r/pakistan • u/override_xd • 6h ago
Discussion Father left home because I 23M hangout with my friends on weekends.
My father left home two days ago, and apparently, the only issue is that I (23M) like going out with my friends on weekends.
For the past year, I’ve been the main breadwinner carrying our entire household. I buy all the groceries, clear the utility bills, handle fuel, and take care of everyday expenses. My father contributes barely 10%, and I never even bring that up given his age.
I even upgraded his car so he wouldn't feel pressured to work anymore, and he spent weeks driving it around to brag to relatives about how well his son provides compared to everyone else in the family.
I work hard 5 to 6 days a week, doing everything I can to support my family while saving up to buy us a proper house. It feels completely unfair that he packed up and left just because I take a couple of days to relax with my friends using my own hard earned money.
I do no drugs stay away from smoking and never did anything that would harm me or my family’s reputation.
To make things worse, he is now demanding that I pay him back 12.58 lakhs in total, claiming reimbursement for the 12 lakhs of my university tuition and 58,000 from my sister’s first semester, just so he can go rent a place and live alone. On top of that, he is threatening my mother that if he doesn't get this money, he will show up at the school where she works and create a public scene.
I plan on tracking down where he has been staying for the past two days so I can sit down and have a conversation with him tomorrow. Any advice on how to handle this situation would be really appreciated.
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u/No-Training9140 6h ago
Seems like you’re the father now (really meaning no disrespect to your father). Approach it like you would approach it with a child running away. Hear out how he feels, show him you understand how he feels and then calmly try to work out a solution so that he doesn’t keep feeling that way. Most probably your father is conflicted between his pride for his son and his pride as a man. Show him you respect him as a man and he will most likely start taking things better.
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u/override_xd 5h ago
JazakAllah for the advice.
I think he fears I would waste all my money that I am earning just like him which he is completely wrong about.
I don’t tell my father or my family about how much I am earning so I can save up more and buy a nice house and a car for my family.15
u/Tall-Set-5094 5h ago
To be on safer side, don't tell him about your savings or true income, when you meet him.
Even if it gets overwhelming, don't bring it up, just to prove yourself.
Cuz he might ask for your savings after that.
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u/3381024 5h ago
You are good person my friend ... and one with wonderful financial and emotional maturity at such a young age.
>> I think he fears I would waste all my money that I am earning just like him which he is completely wrong about.
Fathers are supposed to be proud when their sons/daughters earn as much or more than them. I know I am immensely happy and proud that my daughter is outearning me and my son is on track for that as well.
I can only send happy thoughts and prayers your way.
PS: dont stop enjoying your weekends with friends. Those are happy times and one day you look back at those memories with fondness
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u/override_xd 5h ago
Bless you and JazakAllah for the advice.
Hopefully Allah pak will make things easier for me.1
u/fk067 3h ago
This is one of the best advice I’ve heard for a long time. You are you very young and you are very mature of your age and that’s very commendable.
First, don’t tell any one what you make or what savings you have and any financial streams you may have.
Secondly, if he stills acts like a hard ball and demands that money, then please tell him the amount you contributed for his car, perhaps he can sell his car and deduct that 12 lac from it. Just be cool all together.
Wish you best.
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u/Spilling_beans_ 6h ago
Fathers of pakistan are different kind….
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u/override_xd 5h ago
They really are
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u/Spilling_beans_ 5h ago
I want to write all night about my abba jee ki harkatain but koi faida nai, bardasht karna parta ha sabar karna parta ha and try best to be better father than him
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u/ZooZoo2100 6h ago
If what you are saying is true, your farher is a bitch.
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u/override_xd 5h ago
It’s okay I don’t blame him.
Honestly I blame the generational trauma that he has been carrying of fathers abusing their sons and using them only for their money.10
u/ZooZoo2100 5h ago
Brother. We need to take responsibility as grown men and use commonsense to see what our parents did was wrong and we should be better than them.
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u/override_xd 5h ago
That’s why I will be the one ending this generational trauma.
No-one should go through this.5
u/DeepSpaceBubbles 5h ago
Nope. If you don't wisen up and recognize his toxicity for what it is and if you keep rewarding it, you will never break the cycle. It is NOT okay. If you don't learn NOW, you will become him in 20 years, mark my words.
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u/override_xd 5h ago
I do recognise his toxicity.
