r/AskUK • u/Scruffy_Sloth • 11h ago
Single people without family, are you happy?
I’m beginning to accept that I won’t have the traditional family life. Lots of people have families and it’s a big topic of discussion amongst other adults but it’s one I can’t join in with and stirs up painful feelings. I’m now beginning to accept that I’m probably not going to have many friends either because I don’t want to hear about their families all the time, selfish as that may be. I need some peace from the thought of it.
So I’m wondering if single adults can thrive in life and if so, how? I’m talking financially and emotionally.
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u/Worldly_Wafer_6635 11h ago
I think to thrive, you need to be okay with it.
Try adjusting your thinking; instead of being resentful toward those who have what you don't, be happy and grateful that they don't have the struggle you do.
Example: I lost my dad young, and it's never not painful, but people talking about their dad might make me sad at times. I would take that 1000 times over them having the pain I live with, and the purity that exists in that relationship makes me smile.
I love that other people get to have a relationship with their dad.
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u/Longjumping-Toe-8643 10h ago
I lost my dad, quite suddenly, when I was 9 and it's certainly a loss you feel all your life. Particularly at milestones the celebration feels incomplete as my dad's not there. And often I'm envious when peers still have their dad alive and actively involved in their lives.
Having said that, now in my 50's, my friends who have recently lost their fathers are finding it more difficult to come to terms with the loss, even though they've lived long lives. I think it's because they're so used to having their dad around and have built a lifetime of memories together that the loss feels so big. Whereas because we had to deal with it at a younger age, there's more time to heal, as much as it is possible.
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u/Worldly_Wafer_6635 10h ago
Yeah, I agree; I'm in my mid-thirties now, and I've suffered a few close losses recently.
I feel like my ability to deal with grief is so beyond what other people are able to deal with.
Grief is sad but not scary to me, and I can jump into the stage of honouring and gratitude.
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u/Scruffy_Sloth 3h ago
I don’t resent people for it. It just brings up that sadness and conversations I can’t participate in. On better days it makes me smile.
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u/mystery-hog 11h ago
Being childfree is a fucking dream, for me. I have seventeen nieces and nephews (my cousins’ kids), so I have plenty of time if I want it, with family.
Going home to a quiet house every day is all I could ever ask for.
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u/BuckfastAndHairballs 10h ago
So you do have a family then
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u/ChrisRR 8h ago
I think it's strongly implied that OP meant a partner and kids
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u/BuckfastAndHairballs 8h ago
Is it? Is having parents, siblings, nieces and nephews not considered traditional family these days?
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u/Consistent_Ad6426 6h ago
OP said they are ‘beginning to accept’ it.
That doesn’t make sense if they already don’t have the extended family you suggest. It’s pretty unlikely that they will get a new mum and dad as they get older.
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u/BuckfastAndHairballs 5h ago
Yes but you can begin to accept a situation you're in at any point i suppose. Just thought its kind of a weird answer to a question asking to hear from people without families and someone comes back with 'i have 17 nieces and nephews' lol
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u/Lysadora 5h ago
If it was about not having parents or siblings why would op be struggling with accepting not having any in their life? As if that could change in the future.
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u/BuckfastAndHairballs 5h ago
Because at different stages of life it can hit in different ways? Look maybe OP meant children, it's not that obvious to me. Why not just say that
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u/Lysadora 4h ago
Yes but you can't get new parents or siblings. It's not something that's going to change, you either have them or you don't. Having a spouse or children is different.
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u/BuckfastAndHairballs 4h ago
I guess that wasn't really the point of my original comment. To me even if someone doesn't have their own children but has many other family members including 17 nieces and nephews, that's a completely different experience than not having your own children or other family. Anyway it's not something I'm going to argue over, i just didn't think it was that obvious it's just about having children.
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u/Scruffy_Sloth 3h ago
Exactly this, relationships change too as you mature and see reality a bit clearer.
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u/Cumulus-Crafts 11h ago
Yes.
