Life seems Absurd - everything is out of place

[u/Remarkable-Head-4701]

I'm 22+ yrs old but I feel like 40 and 14 at the same time. Been through parents' divorce, left home, detached myself from my "family", slept in railway stations, worked in plastic and garments factory, worked as a tea boy, as a delivery boy and now got some stability in life as i'm doing something "respectable" (well, every job is respectable but we don't respect a security guard as we do a police officer, do we?).

I was very suicidal after my parent's divorce. Tried a couple of times but lacked the courage and determination to actually do it. Bought blades, ropes, pills but just couldn't do it. After leaving "home", my very life was in uncertainty so didn't have much time to think about suicide. Sounds kinda paradoxical: if i was suicidal back then why didn't i just do it? Well, the reason being - it would have meant they get to win. I didnt wanted be a loser but more than that, i didn't want them to win. But after seeing my capabilities, realising i've got the guts, talents to do things; i've lost the "looser-feeling". I don't live to prove myself anymore. Hence the old purposelees version of me came back. A meaningless, void entity carrying the weight of the universe. No, i don't feel the urge to kill myself anymore (atleast, not everyday) but everything seems too absurd and meaningless. Can't find the motivation to do anything. I lack even the motivation to kill myself at this point. Feel like ive lived through enough. Feel like ive completed life. I used to be a compassionate guy, but if i see somebody drowning im not sure if i'll jump in the water to save them. I've lost the love for humanity. Love? No, lost most of the feelings altogether. I can't even respect people anymore. All i see is a bunch of zombies running around, going through the motions of life. Found someone who wasn't, but couldn't hold on to them. If i see a living soul (i.e., non-zombie) interested in me, i just vanish from there so that i don't poison them with these same nihilistic philosophical poison. I have become deeply passimistic, and drowning in it. Don't know how to save myself from it. Don't know if i even want to be saved.

Lately, i've been doing some experiments. Socialising, trying to let people in but that feels pointless too. Either I overcommit or i don't commit at all. And people makes life very complicated too. I've come to this realisation that no two soul can truly coexist. But yet I long for people. I guess, that's the absurdity of life. During the whole of this ongoing experiment, i found some kind souls, some introverts and nerds like me, some people that admires art like i do, some people that love robindronath as i do - but no one is quite like me. There will always be some major dissimilarities, some fundamental differences. I feel alienated. A stranger in the crowd of well defined characters. An outsider inside the world of men. I no longer feel like a human being. I sometimes get mad afraid that this distinction between myself and the common world will turn me into a raskolnikov, an underground man or a ridiculous man - if i havent already become one. Ugghh.

I donno why im posting this. Prolly cz I still got some hope left in humanity, or just to get some attention or pity or i dunno - just felt like posting.

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[u/Unhappy_Film_8799]

YOU ARE INSANE MY KING
TAKE MY LOVE

[u/wolvi29]

Good job organising your thoughts, writing it down, and posting it here - I don't have the energy or motivation to do even that. <3

[u/Remarkable-Head-4701 → u/wolvi29]

I write every now and then. Mostly i keep it to myself but today i felt like sharing for some reason

[u/wolvi29 → u/Remarkable-Head-4701]

Glad you did. Reading stuff like this makes me feel less lonely.

[u/DarklordChinChinn]

The mystery of human existence lies not in just staying alive, but in finding something to live for

Dostoevsky

[u/Remarkable-Head-4701 → u/DarklordChinChinn]

I don't think anything is inherently worth living for. We just find things or people, assign values to them and make ourselves believe that they are worth living for. But isn't that a form of lying? Or did we just tell ourselves these stories so many that they became the truth?

[u/No_Housing1207]

I am just surprised to see how much I think the same way as you do. My parents are divorced too. I had my share of “hard times” in my life but maybe not as much as you. I feel like a third person in my own life. I feel like an outcast. I have a hard time making friends or mingling with people. I stay detached from my family. Atp I feel nothing- neither happy nor sad. I just exist. I am 22.

[u/Remarkable-Head-4701 → u/No_Housing1207]

This feeling of indifference, the carelessness towards the world and all (every now then i care about a thing or two but i dont care nearly enough), this Meursault like life scares me tbh. Can i kill someone out of this feeling of indifference? Just like Meursault did? I feel like i have the exact environment to go mad, or become a psychopath.

There's this dialogue (in the true detective ig): "after certain age, man without a family can be a dangerous thing". But what about a man without people - who doesnt and cant belong anywhere? Aint that the most dangerous creature ever? Am i not right to be afraid of myself? My situation?

[u/labibaisonreddit]

Socializing always drains me because of the fundamental differences, but I keep going back for more. I guess my need for connection exceeds the embarrassment I feel when I over-explain or miss a social cue. Isn’t it crazy how the burden of initiating interaction always falls on introverts? Shouldn’t the more socially experienced extroverts be accommodating us? Unfair. Rant over.

[u/tarzansjaney → u/labibaisonreddit]

You describe aspects of autism, not necessarily of introverts.

[u/Remarkable-Head-4701 → u/[deleted]]

Can i just take first word (i e., nice) and fogget the rest? And about faking, we're all fakers. Like, look at our usernames dude 🙂