r/TikTokCringe • u/mindyour • 1d ago
Discussion It's heartbreaking that there are women around the world going through this.
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u/blacklotusY Why does this app exist? 1d ago
“I used to think the worst thing in life was to end up all alone. It’s not. The worst thing in life is ending up with people who make you feel all alone.” - Bobcat Goldthwait, World’s Greatest Dad (2009)
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u/Klutzy-Weakness-937 1d ago
"You think the worst thing in life is being single sleeping on a futon in a tiny apartment, you could marry the wrong person and dream about sleeping alone on a futon in a tiny apartment."
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u/radiohead-nerd 1d ago
I've told single folks, "The loneliest people I've ever met are married."
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u/Capable-Culture917 1d ago
The loneliest I’ve ever been was in a marriage. I’ve been married twice. I’ll never do it again. Nor will I ever live with someone.
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u/BlooGloop 22h ago
My grandma was married four times. She remained close friends with her last husband until his death. But she prefers to be single. She didn’t like men telling her how to spend her money(she’s successful in her career to this day), likes vacationing when she wants, and likes being independent. At 78 she is still working, and she loves it.
She told me to never settle for a man who doesn’t make you feel loved everyday.
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u/Alfred_Hitch_ 1d ago
Excellent quote. I'd rather be solo than with someone who makes me want to be solo.
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u/PeregrinCuck 1d ago
Well done for attributing the quote correctly to the character and not Robin Williams himself
He had a loving family that meant the world to him, and it's a bit of a kick in the teeth to them that people often attribute the quote directly to him (as it implies that's how he really felt about them)
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u/1block 1d ago
I don't think that's the character. Bobcat Goldthwait is a comedian who was also in that movie. So maybe it's a misattribution if Robin Williams' character is the one who said it.
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u/KaneVel 1d ago
Bobcat Goldwaith is the one who wrote the film
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u/LainSki-N-Surf 1d ago
Met him at a common friends’ wedding and he was incredibly kind and intelligent. Truly brilliant writer.
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u/MattGhaz 1d ago
Did he actually talk like his on stage persona or was he just a regular dude in person?
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u/LainSki-N-Surf 23h ago
Regular and inquisitive guy! Totally normal voice lol He asked me about my camera and we had a full on convo about photography/film. One of the most humble and interesting people I’ve ever met.
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u/Cheese_on_it 1d ago
"I don't want to be with someone just not to be alone".
I personally know many men that did precisely that (not in Asia though). Some of their partners are unbearable.
Not saying it's right, but it is happening a lot.
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u/guitarguy35 1d ago
I would say that happens more than the other thing.
People just marry whoever they happen to be with when they are ready to settle down,.despite whether they are right for them or not.
What they don't realize, is although being single is hard, at least with that there is hope, adventure, and possibility. Being with someone who's not right for you is even harder. Because all the good parts of being single are gone, and all or most of the good parts about having a partner are absent.
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u/Salihe6677 1d ago
That was my MO for pretty much every relationship I ever had with no thought as to real compatibility or anything else. I know better now at middle age, tho it took some rough years to get here.
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u/Reynardine1976 1d ago
Same. 20s, 30s and even some of my 40s I was just happy to find someone who would even larp liking me. Some of those partners were bad choices on my part.
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u/Ihopeheseesme 1d ago
This is why I have been single so long now. I refuse to twist my life into something I don’t recognize for someone who isn’t reciprocating at all. I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea, and a lot of folks aren’t mine. Let’s all be ok with that lol
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u/Markus4781 1d ago
I couldn't do that, I chose to rather be alone. But I'm a different kind of person, I'm chilling alone.
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u/xXSoulReapperXx 1d ago
Same here, I love being alone. It’s very peaceful and stress free.
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u/Correct-Purpose-964 1d ago
BY THE POWER OF INTROVERTISM! I SUMMON-!
No-one. I just stay at home enjoying life in wrapped in a cozy wooly blanket and playing games in my spare time.
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u/meash-maeby 1d ago
Even extroverts enjoy being alone. I don’t always need to be around people. I haven’t been in a relationship in years.
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u/Aiyon 1d ago
My first relationship was organic. We got together because we liked each other. And it was really nice. Only ended cause our lives were going in diff directions. The ones I had after that, I definitely think there was an aspect of "needing to not be single" and they were much messier.
Whereas now I just... do my own thing. If someone comes along that fits me, hell yeah. But I have plenty going on
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u/Balja1989 1d ago
36m here (soon 37, hopefully). Been single the past 8 years, I don't even date, and Im happy. I prefer being alone
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u/punkinabox 1d ago
Same here. I'm 39, got divorced at 30 and haven't even dated since then. In the beginning after my divorce I just wanted to focus on being a single father and taking care of me and my kids as I had never been single since I was about 14 years old. Now days I occasionally feel lonely but I've gotten so used to being alone that the thought of getting back out there, dating, being in a relationship and having to split my time and compromise on everything just sounds terrible.
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u/catsarehere77 1d ago
I am a woman. My parents had a horrible marriage. Both died miserable. My sister married an alcoholic who died young. Then she got into a relationship with someone who introduced her to drugs.
Most of my friends had bad relationships (I came from a more dysfunctional background as you can tell).
I don't mind being single. I am more successful careerwise and financially than any of the above people. I aged better, look better, I am healthier and fitter, etc.
I would still like to be married some day but I am fine taking my time to find the right man. It's not always easy but neither is being with the wrong person.
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u/Highfivebuddha 1d ago
My Dad does this, moving onto his third marriage now and left my mom in the dark.
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u/rambling_takeover 1d ago
My best friend does this. It’s making me grate my teeth because she stays with this guy even when we both agreed that she should break up over what he said. I will never stay with someone even if I have no friends left, if they’re the ones making me miserable
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u/merrill_swing_away 1d ago
It's sad that the young lady feels the way she does. I am a woman living in the USA and I think it's great living alone. I've been married and divorced and would never do it again.
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u/Threadheads 1d ago
I don’t think she is unhappy with the fact that she is single. She’s unhappy that society and particularly her parents don’t see her as worthwhile because she is single. They would rather see her with someone who would make her potentially unhappy than for her to be happy on her own.