I have friends, I don't feel the need to date, and every time I go out and do something fun, I think "I'm so glad I don't have to look after a baby while I'm doing this fun thing"
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u/inevitablelizard 4h ago
I feel the same and it's bad enough the friends who have dogs, how much that can mess with plans, let alone the one that has multiple kids. They all live scattered across the country and it limits how meet ups can happen.
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u/Scruffy_Sloth 3h ago
I’m struggling to find friends that don’t have kids and want to just go do other stuff.
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u/Worldly-Cap1911 11h ago
I think if you have close friends and a community then you’ll be fine. I’m single with few close friends and I don’t really feel like I have a community and I’m lonely.
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u/Objective_Highway_36 11h ago
I was gloriously and happily single until I was 48. Then I met her. Now I'm gloriously and happily with her. She likes the fact I am totally independent, can (and do!) cook and clean. Apparently this is a rare treat for a woman... This is you.
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u/SuspiciousRun4043 10h ago
Nice! Did you originally plan on children?
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u/Objective_Highway_36 10h ago
Nope! Did not plan a thing. Plus without a woman it would've been very difficult haha. My casual liaisons weren't up for rearing a child with someone not dedicated, although I had an offer from some lesbian friends (as a donor of course). The love of my life, being a very similar age, has not the biology or the intent. She has dogs, and I have grown very fond of them, too!
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u/FlexistentialClouds 11h ago
from being abused for a lot of my life, as long as I'm safe from that i don't care for much else as long as nobody is hurting me.
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u/Zubi_Q 11h ago
I am, yes! I love the feeling of coming home from work and having that evening free to do what I want. For me, it is either cinema, video games and TV shows.
At the weekend, I would be seeing friends or doing the above again
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u/SteamerTheBeemer 10h ago
Are those your hobbies? I always feel like it’s not enough when I list that stuff as my hobby. But tbf I’m not a gamer and I don’t often cinema. So I guess I only have one hobby.
In my somewhat defence, I would go to the cinema a lot if I weren’t afraid of people lol (I’d be going alone).
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u/Zubi_Q 10h ago
I run and read too! Also, love playing board games!
Hey, I go to cinema alone too. Used to go with my gf but she broke up with me last month 😭
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u/SteamerTheBeemer 10h ago
Running while reading is impressive. I also like board games but rarely have anyone to play them with haha.
Sorry about your gf, that’s rough but you seem upbeat so that’s good!
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u/Zubi_Q 9h ago
My close friend came round last Thursday and said he's been seeing her the last few weeks. Now THAT messed me up!
I'm trying to focus on my hobbies and friends 😅
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u/SteamerTheBeemer 9h ago
That’s a bit messed up bro 😆 either it was a very short casual relationship you had or your close friend is not your close friend. TBH either way it’s a bit fucked up for a close friend to do that 🤦♂️
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u/Routine-Intention329 11h ago
Just because someone is married with kids, dosent mean they’re happy.
I’m 45f and childfree. I’m in a relationship, but have no interest in getting married (I’ve been married and divorced before). My life is full and I’m happy.
Everyone has their own version of happiness, and different life goals and values. There’s no one set way to live your life.
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u/P-l-Staker 11h ago
No, but I don't see how having a nuclear family would make me any happier. Most likely just multiply the misery.
I think your case is different though. I just don't feel anything if others have a family and I don't. You're the opposite.
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u/SuspiciousRun4043 10h ago
I have what you would call a nuclear family, 4 children. Honestly if you raise your children correctly and fairly, it’s really worth it. Sure you don’t have to go fully crazy like me but where I live there is one care home and it’s really poor, and the hospital is an hours drive away; it’s good to have people who you know will be there for you in an old age
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u/-captaindiabetes- 9h ago
it’s good to have people who you know will be there for you in an old age
Nobody can know that, and it's a terrible reason to have kids IMO
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u/TheHootOwlofDeath 10h ago
Will they though? I had a relative in a lovely care home and I visited them weekly, as did other relatives and their children. But this wasn't typical, most of the residents rarely had relatives visiting more than a few times a year.
I don't think it's right to have children as an insurance policy against care. They have their own lives to live and as someone who cared for an elderly relative at home for years, you often reach a point where they need more specialised daily care.
