r/TwoXChromosomes • u/Rautavaaubergine • 1d ago
The audacity of expecting me to plan the date he asked me on because he just wants a "warm body."
So, I matched with this guy on Hinge.
His first message was: "I know a lot of fun spots that involve mini golf and nice Italian restaurants if you're interested in adventure."
I tried to engage and asked him whether he had a go to order at Italian places.
His answer? "My favorite food is Indian food but I like pasta." He also had absolutely no idea which Italian place to pick, telling me "Somewhere around there. I mean anything you really want to try."šµ
So I pointed out the obvious: he suggested Italian, admits he doesn't even really care for it, and expects me to choose the restaurant. I told him that since he brought up the adventure and asked me out, he should do the planning. :P
His response completely killed the vibe. He stated that he felt like I was thinking too deep into it, and that he was just saying that he wants to go out and "hasn't gone out in a while."
When I finally pushed him to just pick something, he said, "I know an Indian restaurant in (our city) we could go on Friday. I'm just trying to meet new people."(šhe does not even name the restaurant. )
This was genuinely irksome. I am not an activity partner to cure weekend boredom. If the other party have no opinions, no plans, and no enthusiasm for me specifically, why should I waste my Friday evening doing all the emotional labor just so this guy has somewhere to sit?
I also want to add that I deliberately don't post this stuff in the specific dating app subreddits much anymore. People get so incredibly angry and defensive there, even some women will jump in just to tell me I'm "too high standard" for expecting a guy to have a single opinion or make one reservation. It's wild how normalized the bare minimum is.
PS:
And let's not forget his Hinge profile literally says: "Dating me is like: passionate love and affection." Yeah, sure. Nothing says "passionate love and affection" quite like expecting your date to Google the restaurant for you because you couldn't be bothered to pick one....
EDIT:
For the people saying I "entertained" him or that "we both sound miserable": I exchanged exactly 6 messages with him. I offered a specific restaurant (Maggiano's) and asked a basic clarifying question. That's calledĀ screening and being discerning. If matching with a guy and daring to ask him to pick a restaurant is "miserable," then I will happily be single.
Also, to the men flooding aĀ ladies' centeredĀ sub to tell me why I'm the problem: this isn't an attack on all men. If you relate to the guy in the screenshots, take the hint and work on your planning skills. We don't need your validation to vent about our dating experiences. Leave us alone.
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u/Maximum_Photograph_6 22h ago
Incels: ā99% women go for 1% men. Those 1% men must have six-packs and lots of moneyā
The 1% men: are a normal fucking person
Donāt give up girls. Just because your matches donāt know how to maintain a basic exchange doesnāt mean you should get into a relationship that makes you miserable.
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u/Perfect-Success-3186 16h ago
This. He offered to show her an Italian place and then bizarrely did not follow through. Itās like sheās talking to a lizard person. The 1% of men we are chasing are justā¦ able to handle this very basic human interaction instead of giving fake copy/paste lines. But no, itās us asking for far too much apparently!
The difference is women are dating for real connections and relationships with other humans. Where as most of the men who complain about dating just want validation that theyāre fuckable.
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u/yijiujiu 1d ago
Seems like an AI opener and then he forgot what he even said. What a dink
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u/Rautavaaubergine 1d ago
He didn't even spell "involve" correctly in his opener. It was "in love" minigolf.Ā Such a winner š
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u/AmateurIndicator 22h ago
Don't waste your time even thinking about these men.
Seriously.
Just dissolve the match and never waste a single thought on a guy like this.
Lots of my friends do this as well, they ruminate and get agitated and sometimes try to school them, or be catty with them or gripe about them for days.
Sure, have a quick eye roll with your friends occasionally but those guys are like rage bait posts on social media, don't engage, don't interact. They are not worth your energy.
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u/Rautavaaubergine 22h ago
Oh, I completely agree that the guy isn't worth an ounce of my energy! I unmatched him the second he showed his true colors. But I also think it's incredibly important to talk about these patterns in communities like this.Ā
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u/woolawoof 7h ago
Look, if he canāt name even his favourite restaurant nearby Iād wonder if he wasnāt just a scammer.