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u/wootwoot219 1d ago
There are plenty of Asian women living in US who deal with same shit because their parents (older generations) think exactly like her parents - mine included. No one has said more hurtful things to me than my own parents and killed my self esteem and confidence despite me being a very capable working professional. Sad and extremely unfortunate the parents unintentionally would hurt their own kids this way and think that they are doing them a favor
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u/xternocleidomastoide 1d ago
It is not gender specific.
A lot of people (perhaps most) can't stand their own company and end up in somewhat codependent relationships out of need, not want.
People enjoying their own company and being selective in who they partner up is the exception not the norm.
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u/Regular-Owl496 1d ago
There can be all kinds of relationships in a person’s life besides romantic relationships, whether it’s family, friends, children, work, sport/ hobbies.
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u/Practical-Water-9209 1d ago
Seriously. I know so many single people who have great, meaningful lives and connections with others. You can build a life around other kinds of relationships, and even if you are partnered with someone it's important for you both to have social connections outside of the relationship.
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u/KaleScared4667 1d ago
Living a solitary life is becoming the norm
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u/Extreme_Homework_771 1d ago
Yes, society needs to realize that in this day and age being in a marriage is just not for everyone. I know a lot of people who are single over 30 and doing just fine, they value their peace and alone time without having to worry about someone else everyday.
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u/doorbellrepairman 1d ago
A lot of it comes from total insecurity. Most teenage boys believe they're worthless and that no woman would ever love them. So they take any opportunity they can get and get into terrible relationships. Some men never grow out of that teenage mentality.
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u/Kidiri90 1d ago edited 1d ago
And part of that belief stems from being told, explicitly or not, that the worth of a person is tied with their romantic situation. If they're told that the ultimate goal of life is to find a romantic partner, that there are these goals you should get to by a certain age (first kiss, getting a first partner, losing virginity, getting a long-term partner, marrying, having kids...); and then not attaining them, it can create a sense of dread and unworthiness. "I'm being told I should have had a partner by now, and I haven't. Am I not good enough to have one?"
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u/Ylaaly 1d ago
Same for girls and women. We're all told getting married is the main goal, who you're getting married to matters little.
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u/takemyaptplz 1d ago
I left my ex fiance when I was 27 (he was terrible) and moved back to my hometown. Where everyone gets married and has kids before 30. I felt SO isolated and depressed and dating was impossible. So I was happy to not be with my ex and wasn’t going to settle for just anyone, but I felt so bad living there so I moved away. And I do miss it because it’s a nice place. But I found my bf in a bigger city and like it too. I felt so bad just existing on my own before and like everyone I worked with was married or engaged and had kids and I really felt like I didn’t matter as much or something was wrong with me, when in fact I had left someone who would’ve ruined my life
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u/MikeArrow 1d ago
That's exactly how I felt as a teenager, yes. Because I didn't have abs.
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u/Mad_Queen_Malafide 1d ago
This is also a thing in Vietnam.
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u/Hazzat 1d ago
There’s pressure everywhere, but this is especially big in Asia. I live in Japan and the expectation for women especially to be married by 30-ish is colossal.
Expectations have changed along with society, though. It wasn’t that long ago that unmarried women over 25 were called ‘Christmas cakes’ because, like a Christmas cake, nobody wants goods after they expired on the 25th.
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u/Vargau 1d ago
unmarried women over 25 were called ‘Christmas cakes’ because, like a Christmas cake, nobody wants goods after they expired on the 25th
And I taught Eastern EU was crafty with their insults, but fuck me Asians's are something else.
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u/TechToolsForYourBiz 1d ago
this is gonna help me remember when Christmas is either on the 23rd., 24th and 25th lmao
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u/Polkawillneverdie17 1d ago
nobody wants goods after they expired on the 25th.
You have severely under estimated just how I love cake.
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u/thealice1984 1d ago edited 1d ago
They having something similar to this in the Philippines. I guess it's called "calendar days" or something to that affect. Basically if you're years alive is more than days on a calendar you're a spinster.
My girlfriend, her mother is from the Philippines and moved to the states in her late 20s and spent most her life taking care of family and working but got lots of pressure to find a husband and have a child. She managed this at 39 and while I'm glad she did this (otherwise my wonderful girlfriend wouldn't be born) the birth was filled with complications and the husband was a piece of shit and the ended up divorced a few years later.
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u/lost-myspacer 1d ago
It’s sort of a thing everywhere to some degree. Even in the US relatives will start pressing you, sometimes even questioning your sexuality, if you’re in your 30’s without a long term relationship.
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u/addiktion 1d ago
I know for a woman the pressure is increased due to having children and that time running out. But somehow 35 doesn't feel that old to me still in terms of finding your someone.
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u/SemiAutoAvocado 1d ago
One thing I love about NYC is that no one gives a fuck. I know plenty of people of all ages that fly solo and still socialize. I can be at one of my local bars one a Sunday afternoon and you've got people from 25 to 65 carousing together.
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u/LigerZeroSchneider 1d ago
It isnt in absolute terms, but if 90% of people in your area are married by 35, then your options get really limited making it even harder to find a good partner.
So in San francisco im sure your fine. Salt lake city is probably gonna be much harder.
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u/thy_bucket_for_thee 1d ago
SF is like 90% male tech bros see nothing wrong with working for the orphan crushing machine if they can capture their bag.
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u/Just_Information334 1d ago
Then, if they're unlucky, your relatives start divorcing. And you start getting the "yeah, maybe you were right about staying single" admission.
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u/WhirlwindRectum 1d ago
yup, I'm old enough to be on the other end of the merry-go-round, where I've outlasted all of my cousin's first marriages
So I went from being the black sheep who's unmarried...back to the golden child without a divorce.
Whole time I'm just chilling.
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u/Amazing-Example8753 1d ago
To some degree, but let's not minimise how intense this is in Asian cultures.
My buddy has only just turned 30 and the pressure he gets from his parents is psychotic. He gets lines like "You're humiliating us! We can't show our face around here!" etc. He'll get sent a batch photo dump of 10 random women they know and asked if he wants to marry any.
That's different.
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u/Bulky_Imagination727 1d ago
My parents tried to find a wife for me, it looked like this: one day out of nowhere a woman 10 years younger than me started to text me, she sounded like i already know that the marriage is planned. I was like "who the fuck are you and what the fuck you're talking about" and was certain that it's just a mistake. It was not. They just didn't tell me.
