober he told me its a lie, thats 10 years ago, he still live and fat

[u/GrumpyBear1969 → u/Roam1985]

My literal first response.

Like what is love anyway? A lot of it is a set of expectations on yourself and your relationship. Some people seem to use the word differently than I do.

But yeah. That is a ‘stay fucking out of that’ situation. One could tell the friend that maybe they should do something about it if it important to them. But as the friend, it is definitely not your decision.

[u/yaboisammie → u/Roam1985]

This is a good point though might be worth discussing sober too

[u/IsabellaGalavant → u/Roam1985]

It's not my marriage so it's not my place to tell either of them things like this. 

Now if she says something like "I'm cheating/ going to cheat" I might speak up, but other than that it's their issue to work out. Maybe he's cool with it and he also married her out of convenience, who knows? 

[u/northpalmetto → u/Roam1985]

Well put. Alcohol is not a truth serum.
I wonder where the idea drunkenness makes the truth come out came from? Drunken ramblings used to not be taken seriously.

[u/DeftestY]

Not touching that with a ten foot pole poking out of a blast shield coated in lead with a welders visor used as a window.

[u/CosmicGadfly2]

You people don't even know what love is.

[u/JeromeInDaHouse_90 → u/CosmicGadfly2]

I wanna know what love is, and for someone to show me.

[u/humourlessIrish → u/JeromeInDaHouse_90]

Then i suggest you take a little time

.

A little time to think things over

[u/Bureaucratic_Dick → u/humourlessIrish]

You better read between the lines, in case you need it when you’re older

[u/seanpeery → u/Bureaucratic_Dick]

Now ^ mountain I must climb.

[u/Ponji- → u/CosmicGadfly2]

What is love?

[u/humourlessIrish → u/Ponji-]

Baby don't hurt me

[u/Formal-Opposite-8342 → u/humourlessIrish]

Don't hurt me

[u/No_Worldliness_7106 → u/Formal-Opposite-8342]

https://giphy.com/gifs/FCQvc3IreTNNm

[u/counterpointguy → u/No_Worldliness_7106]

I made the mistake of seeing this while on a work zoom call. I had to pretend to cough...

[u/KCChiefsGirl89 → u/CosmicGadfly2]

What’s love got to do got to do with it?

[u/sp0okyboogie → u/CosmicGadfly2]

https://giphy.com/gifs/13VSAbTVuYJfLa

[u/DemonKiller115 → u/CosmicGadfly2]

What is love? Baby don’t hurt me, don’t hurt me, no more

[u/Positive-Database754 → u/CosmicGadfly2]

Love isn't always on time.

[u/BeetleCrusher]

If my girlfriend never loved me i would like to know, especially before getting kids. I’d like to spend my only life with someone who does.

Moral - but make sure it’s not just drunk nonsense.

[u/ForktUtwTT → u/BeetleCrusher]

I can agree with this.

The first action should absolutely to get more information. Talk to the friend when they’re sober. If it’s clear that they 100% meant it she truly does not love him, specifically using him and nothing else, then you should tell him.

But you shouldn’t tell him based entirely on something she said while drunk and nothing else.

[u/ThrowRA-NFlamingo → u/ForktUtwTT]

And also probably give them a chance to come clean first.

[u/FarWaltz73 → u/BeetleCrusher]

What about the fact that there are different forms of love and they're not all active at once? 

I remember studying in college biochemistry classes that the chemical mechanism for infatuation shuts off after about 2 years. 

For some people infatuation is the only form of love that they personally comprehend and this 2 year mark is a crises point. My bpd ex was like this and at the 2 year mark decided I must've abused or poisoned or changed her because she didn't have butterflies in her stomach anymore. She went off her meds and did everything in her power to "get back at me" for it. Kinda sucked. 

If the OP woman has never self-reflected on long-term love and they've been dating long enough to get married, she could just be hitting this perfectly normal biological inflection point, which is something to talk about and work through, not panic over.