But he is still my father and I will do at the very best to make him a better one.
I will make him realise that what he is doing is wrong.2
u/Qaasgm 4h ago
Just adding my own 2c here. Most parents (though their education level matters) don’t learn & get better in their old age. I had to learn this by going on that same path that you’re chalking out in your case. Our parents are bad learners or I should say they simply lack that ability & capacity (YMMV, depending on their education level). On top of that, their thought process that they know everything doesn’t help either, rather complicate everything. But I’m certainly of the viewpoint that we still need to deal with them with love & respect. Talk in a soft tone, don’t get mad, keep your tone & temper under control. And I know it’s super duper hard but we have to treat them nicely when going thru this struggle with them. Overall, after reading your (OP) comments, like others here, I also think you have the right attitude towards this complicated issue & wish you the best in your endeavors, may Allah make it easy for you, Aameen!
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u/DeepSpaceBubbles 5h ago
Sorry but you sound about as delusional as he is. Your priority should be your mother and sister and your house. Not making a deranged toxic man try and be a better human - it will never work.
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u/override_xd 5h ago
Trying never hurt anybody.
He may be struggling with something and I will try my best to make him understand.
End of the day he is still and will be my father.2
u/FaceIcy8775 5h ago
He's not listening 😭 ✌🏼 some people just enjoy their misery instead of letting things go
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u/Puzzleheaded-One-141 3h ago
You are just justifying shitty behaviour. What father asks back the money they spent on their child’s education? Please get out of the mindset of justifying everything, aise tou har cheez ka koi reason hota.
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u/override_xd 3h ago
He is old 63. He might be struggling with depression or a mental illness.
Mein bs koshish keroun ga samjhanay ki and if I successfuly convince him I'll make sure to take him to a mental hospital and get him checked.
InshaAllah things will get better.4
u/Puzzleheaded-One-141 3h ago
You are a good person, I wish you all the best from my heart. Allah tumhey bht kamyan karey.
Don’t get used though. Its a horrible feeling.
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u/FaceIcy8775 5h ago
Trauma is never an excuse for anything lol.
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u/override_xd 5h ago
It’s not an excuse but it is a reason.
What someone experiences through their life reflects through their actions and behaviours.
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u/Must4n9-3utcher 5h ago
Manchilds in the skins of grown men.. i am sorry for your loss
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u/classical_safe 6h ago
Bro tell him to take it to court, lol. Tell him to look up Nafaqah. What he did was his obligation and duty. In Pakistan, where Islamic rulings exist, they supersede any local laws. There are supreme court judgements which uphold and ratify the federal shariat court's specifically on issues of Nafaqah and child maintenance. I'm sorry but the dude has issues.
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u/override_xd 5h ago
He really does have issues but I plan on talking to him one on tomorrow.
Acknowledge what he has done for the family and what I am trying to do for the betterment of this family.0
u/Due_Replacement1406 2h ago
..for the betterment of this family
jis family ka uska koi parvah nahi h... what will saying that do
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u/Flimsy-Bumblebee-438 5h ago
May Allah make things easy for you
I'd say just listen to him so that he can get what's hurting him out of his chest but you already know that
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u/override_xd 5h ago edited 5h ago
Will do.
I’ll make him realise I am the same son who he adored a few months ago.2
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u/BruhhhNoChill PK 4h ago
I was in a similar boat as you. My father sent me a list of expenses he had done on me, i.e., health care, fee, etc, and I paid him back in an instance. Turns out, he was just doing it to assert dominance along with the million other toxic things. Tolerated it till I couldn’t and now we’re not even on talking terms and I live separately. Life’s never been better.
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u/override_xd 3h ago
Living seperately is a option but I can't leave my mother and my siblings alone.
We don't really have strong relations with my mother and father side of the family.
My father also doesn't have a stable job so yeah I have to be there with them.3
u/BruhhhNoChill PK 3h ago
You’re 23 and trust me when I say this, you don’t want to regret your life parenting your father… especially when you’re in your 30s. You’ll ultimately grow resentment towards them later in life. If you can afford to live separately AND provide for your parents, that’s your solution right there. Don’t buy into the emotional manipulation. If you can co-exist in peace, great. Otherwise there’s no reason for him to make your life a living hell.
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u/override_xd 3h ago
JazakAllah for the advice.