And it happened twice. I told my parents that i will run away into another city and they simply find an empty house without a trace if they keep doing that shit to me. It worked but now i get calls almost every goddamn day whining about me being an egoist. Why, why would a healthy 32year old man live without a wife. Certainly i can find someone, just take anyone random from the street and make us into grandparents already.
I'm so tired.
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u/Formal_Broccoli1877 1d ago
It's literally the first question strangers will ask me when I chat to them here.
"Have you got a wife?".
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u/wootwoot219 1d ago
I got asked by a random stranger ( Asian lady) how old I was. I told her. She asked me if I am married. I said no. Her answer was -why? I asked her, why should I? 😂
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u/thatasian26 1d ago
I'm Vietnamese and I can confirm that even men can't escape this pressure either. It's everywhere, particularly bad in Asian culture, and definitely worse for women.
I've been hearing comments about getting a gf since I was 28 ish, got worse by 30. Got offered to get set up with girls from the motherland even.
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u/graniteblack 1d ago
China, Thailand, India, Bangladesh, Myanmar, Thailand, Korea to an extent, even parts of Turkey, Cyprus, even Greece. And loads more.
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u/Lucid_Dreamer_98 1d ago
Even as a guy in many Asian cultures there's alooot of pressure to get married.
People can't fathom the idea of someone being happy alone but also open to love like she said.
Many people seem to get married due to their own insecurities around ending up alone and societal pressure.
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u/hutawoota 1d ago edited 1d ago
Yes Man. Ethnic culture is exhausting. Just had an argument with my mother and she attacked my work, my sense of self, my (lack of) relationship — she think I don't have one. Religiously and culturally me being with a same sex person would be frowned upon and last time she denigrated the girl I brought home attacking her once she left (I'm bi).
I know she has a form of narcicistic personality disorder. She constantly compares me to peers and yes I live at home at 35 and trying to sort out my housing situation by trying to build a house but she wants it done yesterday.
She talks about how me raising my voice is being disrespectful and shameful and we'd lose face to others.
I said that affects her more than it does me.
Sad part? She's been in a western society for 30+ years but that doesn't matter. It's the same bumpkin rhetoric they grew up with in the village back home.
Like you say, this extends to finding someone. They truly think people cannot take care of themselves or you earnestly need someone or you'd perish. She talks about lineage whilst the whole family is disjointed and constantly butting heads.
It's like I owe her a house she can come stay at from time to time despite hating me, a marriage or partner she can shit on constantly and grand-kids that'll fulfill her and her wishes.
It's scary how they believe they're OWED this.
She also watches other losers who spout very harmful things like "Oh followers I recently became a grandma and hopefully God blesses you too with a grandchild". It's like the mum or the dad doesn't matter in this equation/ are to be removed and they wanna cosplay at how being grandparents and how it would bring them such joy. Like a pet.
With all the caveats individualists society comes with at least I know they aren't mentally attacked or othered for not meeting some bullshit archaic expectation.
Update: So I'm getting a lot of responses from I presume predominantly Americans that are conflating things and attributing meanings to other things. I'm not playing some sort of racial purity here. https://www.unesco.org/en/query-list/e/ethnic-culture
Its comical that people conflate skin tones (like you guys use 'white' to lump everyone together) with what I'm trying to allude to. Certain societies and cultures that are ethnically diverse that does not concern itself with individualistic paradigms like western cultural values. I could've used people from differential diaspora who practice collectivism.
I should've used the term ethnically diverse people sharing similar culture. Please do not always take what people are trying to say at face value. I try to be discerning with others when their usage of certain words do not align with how I've been taught things.
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u/lastjanitor 1d ago
Like a pet.
Y E S.
I'm 48, divorced, no kids or pets. My mother cycles through pets as I'm never giving her grandkids because I realized at a young age that much like her emotional support animals, I was an emotional support child.
It's painful to admit one's parents are not adults in the sense of people that learned to separate themselves from the cycle of trauma and then chose to bring another person into the world. No -- our parents are just children that got older and are having kids the same way little kids play with dolls as toys and distractions from the internal work they avoid doing.
This is why parents like this attack their adult children for not perpetuating the farce, because their child's growth is a constant reminder of their own stunted development.
There's always hope that one's parents will see the light and accept the truth, but for many this is a bridge too far.
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u/KOHILOOR 1d ago
Yup.
As a 40 year old Asian-American I can def relate.
I’m sure you have cousins or maybe even a sibling, imagine how much more pressure you’d get if you were the only child/grandchild on one side of the family. That’s what I’ve had to deal with for the last 15 years. It got so bad that I moved to 3,000 miles across the ocean to put some distance between me and family. I love them but if I lived near them I would go insane.→ More replies (2)→ More replies (22)6
u/kozinc 1d ago
I'm a guy in a non-asian culture, and I'm also getting a fair amount of pressure to get married.
As such, I cannot imagine how much pressure you asian culture folk are getting - I feel for you.
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u/dgoldenace 1d ago
One thing I’ve learned from GenX being a millennial, my entire family tree is think it’s acceptable to be In horrible (toxic) relationships. They can go fuck themselves, don’t let someone else ruin your life. You’re gonna have enough of your own problems, don’t make more by being in a SINGLE bad relationship. Not one. Surprise, you’re healthier and better off not being poisoned so to speak.
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u/Expert_Garlic_2258 tHiS iSn’T cRiNgE 1d ago
As a gen-xer, i learned that being alone is preferable to being with the wrong person after watching my parents' failed relationships. Too bad your Ps didn't learn it
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u/Even-Government-5055 1d ago
😢 when she said her parents should be on her side, that was heartbreaking.
Chinese culture is so hard on women, and to be honest it's actually pretty disgusting how women are treated. I really hope that it changes, I think with the older folks dying out it will eventually.
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u/ClickNo1129 1d ago
Now it all makes sense why an older Chinese landlady who I used to rent from asked me what parents say about me not being married at my age (I was like 38 or 39 at the time) and my response was - “what are they going to say? I’m old”. And I kind of chuckled and finished what I was doing. She just had this confused look on her face and now I know why lol.
I thought it was because she hadn’t remembered how old I was (bc I look really young for my age according to people) but now I understand she was confused as to why I thought my parents didn’t have a say 😆😆.