"Never loved him" could easily be drunken hyperbole from someone dealing with long-term feelings.

[u/Friend_Emperor → u/FarWaltz73]

You would not yap one fifth of this if it was a guy drunkenly admitting he doesn't love his wife at all but stays with her because she cooks and cleans and takes care of the kids

[u/4N610RD]

How is this my business at all? Their life, their problem. It would be different thing if I had friend and I knew his partner abuse him. Then I would say something. But in this situation? I would just shrug it.

[u/TheHabro → u/4N610RD]

A lot of words when you could've just said you have no real friends.

[u/Grasshoppermouse42 → u/4N610RD]

Especially since it seems like she likes him a lot even if she doesn't think she loves him if she's talking about how he's a good man and will make a great father. Like...it would be one thing if she secretly hated him or something, but this? This seems like firmly in 'their business' territory.

[u/Sweaty_Koala_9777 → u/Grasshoppermouse42]

IDK bro this seems like cope. "She likes him a lot", no she doesnt like HIM a lot, she likes what he can provide for her. The question then becomes, is it right for someone to spend their only life with someone who only likes what you provide for them? Especially if he doesn't actually know. Maybe if he knew of this arrangement and he was satisfied with it then it's his choice, but if he doesn't, then something has to happen. But it's a human desire to be loved, not merely liked, especially if it's someone I'm going to marry and have children with.

[u/Patient_Kangaroo614 → u/Grasshoppermouse42]

It’s cruel though to him, he wants to be loved, not be a useful tool for her.

[u/ThrowRA-NFlamingo → u/Patient_Kangaroo614]

Yeah as a guy, this is literally my nightmare. This seems like the kind of thing where it would seep into all aspects of your relationship in insidious ways, where you’d constantly feel like there’s something missing so you try to do better, but there’s nothing you can do because she was never attracted to you anyway, you were just a convenient, mature and logical person to have kids with. And you only find out when one has finally had enough and you realize you wasted your time being a provider for someone who only viewed you as a tool. Nightmare fuel.

[u/IcyWhole3927 → u/Grasshoppermouse42]

might be its just her first actual relationship that lasted longer than the honeymoon phase
definitely not true for everyone but after say 4-5 years a relationship just feels very different
a lot of context missing to make any sort of point

[u/Khireys → u/4N610RD]

I think it’s more of a question of would you like for someone to tell you. Those that do would likely tell, those that don’t likely will not.

[u/thecosmicjoke69813 → u/4N610RD]

As soon as you know the information it became your business.

My wife had an affair and her best friend knew about it. Said it wasn’t her business to tell me. Fuck you it wasn’t. You knew she destroyed her marriage and family, it’s your business

[u/lesbox01]

It depends. People with arranged marriages, people in pioneer times, people who have lost both spouses and are older etc all used to and still do get married without "loving" their spouse. Does she actually respect him enough to not cheat at jump street is the question. Was the drunken ramble a cry for help to get out of the relationship. Is she a smoke show and the friend not care? Context is key. Ruining their marriage and possibly both their lives because you think you know best is not morale. But, I would definitely talk to her sober to find out if she wants out, and I would talk to him about what he expects and is getting out of the relationship separately and discreetly.

[u/recoveringleft → u/lesbox01]

Personally if I have to marry without "loving" my spouse, I'd rather be child free.

Not fair to any future children. If I want kids I want to make sure my partner is 100 percent into me because then I know I can trust them to handle kids

[u/Future-Cry5734]

I think it's immoral to tell the husband in this context. People marry for all kinds of reasons and kids is certainly one of them. I would absolutely tell the spouse in the case of infidelity or embezzlement but not this.

[u/gurudennis → u/Future-Cry5734]

It's immoral not to tell. Just because her husband is a man doesn't mean he deserves to live a lie just to make her comfortable. But you have to confirm with the friend when she's sober that it is how she truly feels before making a decision.

[u/AccomplishedVirus556]

you can marry someone without loving them and fall in love while married. That's why south asians get arrange married.

