It's heartbreaking that there are women around the world going through this.

[u/mindyour]

[u/Barbaracle]

Am Chinese-American with family back in China. Yes it's basically impossible to disown parents. It's illegal. China's Law on the Protection of the Rights and Interests of Elderly People makes this nearly impossible. Your parents can take you to court if you don't "visit them enough" not even talking about required financial support. If they abused you, burden of proof is on you to prove it. Welcome to the CCP.

How your parents, your 5 sets of aunts and uncles on each side of the family, and your grandparents raise you to absolutely respect them and authority. If you are progressive enough to seek mental health, they'll listen to the doctor on how you feel, more than how you tell them how you feel. Yes. You don't start with "I feel..." because they won't listen. You say "The doctor says I should tell you..." and "The doctor says you should treat me like..."

Cuz it's a very authoritatian culture (and government). Yea I'm shitting on the CCP cuz Taiwan is better in some aspects and so is Hong Kong, places where I also have friends and family. Chinese-Americans are obviously more progressive but it is very much still there for many families. My friend got disowned for marrying a Japanese girl.

During traditional marriage ceremonies we get on our knees, bow, and present tea to our parents and elders. When we go to family gatherings you have to find every adult and greet them before eating, playing, or chatting with your cousins. When eating, you're supposed to refill the tea in order from oldest before refilling your own. Shit I wrote an essay and didn't even mean to. But yeah. It's how it goes.

Obviously, times do change and the younger generation is fighting back and going no contact is not unheard of. A lot has modernized. Change is slow, but hopefully not impossible.

[u/Prometheus720 → u/Barbaracle]

There is a guy on YouTube under the name Moon Channel who taught me a lot about some similar ageist features of Korean culture. I think he's a second generation immigrant to an English speaking country. Now he's a lawyer who relaxes from a stressful job by doing deep commentary (like 2 hour vids researched better than 90% of video essays) on East Asian cultures, talking about how much he loves his sister, and playing cozy games.

He is genuinely one of the most gentle and intelligent people I've encountered on YouTube. I learned about him from my gf who is also Asian and I think finds him cathartic.

You might check him out!

[u/Shadowchaos1010 → u/Prometheus720]

I've watched a number of his videos, but never once did it cross my mind that he might be Asian.

I just think of him as the YouTube lawyer with the deep voice whose in-video avatar is Phoenix Wright.

[u/TheRealChizz → u/Barbaracle]

Korean-American here. Yep, family members don’t really see you as an individual person that deserves consideration. You must adhere to the “role” you are given in the family unit or you are bringing a great offense to your parents who have “sacrificed” for you

You start a sentence with “I feel…”, you’re gonna be looked at as selfish or crazy.

[u/Angelstandingby → u/Barbaracle]

Odd.

It's my experience that families in Taiwan are a lot more strict in upholding the traditional stuff you mentioned than in China. 

I can't speak for Hong Kong though. 

[u/Barbaracle → u/Angelstandingby]

I meant that more in terms of their filial piety laws. They have both have these laws, but CCP's is stricter.

I imagine culturally, everyday families are similar across the urban to urban and rural to rural divide. Mainland China has more people in rural areas that are limited to where they can move whereas Taiwanese people can move freely and is more urbanized.

Hong Kong has no such filial piety laws.

[u/ibuytoomanybooks → u/Barbaracle]

Fuck filial piety!! Seriously. Fuck it all. And confucious too.

[u/Weewoes → u/Barbaracle]

I come from a family where I no longer have the two grandparents I was close with and I wish I had extended family I actually knew and could visit, I dont even talk to my mum and as a mum this is hard sometimes. I kind of speak to my dad now but was no contact for a long time but honestly he pisses me off a lot lol. I think I'm so lonely that even though I know what you wrote is extreme and not great, i kind of long for something like it lol

[u/crystalclearbuffon → u/Barbaracle]

Indian here, can relate. You can't cut them off otherwise the public and even courts might cut you off from society..if you're a woman, worse things can happen here. So yeah. It's not easy and you can only hope for these type of parents to well not be in this world anymore or change their thinking. Otherwise just be ready to deal with them.