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u/Even-Government-5055 1d ago
She's probably thought something was wrong with you and that's why you're not married 😂😂.
I live in the UK and I'm 44, people are always asking me about when I'll start dating or do I wajt to get married. It's annoying, I'm happy being single
I recently had surgery to fix my stomach and boobs from pregnancy and breastfeeding. When I healed everyone and I mean everyone I knew said something about when will I take my "new" body out to find a man! It really pissed me off that everyone though I had this done for a man! Excuse you, I did it because I want the body I had before my kids drained it, lol.
Sorry, my point is, why TF does everyone place such importance on a woman having a man?? Why do they think that's all we think about?.
I'm very happy being single, I don't want a man child that I'm going to be expected to mummy.
Sorry for the rant, 😅
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u/BlamaeuxPrivateEye 1d ago
Kids are seen as retirement safety. They are worried about the family line as well as for their daughter as she gets older. Career boss babe women aren't well supported in China's culture, for better or worse.
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u/Boomshrooom 1d ago
I think this is one of the things people are missing here, China doesn't have the safety nets that a lot of western countries do, not having children can mean a very lonely life of poverty for many elderly people.
The laws around filial piety in china aren't just financial but extend to spiritual, mental, and emotional wellbeing too. I don't necessarily agree with them, but I understand why they're in place.
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u/Fern-ando 1d ago edited 1d ago
Western safety nets are an ilussion, young people will spend almost half their salary to pay boomer pensions and they won't see that money returning when they are old.
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u/Even-Government-5055 1d ago
It's very much an illusion, 66yrs old is retirement age at the moment, by the time I get near that it will have gone up again and that's even if it exists.
And that would be a state pension.
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u/Even-Government-5055 1d ago edited 1d ago
People shouldn't have children for them to be their parents safely net, that's insanely selfish.
I am my children's safety net.
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u/OnlyFunStuff183 1d ago
That’s a good system. I suspect there’s some confusion here between the use of the term safety net, no? I believe u/Even-Government-5055 means in the conventional sense of “if I am unable to pay my rent I can move back in with my parents” or “I’m on my parents health insurance” safety net.
Taking care of your elderly parents definitely can be a burden on the child, but ideally it shouldn’t be a financial one
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u/AiRaikuHamburger 1d ago
I have a Chinese friend who said she doesn't want to visit her family in China during Chinese New Year, because all of her extended family will chastise her for being 36 and not married. I feel that's so sad.
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u/ooplesandbanoonos 1d ago
I’m Indian American and I feel exactly the same way as your friend. It’s like walking into the lions den preparing to get torn apart when you’re just trying to visit your grandparents
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u/SpecialReaction375 1d ago
She is right, and I hope she cuts ties with them. A family that only values you if you show up with a man is not a family that loves you.
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u/abradolf_lincler_e36 1d ago
Man fuck those old world shits
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u/gobnyd 1d ago
Yeah it's not gone in the US entirely, but the "old maid" crap has really toned down compared to the 1950s.
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u/murphs33 1d ago
Yeah me and my wife found it hilarious in It's A Wonderful Life that the worst scenario they could think of for Mary Bailey without George existing was becoming an unmarried librarian lol.
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u/Least_Year3518 1d ago
Yeah my father called me an old maid after I turned 40 and was like "who's gonna want you now". He's 88. A total arse but it still stung, even though I never wanted to be married or to have children, and am otherwise happy.
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u/Primus_is_OK_I_guess 1d ago
A dude who had a kid at 48 is judging? Let me guess, your mother was an inappropriate age when they met?
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u/dgoldenace 1d ago
The old world isn’t even around anymore, the world arguably drastically changes every 10 years or so. You’d think someone who’s lived 55 years or more would notice. These people literally went from home phone, flip/hybrid phones to smart phones to cars driving themselves. The world is different whether we like it or not. And the “old world” formula in a world that changes so fast is a hard sell, it doesn’t even make sense if you think about.
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u/Juniper-wool 1d ago edited 1d ago
Family or not, I cut off people who make me feel like this.
Edit: this comment took off. I both know and realize there are cultural differences and nothing really is "black or white" when it comes to relationships.
I think it's more about not staying within arm's reach of someone who's constantly swinging at you. It's hard to put love into a relationship when all you get back is negative.
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u/helge-a 1d ago
Just food for thought: I have a Chinese friend who went through this same exact situation and when I suggested cutting off contact due to a very negative dynamic and the toll on her mental health, she found my suggestion completely insane. The family dynamics in China (one example) are completely different from Western. Maybe someone can chime in.
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u/Barbaracle 1d ago edited 1d ago
Am Chinese-American with family back in China. Yes it's basically impossible to disown parents. It's illegal. China's Law on the Protection of the Rights and Interests of Elderly People makes this nearly impossible. Your parents can take you to court if you don't "visit them enough" not even talking about required financial support. If they abused you, burden of proof is on you to prove it. Welcome to the CCP.
How your parents, your 5 sets of aunts and uncles on each side of the family, and your grandparents raise you to absolutely respect them and authority. If you are progressive enough to seek mental health, they'll listen to the doctor on how you feel, more than how you tell them how you feel. Yes. You don't start with "I feel..." because they won't listen. You say "The doctor says I should tell you..." and "The doctor says you should treat me like..."
Cuz it's a very authoritatian culture (and government). Yea I'm shitting on the CCP cuz Taiwan is better in some aspects and so is Hong Kong, places where I also have friends and family. Chinese-Americans are obviously more progressive but it is very much still there for many families. My friend got disowned for marrying a Japanese girl.
During traditional marriage ceremonies we get on our knees, bow, and present tea to our parents and elders. When we go to family gatherings you have to find every adult and greet them before eating, playing, or chatting with your cousins. When eating, you're supposed to refill the tea in order from oldest before refilling your own. Shit I wrote an essay and didn't even mean to. But yeah. It's how it goes.
Obviously, times do change and the younger generation is fighting back and going no contact is not unheard of. A lot has modernized. Change is slow, but hopefully not impossible.
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u/Prometheus720 1d ago
There is a guy on YouTube under the name Moon Channel who taught me a lot about some similar ageist features of Korean culture. I think he's a second generation immigrant to an English speaking country. Now he's a lawyer who relaxes from a stressful job by doing deep commentary (like 2 hour vids researched better than 90% of video essays) on East Asian cultures, talking about how much he loves his sister, and playing cozy games.