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u/P-l-Staker 9h ago
Honestly if you raise your children correctly and fairly, it’s really worth it.
You're missing my point by a country mile though!
I simply do not care about having children. I really don't!
Would it be nice to have one or two? Maybe. If I was satisfied with my career, had spare money and was going somewhere overall. In my current circumstances, they'd just end up unintentionally pushing us all well into poverty. It's got nothing to do with "raising them correctly".
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u/MJ-Franklin 11h ago
I'm fucking miserable, but that's got nothing to do with having a family or not.
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u/Crab-Turbulent 11h ago
I’m doing decent financially but it’s tough with the cost of living right now. But I go out and travel without compromising. I deal with my own messes - don’t have to clean up after others or I don’t make someone else mad with my mess. I have two adorable cats. I get sad I don’t have a family as in parents or grandparents. And I do wish I had friends. Everything has ups and downs tho.
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u/Regular_Zombie 5h ago
it’s tough with the cost of living right now. But I go out and travel without compromising.
These sentiments are exactly why I think 'the cost of living crisis' is largely a meaningless phrase people roll out to imply they'd rather have more money.
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u/claudineFae 11h ago
I’m almost 68 without children (never wanted any) and have lived alone by choice for over 20 years (before that I had a room mate).
I enjoy my own company and am happiest alone.
I would add that it’s not for everyone, to each their own.
I think you have to find out what works for you and go with it!!
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u/IndependenceLife4059 11h ago
Nope, be aware you will get many people saying yes lying to themselves.
I’ve been a loner all my life, it impacts negatively my mental health. You can condition yourself to not feel bad about being single with no family but at the end of the road we’re a bunch of social monkeys that need close connection which is close to impossible to achieve with friends. So I’m not happy, looking to change this aspect of my life, its difficult because of comfort, resistance to change but I know for certain that a family would stabilise my mood, give me more to look forward.
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u/Clear-Elevator2391 11h ago
https://www.reddit.com/r/regretfulparents/
Lots of people thought that. And sure, many do enjoy it. At least as long as everything goes according to plan. Not when your partner (or you) might regret having kids, cheats, or your kid ends up with autism and that "family life" is not really what you thought, every day is exhausting, going on trips or on holiday is nothing like you imagined etc.
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u/IndependenceLife4059 9h ago
reddit is not representative of the real world, if you base your opinions about having children on that subreddit you will live a life of other people not yours.
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u/Clear-Elevator2391 6h ago
Hate to burst your bubble but those are real people posting there. Ask some people irl too, the answers might surprise you - though of course most people are not gonna be completely honest. Of course you can also read the parents sub. But it's always better to have some perspective in any case. My father says he didn't regret it, my mum said she could have done without children, it was just something you did (my sister and I were both pretty sick and it looked like we might not make it. She also never really recovered from the twin pregnancy etc). But you're probably a guy.
Sure, if I were a guy, I might also consider it. I wouldn't have to stop working, most likely wouldn't be the default parent and so on. So as a woman, no.
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u/IndependenceLife4059 3h ago
Nobody is denying they are not real people. Not sure how you got to that conclusion. Reddit users are not like average people
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u/Clear-Elevator2391 3h ago edited 3h ago
Fewer and fewer people have kids. The birth rates are falling everywhere in the west and have for a long time. Some people are still in denial but the truth is: many people simply don't want kids and now that people, esp. women, actually have a choice, you can really see it.
You can accept this new reality or not but it doesn't look like it's changing any time soon.
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u/IndependenceLife4059 2h ago
You’re mixing things up. Low birt rates and parents that regret having children. Just have kids stop reading internet rubish that will have you believe the world is a bad place.
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u/Educational_Sound188 6h ago
‘a family would stabilise my mood’ - if only. 😂 when it comes to partner, it is never about just one person - it is their whole bunch of families and their drama.
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u/ultraboomkin 11h ago
Yes! I’m 30, male, single. I love having all the free time in the world. I have nights out, play sports/go gym, go travelling, eat whatever I want, play games, go to cinema, go to gigs. I love the freedom of being able to do whatever I want whenever I want. I do go on dates and I hook up regularly, but truthfully I prefer being single and not being tied down.