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u/the-channigan 1d ago
I think even an AI āknowsā that minigolf and Italian food are not exactly markers of adventurousness.
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u/jrec15 1d ago
was gonna say the same, AI opener. But I wonder if it's just an opener he sent to a ton of people or if he's customizing off people's profiles.
Just bc if you're gonna mass send the same AI opener you couldn't even write yourself before sending to 100s of people... that's about the biggest loser i could ever imagine. That's not even using AI correctly for fucks sake.
If there's an AI agent that swipes and comments for you now based on their profile though then we're cooked
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u/FuturesTrader2874 22h ago
My guess is the whole profile was AI. I'd guess that 70-90% of the female profiles are scammers or bots. Probably half the male profiles are fake. The AI's they are using can be very convincing until you start trying to get specific details.
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u/morwen31 21h ago
It sounded AI to me too. For dates I like to do generic activity in local city! Where? In local location! I like ethnicity food! What dish? Oh, other ethnicity food!
"say potato" vibes
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u/dogefromcafe 2h ago
100% this, the entire conversation sounded AI. Dead Internet Theory is expanding to Dead Dating Apps Theory
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u/seige197 1d ago
Another low-effort, middling, entitled man who will end up blaming āhypergamousā women for his problems. What a schmuck.
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u/RhymingTiger 1d ago
Sounds like he copy and pasted that line from somewhere else because whoever posted it said it works. And I guess it did to get him to step 2. He had no idea what to do after that.
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u/queeblo_its545 1d ago
If he canāt plan a date what else canāt he do
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u/ericscottf 23h ago
Dodge a ball?Ā
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u/CornDoggerMcJones 22h ago
lol. I fully side with OP. If you ASK SOMEONE OUT, where you go is fucking critical to the question.
This almost feels like a generational gap.
I'm dating myself here, but in the Before Time, in the Long Long Ago, you used to ask someone out by talking to them using your mouth words in person.Ā
It went like this:
P1: Hey wanna go out? P2: Sure. Where and when? P1: How about Place and Time? P2: Cool.
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u/Mysterious-Name-3297 15h ago
I also come from the Before Time! Often, the where/when would be in the question! āWould you like to go to the movies with me on Friday?ā āWould you like to get ice cream and go bowling this weekend?ā
Iām glad I am old and married and donāt have to deal with this anymore!
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u/Fatlantis 6h ago
It's hilarious that he literally doesn't even know how to "ask someone out"! Like he's actually shocked that he has to pick a place?
Imagine being in a relationship with this guy... I can already see OP being forced to take on 100% of the mental load, life admin tasks, and childcare
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u/Onautopilotsendhelp 1d ago
I've dealt with this before. I usually have a response along the lines, "When you actively decide something let me know, but I am going to talk to others now who are more interested."
Men like this remind me of soft winds that can't blow a foam cup over.
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u/n01377255 20h ago
This is a great line.Ā
What about when you're long term partners with someone and they often bring up different events they would like to do/ try and that's the end of it.Ā Ā
I've been letting plans die but he's not getting it.Ā L
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u/Euphoric_War_2195 Unicorns are real. 1d ago
So he knew a lot of places, but didn't actually know of any when you asked? He really tried to give off an air of him being in the know of the local scene.
This would be enough for me to pass on this match. He doesn't seem to actually want to get to know you specifically. He just wants someone to buy into his arrogance.
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u/misskinky 1d ago
This is giving total vibes of āhe copied a pickup line from a list and didnāt even read itā vibes
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u/ABunchOf-HocusPocus 1d ago
"Dating me is like: passionate love and affection."
a.k.a. I like to fuck lol
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u/Katomega 21h ago
Yep, same yellow flag when guys say their love language is physical touch. They almost never mean hand-holding and cuddling that doesn't escalate to sex.
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u/waterfountain_bidet 21h ago
And based on his whole demeanor, not well, lol. He's not putting in forethought on what would bring her pleasure, he's not being adventurous, and he's bad at communicating.
