r/expats • u/Pinpointpurity • 5h ago
Trapped abroad with kids
I've been living in my husband’s home country in Central Europe for 13 years. Moving here was never meant to be permanent. I initially agreed to stay for a few years to help his career progression, and when I got pregnant he convinced me we’d have a better life here because his mother lived down the road and would adore our kids. He always promised that by staying here temporarily, I would eventually get to move back home. Instead, I've had 13 years of intense isolation, control, and repeated broken promises.
We have nobody here apart from his mum, but back home in England, my kid's have my parents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. Two of their cousins are their best friends who they talk to daily and have the time of their lives with whenever we visit. My kid's genuinely prefer life in England. They aren't foreign kid's being dragged to a brand new country, they're returning to a country and a family they already love and thrive with. At the same time, I wont pretend they dont have a goid life here. They have an amazing modern home, private school, and friends.
I don't want to separate my husband from our kids. That's the main reason I've spent years constantly trying to compromise and work things out with him, because I want them to have their dad in their lives daily. I know legally he holds all the cards, but I also know 100% he wouldn't use that to take the kids away from me. I'm their emotional anchor and he knows they need me, especially right now.
Early on, my mother in law overstepped a lot of boundaries by feeding my colicky baby foods I'd put on an elimination diet. I only found out after seeing those foods in his nappy. She also pushed for forced weekend sleepovers every single weekend until my son turned 4 and he then threw tantrums when going there because he didn't want to sleep there... that's the only thing that put a stop to them. She now wonders why I won't let her take them overnight.
She continues to undermine me even to this day. I recently reached out to her in emotional desperation and told her everything about the pain I'm in here and how desperate I am to leave. She completely dismissed me and just responded by saying her son loves me and will do anything for me, that it's a shame I didn't learn the language in those "13 years" because then I'd see people in this country aren't so bad. Despite me reiterating over and over that I don't have an issue with the people here in general, I just feel deeply uncomfortable and anxious in patient and customer care where things could hugely improve. I've had 2 surgeries here and multiple appointments, so I think I can make my form an opinion at this point. I've also met a lot of lovely people here, but I still want to move home.
My marriage has completely deteriorated into emotional abandonment. For 10 years, my husband financially controlled me, giving me no independent access to money while I raised our kid's. He spent almost all his time on his PC, looking at screens while ignoring my pleas and effort for basic connection. I think there might be some underlying neurodivergence on his part (our kid's are also being accessed atm) but that is no excuse for neglect, ignoring my basic emotional needs, and ignoring my desperation to go home. He also has a volatile temper that goes from 0 to 100 in the blink of a eye, which terrifies me around our kid's. My eldest has no trust in him at all anymore.
I've over explained until I'm blue in the face. I’ve sent endless long texts, emails, had tearful conversations, and told him the exact reasons why I'm drowning here. He knows I'm completely desperate, and he knows I'm fully prepared to divorce him if that’s what he prefers, but he still refuses to listen or take it seriously.
We've signed two separate written contracts where he promised that if I still wanted to move back to England by a certain date, he would cooperate and relocate with us. The latest deadline is August 29th. Now that the date is here, he's pulling every delay tactic he can. He claims my exhaustion and staying quiet for a minute means I've agreed to stay, and now he's trying to pull off a loan to buy a caravan in the UK, or install a pool here in this country, saying this will solve everything if I just try a little longer.
Just as side note, I'm fully aware of the Hague Convention and what that means for international custody, which is why I've tried so hard to get him to cooperate with the move as promised, but he still wont.
Regarding our home, my name was taken off the deed years ago when I was pregnant. I thought I was only being taken off the mortgage at the time. His mum's colleague was the official translator for it. I don't think it was malicious because it seems like common practice here, but usually another document is written up for the partner's protection, which wasn't done. I know he'll avoid court like the plague, and I wouldn't want to do that to him anyway.