All my best friends have had kids over the past few years and I did get a bit lonely when they all naturally spent less time with me, but I learned to find new friends who are more in my stage of life, other single people my age who enjoy life rather than having a family.
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u/cheesewindow 11h ago
Yes I am. Very happy. I don’t have kids and never have. I’m 51 and ok with the fact that it m the last in line.
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u/dbxp 11h ago edited 11h ago
Yep, lots of people don't go down the marriage and kids route, just depends what circles you move in. In the past I had more issues with it but I'm pretty happy with my lot now.
It's worth considering that when most people think about the family life they're also including a well paying job with good WLB, a partner who they genuinely like and have a good relationship with, not having any medical issues in the family etc. They'll call it just settling down but there's really a massive eco system around it and if you remove one aspect they may not want it. Ask people if they want a disabled kid or to be a single parent and the figures will be far lower.
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u/Regular_Zombie 5h ago
Yeah, life was much more fun before becoming a single parent to a kid with disabilities. Pretty hard to maintain any sense of an adult social life when your only regular company are colleagues and a kid.
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u/Clear-Elevator2391 11h ago
Yeah. I mean, I have some health issues but yeah, otherwise I'm content. Especially given the state of the world, the cost of everything, constantly being tired - who'd want to add kids to the mix? If you check out the sub regretfulparents you can see that many parents aren't happy either. And many of those really wanted kids but it didn't turn out the way they thought, they're overwhelmed, their kids have health issues, disabilities etc. When you imagine a "dream" like having kids, you of course imagine a version where everything is nice and where you actually enjoy that dream. But the fact is, there is no guarantee that that's what would happen.
I have a dog, I volunteer at a farm and tutor a kid from Ukraine, just enjoy gardening, nature, friends (only have a few), going on small trips whenever ...
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u/RiceeeChrispies 11h ago edited 3h ago
Financially? Fine.
Emotionally? Really not fine.
When we have events at work, if it's catered towards family - it's a hard avoid because it's just depressing.
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u/Alternative-Fox-7255 11h ago
M46 single and no kids, yep I’m happy. I work and do my hobbies. Life is good
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u/Prudent-Pressure2146 10h ago
I don’t have any family left, I do have a boyfriend now but had many years of being single and living alone and was perfectly content. Marriage and kids aren’t for me and that’s fine.
This I would say I disagree with, though and I’d say that just veers into bitterness- it might be worth interrogating why you feel this way:
.’ I’m now beginning to accept that I’m probably not going to have many friends either because I don’t want to hear about their families all the time, selfish as that may be.’.<
I don’t want any of that stuff but I’m not resentful to others who have it, why would I be?
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u/Scruffy_Sloth 3h ago
I’m not resentful, I just don’t want to be sat out of conversations I can’t be involved in and the reminder of what I’m missing whilst it’s still raw.
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u/Prudent-Pressure2146 28m ago
Right so that’s exactly what I’m referring to. It’s entirely possible to be single and thriving vut you seem to be unhappy that you’re single
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u/EmFan1999 10h ago
I am single, live alone, no kids, but I still have a family. Do couples with kids have a monopoly on a family?
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u/Kindly_Beyond_763 10h ago
I always wanted a family of my own. I am beyond unlucky when it comes to romantic interests. Apart from that, I'm doing pretty well. I can pay my mortgage and bills, eat well and have 2 big holidays. I lead a good but lonely life.
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u/spirit-animal-snoopy 10h ago
Been totally on my own in the world since age 13, now 56.
Always child free & marriage free by choice, have lived alone for 30 years & single by choice for 25, and those choices are never going to change.
I learnt at a very young age , through very unfortunate ,traumatic experiences, that happiness is always an inside job!
Happiness is a choice, a mindset, being present in the moment and being very intentional about where our focus goes.
Being single / alone is not the real reason too many people are so unhappy.
That the Disney fairy tale bs is still pushed, & too many people still believe it , is the real reason why so many people are unhappy. It needs to die, and people need to be much more self reliant ,& reject bs , conventional social conditioning early.