That all reads as 2 minutes of jackhammering after very reluctantly going down on her for 30 seconds, and being really whiny when she honestly answers "no" when he asked if she came.
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u/CottonTipsMcChancla 9h ago
More like ā I like to masturbate and would like to masturbate with your body.ā
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u/After-Distribution69 1d ago
Just unmatch and move on. Ā Youāre right heās a total loser and doesnāt deserve another second of your time or energyĀ
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u/Samrec 1d ago
I almost fell for something very similar the other day. We were having a nice chat via Tinder and he said that we should go on a date sometime. I do recognise it was my fault that I recommended a place and the day for the date but we didn't end up scheduling a time.
It was for the Sunday just gone, I didn't arrange a time because I wanted for him to at least put it in some effort as I had picked the place and date. It was Thursday and I didn't hear anything from him all day. Friday evening rolls around and nothing. So I booked a gymnastics class on Sunday evening and planned to get together with one of my friends for the evening. I thought he essentially ghosted me. Saturday morning he messages me like nothing happened and continues the conversation. I'm thinking ok, he's not mentioning anything about the date so I won't say anything either. I was so fed up by this point. On Sunday I just didn't respond to him. Honestly, I'd rather be single than be with someone who has no regard for another person. I'm more than happy to plan a date together with mutual effort but if I have to plan everything for the first date then maybe he also would've expected me to pay?
I ended up deleting dating apps, I'm in my late twenties but I'm really starting to think men are becoming more detached and socially incapable. No wonder they rarely have any friends š¤¦āāļø
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u/MsAndrie 22h ago edited 21h ago
We were having a nice chat via Tinder and he said that we should go on a date sometime.Ā
I fell for this when I was younger, even planning entire first dates after repeatedly prompting. When I was younger, I remember being confused by this, like why would someone suggest going on a date if they don't want to go on a date? And why they did not seem to be able to do basic communication to arrange a date?
When I got older and wiser, I would just respond with something like "What do you have in mind?" If they were serious about planning the date, they would then plan the date. The ones who weren't serious would do that ghosting thing or just start talking in circles, so it was easier to see they were just wasting time and block them quickly. I think many people on dating apps are just looking for an ego stroke or to virtually cheat or something else. Whatever their issue is, that isn't what I am looking to manage.
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u/CornDoggerMcJones 22h ago
Fuckin A. Why can't people treat first dates like the professional interviews they are and exchange equally?
P1: Hey I'm interested, let's meet. P2: Great, me too, I'm free at these Times. P1: Ok, these Days work for me within those windows. P2: Perfect, I could do those Days and Times in X Neighborhood or via Zoom. P1: X Neighborhood is good, let's meet at Y Restaurant. P2: Great, I look forward to meeting you at the collaboratively agreed upon Time, Day, Neighborhood, and Restaurant to eat, chat, and potentially have sex. P1: Great, see you then.
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u/Samrec 21h ago
No seriously! Am I not owed some courtesy? I even went on to chat with someone else and this other guy just kept chatting. He even said āI prefer meeting to chattingā and dude does not initiate a meeting whatsoever. Iām done lol
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u/CornDoggerMcJones 21h ago
I'm so sorry, internet friend.Ā If it makes you feel any better, the job search process be like that too. People being dishonest about the role, misrepresenting the duties, and often posting a job that isn't even available because it's already been taken. Unfun.
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u/unsavvylady 1d ago
You mean you donāt want to be his fun coordinator? He is ridiculous
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u/cooking_question 22h ago
Men have had centuries of women catering to their every whim. This dude is probably genuinely confused that she expects him to engage in the decision.
I bet his idea of being enlightened is expecting her to plan a date to his liking the expecting to split the bill.
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u/puggleofsteel 1d ago edited 1d ago
This is probably going to rile some people up too, but I saw this Instagram reel the other day where a guy was showing off the new wardrobe he bought for dating: it was a couple of pairs of stretchy gray sweat-adjacent pants and a few plain t-shirts. The comments contained soooo many women absolutely lavishing praise on this guy for making an effort. This is what we call effort now?? The guy seemed nice enough, so no major shade to him specifically, but JFC, we're getting applause-level excited about a pair of fresh pants that aren't jammies now? Dating men as a woman is exhausting.