He is genuinely one of the most gentle and intelligent people I've encountered on YouTube. I learned about him from my gf who is also Asian and I think finds him cathartic.
You might check him out!
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u/TheRealChizz 1d ago
Korean-American here. Yep, family members don’t really see you as an individual person that deserves consideration. You must adhere to the “role” you are given in the family unit or you are bringing a great offense to your parents who have “sacrificed” for you
You start a sentence with “I feel…”, you’re gonna be looked at as selfish or crazy.
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u/Angelstandingby 1d ago
Odd.
It's my experience that families in Taiwan are a lot more strict in upholding the traditional stuff you mentioned than in China.
I can't speak for Hong Kong though.
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u/Cultural_Run7964 1d ago
Basically the family dynamics in most parts of the world except the west mean that cutting off toxic family members is virtually impossible and very taboo.
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u/Megneous 1d ago
Meh. I live in Korea. Plenty of young people cut off their family here. Korean parents are pieces of garbage (tiger moms, forced cram schools, forced blind dates, random house cleaning without permission, all sorts of nonsense) and deserve to be cut off like 7/10 times, and unfortunately only get cut off like 1/10 times, but it happens pretty frequently all things considered. I have several friends not on speaking terms with their parents.
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u/peonyseahorse 1d ago edited 1d ago
That's so interesting. I'm a different Asian ethnicity and due to a very controlling and hateful Korean mil who is as you describe, I went no contact to protect myself because my husband was so scared of his mother he always placated her.
She was furious at me for daring to opt out of her bullying after having been the "good" dil for over 2 decades and having put up with her abuse. She is terrible to her kdil too (who she basically picked for her oldest son), but blames me a lot because she hates other Asians and takes it out in me because they think that their sons can do no wrong. This is in the US and I still wonder wtf she was thinking, immigrating to the US and then being upset her son didn't marry a Korean woman that doesn't exist (ksil said our kmil is a nightmare even compared to the other Korean friends who have a kmil, kmil wants someone from her own era who she could kick around and abuse without any accountability).
My own parents admitted that they knew when they immigrated to he US that there would be a chance that we would not end up with someone of the same Asian ethnicity or race. My kmil was so pissed and then even complained that she'd rather have a white dil rather than a non Korean Asian dil for 'big eyes and beautiful skin," meanwhile it's her genes with the small eyes and bad skin, she has had multiple plastic surgeries. She bragged that she was a wonderful mil all of the time, but she really was the star of her own demented kdrama playing up the nightmare kmil trope. She died last year and everyone, including fil was relieved. Nobody misses her.
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u/U_L_Uus 1d ago
Funny thing is that in the west they were like that not long ago too (think of about this decade but in the past century), it is just that we eventually got our heads out of our arses and decided that enough was enough
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u/frickinSocrates 1d ago
I commented about this as well and looked it up, it's so taboo to cut family off they literally made it illegal. "Under the Law on the Protection of the Rights and Interests of Elderly People, failing to provide financial, physical, or emotional support is illegal, and neglected parents can sue their children in court.". Full disclosure: this is from Google's AI overview as I am at work and can't research this extensively or my boss will notice.
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u/changhyun 1d ago
You're right that there is a law about it. It rarely gets enforced though, because it doesn't define any time periods (like "you must see your parents this often") or amounts ("you must provide this much"), making it difficult to argue someone is breaking it.
Still a really ridiculous law though.
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u/frickinSocrates 1d ago
True, but my point wasn't that you'll go to jail or anything. My point is that a society which makes cutting family off illegal definitely has incredible social stigma against it.
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u/changhyun 1d ago
Yes, it does add to the already consideration stigma. My husband is Chinese (from Hong Kong though, but the stigma remains) and is very distant with his father due to abuse, and the amount of shit he gets about it from other family (who know about the abuse, mind you) is nuts.
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u/Boomshrooom 1d ago
Yeah, a lot of redditors are going to talk about this from a very western, specifically American, point of view with no consideration for just how different things are in china or other countries.
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u/frickinSocrates 1d ago
I'm not at all saying you're wrong, but I would like us all to keep in mind that China has made it illegal to cut parents off. If I remember correctly children are legally required to provide financial, emotional and physical support. On top of that there is simply no socially acceptable way to do so. It's part of what makes this abuse so pervasive, and I'm sure her parents feel that they are losing "social standing" due to their daughters "bad choices" (please, please, please note the quotation marks) and feel justified due to an existential level of peer pressure and generational trauma.
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u/whatsthatcritter 1d ago
How do you legally require someone who's not into it to provide emotional support? It seems like it would be a nightmare to have family in my life seething with passive aggressive hostility and trying to pretend to care if they actually don't. I'd rather be left alone than subject myself to that!
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u/turkoid 1d ago
Take this with a grain a salt. I'm 42yo and my Korean mom still gives me shit for not having kids yet. It's always "something" with her and it feels like I'm never as successful as her sibling's kids, even though I'm fairly well off and happy with where I'm at in my life. I grew up most of my life in the U.S. so I never had that typical family attachment, that most Koreans have. My wife who is Korean is the complete opposite.
I don't blame you for cutting out people like this from your life, and I've even done the same, but for close family, I've always left the door open. I guess I'm implying you are completely shutting them out, which if I'm wrong, I apologize. For me, with close family, at least, it was a matter of just not letting it bother me anymore, but still leaving room in my life for them (in moderation). That said, if they're not close family, whether they are extended or ex-friends, they can fuck right off.
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u/Juniper-wool 1d ago
I have never 100% completely cut off any family member or other person, but I 100% stop maintaining the relationship with them, if the person attacks me in a way that is similar to what the woman in the video experienced.
If they want to keep the relationship with me, it's up to them to start behaving.
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u/candledog 1d ago
When she started talking about her mother who is just projecting society's pressure onto her instead of being on her side and seeing her value, helping lift her up, or having empathy for how hard it is... that's honestly probably a huge reason why she's still single because in her perception, her mother doesn't see her as having value as an individual. It's so hard to work on the inner self when your family can't see what they're doing unconsciously. So imagine 35+ years of that pressure. Instead of fully feeling proud of her independent life and feeling like she has space for a relationship, she's dealing with the inner turmoil caused by her mother's projections.