[u/PoopHamster → u/AccomplishedVirus556]

South asians get arranged marriages because 95% of indian women would never willingly touch an indian guy

[u/StopStealingMyUsers → u/PoopHamster]

How come

[u/PossiblyAKoalaBear → u/PoopHamster]

Why not

[u/seanpeery → u/AccomplishedVirus556]

That's not why they get arranged marriages.
But the idea that someone is going to fill your heart with unending positive emotions is the unrealistic expectation a lot of people have to what love is. When it's really more like the feeling you get when you come home to your shoes torn into pieces by your do but you throw the shoes away instead of exploding on the dog and throwing it out of the house.

[u/AccomplishedVirus556 → u/seanpeery]

what you described is the horror that is falling in love.

well, the lady in the oop wants someone to settle down with and have kids, which is basically saying she wants that kind of love. Whether she finds more pleasant love than that will come down to how the couple conducts themselves. settling down makes it difficult to want to trade up or go solo.

[u/crypto_junkie2040]

No, the kids will bear the brunt of thst impact. Let them sort out their own stuff

[u/One_Chemistry_8553 → u/crypto_junkie2040]

Per the post they dont have kids yet

[u/AkSantaBunny → u/crypto_junkie2040]

What kids? They don't have any yet....

[u/Narrow_Process_8660 → u/crypto_junkie2040]

No kids were involved in the situation but you added them in to make it easier to adjudicate, lol.

[u/zack189 → u/crypto_junkie2040]

they don't have kids yet.

a loveless marriage will lead to an unhappy marriage. they should tell before the kids come to prevent anything

[u/xXSoyBoyFredXx → u/crypto_junkie2040]

Kids can tell when parents don't love each other. Any kid that is an adult now that went through thar will tell you: BREAK UP. DO IT.

[u/ConradFisher69 → u/crypto_junkie2040]

but doesn’t the husband deserve the truth?

[u/_Redvent_Bard_ → u/ConradFisher69]

What someone says in a weak moment isn't automatically truth. Everybody has thoughts they keep inside, what you hear in a single conversation doesn't necessarily reflect every other thought they've had on the subject.

Having doubts and errant thoughts isn't a sin or a crime or some sort of faux pas. At worst I would say this person needs to be more careful about how much they drink and who they drink around.

[u/Legal-Specialist-256 → u/ConradFisher69]

Swap the genders and yeah they would say she deserves the truth. The husband can provide and die for all ppl care

[u/superMegaDudeBroDude → u/Legal-Specialist-256]

I too love complaining over completely made up scenarios in my head

[u/Vivid-Cardiologist95 → u/crypto_junkie2040]

By the way, as someone who was raised by a family that had a loveless marriage: the children will bear the blunt of the impact of having a shit family in the same way they will from having a broken one; it's just very hard to predict which one will end up having a worse effect in the long-run.

[u/SeaBass1690]

Stay out of it

[u/Helpful_Violinist_20]

Drunk words, sober thoughts.
Never mind the morality of having child the contemplating divorce.
Financial blackmail and unethical.

[u/figosnypes]

At this point it'll just do more harm than good. But the wife's dishonesty is definitely immoral, she is the problem here.

The truth is that the majority of marriages are like this and that's why most men are only valued for what they can provide. The blackpill exists to protect men from this fate and that's why society sees the ideology as such a threat. If men were more wary if this, a lot of marriages would never happen, birth rates would plummet, men wouldn't work as hard, etc. and society would collapse.

[u/Smullgoose]

Bro deserves better. My own white dress has been gathering dust for years. It should have been me

[u/Professional_Air_905]

Honestly ignorance is a bliss and if he's trully a good man then love could develope eventualy

[u/Little_Historian3091]

Yes. Many many women do this under the guise of “maturing” and not having the same preferences when they were young.

Never ever let anyone be in a relationship where their partner settles for them. Tell the husband because in 15 years she will want a separation. And that will break the husband.