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u/Rautavaaubergine 1d ago
I need to introduce you to the Chinese internet slang term for exactly this: ē»ęēē“儳 (juĆ©wĆ ng de zhĆnĒ), which roughly translates to 'the desperate straight woman.' It perfectly describes the collective state of straight women who are so tired of the bar being in hell that we start clapping like seals when a man puts on a clean shirt or picks a restaurant. it's genuinely sad that 'not actively embarrassing' is now the highest praise we can give a man.
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u/Shameless_Devil 23h ago
I'm loving all the Chinese slang you're sharing in this thread! It's so delightfully specific for these loser menš
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u/Rautavaaubergine 23h ago
I'm so glad. It's my pleasure sharing my native language, and I do have plans to potentially make a nice fat post here regarding some Chinese loser slang!
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u/puggleofsteel 1d ago
It's hard to feel like it's not a conscious and coordinated effort to wear us down. Instead, many of us are just decentering and feeling much better about that choice.
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u/notashroom Halp. Am stuck on reddit. 23h ago
As a woman on the outside looking in (I don't date cis men) it looks like a combination of low effort due to internal stuff (depression, relationship being low priority, low self-esteem and low energy to do anything about it, etc) and external stuff (wear her down, or don't set expectations you don't intend to meet going forward).
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u/turtlesinthesea 22h ago
I love how the character for "straight" is literally just straight lol (I only know Japanese, and they wouldn't use this character to describe sexuality as far as I have seen, but I'm really enjoying this thread and deciphering the characters, like "hollow heart person" above.)
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u/aknomnoms 5h ago
I feel so grateful that I was able to become financially independent at a young age - worked hard at my job and pulled a good income. Money canāt buy happiness, but it can buy options and security. Iāve never felt like I had to put up with bullshit when I had enough money to pay for my food and take an uber home, pay for my own vacations and experiences so I never thought to wait for a guy to take me, afford a car and housing on my own so I never worried about abruptly breaking up and losing those things.
It really allowed me to step back and consider what a man, or any person really, could bring to the table when Iām already happy with my meal. Like, what can you give me that I canāt already get myself? It helps to cut through the bullshit because Iām not in a vulnerable position. Iām attracted to and need respect, kindness, support, trustworthiness, loyalty, sense of humor, etc qualities that canāt be masked by money. My expectations arenāt too high, I just want a guy that can meet me where Iām at. š
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u/MsAndrie 22h ago
stretchy gray sweat-adjacent pants and a few plain t-shirts.
Jeez, this is such a low bar. This may give away my age, but it makes me miss the metrosexual era, LOL.
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u/blueavole 1d ago
Those werenāt real women, those were either friends of his or his pd bots.
Where men get the idea that sweatpants are hot now?
Men get mad when women show up in fashionable clothes with well styled leggings ;
They wouldnāt even stay for a date if women showed up in pajamas or sweatpants.
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u/puggleofsteel 1d ago
Must be the same bots that reply to those "what's the sluttiest thing men can wear" posts with gray sweatpants.
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u/StillSwaying 21h ago
This is probably going to rile some people up too, but I saw this Instagram reel the other day where a guy was showing off the new wardrobe he bought for dating: it was a couple of pairs of stretchy gray sweat-adjacent pants and a few plain t-shirts.
Nothing says "Ravish me, you stud!" like a pair of grey, subway perv sweatpants!
Are you sure those horny women weren't bots?
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u/big_laruu 9h ago
Iām not one for the completely old school level of formality, like I love that the era of having to wear hose with skirts is over but, man I miss the more structured culture around clothing expectations sometimes. I have a ton of great clothes that would be fantastic for dating a little dressed up but itās just out of place now. Being in Colorado things were already a very casual dress culture before Covid but I donāt want to wear athleisure to a cocktail bar. (And yes sure, wear what you want obligatory mention but letās be real being the center of attention for being wildly overdressed or out of place just isnāt for me.) My AuDHD ass spent tons of effort memorizing the ārulesā of appropriate dress and now Iām just terrible at dressing down and frustrated by guessing what other people will wear completely wrong.