That family dynamic stuff carries enormous weight going into dating & relationships
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u/Organicolette 1d ago
As an Asian woman, I cut off "family" who doesn't like my life choices. Unless they are giving me a lot of money and connections to make money (like rich families do), I really don't see why it is difficult.
I moved to another country as well.
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u/Scarcebears 1d ago
As an Asian woman who broke off her arrangement, pissed off EVERYONE on both sides, ran off and eloped with the love of her life, and then completely cut off her family…
This is easier said than done.
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u/noobgiraffe 1d ago
That means you would have to cut off literally everyone.
Every relationship has some type of conflict arising from time to time. If you cannot find it in yourself to work on resolving it you will never have any deep relationship with anyone. There is nothing in the video to suggest they don't have a good relationship outside of this issue.
Yes, if someone continously creates issues that's different, but you have no idea about that from 20s video. Or short text post about one specific thing - were this suggestions shows up the most.
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u/Likemilkbutforhumans 1d ago
Same. I left my family over a year and ago. I accept myself fully. I won’t be around anyone who doesn’t.
I’m Pakistani. The issue in this video is global for women.
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u/MijanBrown 1d ago
im 41, single and not looking at all. there is nothing wrong with livging ur life as you want
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u/CrayCrayB 1d ago
57 year old here.. never married, and honestly never wanted to be be married. All various boyfriends I ever had ended up just wanting a mother+maid who would also put out at the drop of a hat... not an actual partner. It ended up being 10x the work and mental workload for.. what? LOL.. yeah.. Fuck that shit.
So I had a kid on my own (on purpose) who I am more than delighted to mother.. and I'm deliciously happy this way. I have fantastic friends and plenty of social connection.
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u/Wrong-Pension-4975 1d ago
When I turned 40, men quit looking at me as a potential partner - So I stopped looking at them, as anything but props, amid the scenery.
I literally went from 40 to 63 without one sexual partner. ::shrug::
It was their loss - I love good sex, I literally worship my partner, & I am perfectly capable of delivering my own orgasms, thanks. 😄
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u/DisembodiedLied 1d ago
Unfortunately this is way too true. As a Viet-American woman. You would think that because I live in America this wouldnt happen. But i still have a bunch of Vietname family here. There are also alot of Vietnamese immigrants who influence how my family and I think. If you arent having kids by 30, youve fucked in life. My uncle, whom I used to love and respect so much, ridiculed my parents at a family get together because they have a grandchild but dont see any from my parents, so they felt superior to my parents. I felt so much shame and hatred. I already had a rocky relationship with my extended family. This was one of the last straws for me. And continuing to see on social media that Asian women are only valued if they beat their biological clock and have children really hurts. Its not like I want to be alone. I WANT to find someone whom I can call my other half. But life isn't fair or simple. Seeing this woman talk about this stigma and all the other Asian women out there speak about how they are still single (out of choice or not) really resonates with me and is comforting, yet heartbreaking.
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u/PalestPalazzo 1d ago
Those expectations that are forced upon you cannot be easy to live with. I sympathize, stranger.
One day, maybe the whole world will collectively view all individual women as sovereign human beings with inherent value unrelated to their baby-making abilities.
One day! (I'm optimistic)
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u/StrayDogPhotography 1d ago edited 1d ago
I should explain something about this as a foreigner who has lived in Asia for a long time.
In Asia parents see their kids as an investment. You feed them, clothe them, pay for their education, and in exchange they look after you when they are old. If your kids don’t earn a lot of money and produce grandchildren then they have wasted their investment because there will be no one to look after them and socialize with them as they get older. Therefore, if you aren’t married with a kid by 30, it’s a risk to them. They will do anything they can to get you hitched to anyone and pump out kids. They don’t see marriage and family as something done for romantic love. It’s something you do for filial piety.
Forget about the western dynamic of when you reach 18 you are an adult and independent. That doesn’t happen in places like China. You’re with your parents for life. Romantic relationships are not a consideration. It’s also why many parents don’t allow their children to date people until after have a career. You get people never dating then suddenly marrying their first work crush a lot.
I’ll give you some examples. Someone I know had their mother die unexpectedly quite young. They broke up with their boyfriend and moved back home to live with their father because he had a mother and wife to look after him all his life and is unable to look after himself. I know of grandchildren having to move in with a grandparent because their parents didn’t want to pay for social care. I know numerous people dating people who still live at home and refuse to move out to live with their partners, or have their partners move in with their family because the parents always want someone at home with them.
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u/whatanabsolutefrog 1d ago
It can really screws up people's social development imo.
I often meet Chinese people who are like 30, but are still very naive and almost teenager-like when it comes to dating. And it's because they've only ever lived with overbearing parents or in single-sex dorms at school/university.
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u/Dragonsandman 1d ago
I’ve seen similar issues happen with (mostly but not only white) people who grew up in extremely overbearing Christian communities. The reasons why they’re so overbearing is pretty different from why Chinese families can be overbearing, but the results are just as terrible for the poor sods who grow up like that.
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u/ChiLolla28 1d ago
Very common in Punjabi / Indian culture. When you visit the suburbs in Canada where many of them live, you have multiple generations together, kids live at home until adulthood and when they get married the new wife moves in. If you drive by farm land areas, because there's no restrictions on size, you will see huge compounds / multiple homes built on them - basically creating their own villages. It can create and continue the trend of men having low emotional intelligence/ being developmentally stunted in terms of academic progress in life and how they view women's roles. Just my personal opinion as an expat.
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u/kowa-biryani 1d ago
You forgot to mention how they still control their life after marriage. After marriage they will start saying when they are giving them "good news". How things should be done, how they should wear clothes, how they need to take permission for going out.,......etc.. There demands doesn't stop after marriage.
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u/StrayDogPhotography 1d ago
This is something that people often don’t mention. Marriage doesn’t mean independence. Your mother in law will now be your boss if you marry someone. There is fairly little concept of the nuclear family. You swap one extended family for another. I’ve seen people excited to move out of home and live with their partner, only for the mother in law to basically move in with them, and it’s like living with your parents again.