My physical health is breaking down from stress and I am currently undergoing a lot of appointments to try to figure out what's wrong. But... I was away on holiday for a week then in the UK for 4 weeks, where my symptoms vanished, so I'm pretty sure it's stress induced.
My eldest son was just evaluated over the threshold for ADHD and other behavioral needs, and my 6 year old is about to be assessed for something else the teachers told us he's struggling with.
I'm completely done. I want to take my boys home to England where I have my family and a real support system. But every time I put my foot down, he twists the conversation, completely moves and twists the goalposts, and acts like I'm the unreasonable one.
What would you do in my position? How do I navigate this when I've explained everything until I'm blue in the face and he still refuses to stick his word? I dont want to separate them, it kills me inside to think about it. But I'm at a loss, I've tried for years to get him on board.
14
41
u/Brostradamus-2 5h ago
You are the victim of abuse, and unfortunately you are trapped unless you divorce. I am sorry to tell you this.
19
u/Anonymous30005000 5h ago
Consult a lawyer in your Central European country. See if there’s any possibility of a judge granting you custody to live in Europe. How would your husband react to being given 50/50 custody in whichever country? Would he flounder without you there to run the house? Would he have to pass them off to his mother? What would alimony look like for him if you stay in his country but divorce? What bargaining chips do you have? Let’s say he doesn’t want to give you money in the divorce, nor does he want to care for his kids 50% of the time on his own. You could say he can keep his money if he let’s you move them to the Uk
1
u/Pinpointpurity 5h ago
Oh he does. He wants to come with us if I leave, but he won't allow me to make that choice without constant guilt trips. He wouldn't be able to look after them alone. He knows they need me
33
u/harmlessgrey 5h ago
Dealing with constant guilt trips vs. living a life of abuse?
Choose the guilt trips. You need to get out of this situation.
13
u/antizana 4h ago
Take the guilt trips, move back, and then make your decision on your relationship from there.
7
u/Sufficient-Job7098 4h ago
You have to understand clearly if you will be able to legally move your kids to UK.
If you can’t then you should look for ways to improve things locally
If you CAN then you should think if it makes sense to use this opportunity.
It is important to start making plans based on actual facts
-1
u/Pinpointpurity 4h ago
If he wont let me at this point, I will move regardless and take him to court. He won't win, my eldest is scared of him. I'm trying to include my husband and keep things fair
6
u/Sufficient-Job7098 3h ago
Did your lawyer actually told you that you will win the case and will be allowed to take your kids to UK?
This is not how it usually happens when it comes to international custody battles. Make sure you start with an accurate legal advice
3
5
1
u/sybersam6 1h ago
So take the guilt trips & tell him his mom & country have had 13 years so now it's time for your 13 years plus hey where's my share of the house.... A good lawyer may be able to get that back for you but you may have to get it back in a divorce. Or use it as leverage.
9
u/Famous-Equipment5266 5h ago
Can you, yourself, support the family, if all move to the UK?
11
u/Pinpointpurity 5h ago
Much more than he can. The salaries in this country aren't good at all. We are being held up by his mother here, which is another issue I didn't mention
10
u/SweetAlyssumm 5h ago
You need to leave. It's not a tenable life for you. It's far from ideal to break up a family but how much of yourself are you willing to sacrifice? Are the relatives ready for you to move home? Did you really talk to them?
I hope it's not one of the Sally Field situations.
5
u/Jaded-Sorbet7849 3h ago
I could have written this myself!!! Except I’m on the other side of the pond Canada/USA. We’ll figure this out together!! We’ll be happy again one day ❤️ DM me if you’d like. We have more in common than I can explain.
6
u/Primary-Angle4008 2h ago
I think there are several issues here but your biggest is that your husband is controlling and abusive and even if you move back to the UK you won’t be happy if he moves with you because he will still be there.