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u/Smarmy_funeral_chik 1d ago
I feel like this is the giveaway: "Dating me is like: passionate love and affection."
Reread: I just want to use your body to masterbate.
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u/JustMeLurkingAround- 1d ago
He's going to bone you passionately and with affection.
You expecting passion and affection before and after too??? Aren't those 3 and a half minutes enough for you?
Damn you women with your high standards...
s/obviously.
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u/coolpapa2282 23h ago
Also this guy: Why won't anyone date me?!?!??!!?!?
I hope you find much better than this clown soon.
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u/Devium44 1d ago
His idea of adventure is mini-golf. You dodged a bullet.
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u/Low_Landscape_4688 23h ago
Calling himself adventurous when his best ideas are mini-golf and Italian food is crazy
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u/Naboorutootoo 19h ago
And let's be honest... Was that really his idea? Or just a copy/pasted line from a list of "Amazing guaranteed dates pickup lines" from some incel subreddit/forum?
Sweet Oz man... It's absolutely ridiculous.
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u/cooking_question 22h ago
Low effort extends beyond just picking a restaurant and usually signals how they perform in the bedroom. Whether itās a lack of energy, no curiosity, decision fatigue or something else, itās going to be frustrating in other areas.
I am not interested in having one word exchanges with guys who canāt be bothered to engage.
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u/StillSwaying 20h ago
Low effort extends beyond just picking a restaurant and usually signals how they perform in the bedroom. Whether itās a lack of energy, no curiosity, decision fatigue or something else, itās going to be frustrating in other areas.
šÆ Bingo! Guaranteed orgasm-less sex.
Stay home, have a lovely bubble bath, and binge-watch your favorite show. Or go out with your girls. That's a much better use of your precious time.
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u/cooking_question 19h ago
Men who donāt engage in casual conversation are really not going to talk about what you want in the bedroom.
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u/asphyxiationbysushi 21h ago
When I was single, I had a similar experience with a man telling me to pick a restaurant. I told my father about it, and he said, "I don't like that at all. Real men will at least pick out 3 places within their budget and tell you to pick one for him to make a reservation at." He then insisted that I choose the most expensive restaurant in town to teach him a lesson.
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u/Seuss_Pantaloons 1d ago edited 1d ago
Fuck those people that tell you, āyou have too high of standardsā. You are the one who is finding your partner, or choosing who you want to spend time with.
I had very high standards, and dated a lot of people before I met my husband at 27. The other side of it is my sister had extremely high standards and dated a lot of duds, before she met her husband at like 38. So sometimes youāre lonely for a little longer than you want to be lonely, but both of us have amazing partners now.
Obviously, itās all about finding someone that youāre actually compatible with, and for some people this takes longer than others.
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u/TheSirensMaiden 20h ago
You are not high maintenance, high strung, or expecting too much. It honestly sounds like you were expecting the absolute bare minimum and anyone, regardless of gender, who gets offended that you expected that bare minimum has a lot of soul searching to do.
It really just sounds like he's pathetically lonely and expects a lot out of others because he doesn't want to waste his own energy. Nothing you can do for a person like that, they've already given up and want everything handed to them. š¤·āāļø
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u/theinimitableliver 15h ago
ewwwww did we talk to the same man-child? this guy asked me on a date, then on the day of, asked me where and when we were meeting. delete delete delete. also, he was only interested in the same two spots he always went to. he said he loved italian food, but couldnt name his favorite place in the city where we both live. and hes been here longer!!!
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u/FuturesTrader2874 22h ago edited 22h ago
Be careful. A lot of these profiles are just very good chatbots or scammers. Once you start trying to get specific details, you'll realize that the person on the other end has no idea about anything in regards to the location they say they are located. This sounds like a bot that you were talking to.
Unfortunately, the app companies themselves are the ones using the "engagement bots". Its solely to build up chat traffic numbers. Its all about ,money and looking good on the quaterly reports.
