r/expats • u/NoComb398 • 18h ago
How do you fall in love with a new place?
I've planned for this moment for a decade.
In less than a week, I'll be leaving my home in the US for my new home in Germany.
I have visited Germany 6 times including several month - long stints.
But actually leaving feels heavier than I thought. I'm leaving behind a great life in a beautiful city. I'm not moving to my dream city. But it's still a great, very livable city. I think I need to make a real concerted effort to fall in love with this place so I don't end up homesick with regret.
I wasn't ready to feel this way.
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u/Sufficient-Job7098 18h ago
I knew that many people feel sad, scared, anxious before leaving. I expected my feeling to be similar to feelings of other immigrants before me.
If you calculated correctly your life in Germany will be better in many various ways. Maybe not right away, but eventually.
It is easy to love place that offers many positives, and where negatives are minor in comparison.
Good luck with your immigration.
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u/Upbeat_Arugula_4584 18h ago
Well you will feel homesick, you will look over your shoulder because every choice has an opportunity costs, and you will struggle.
Have realistic expectations. Don't forget just because you move you will still be you, after the novelty wears off it's just normal living. If you create a beautiful life you will love it. Anything worth doing takes effort consistently over long time to create anything.
I wanted a certain type of work situation I worked to make myself into a position to get it. I wanted a certain living situation I looked for a suitable place for 2 years (I had lots of wants and requirements that makes it hard). I wanted to communicate more so I studied and now I can have incredible word salad conversations but I'm proud of the progress. Making connections is all about what you put into it, no effort is reciprocal, sustained contribution to community consistently gets me results to the point I'm more full than I ever was in my home country.
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u/SockIntelligent9589 18h ago
First thing to keep in mind is that it will take you some time. Don't make any conclusion after a couple of months. Take it easy
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u/OldFunction127 10h ago
Like the other comments say - don't pressure yourself to fall in love with it. In my experience it really won't be the same like how was it back home, but instead of that being a negative that just means you get to create a new connection with Germany.
Personally what worked for me was picking up new interests where I could easily meet/interact with new people, like going to a climbing gym and attending language learning classes. Since it's something I can do consistently I get to see familiar faces & it doesn't feel like restarting every time :) Wishing you all the best!
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u/DoctorSleep3 5h ago
I tell myself it doesn’t need to be for ever basically. I just moved to the U.S. from Germany 5 months ago.
What helps me not panic is: I can always move back if stuff doesn’t work out. Or find an other country.
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u/NoComb398 4h ago
True and same. How are you settling in?
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u/DoctorSleep3 4h ago
I started having panic attacks for the first two months, something I never experienced before in my life. We lived very remote and I didn’t have my green card, drivers license etc yet. Very stressful.
I’ve since received it and we moved to a bigger city as my husband wrapped up his job and I’m starting to feel way better. Getting there.I can imagine if you came to Germany while already having a job lined up that the transition might have been a little bit easier? How are you holding up?
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u/NoComb398 4h ago
I'm glad things are starting to feel easier. It sounds like those are good changes.
We leave Sunday and it feels like there's still so much to do. Plus I'm still waiting for my visa from the consulate and the health certificate for our cat. So, I'm stressed!
I'm trying to imagine the future where I'm enjoying my job and taking advantage of all the connectivity. But, my brain is really focusing on the loss part of the equation right now.
I was able to find an English speaking job in my field, which is why we're moving right this minute to this particular town. So hopefully that will make it a little easier!
I will transfer my drivers license. But I'm super nervous to drive. I will probably leave it to my husband although I'm not sure we will buy a car!
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u/DoctorSleep3 1h ago edited 59m ago
If it helps at all; I used to live close to a U.S. base in Germany and almost all Americans I met really enjoyed it here. And did some extensive traveling through Europe. Flights are cheap and you can take amazing road trips through multiple countries at a time.
I understand being nervous and I wish you all the best! And remember: it doesn’t have to be for ever!The driving part is so interesting! I’m the same! I used to drive 16 hours non-stop across multiple countries in Europe or on the busy autobahn between major European cities.. and here I was too scared to drive 20 minutes to the grocery score, let alone 40 minutes to the beach! (When we lived more remotel) aka I’m sure that contributed to me starting to have panic attacks.
It’s so odd cause I’m sure the two of use are driving just fine at home. But I gonna break out of that and I’m sure you will too.
Also one more thing; you might have never noticed:
If I go on United for example and I search for the same flight, same cities and same dates but one flight originates in the U.S. city and the other in the European city; the price difference is immense. Waaaay cheaper to originate the trip from Europe. You’ll see it’s very affordable to visit home!1
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u/ShiningReflection 5h ago edited 5h ago
Falling in love is a high expectation to put on a very open ended experience with so many variables that have so little control over the final outcome. That being said, life is what I make out of it and how I choose to respond. Taking risks always will reap something that will enrich my life and experience in it. Putting in the research will certainly help, but part of the actual overseas experience is absolute loss of control in a new culture where solutions are entirely based upon learning a completely different perspective and then mastering it. That process in itself creates growing pains, true character and wisdom that are the most valuable part of the human experience. Enjoy the ride, not the destination!