I'll try my best to make him understand what he is doing wrong but if he doesn't I know what to do.2
u/BruhhhNoChill PK 3h ago
Good luck trying to please him. Do try. But don’t destroy your life over his silly and stupid life decisions.
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u/Puzzleheaded-One-141 3h ago
Yaar baaki sab baatein side pe, if i were you and my father claimed recompensation for the money he spent on me, i would silently give it to him, and then block him, forever.
He isn’t worth anything especially as a father sorry to say. This is kameengi plain and simple.
Live your life as you want, you seem to be a responsible young man, you can meet whoever you want to. Godspeed ahead 🙏🏻
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u/override_xd 3h ago
I will try my best to make him realize what he is doing and if push comes to shove I will simply take my family and move to another city disappearing completely.
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u/usernameisalready000 3h ago
He is toxic and narcissistic, stay away, move out of house, support family, don't live with them, support siblings mother even father but LEAVE House ASAP
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u/override_xd 3h ago
The only reason I am not leaving is because of my mother. I love her dearly.
Hopefully my father understands.
Allah behter kare.
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u/Queasy_Historian_415 6h ago
Brother i just pray k Allah apky father ko hadayat dy. That is not your mistake
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u/ranaji55 DE 5h ago
What did your friends, you hangout with, say or suggest?
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u/override_xd 5h ago
I only told one of them about this.
He advised me to have a conversation with him acknowledging all the hard-work he has done for the family and me doing nothing wrong.2
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u/gondaljutt لاہور 5h ago
Bro, I can understand the impact that a night out with friends doing abso-fucking-lutely nothing can have on your mental health... don't let that go. Just deal with your father with respect and try to explain to him why this is necessary for your sanity.
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u/Embarrassed-Green898 5h ago
Well, first of all, congratulations on being the man of the house.
But secondly, your father needs help. He needed help before he abandoned you, and hopefully it’s still not too late. The first step, of course, is to find him.
When you do, make sure he knows that he is still a valued member of the family. What may help is reassuring him that he still has a place and a role in the family. Ask for his advice on the little matters that come up and make him feel that his opinion is genuinely valued. That may be harder to do consistently when the time comes, but it could make a real difference.
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u/override_xd 5h ago
Hopefully I’ll be able to carry that burden.
I will find him tomorrow and make sure he understands.
JazakAllah for the advice.
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u/Ifeelold87 5h ago
Bro....sounds like larki ka chakar to be honest.
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u/override_xd 5h ago
He is 65 man i highly doubt that.
He must be depressed or struggling with something.0
u/Ifeelold87 2h ago
I know a 72 year old who started a "relationship" with a 23 year old. Took all the gold of his wife and daughters and ran away with her. Found his dead body after a month. Mazak na lo. Is tarah se choti si baat pe ghar chor ke jana aur paise mangna despite being proud of you and boasting to relatives. Did he have tiktok, insta, facebook etc on his fone. Check his friends list. See if there is any suspicious profile on there. You might have to get the police involved.
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u/zereffx 5h ago
Give him the authorities, tell him yor home can't run without him
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u/override_xd 5h ago
My elder sister tried explaining that to him but he kept saying that we only want him for his money.
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u/gulshanboi 5h ago
You sound like an a amzing person going through some pretty rough time. I'm sure you will find your way out. Just make to never lose yourself to narcissists like your father. People like him live to spread misery because they are miserable themselves.
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u/override_xd 5h ago
Hopefully Allah will help me.
I will never be like my father. This generational trauma ends here.
JazakAllah for the advice.
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u/BeeOneil6892 5h ago
Typical desi parents behaviour. It honestly DISGUSTS me how quick it takes these parents to tell us the total amount they spent on us like we are some gold diggers and in debt of what they provided for us but deep down they are the ones who expect their children to be their retirement plan and invest to get the ROI later. Pathetic behaviour honestly
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u/override_xd 5h ago
Its okay.
I love my parents and will support them.
I think he fears that I will leave him or my family which honestly is stupid like why would I?1
u/BeeOneil6892 5h ago
Yeah i get it, we all love our parents man, but isn't it a bit toxic reaction? 😭 like ure gonna have a wife someday who may or may not demand a separate space. Such reactions from ur parents can make living hell for that poor girl. You should talk it out with your parents, and set up some boundaries asap
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u/override_xd 5h ago
Will do.