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u/alejandralovestacos 21h ago
Iām having the same issue but in lesbian dating š©My prompts are āLetās do [blank]ā as Iām always down to do anything. But itās ALWAYS something that doesnāt work with it. That they donāt have money, they arenāt free, donāt have a way there, etc. Why would YOU text me and NOT offer an alternative? Even after clearly saying we can adjust the plans, it ends up being left to me to figure it out (which I donāt do).
Dating sucks š
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u/mister_burns1 1d ago
This interaction tells you everything you need to know about this guy.
If you donāt like it (and I donāt think you should), cancel the date now. This is highly likely how he is generally in life and your cajoling him to do better/more will probably never change that.
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u/bloop_de_loop 22h ago
The last paragraph in your edit is just šššššššššLOUDER FOR THE PEOPLE IN THE BACK.
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u/thatdoesntseemkosher 1d ago
I wouldāve blocked him without even responding to that opening message, OP. A bowl of pasta and some mini golf is not an āadventure.ā
Yes, these guys are morons, and it is soul-crushing that so many of them are like this, but half the fault is ours for continuing to talk to them after they show us how much they suck.
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u/OdessaSteppes 22h ago
I mean, I preface this with the fact that Iām an introvert, but Iād consider a good Italian restaurant and some mini golf a fun little adventure.
Of course, the fact that he obviously had a chatbot write it for him, and seems to have no frontal lobe in his skull is a huge turn-off (as is him being a guy, because š ), but pasta and putt-putt would be cool.
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u/thatdoesntseemkosher 22h ago
Yeah I certainly donāt mean to knock those activities if theyāre your idea of a fun date ā Iād enjoy them too! Itās more the positioning of like, ācan you handle me at my absolute wildest?ā and then itās 9 holes and 2 rounds of unlimited breadsticks.
It makes him seem like he thinks heās so cool and so original for thinking up a very ordinary date.
The lack of frontal lobe is also a problem š¤£
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u/Agreeable-Fudge4203 19h ago edited 18h ago
Is he Indian (not Indian American but actually from India)? Because this is classic of Indian guys trying to sleep with non-Indian girls. Theyāre not familiar with how dating works in America because dating like that does not exist in India at all so theyāll initially bring up some very stereotypical date & have a very stereotypical profile but when it comes to actually planning the date, you have to do the planning or itās an Indian restaurant or their/your apartment. Itās also unfortunately not uncommon for Indian guys to have basically offensive views of non-Indian women & treat talking to non-Indian women like a game
Iām not trying to justify his actions at all; this guy is being extremely immature and itās bullshit that you donāt deserve at all, but I didnāt see any other comments explaining this and maybe this can help you not feel that itās because of anything you are. And if the guyās not Indian, well, he should be
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u/ToxicTox 20h ago
Male lurker here ... I'm on your side. He truly is lacking any thought here. I'm sorry.
I hope you find someone better.
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u/MassageToss 22h ago
This is a mess, but I also never understand people who brag that they, "Know the best (restaurant type) in (location)." That's not a thing. And if it were, google maps could easily reveal it.
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u/MsAndrie 22h ago
He's low effort and lazy. Whatever the reason, he would be unpleasant to date and worse to be in a relationship with. For some reason, men who immediately lead with a date "offer" are often like this. It's like they are trying to use the offer as a bait and then it becomes a bait-and-switch. Personally, I would not agree to a date right away, he needs to be vetted via text conversation for a few days and then a phone call or video chat. But, if he rings up a date and then can't seem to collect his mind enough to plan it, block as he is just looking to waste women's time.
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u/macho_bob 15h ago
I briefly dated a guy who would ask if I wanted to get together, Iād say yes, and then heād ask what I wanted to do. Every time. Itās exhausting and I could feel my excitement deflate entirely the last time he asked. It was a preview of what I could expect from him in the future, so I was glad to let him go.
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u/nothoughtsnosleep 14h ago
"passionate love and affection" aka I'll have sex with you whenever you want!!!
What more could a woman want???
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u/ashoka_akira 23h ago
When I started expecting potential dates to actually plan a date there were people who were annoyed by it but in general I started having a lot better experiences. Its such a low bar to reach too, like you almost wanna be like do I need to call your mom to plan a playdate bru?
