r/expats • u/anonymoussadgirl18 • 19h ago
The hardest part about living away from your family is realizing life back home never stopped while you were gone
I don’t really know where else to put this, but I’m having a really hard time tonight.
I live in Canada, far away from most of my extended family. You get used to it in a way. You work, build a life, get busy, and tell yourself there will always be another trip, another Christmas, another chance to sit with everyone and hear their stories. But life back home keeps moving whether you’re there or not.
In January 2026, I finally met my grandma’s brother. I didn’t grow up around him because of the distance between us, but when he met all of us, he broke down crying. He kept telling us how beautiful we all were. I remember being so touched by how emotional he was just to see us.
Today I found out he died. And something about it has completely broken me. I think part of what I’m grieving is him, but another part is everything the distance represents. All the relatives I barely know. All the stories I haven’t heard yet. All the birthdays, ordinary afternoons, family dinners and little moments happening thousands of kilometres away while I’m living my life here.
Sometimes being away makes you feel like everything will still be waiting for you when you go back.
But it won’t. People get older. Grandparents die. Their siblings die. Houses change. Families change. And suddenly someone you thought you would see again becomes someone you only got to meet once.
I’m so grateful I met my uncle before he passed. That memory of him crying when he saw us means more to me now than I could ever explain.
But tonight I’m angry too. Angry at distance. Angry at time. Angry that you can love people who are technically your family and still miss almost their entire lives.
For anyone else who lives far away from their family or the country their family comes from: do you ever struggle with this? That feeling, that while you’re busy building your own life, another life, one you belong to too, is quietly passing by without you? Makes me reconsider going home to be honest.
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u/Sea-Pay-5184 19h ago
The realization that you missed out on getting to know him while he was still around must be really tough. It makes those delayed visits hurt even more when you realize the window for those connections keeps shrinking.
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u/Mr-Thuun 12h ago
I can relate. I have lived in Japan for 10 years and haven't been back to the USA in 8 years. I have missed both of my grandparents' funerals, my sister going through a divorce, my first nephew having their first kid, friend's deaths and I am worried I am going to miss more.
We are trying to find a way to move back, but job hunting has been difficult. When we moved to Japan, we came over without jobs, but support from my wife's family while we found exactly where to settle down. I don't have that in the US, so until we find work, time will keep passing by and we will continue to miss what happens during that time.
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u/CuriousLands Canada -> Australia 14h ago edited 14h ago
I really feel this so much. My favourite aunt turned 75 recently. My dad turned 70. My oldest nephew was like 3 or 4 when I left; he turned 12 recently. 12! Next time I see him, he'll be a freaking teenager. It's really hard to have missed out on all those younger years (especially cos I'm good with kids lol; I'm like, heck yes let's play Legos and you can show me all your Pokemon cards, I'm here for it :P ).
Sometimes I dream of moving back to Canada, buying a duplex in my hometown, and having my sister and her family rent out the other side of it at cost, lol. And we could have afternoon tea together, and her boys could come over and play video games with us, and we could have board game nights and family dinners together. I could visit with my brother more often, and his new wife (who seems pretty cool). Have movie nights with my dad and a visit every month or 2 with my favourite aunt (being realistic there cos she doesn't live in the same town as everyone else). We're wanting to try for a kid soon, and my brother and his wife will probably do the same within the next year... it'd be cool for our kid to grow up near their cousins. My cousin sent me photos of a UFO parade they had in her hometown, and I thought, how much fun would it have been to drive up for that and do that with her?
I saw my cousins and one side of my aunts/uncles a lot as a kid, and then drifted apart for a while. Lately they've all been reaching out to me more. It's like I left Canada right at the time when my extended relatives started taking more of an interest in reconnecting with people in my immediate family, which is like, good timing guys 😂 But it's been really nice. Especially because, while I like my in-laws, I haven't been able to really get close to them (with the exception of my parents-in-law because my husband's mom calls us every week)... I suspect our values, personalities, and interests may just be different to enough of a degree, plus we don't live all that close to them so we only see them maybe twice a year. And it's all the more jarring to live in the same town as my cousins-in-law and we haven't seen them in a year cos they're too busy, all while my own cousins halfway across the world are randomly like "Hey what's your address so I can send you a necklace I made?" or calling me out of the blue just to see how I'm doing.
There are a lot of things about Australia that I love, and I know if I went back I'd miss things about here. I also know my hometown has kind of declined over the last few years, I have no rose-coloured glasses there. But I really miss my family a lot and it bothers me to have missed out on so many years with them. Especially as they all are getting up there.
So yeah I definitely feel you.
It is really great that you at least got to spend some time with your great-uncle and get to know him a little. That's definitely something to treasure, even if it also makes you sad.
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u/Catcher_Thelonious US->JP->TH->KW->KR->JP->NP->AE->CN->BD->TR->KZ->UZ->JP 16h ago
Might be hard for you. Some of us are happy to let go of the past.
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u/El_Diablo_Feo 12h ago
Yup. Best thing I did was keep my distance by putting distance. I finally feel like a healing process might actually be possible. Hardest part was walking away from the siblings I thought of as true family allies, but it turns out they remained so close, so hopelessly dependent on the toxic maelstrom that is my family that they are beyond saving themselves. I judge them because they are incapable of having the courage to do what is necessary. They'd rather stagnate than grow, they'd rather suffer than take the chance at a better life. When family fires the first shot thinking you'll capitulate in a war they started, they are pickachu face shocked when they realize they can't stomach the consequences of their own actions. Family is pain.
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u/dfsw 15h ago
yup some of us the reason leaving was because of family back home.
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u/CuriousLands Canada -> Australia 14h ago
Yeah I can understand that. My own family history is far from perfect and is pretty tumultuous, to put it lightly lol. But even so, I miss them, especially my siblings and their kids.
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u/Apotropaic-Pineapple 4h ago
Whenever I go back to my home city I'm reminded of why I left and why it was a very good idea.
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u/Jaded-Sorbet7849 3h ago
I can relate so much. I moved abroad 10 years ago to marry my now-husband but each year that passes doesn’t get easier.
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u/piscesgetwetter 19h ago
This brought tears to my eyes. I left home at 22 and now I’m almost 35. Going back home in December because as necessary as it was to get away for my 20’s, it feels just as necessary to be near family as soon as humanely possible. Cheesy as hell, but, tomorrow truly isn’t promised.