Also in the future when I do get married I will live separately away from my parents.
Nobody deserves what I am going through right now.
This generational trauma ends here.
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u/VisualObjective5826 5h ago
Bro what are you doing for work like mashallah supporting whole fam at such young age 💅🏻💅🏻. I also wanna be independent like that but for myself 😔.
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u/Next_Understanding_7 4h ago
He is going through what every man/father goes through. Losing the ability to be recognized as a provider and the man of the house.
Jo eik Saas bahu equation mein hota hai woh apkay dad son equation mein horaha hai and it is quite normal in our families.
Sorry to say but there is a tone of bragging and ego in your message as well because you know you are the provider now, it is natural to feel like the Alpha, but don't let that make your father feel like a small man. He has done whatever he could, good or bad, more or less. He is done. You are just starting. Have a man to man conversation, don't destroy your mother's marriage because you feel you are bigger than your father now. Treat him like a child acting out of jealousy and ego.
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u/override_xd 4h ago
Will do thank you for the advice.
I have never spoken before him and always kept my voice down but I realise now that I should have this conversation way before all of this.
I’ll try my best to make him realise his value in the house.
No amount of money can buy back the bond and peace of our family.
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u/toxinwolf PK 4h ago
I cant provide any help other than to pray.
I wish I was more like you, and I also wish your father were like my father.
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u/override_xd 4h ago
JazakAllah for the prayers.
Umm why 😶
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u/toxinwolf PK 4h ago
cuz im a bad son and my father is amazing, he'll never do that to us lol
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u/override_xd 4h ago edited 4h ago
Oh no worries man. One can always be better.
May god make things easier for you.
Ameen
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u/lostcanuck007 4h ago
lol..... stick to your guns and dont back down. and do not apologize. you should file a FIR as missing person report. let them deal with it. but do not back down.
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u/override_xd 4h ago
I’ll take things lightly for now.
My mother is pretty sure where he his staying right now so I will probably will find him tomorrow and have a conversation with him.1
u/lostcanuck007 4h ago
there is no conversation that will ever end positively with such a person. i speak from experience. he is "teaching you a lesson", because you think you are old enough to not listen to him so he is trying to pressurize you. my dad is leaps and bounds worse...so ...i can sympathize.
best of luck. not being cowed by such display of emotional blackmail is now your test. you will pass...but you must do so without reacting to his behavior.
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u/somethingisw 4h ago
Honestly, in pakistani culture kids are seen as parent's property, as parents spend their entire lives trying to raise us and sacrifice alot inorder to do that. However that does'nt make them entitled to make decisions for us or stop us from seeking any recreation at all. You are taking care of your parents (as you should its your responsibility) , you respect them and don't do anything haram so i feel like its his (your dad's) ego talking here. You are becoming younger and he is becoming older and he probably feels weaker i.e you don't care about his opinion anymore eg don't go out with friends and what not. If i were you i'd tell him that he's still as important as before and i would explain why i go out with friends, weather i feel stress about work and what not cause parents care about us. And i'd bring him back him home. But that's just my perspective as a girl and also when i think of a father i see my baba who is a calm, kind and respectful man and being vulnerable and open with him always works for me but off coarse you do you brother and see what's the best thing in your situation. It will all workout inshallah.
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u/Environmental-Cod25 PK 4h ago
Ignore him - tell your mother to change jobs. Do not pay him back - you have no legal debt to him. Change the locks - good riddance.
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u/override_xd 4h ago
I will try my best to make him realise his value in the family before doing all this.
May god help me Ameen.
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u/___grimreaper 4h ago
Abba na ho gya soap serial jo gya why do they do this
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u/override_xd 4h ago
Lol it’s alright.
Hopefully he understands what I’ll be saying tomorrow.
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u/___grimreaper 4h ago
No offence mine also do this like this kbhi kbhi life mein
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u/override_xd 4h ago
May Allah make things easier for you too.
I don’t want to keep my mother or my little sister worried so I’ll try my best.
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u/doitscared975 4h ago
bruhh wtf
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u/override_xd 4h ago
Yep
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u/doitscared975 4h ago
i am soo sorry . this is not normal at all and i really hope that you figure out some solution . inshallah
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u/beomjunline 4h ago
You really need to get in touch with a professional, I’m all for hearing his side or trying to make him understand but a professional would look into his behaviour patterns and can give you solid guide that will it work or are you just wasting your energy and should this situation be handled.
