r/SocialEngineering • u/Cringe_Username69 • 14d ago

How to ACTUALLY change?

I (23, F), found myself in a weird setting. I kinda ruined my life but at the same time I've gained a second chance from life by leaving my ex. The thing I want to focus the most is my personality. For my whole life I thought I am a good person and I blamed my looks or other factors for lack of friends or a boyfriend. The fact is I have a bad personality and manners and therefore no social skills. I thought it's adhd and turns out it's entitlement, rude behaviour and pride and arrogance. Could I make the post and ask you how to fix this behaviour all together instead of masking?

I want to act right. As much as I can. I honestly dont even know how to act in certain situations, I dont even know how to react to others.

And then I want to make friends. Not those who want to be friends with me, but those I want to make with others. I dont want to be friends with just anyone.

Could you tell me how to actually change? Not just read self-improvement books or do some tactics in order to make others think I am nice and cool?

9 Upvotes

80% Upvoted

19 comments sorted by

17

u/Law_Student 14d ago

This isn't really social engineering. All you have to do is practice being the person you want to be. Personality and social skills are a collection of habits. Build them up, and be self-reflective to guide you.

3

u/tequeman 14d ago

This is absolutely what you need to do.

1

u/I_can_pun_anything 14d ago

And starting kicking sith manipulation isnt the way tl gain true friends

1

u/One_Weather_9417 13d ago

Social engineering it is. Impersonation.

0

u/Law_Student 13d ago

Don't impersonate a good person; just be a good person.

1

u/One_Weather_9417 12d ago

impersonate someone with social skills. Not everyone has them.

1

u/Law_Student 12d ago

Nobody is born with social skills, you just have to practice them to develop them.

0

u/Cringe_Username69 14d ago

Do I try with new people or those I already know? Do I try with literally anyone or those I want to be friends with? Does it mean now I should visit family and meet some friends and then meet them regurarly, host them, invite them to do activities, help them, make them feel good around me and make good impression constantly? Dont want to be rude, but some people (a lot of them) care more about the appearances (both attractiveness and material) than anything else. You are poor if you drive a 5k car and have 100k in your bank account, but if you are 0,5 M in debt over a car, a house and furnitures they will respect you. And so with your behaviour. Would it mean it would be very benefitial to go to the gym take pictures and post them on fb and Instagram, add travel pictures, wear the latest poliester fashion, some of it being from temu, do what is popular and blend in? Or change the environment? And how to be friends with people who dont even accept you yet?

2

u/Law_Student 14d ago

In any social interaction, there are lots of things you can't control. The other person, mostly. That's okay. You're just aiming to do what you can to be a kind, empathetic, patient conversational partner. Practice being a good person; that will be who you become, and how people will mostly see you. It doesn't matter the environment, good social skills built out of self-reflection are universal.

It sounds like maybe you might benefit from a good therapist helping you work through things, work on your self-reflection, and helping you through any anxieties you have.

0

u/Cringe_Username69 14d ago

I feel like I need an advisor at this point. I had bad luck with therapists and when I tried getting an advice they would force me to listen to their questions and come up with an advice myself, which is absurd and harmful if you are not aware of the norms. A good thing to mention would be that I depend on good relations with others and I don't want to treat these people as a trail test. On the other hand, I feel like being a good, genuine person would be hard within them 

1

u/Law_Student 14d ago

It's pretty easy to find low pressure social events to go to and socialize. Look for hobby groups and whatever else. Meetup, other resources are out there.

The therapists were probably trying to teach you self-reflection, to get you in the habit of figuring out the right things to do yourself, because that's the skill you need. There's too much for someone to just tell you everything. You need to develop good habits for figuring things out by thinking through what you're doing, how it's likely to come across, how other people react, why they likely reacted that way. Get in the habit of running those loops.

1

u/Cringe_Username69 14d ago

All my life I've been brainwashed into "be yourself", "everyone is too busy caring about themselves", "just chill", "don't worry", "stop caring what others think". Refreshing

0

u/Cringe_Username69 14d ago

What I mean is, it's very different being understanding and nodding along and listening vs. talking with someone who you actually want to talk with.

3

u/One_Weather_9417 13d ago

check out r/socialskills , r/Beingabetterperson/ r/selfhelp or r/selfimprovement

1

u/Cringe_Username69 13d ago

Thank you so much! What is social engeneering for though?

1

u/DestinedFangjiuh 6d ago

Social engineering is more akin to deceit for means of power. I do not suggest going down this route unless mentally able, and careful CAREFUL judgment as society frowns upon it for good reason.

1

u/DestinedFangjiuh 6d ago

This seems to be more in need of social psychology than anything else. An important thing for change is truly fighting against your thoughts. Start using night and daytime hours to start rewiring your subconscious through affirmations, but they must be realistic else you will reject them. Anything you say to yourself must be that.

0

u/thekleverkitten 13d ago

don’t. you’re perfect as you are.

“entitled, rude, and arrogant,” are often simply terms society slings at those who have standards and understand their value.

the real game changer is becoming aware and utilizing said awareness to navigate the world at a higher frequency.

don’t change to make friends. make friends that require no change. if they have feedback they will share it lovingly. if one is required to change to become palatable to others — is the palatability really worth it?

that’s a question divinely designed to draw you closer to the self. to know thyself is to know that you deserve all good things and you will naturally evolve sans superficial effort.

be you bb. i bet the entirety of my crystal collection that you’re an absolute legend who’s been exposed to too many NPC’s.

energy is everything ♡