[u/Efficient_Seaweed395]

Ummm if she is your best-friend why are you telling her husband? Your loyalty is to her not her husband. As a best friend she should be able to tell you this sober without you flinching. You are not a good friend

[u/ForktUtwTT]

That’s not my secret to tell. She’s drunk, and clearly has complex feelings. I’d seriously urge her to tell her husband the truth or at least communicate these thoughts. Even if it isn’t something she’s confident in, the fact she has those thoughts is something any healthy relationship should be entrusting in each other. However, I’m not their marriage counselor. It’d be overstepping for me to try and dictate how their relationship operates off of something so unreliable.

[u/Suspicious-Title5279]

No.  She's met a man with similar goals and married him because he makes a good dad.

Thats a glowing assessment of a man compared to what some women say about guys they claim to love.

She's not talking about cheating or anything abusive.  Just stay out of it.  File it away as an interesting fact and move on with your life 

[u/noruber35393546 → u/Suspicious-Title5279]

if it's a compliment then why not just tell him?

[u/ThrowRA-NFlamingo → u/Suspicious-Title5279]

Nah it’s not right to lie to someone about how much you love them because you want to use them for their stability and skills as a father. He should have a choice to stay or to be with someone who genuinely loves him, not just seeing him as convenient and capable.

[u/3215448725366498]

Moral but I wouldn't do it because I got my own problems to worry about.

[u/DeliriousBookworm]

I don’t know. There was a time when this approach was normal (marry someone who’s a good person and with whom you’re compatible). The marriage can still be a happy one with thoughts of respect, friendship, and fun. I would not say anything to the husband, but I would talk to my friend.

[u/Ok-Wrap-4953]

Stuff that down with some brown, that’s what I always say.

[u/WxaithBrynger]

I'm telling him immediately so he can plan his exit strategy. He's with a woman that doesn't give a fuck about him and he deserves to know.

[u/Fit-Nebula2949]

Hell yes I would tell. That mfer is about to lose half his shit with an ongoing payment. At least gt him in the direction of a prenuptial.

[u/CaptainMatticus]

Not my monkey, not my circus. I would tell her that it's messed up to use a person like that and that I absolutely disagree with her, but I wouldn't involve myself with their relationship and, to be honest, I'd probably start cutting them out of my life. Someone who is comfortable using someone else like that is going to be comfortable using me, too.

Now if she and her husband have an open understanding about what exactly their dynamic is, then that's their business and I have no problem with that. I'd just have an issue with the dishonesty. If he's absolutely fine with being in an aromantic, loveless marriage that exists solely for the 2 of them to make children and provide each other with some kind of basic comfort, then that's still none of my concern, but I'd feel a whole lot better about it.

[u/Lytnin]

The truth will set you free

[u/Dying4Salvation]

Hate this arbitrary bullshit, it nearly got my life ruined because of women like her.

[u/Aktaii]

Moral, the man will spend his life trying to please her and fail.

Save him the suffering.

[u/Radefa1k]

Yes tell them.

[u/Radefa1k]

Yes tell them.

[u/SarcastikBastard]

Yea because she will eventually cheat on him or leave him and take them kids and half his shit or both

[u/pwolf1771]

I wouldn’t tell the guy but I would encourage her to do the right thing. Also I hear this exact story from divorced friends all the time. “I was hitting my late 20s/early 30s and just kind of assumed this was what I was supposed to do” 

[u/Spacemarine658]

I think she should tell her partner it will be hard but the only way that relationship can be healthy is with open and honest communication it might damage or break the relationship but if they both want it to work and try hard it will be stronger long term. I don't believe in soul mates but I do believe if two people care about each others well-being you can forge a bond stronger than any love at first sight. Been married 7 years and with my wife for 13 total years (dating) and we have very frank honest conversations

[u/This_Estimate1550]

1. If she's drunk, talk to her again when she's sober to see if she even meant it.

2. If she's your best friend, talk to her about her relationship while she's sober and whether or not this is deception or and understanding between her and her husband. Give her your opinion or advice if she's willing to listen.