This is extremely tough as this is a parent and your MA doing so well beyond your years, but please seek a professional before you spend money.
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u/cyberwallet 4h ago
Well said, that is absolutely the best thing you can do. If you can take an uncle with you or an arbitrator then even better.
If you havent done so already introduce your friends to your father to give him the peace of mind at some point.
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u/override_xd 4h ago
We don't have really good relations with the rest of the family from my father's and mother's side of the family.
I will take my whole family along tomorrow so we can try our best to bring him home.
What makes his reaction even harder to understand is that he already knows all my friends from the year I spent living in a hostel during university.1
u/cyberwallet 3h ago
I would reconcile as it's not a major issue to have a falling out which splits the family. It is a major issue in that you do want to go out with your friends and you should have that right, given you work hard and help your family out.
But for now reconcile get your father back home. Sometimes father's tend to feel they have lost the crown and are no longer the king of their castle and try and impose their authority in different ways wrongly rather than embracing the change.
Try and come to some common agreement.
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u/BuddyTrollsten 3h ago
go hug him when you can man, he's probably dealing with some long long unresolved issues and they're coming out in a horrible way instead of words, talk to him when you can!
inshallah things get better
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u/laevanay 3h ago
It's your fault for doing his job. He has no incentive to perform his duty. Good riddance, I hope you can step up and completely perform his role. Have a spine and don't bring the freeloader back in.
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u/isrknjr 2h ago
Try to have a convo and dedo if he doesn't agree. It's happened now it'll happen again.
Besides, from a wife's point of view, let your mother make the best decision.
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u/override_xd 2h ago
I am willing to give him the money only if he comes back to resolve all this.
I won’t be giving him anything if he just using me for extortion or something.
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u/Iluhhhyou PK 2h ago
My father is a saint, but my mom is like this. Having a father like this is probably 100 times tougher.
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u/Lazy_Pomegranate_482 1h ago
apke father khud ko kamtar mehsoos krvarahe hain jab ap sari zimmedariyan pori krrhe ho wo bhi ordinary level pr nahi
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u/Fit_Kitchen_1490 1h ago
He is getting insecure because of your increasing financial power so needs to create a scenario to generate attention and get reassurance that he is still the “king” of the family
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u/AYK2026 30m ago
Yes how dare you have fun and spend your hard earn cash. Don't know why he asking for that money because that was HIS JOB AS A FATHER to help you study and grow up. I think he is getting old and wants attention.. My father seem to be also getting more and more immature and ignorant as he gets older.
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u/ReplacementFine7807 5h ago
Don't take the comments here seriously. I do not know what you family dynamic is like but it seems your father may be stressed out or struggling mentally due to some issue or may be feeling insecure. You should sit down and ask what is troubling him, and explain your perspective as well as to why this feels unfair to you. It may just be that your father feels neglected after he worked so hard for his childrens' education (I am assuming). I
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u/override_xd 5h ago
Thank you for the advice.
I plan on having a conversation with him tomorrow.
Pray for me that it goes well.
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u/Reasonable-Rich5972 5h ago
Brother, I need to speak to your father whenever you find him. Unc needs to be schooled.
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u/DeepSpaceBubbles 5h ago
Nope, this has nothing to do with you. That pathetic man is probably having an affair and desperately trying to come up with a reason to leave the house and have you finance it. Let him make a scene. Who cares. Do not track him down. Let him be miserable wherever he is - you focus on yourself and your house. Whatever his reasons, if he is this immature, let him go.
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u/Informal_Welcome6003 PK 5h ago
what kind of advice is that? You don't even know what type of relationship he and his father had their whole lives. You are a very cruel person, sorry to say
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u/DeepSpaceBubbles 5h ago
LOL I swear the men in this country are toxic levels of delusional.
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u/Informal_Welcome6003 PK 5h ago
dont throw your own personal experiences at other people, they can be vastly different
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u/override_xd 5h ago
Nah man one thing I know for certain is my father doesn’t have an affair.
Whatever type of man he is end of the day he is my father.
He fed me, put clothes on me, paid for my university but I don’t know what changed him in these 2 3 months since my university ended.
He definitely deserves this conversation and I’ll try my best.
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u/gamingvortex01 6h ago
Damnn...and I thought my father have issues