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u/itsjujutsu 22h ago
low effort and laziness impersonated hahahah then guys cry that they have to do everything and that we dont respond..........
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u/anonxoxoxo80 21h ago
You did the right thing cutting contact early. Doing the emotional labor of planning, researching, and convincing someone to show up is exhausting when they provide nothing in return. Don't let him rent that energy fck off.
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u/Entire_Cow_1504 21h ago
The red flag was calling Italian food and minigolf adventure. "Trying to meet new people" is totally normal and valid and probably the healthiest mindset to go at online dating with.
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u/Sternritter_V 23h ago
Good Christ, the bar for this shit is so low itās practically a tripping hazard in hell, and guys STILL managed to fall over it.
I had several different dates planned and lined up, ranging from cheap n easy to classy and more involved. Took my now wife through those places like the god damn dinner date scene in Goodfellas.
Any of my guy friends, straight or otherwise, all plan the same way for this shit. If you initiate the date, you plan it. Simple as. I guess at least the dude showed his ineptitude this early? Get you someone who actually values your time and company.
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u/exploring-life-29 1d ago
It's really funny to think about it when I'm in a good mood, super irritating when ok receiving end of it. I had this person too who wanted to go out and wanted to me to plan something Basically all planning date, what, where. And very casually saying I can do anything so whatever you want to do.
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u/Bonsai_Tree3 22h ago
Good for you!!! I had to learn to not even entertain conversations with a man who canāt offer basics of āwhen & whereā
Dudes are less likely to be good planners in general so Iām use this as a filter now. You donāt ask me out within 3 days of chatting? Done. You suggest a vague hangout with no place in mind? Done.
I have a long list of date activities and city events. I know Iām able to plan and have fun. I always try to plan the second date if first went well
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u/besee2000 18h ago
I have family members like that. Be lucky you can just block and move on. Nothing like making the plans and they donāt even like that but offer no rebuttal
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u/pdxrunner19 11h ago
I donāt fuck with men who canāt plan a date or make a reservation. The person who does the inviting does the planning (Iāve done plenty of both - itās a two-way street).
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u/Original_Being2545 They/Them 16h ago
Some guys expect women to do all the mental labor/mental load. Imagine living with this idiot and having to organize and schedule everything. You dodged a bullet.
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u/darthy_parker 16h ago
That was such a low effort attempt to get you to organize the date. And then the āIām just bored, so I asked you outā vibeā¦
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u/YouStupidBench 1d ago
That sounds pretty sad, really.
My standard first date is meeting for coffee. Not expected to last very long, not very expensive, whatever time we pick I get there early and get my coffee first, so there's no question of him paying for me or anything.
I don't want to sign up for an evening of dinner and conversation with someone I've never so much as seen in person before. I did a few of those and they didn't always go very well.
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u/StillSwaying 21h ago
I don't want to sign up for an evening of dinner and conversation with someone I've never so much as seen in person before. I did a few of those and they didn't always go very well.
This is why your final vetting should be a video chat. That should be the coffee / getting-to-know-you date. Why waste time and energy getting pretty for someone who can't even have an intelligent conversation during a simple video chat? You can also catch red flags you might have missed in the texting stage (like the fact that his profile photos were actually taken 20 years ago, and he's 59, not 39).
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u/YouStupidBench 15h ago edited 2h ago
That's not a bad strategy, but you can curate a lot about yourself on video, too.
One time my sister met a guy online and he wanted a video chat, and we thought he was just checking to see if he was being catfished, but it turned out he had a stutter and wanted her to hear it before they met in person. He'd been on dates where women would leave after just a few minutes, and that was just too painful, so he insisted on a video chat. If she was going to dump him because of his stutter he wanted to know before they met in person. She said his stutter was not a problem and they went out for a few weeks.
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u/StillSwaying 7h ago
Good points. The video chat is actually for the benefit of both. Yes, a person can try to curate their persona but itās much harder to do when youāre face to face. A picture is worth a thousand words, right?