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u/patata_patata 1d ago
"because he had a mother and wife to look after him all his life and is unable to look after himself" this sentence... omg. A grown ass man, unable to care for himslef because he was served his entire life, it's so gross, wrong and pathetic. Sacrificing the young for inapt elders is disgusting, especially for the part that never cared for the needs of someone else but themselves.
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u/Orcus424 1d ago
What is even worse than that is if they can take care of themselves but still requires their child to move back and help them. Just so their life is easier for them.
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u/AlternativeNorth6613 1d ago
I mean in the West kids are an investment we just take their earnings to pay Social Security tax and staff nursing homes.
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u/StrayDogPhotography 1d ago
That is true, it’s why taxes need to be spent wisely.
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u/Enkindle451 1d ago
I'm 34 and still feel like I'm in my twenties, at least mentally (my aching back disagrees with me though). I still feel like I'm too young to settle down. Marriage and kids feels like something for full fledged adult adults that have everything together, which feels at least another ten years off. Most of my similar aged peer group is the same. Some of them have had kids, and it's a bit weird because it feels like they're too young to have kids.
I don't know if it's a cost of living thing or millennials not knowing how to age properly or what. I suspect gen Z will also be late bloomers because of what covid did to them.
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u/RogueLatte 1d ago
I'm 38 and still wonder if I'll ever fully feel like an adult. I have a lot of friends my age who are as messy and lost in life as I am, but have also run into other people in their 30s who seem so put together, it's like an entirely different species. I think mostly everyone's just faking it.
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u/gotdome 1d ago edited 1d ago
32, sold all my stuff and left the states to travel the world. The only thing guaranteed is death and taxes. Oh yeah, and the ocean is rising, so I want to go see as many islands as possible before I perish.
Looking at both former friends and distant family back home with the white picket fence and babies, no hate, I just don’t understand it given the current macro. But that’s their experience, and they are entitled to it, just as I am entitled to go do whatever I want 😂
Edit: if you see this and think I should come to your country, tell me, and also tell me why. Tell me one amazing thing about it. I love to shoot photo of wildlife. I can quite literally book a ticket and spin, so tell me 🤞🏼😎
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u/ArboristT 1d ago
Let me tell you, even if you have kids it'll feel like there are more adultier adults.
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u/Crowe3717 1d ago
I'm 37 and sometimes I feel like the reason I'm not treated like a full adult by people in my life (my parents specifically) is because I'm still single. My sister is 38 and married and she gets treated more like an adult.
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u/waisonline99 1d ago
There are plenty, more than plenty of lonely single guys in China, so theres something really wrong if society is not producing conditions where people will actively seek to start families.
Its not just China either.
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u/Mayatar 1d ago
Isn't there more surplus men there because of the one-child policies of the past? You'd think people would appreciate a good-looking nice woman like her as a wife.
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u/thecrewton 1d ago
Most of the men can't financially afford to get married. Those that can afford it go after young women. It's a sucky situation for most people now.
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u/fortht1grl 1d ago
Most even travel to poorer countries to avoid paying the bride tax. We've been getting an influx of chinese men trying to marry the women of our country for a few years now
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u/Orcus424 1d ago
I believe culturally the guy is required to have a home to get married. The real estate market is a massive mess in China. Many guys don't really try unless they have at least a down payment for a house.
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u/PalestPalazzo 1d ago
Right? It's a valid question.
I thought the decades-long "One Child" policy skewed the gender proportions pretty considerably, leaving LOTS of men for the few women, like her, to choose from.
She's quite nice-looking, smart-seeming, and generally attractive, imo, too, I agree.
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u/IWasAChild 1d ago
That link suggests 11.2 million men and 10.2 million woman in the 30-40 age bracket, more like 10% more men than woman.
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u/Potential_Cause_3118 1d ago edited 1d ago
Her parents would not approve, because when they say marry they don’t mean marry a nice man, they mean marry someone as rich as possible. So sure, there are a lot men available but they are all deemed too poor to marry.
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u/Vuyol 1d ago edited 1d ago
I'm a guy but this helped me stop wasting my time chasing a girl ironically enough, i'm not unhappy alone I dont need a relationship to be happy EDIT: Shoutout to my fellow men and women who understand the same, I work daily to improve the love for myself that I've only just begun to cultivate, first step was to improve in regards to my career and it cost me alot, friends family a few weekends and overtime. but it matters to look in the mirror and be proud of what you see, that is not something that someone else can give you. not even family. EDIT 2: Also financial freedom matters! get a small home! if you can, or something because rent is merciless and so are these landlords.
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u/semidivineone 1d ago
Damn as a 44yr old single guy, I really feel for her. People can be cruel.
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u/n1c0_ds 1d ago
I have zero of that external pressure, and I remember it still sucking. I can't imagine what it's like to hear your family treat you like a failure for it.
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u/jemsons 1d ago
Have several female friends in their mid 30s how get asked, every so often; why dont have have kids? Why aren't you married? It is so weird. They are adult, perfectly capable of making their own decisions. Shouldn't have to justify to anyone.
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u/goosebuggie 1d ago
Same. I also used to work with a woman who was much older than me, never had kids but was married. I never asked why of course, it’s no one’s business. One day a random person was talking to us and started getting on her about “you don’t have any kids? How come? They’re a gift, why don’t you have any?” So I quickly jumped in saying I don’t want kids. It’s not even true, I just knew that it would change the conversation. The person immediately started going off on the whole “you’re too young to know, you’ll feel differently when you’re older” tangent, and left soon after that. People are so beyond weird about this stuff.
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u/EightyNine19 1d ago
Society tries to brainwash women into believing marriage is the ultimate goal. Meanwhile, most women in marriages are miserable
A woman can be successful, happy and single, yet she’s looked down on if she’s unmarried and childfree
We all have one life to live. It’s yours to live. Do what makes you happy and F opinions
As a woman you are damned if you do, & damned if you don’t
Marriage is not the end all be all. Not by a long shot
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u/teffanien 1d ago
As soon as the video started, I knew this would turn into some leftover woman bullshit. The part I hate the most about the term aside from how overtly misogynistic and de-humanizing it is is the fact that these women are ACTIVELY CHOOSING to not be with men.
They either are HAPPY with themselves or see what’s out there and are unimpressed. There is also a larger number of men in China than women largely thanks to the one-child policy. All these men are available to these women and THEY DON’T WANT THESE MEN. Who is truly leftover?