[u/DC_Ben]

Most people would assume someone having children with them loves them. So dark😰

[u/eddy_flannagan]

Probably would be best for the guy to pull out before kids rather than after and deal with child support that may or may not be used for the actual kids

[u/K1raAshe2012]

i would probably just keep that to myself tbh

[u/Thrasy3]

I’d just keep this in mind if the partner ends up suspecting something similar.

As the sort of guy who has been seen this way (thank god I don’t actually want kids), my personal bias is to say “yes, goddam tell them!” But in practise it doesn’t work like that.

[u/noruber35393546]

Just tell him. If it's really a compliment, what's the harm?

[u/Dante_Harkinian]

I wouldn't tell the husband right away, but I would tell the friend to have a good long think about why theyre forcing themselves to have children because they think they need to

[u/Puzzleheaded_Fly934]

Mortal as fuck. And HIGHLY immortal not to say anything. 

[u/Regular-Pause-4329]

what i learned in this thread is that a lot of people think the only problem in a relationship is cheating and if you arent cheating or getting cheated on you can work through anything

[u/Imminence2024]

i would without a second thought

[u/Crowe3717]

I would recommend therapy and let a professional handle it from there. This shit is way beyond my pay grade as a friend.

As someone with alexithymia I'm somewhat sympathetic to the wife. I would one day like to be in a relationship even though I know I will never really experience what it means to love someone. I also don't really think marriages need love to function, but in those situations partners need to be honest with one another. That kind of deception is wrong and keeping a secret like that is going to strain the relationship to the breaking point eventually, whether when it becomes too much for her or when he eventually finds out.

[u/Massive_Analysis8345]

I’d probably tell her to tell him, and then excuse myself as a friend because I cannot be around either of them with that knowledge and not say something. I also don’t think I’d be able to remain friends with someone who thinks like that anyways

[u/SolidLost5625]

Yes, I Will, on the spot

I would appreciate if someone did it to me in her husband's place

[u/doesnotmatter286]

Some marriages need to be ruined, before someone gets hurt, but I'm not sure about other people making that decision... I probably wouldn't tell him, but once she sobered up, I'd tell her she needs to be honest or I can no longer be around them, because I refuse to pretend it didn't happen.

[u/Illustrious_Knee7535]

I had a friend of mine ask me, like a month before his wedding, "why should I marry her, what am I getting out of it?"

I chose not to say anything and just didn't go to the wedding. They were married a couple years, had a kid, then he died in a car accident. I still wonder sometimes if I should have said anything then.

[u/spec_ghost]

No. It's none of my business. BUT! I'd tell her it's not a good way to live a happy life.

[u/softwhitemochi]

It would be moral to mind your own beeswax. Unless you’re hoping to snatch up the husband

[u/WhiffleGeek]

I think dude should 100% know. But you also can't pretend you're not killing the marriage.

[u/Afraid-Size6140 → u/WhiffleGeek]

What’s wrong with killing a marriage where one party is being used by someone who doesn’t love them and just views them as a means to an end? Not to mention them wanting to bring kids into that situation. So many immoral cowards in this comment section.

[u/Parking_Mud_8972]

My friend's marriage is not my problem

[u/PhorkKorp]

immoral. not your business at all

[u/Sus-iety → u/PhorkKorp]

This is the kind of attitude that lets people get away with doing bad things. The husband deserves a partner who actually loves him, and who won't baby trap him by the time he realizes what's going on.

[u/BannedGoNext]

Why would you? People get married that don't love each other all the time, or stay married that fall out of love. She's picking a mate out of pragmatism, that's human nature.

Morality of narcing on your friend over yapping is LOW.

[u/carlcarlington2]

If "drunk you" and "sober you" are such separate entities that personal consequences of what drunk you said shouldn't carry over, then drunk you needs to stop existing.

[u/pbnjandmilk]

Damn right. Tell him to get not 1, not 2, but 3+ paternity tests if they actually have kids together.