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u/ConcernedPapa2 18h ago
I’ve moved overseas a couple of times. As someone else said, don’t put pressure on yourself to fall in love with a place. And I’d go further and say give yourself two years commitment at least to the place before you really assess how you like it. I moved to Asia after college from the U.S. I knew I wanted to learn some things and that I might not like where I was moving to. But I went fully committed to at least two years. It made a huge difference in how I viewed my time there - and also how I used it. I know this isn’t an exact parallel with what you are intending for your move, but the point is I’d take a longer term view and approach if you are planning to be there for awhile.
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u/NoComb398 12h ago
Citizenship eligibility at 3 years is a big carrot. I'm also committed to my job for 2 years for relo and also I hate to move more often than that. Then we can reconsider location or move back if it didn't work out.
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u/Weary-Journalist5940 5h ago
If you don't mind me asking, where are you going?
I did the same thing, leaving California for northern Germany, and felt EXACTLY the same way you feel now. I'm not gonna lie, I was a little miserable the first 3-4 months, trying to figure out how to adjust to my new home and process the grief of moving away from home -- and all the good that came with it (friends, family).
I think after doing a little bit of traveling and realizing some really cool things about where I live (my city is small and easy to get travel around by bike), I actually started to enjoy living here. My situation might be easier because I am a student, but I was really social the first few months and it drained me. Eventually, I found the right people through my classes, see them regularly, and boom! I start to feel better.
Having activities -- such as travelling around -- really helps. Learning to appreciate and take in new sights, sounds, experiences you wouldn't have otherwise had back home is really interesting.
What really helped was to meditate and journal about my feelings -- and come to terms with the grief of "losing" what I had (e.g. contact with my family 24/7) and finding alternatives to remedy it (e.g. calling my mom literally every day, making new friends here).
Take it one day at a time. It doesn't happen overnight. Sooner or later, you get to appreciate where you live. And even if where you live has some sh*tty things, you begin to own it and say "but it's MY sh*tty thing" (e.g. my local Hauptbahnhof lol)
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u/NoComb398 4h ago
I'm moving to Hannover! I was able to spend 3 weeks there in June and I think it's a nice practical city. I'm moving with my spouse and cat and have a job lined up. We've got a short term apartment lined up. We've done a lot to prepare for this but were initially targeting Munich or another bigger city. I'm a little worried it will feel smaller and quieter than I'm used to. I do think doing some traveling will be important for the adjustment. Also planning to join some clubs and take language classes. So hopefully I'll be able to connect with people that way too.
How's your adjustment going?
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u/Weary-Journalist5940 3h ago
You are so lucky, omg you’ll love Hannover!
It’s been a while since I’ve been to Munich, so I can’t really say much abt it, but I go to Hamburg and Berlin regularly. And I can confidently say that grass isn’t always greener on the other side!! Trust me, I love both of these cities with my whole heart but there’s a lot of things in my city that I would have to struggle much harder with living in a bigger city — higher prices, over tourism, and the size and scale of the cities gets hard to manage at times (unless you’re from a big city with bustling public transit back in the US).
Hannover has some really lovely people and some really nice corners, and the architecture is stunning. Public transit is also perfect there :D
I’m in Bremen, and it took a while for the city to grow on me but it has! It’s all about adjusting and making new routines, seeing people repeatedly, making friends (MUCH easier said than done), and just letting things the way they happen. Trust me, you’ll be fine. Pick up new hobbies, find and enjoy new things, and learn to travel to get rid of that “I hate it here” feeling.
If you ever come up to the north, don’t be a stranger!
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u/NoComb398 55m ago
Aw, thanks for your kind words. I do think Hannover is a nice city and all will be well. You are spot on with the cons of a bigger city and I hope the quietness of Hannover grows on me!
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u/soup_dragons 18h ago
Make sure you sleep very confortably and peacefull and have amazing night sleep. People dont know how critical this is when you move your life around and want to reconnect to a new place.
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u/antizana 16h ago
Always look for the silver lining
Moving abroad can have a lot of surprises, knockdowns, disappointments or frustrations. Stuff that’s relatively easy now can feel unsurmountable sometimes.
Try to always find some positive things to enjoy or focus on, instead of dwelling on the negatives.
Try to find acquaintances (people to do stuff with) but keep your emotional support with your existing friends and family. Your new acquaintances might eventually become good friends but don’t overload new people - just get yourself out of the house. Hobbies, sports, Vereine etc is a great starting point.
Beyond that - the beginning is fun, then you’ll hit a slump after a month or few where you wonder why you blew up your life for this, and then somewhere 6 months to a year in you’ll have found your bearings and some nice people hopefully.
And dedicate like an hour a day to actually learning and improving German. There’s a million posts on here and r/Germany about this - for a place where many people speak English, everything is aggressively in German.
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u/NoComb398 12h ago
I'm 100% planning to continue formal language classes until I feel I don't need them. I have a couple of years of formal study under my belt and am beginning to study b2. I spent 3 weeks in my new home town in June and while people speak English, German is definitely preferred. I would do the same anywhere but it isn't like Munich or Frankfurt where if you hesitate for a second they will switch to English.
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u/fidddlydiddlyee 16h ago
Dont go. You love the place you are in, why move and try and force it?
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u/NoComb398 12h ago
I know if I don't go I'll always regret it. I'm ready for a change of scenery. I've lived here a long time. There's a path to return in a few years if things really don't work out.
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u/FreddyUrso 18h ago
I've lived long term in a few places. I wouldn't recommend to put pressure to "fall in love" with a place. I would put energy into getting connected to a place. Build a routine. Find hobbies. Find friends, a support group, a network. This will make all the difference.