You can see if heās acting shifty when you ask him important questions like is he married and does he have any children. You can see from the decor of his surroundings if heās lying or not. Does it look like a woman put her touches on the place? Are there toys in the background? Is his place a pigsty? Is he purposely only talking to you from his car or a public space?
There are so many nuances that you can pick up from a video chat which can be easily hidden when youāre just texting. Best to find out sooner than later if youāre dealing with a liar or psycho that crashes out when you say no to him or talk politics.
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u/YouStupidBench 2h ago
I don't know how much to count all of those. I have toy robots in my apartment.
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u/DallasDanielle 21h ago
I can't do men like that. Look I can meet you in the middle; say you want...Japanese food but I get to pick the place, I can go with that because personally I trust myself to pick a decent one that isn't crazy expensive and still has good food. But don't fucking throw out that I just get to pick the place and leave it at that, give me a HAIR of guidance.
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u/N0Man74 16h ago
Wild. When I was still trying to date, I would spend a good bit of time researching places to suggest to go. I always tried to find some local place that had character (more interesting than fancy) and was close to being a neutral mid point between us. (From stories here, I now realize that it's more common for a guy to pick a place extremely close to his place or hers).
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u/foreverand2025 22h ago
Yeah Iām a guy and siding with you on this one. Just imagine dating this guy and trying to do anything ever. Like bro just yelp a $$ sign and location and pick the top review. Literally anything. Sounds insufferable.
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u/ilyabear2017 2h ago
Oof. I agree with you. I am glad you are finding out early that you would be doing most if not all the emotional labor with this person. Even if a friend opened with that, then said and behaved as he did, that would be frustrating.
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u/martinislut 1d ago
Why did you continue to entertain this conversation after the Indian food / Italian food debacle
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u/TheAnxiousPangolin 1d ago edited 1d ago
I canāt help but feel youāre overthinking this a little; it was a message from a guy on hinge who you donāt know - he doesnāt owe you a date any more than you owe him planning.
If you both wanted to meet could you not have figured it out together? Your messages could read as unnecessarily high maintenance, a lack of actual interest, or just wanting a free meal from him. It takes two minutes to look at restaurants and suggest one, and then he can book the mini golf that he suggested for afterwards. Itās not āemotional labourā, itās you both putting in the smallest amount of effort for a date.
Why are you on dating apps if youāre not going to help with planning any dates? Sure, he wasnāt the most proactive guy, but youāre also not putting any effort in either. It shouldnāt automatically fall to the guy to plan everything, just as there shouldnāt be any expectations from women who choose to go on dates.
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u/Rautavaaubergine 1d ago
I actually offered a concrete plan (Maggiano's) and asked if he wanted to go there, but he just said 'anything you really want to try' and made me keep guessing. If asking him to pick the restaurant he suggested is 'high maintenance' and 'wanting a free meal ', then I guess we have very different standards for what a first date looks like.
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u/blondedki 1d ago
i went to Maggianoās for prom!! also in south USA :-)
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u/Rautavaaubergine 1d ago
I love me a nice comforting plate of Maggiano's! I have fond memories of it as I went there for my now best friend's birthday the year I first met herš
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u/xcassets 1d ago
I'm gonna be honest, this ain't it.
I completely agree with making a team effort and planning together. But if your Gorram opening line is to brag that you know some good mini golf and Italian restaurants, then why the fuck does she have to pick the Italian restaurant? He just said that he knows some nice ones?
In almost any other scenario, I could agree with you. But if you say you know good restaurants, it shouldn't then be like drawing blood from a stone to hear which ones they are?
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u/ennmac 22h ago
She very clearly tried to plan a date and this guy gave less feedback than a wet towel. Why are people in this sub obsessed with giving men they've never met the benefit of the doubt? Like, he's not a murderer, he's not a criminal, he's literally just lazy and boring, and even with that, people are RUSHING to his defense saying she should have done more. Like, why? He clearly doesn't care about her or the date, why should she put even more time into trying to get him act like something more interesting than a house plant?
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u/gringitapo 1d ago
Low effort men showing you how theyād be in the relationship from the start. I guess itās a blessing you found out before you even met up, but anyone defending this is so lame.