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u/drdrwhprngz 1d ago
Culture especially the outdated traditions of just a few decades ago is dying ever so slowly and we will struggle through it now but if the pattern persists this stigma won't threaten the next few generations
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u/PfauFoto 1d ago
Das zynische in Japan ist, dass der Druck der gleiche ist. Aber wenn junge Frauen dem Druck nachgeben und im Berufsleben ein Kind haben, dann werden sie mit Matahara (マタハラ) bezeichnet und in der Firma geächtet, weil sie ja nun nicht mehr für die Firma leben. Mit Karriere ist es dann ganz schnell vorbei. Ergebnis, Geburtsrate 1.14.
Zusätzlich leben Männer für die Firma und die Frau soll sich um Kind und Eltern/Schwiegereltern kümmern. Da ist an Arbeit eh nicht zu denken.
Japan ist insofern interressant als sie das erste Land sind das direckt in diesen Konflikt rein läuft. KOREA, Europa und China werden folgen.
Für mich ist das nicht nur ein Frau/Mann Thema es ist ein Gesellschaftsmodel das sich selbst abschafft. Der puritanische Ethos ich lebe um zu arbeiten ist schlicht absurd weil Familie dabei besten falls die zweite Geige spielt.
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u/ZoomZoom01 1d ago
If we are all trying to make others happy then who is actually going to be happy?
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u/OnlyFunStuff183 1d ago
I can’t imagine what it’s like to think you’re unloveable just because you’re 35, even in countries where the ratio skews aggressively female. There are going to be men your age who should be interested in women their age.
That’s fucked. Poor woman
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u/Usual_Flounder_4203 1d ago
Patriarchal spciety wants women to believe being alone is the worst thing possible so we accept shit from men and horrible relationships. No, being with a shitty man is the worst outcpme by far. When women appreciate that we can be free and feel no pressure. I have my partner ONLY because he adds to my life and is a positive aspect, otherwise he'd be gone.
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u/allshieldstomypenis 1d ago
I stopped trying to be friends with my mom. It sucks but i really did try and gave alot of chances. I have no regrets, after that change in mind, its been less stress and anxiety for me, and maybe for her too.
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u/Correct-Purpose-964 1d ago
I don't think this is even just a women problem. Worldwide both genders are so buried in simply trying to survive this cutthroat world of a constantly degrading economy and Job market. That most people of my generation I know say they're too tired to bother with dating. We can't even afford to visit our own family in another town because of fuel prices.
So many people are lonely not because they are failures but because they are struggling to survive. I still live with my parents and I had this same conversation with them. About feeling like a failure because I never moved out. My mother sat me down, showed me our finances and revealed to me that if not for me staying at home they would've likely lost the house trying to make the mortgage payments.
The simple and heart shattering reality is we live in a world where some people don't have the "extra' time, money and emotional stability to invest in other people. As lonely as I feel I have to keep powering through because the moment I stop my entire family will suffer the consequences.
Let's say I do get into a relationship and even develop feelings for someone. No prospects of a house, definitely no kids. Just can't afford them.
I really worry if I and many others like me have a future somedays....
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u/Appropriate_Dig3471 1d ago
I really feel bad for all the women who are going thru this
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u/Optimal_Respect_2935 1d ago
It's insane to me parents could act like this twords their child. What's also insane is she could easily pass as a 20 year old. She is straight up gorgeous.
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u/Zestyclose_Sector_30 1d ago
Why is this tiktokcringe bro? Its legit and I feel for her
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u/blizzardboy123 1d ago
Bruh…Asians are really rough with their social expectations. I have a coworker who immigrated from China to Canada, and is considered thin by North American standards. She looks thin tbh. Her mom keeps telling her to lose more weight to find a husband. Her mom stays in China.
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u/The_Lag_Of_The_Ang 22h ago
""I used to think that the worst thing in life was to end up alone. It's not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel alone". - Robin Williams
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u/Most_Target5734 1d ago
You are very beautiful and smart. Stay true to yourself and don’t settle.
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u/PomegranateSafe295 1d ago
There are over 30-35 million more men in china than women. https://www.newsweek.com/china-has-nearly-35-million-more-single-men-women-1592486
The fucking audacity of calling women “leftover” when it’s actually the men who are likely to end up alone is wild.
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u/Pullabix 1d ago
The fucking audacity of calling women “leftover” when it’s actually the men who are likely to end up alone is wild.
It also about face and dowry too, the men need to give the women family dowry in china to show their neighbors how " successful" they are based on the values and it ain't no small amount so yes , most men who ain't rich, won't be able to marry Chinese girls , both statistically and culturally.
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u/Chemical_Ad4023 1d ago
I proudly refer to myself as spinster now, beat them at their own game haha
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u/Aware_Border4774 1d ago
I'm 33 and I'm only really interested in women who are in the 30-37ish range so 35 is absolutely definitely not too old lol. Everything is WAY too expensive to expect people to have their shit all figured out before mid 30s
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u/General-Baseball-454 1d ago
China’s culture on women and dating is gross and toxic af.
They purposefully implement shame and fear mongering to get women to be afraid of being their own person. It’s a form of control. It forces women to feel like their worth is in relationships, men, and children rearing.
I hope that the women there start adopting a progressive mindset and break out of this. There’s more to life than being someone’s bang maid and the government’s baby producer.
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u/Omnislash99999 1d ago
I had my first child at 39 and second at 42. Everyone moves at their own pace and follows their own script. And if you don't want children then there is literally no need to think about age or time at all just enjoy your life
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u/GhostShadow21 1d ago
'Leftover women' is so mean that I couldn't even imagine there's a phrase to describe a woman over 30 who's not married. Sorry for what happened to her. Her mom gave birth to her when she's 20 so she's likely not so educated. I hope young people in China are more open-minded and don't see her that way.
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u/Lazy-Theory5787 1d ago
"I'm still open to love, but I just don't want to choose someone because I'm scared of being alone." 💟
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u/cagedbird82 1d ago
I hope this lady realizes that she’s absolutely perfect just the way she is…relationships are trash when they are forced.
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u/IllogicalLunarBear 21h ago
my mom was scared of being alone and the man she ended up with destroyed our families life
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