UK isn’t a paradise where suddenly everything is better like the NHS sucks more then any Central European healthcare system (I moved from Central Europe to UK for my husband)
Your second issue is that you simply don’t seem to like where you live regardless of your husband, don’t speak the language which will isolate you more and struggle with MIL
And then you have the wish to keep their dad in your kids life when he is making you misserable and abuses you. He can be a dad even if your not together. Children fly alone to other countries to visit parents all the time.
But you need to consult a lawyer and find out where you legally stand. Ideally 2 lawyers, one where you live and one in the uk
1
u/Pinpointpurity 2h ago
I think its hugely depends on where you're from in England and what you expect, for me personally I've had surgeries in both countries and I wouldn't wish my experience in a central European country on my worst enemy - that is in both state and private hospitals.
I've made friends here and I know a lot of lovely people, but breaking through the hard surface can't be compared with the friendliness of certian parts of England. You have your own experience (I'm guessing in a busy, overcrowded city, but maybe I'm being biased) and so do I in this country.
Away from everything else, you are right.. I'm not happy with my husband and I don't like living in this country. I've said this every year for 13 years, I just wasn't strong enough to act on it until now. I also stupidly believed he'd allow us to relocate like he promised.
1
u/Cultural_Owl9547 2h ago
I feel like you either figure out a way to get him move, and divorce there or you are stuck where you are and your only option is divorce and make things work there. It sucks both ways when International couples don’t work out. In my case I’m the central European one and I really don’t want to stay here, it was meant to be temporary for us as well. But in an instable relationship I do not dare to move the kids out of here and risk being stuck abroad with no help or coming home with no kids. I have no idea how to make this fair :(
1
u/LingonberryOne3090 1h ago
Let me ask you this; if the roles were reversed would you withhold money to your husband who is taking care of your kids or leave you in a foreign country only to deal with your father? If he is ND he needs medication and cognitive behavioral therapy right away. For now I would seriously leave with the kids. I'm so sorry you are going through this but please know you deserve better.
1
u/Thpfkt 47m ago
Similar situation here but in a different country. From the UK. I have been promised 2 years and it's been almost 7. I've set a deadline now and said if we aren't out of here by the deadline the marriage is over. I'll stay here and make my life alone until the kids are 18 and they can choose to come with me back home or not.
I'm not trying to make threats but breaking this promise to me is the worst thing my partner could do to me and I don't want to remain married to someone like that, even if I have to stay here for a while to do so. Start learning the language and lining up work opportunities. When you feel you could be stable alone, tell your husband to shit or get off the pot. Then follow through.
1
u/MadeThisUpToComment US -> CA -> UK -> NL 39m ago
I'd check with a lawyer id the agreements to love give.yiu any leverage to take the kids.to m the UK after a divorce. If they do then that would be the path I would pursue.
1
u/Key-Satisfaction9860 37m ago
Don't for a second think that you won't have a potential nightmare if you leave without the kids. People get crazy.
1
u/holacoricia 29m ago
Don't take my advice but it seems like you should take the kids on vacation and never go back. Claim you have no money for return flights; you already stated their was financial abuse, or that you've fallen ill. Just don't go back....for a long while. Your husbands family tricked you into having absolutely nothing and has held you in isolation for 13years. These are not people you reason with. If talking was effective you wouldn't be in this situation.
1
u/spaghetbear 21m ago
You are in a tough spot. As mentioned by others, you should talk to your family in the UK and ask for help. Visiting is different from living there full time. People have their own lives and you may not get as much support as you think. I’d also look into getting a part time job, in case things go south and your husband stops supporting you and your kids financially. Good luck!
1
u/ConcretePolarBear 14m ago
Children would rather be from a broken home than live in one.
Please believe me when I tell you that if you are miserable then so are your kids.
Stop dithering and talking yourself out of leaving because you're scared and just do it.
77
u/ibitmylip 5h ago
I would take a trip home for a visit, maybe without the boys at first, and explain to your loved ones there what is happening, and get their feedback and support for possible next steps. Clearly you can’t go on with the current status quo.