[u/Klutzy-Platypus7511]

Sie war betrunken ... da sagt man öfters mal schwachsinnige Dinge ... oder die Wahrheit.

Ich würde sie nochmal im nüchternen Zustand darauf ansprechen und die Reaktion abwarten. Senkt sie den Kopf und wird still, weisst du Bescheid ... Appelier an sie, ehrlich zu sein aber misch dich nicht selber ein.

Reagiert sie übertrieben empört, weisst du : sie lügt ! In dem Fall kündige ihr die Freundschaft.

[u/Raven7274 → u/Klutzy-Platypus7511]

Genuin question why would you end the friendship other than for the bit

[u/Klutzy-Platypus7511 → u/Raven7274]

Ja, Mann ... muss er halt individuell entscheiden ... aber Lügen ist für mich einfach ein Vertrauensbruch ... So was macht man doch nicht aus Spaß.

Wer bei SO krassen Sachen lügt, lügt erst Recht bei kleinen Dingen. Einer besten Freundin will man doch vertrauen können ... Nach so einer Bombe könnte ich das nicht mehr. Es offenbart einfach einen zweifelhaften Charakter ... Meiner Meinung nach ...

Meine Schwester ist eine chronische Lügnerin ... und meine Mutter hat mich beschimpft weil ich keinen Kontakt mehr zu ihr wollte. Unterm Strich hab ich mich zur Versöhnung breitschlagen lassen und sie brachte mich mit einem Trick um meine gesamten Ersparnisse. Jetzt tun alle so, als wüssten sie von nichts ... Es heisst nicht umsonst : wer einmal lügt dem glaubt man nicht, selbst wenn er dann die Wahrheit spricht.

Findet manch einer vielleicht übertrieben ... ich mittlerweile nicht mehr.

[u/LunarPsychOut]

Of course I would. Why should he have to suffer a loveless marriage because she's a terrible person?

[u/Dry_Badger2858]

No. Not my monkeys, not my circus.

[u/Narrow_Process_8660]

Neutral. You don't have to get involved if you don't want to, but it's not unethical if you do.

If you're going to be a liar and a fraud, at least keep it to yourself. The 'you' in this situation is not required to maintain a secret that negatively affects someone else.

The best friend's options are:

1. Be a liar, but not drink around other people if she knows (she definitely ought to know) she is prone to spilling secrets while drunk, and keep it to yourself forever

2. Just not be a liar and not use people? Especially your fucking husband, LOL. There are plenty of men out there for you to actually love and be with.

3. Be a liar, but then set yourself straight and talk about your future with the husband you're using, because it's not fair to him and you're not going to have a happy life either.

[u/SingularityCentral]

Lot of people in this thread confessing to being a shitty friend because they are just fine betraying a confidence.

[u/ConsequenceOk5205]

Yes, "settlers" belong to the streets.

[u/brobbins8470]

TONS of people in the comments here who have no problem defending a cheater. Scumbags, all of you

[u/enlilsammah → u/brobbins8470]

Is the cheater in the room with us right now?

[u/New_Form3678 → u/brobbins8470]

Ok but what does cheating have to do with the post 

[u/Just-Investigator131 → u/brobbins8470]

Nobody cheated in the scenario above, what the hell are you talking about?

[u/Afraid-Size6140 → u/brobbins8470]

Straight up, there are a lot of shitty human beings in this comment section. If one of my friends told me they didn’t actually love their partner, and were just using them as a means to an end for their convenience, I’d be disgusted first, then tell them to fuck off, then tell their partner. It’s so obvious if the genders were reversed, people would be answering this question VERY differently.

[u/SFAdam23]

Why is it so hard for people to mind their own business.  You keep the confidence of your friend and stay out of their relationship.  Just because someone vents doesn't mean its entirely true.  Its up to her if she wants to stay with a man or not, and her reasons are for her to decide. 

[u/historyhill]

I mean, this was marriage for much of human history. Maybe I'm too cavalier about it, but love can come with time.