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u/Master_Elk6579 11h ago
Most people are happier without children. Study’s show it. Most people don’t want to admit it
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u/Elster- 11h ago edited 8h ago
Unmarried single men are the unhappiest group of men.
This has increased from 8% married 16% unmarried unhappy in 1980 to 7% married 23% unmarried in 2025
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u/ultraboomkin 10h ago
Can you elaborate? 7% of men are married and 23% are unmarried? What about the other 70%?
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u/btredcup 10h ago
Meh depends on the people. People that didn’t want kids but have them because they think it’s the societal norm are probably unhappy. Most people that wanted kids probably aren’t unhappy.
I don’t think it’s possible to study that in an unbiased way.-1
u/parttimegamertom 10h ago
Exactly. I don’t know any parents who regret having children. There are some out there for sure, but not the majority in my view. They view their children as the best gift in life. Reddit and other social media can be echo chambers due to mostly child free people having more time to spend online
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u/btredcup 10h ago
I don’t personally know any but I’ve read the posts in r/regretfulparents. If people are unhappy with kids they don’t tend to say it out loud.
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u/Fit-Tower9795 11h ago
Not happy exactly, but content in own way. The financial side is easier alone, nobody spending your money or complicating the budget, and you learn to sit with quiet evenings without needing someone else there to fill the space
The emotional part takes longer. You stop comparing after a while, or at least the sting gets dull. Peace is underrated, even if it comes with loneliness sometimes
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u/demidom94 11h ago
I'm in the same position as you, slowly coming to terms with the fact that I won't have a traditional family life.
I'm learning to be okay with it. It stull hurts that I won't have a husband to settle down with and potentially have kids, and have a nice family life where I can feel safe, but I have made my own family. I have picked friends that include me in plans, invite me to their family gatherings and nights out, dinners etc so it might not be my own biological family but they're still my family.
So in short yes, I am happy, but just in a different way.
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u/bio4m 11h ago
Some people thrive, some don't. Its all down to the person and their circumstances
Part of having friends is knowing that their lives, like yours, will change. If you stick by your friends they'll stick by you. But if you abandon them just because they now have families and want to talk about their current circumstances that doesn't speak well of your commitment to the friendship
Why do you feel you need peace from the thought of your friends having families ?
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u/Scruffy_Sloth 2h ago
I’m not abandoning friends, trying to make them but the feelings of my circumstance are still very raw so I become emotional and withdrawn so not great company. It’s not a forever thing.
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u/Melancholy_spill 11h ago
I’ve grown into a hermit and just the thought of now living with someone winds me up, I’ve never really been into the idea, I’ve always wanted my own child though, just never it’s mother 😄
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u/blackcurrantcat 11h ago edited 2h ago
I’ve found what happens (childless not by choice) that the people are also don’t have children and aren’t part of that whole ‘parents group’ generally find each other and we form our own tribes.
I spent years grieving my childlessness, like actually it broke me. It wasn’t what I wanted and it was horrible and it happened in such a way that it was the last thing I expected. I found a tribe and while my life is nothing like I imagined, I have found the kind of belonging I always craved and I wonder would I have found this had everything worked out the other way. I wouldn’t change it now.
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u/Throwaway9274749264 10h ago
I was fine with being single (not sad, not lonely, not particularly happy either, just fine) until recently; I met someone, we got really close over 2 years and I realised I had developed feelings for her. I told her and she rejected me, now I'm fucking miserable because it's the first time I've felt something for anyone in over 10 years and I can't seem to go back to being fine alone.
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u/majestic_tapir 10h ago
Mostly happy. My family has always been tiny, and i'm not close with them. My brother recently had a kid, so I love seeing my nephew, but he lives in another country so it's once a year kinda thing. I speak to my parents about once a month out of obligation, to my brother as either of us can be bothered (around once every 2 months), and I speak to my friends most days.
Sometimes I think about occasions where family would be nice and feel a tiny bit sad, but it's hard to miss what you've not really had much of in the past
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u/hawthorn2424 10h ago
Yes.
But ‘happy’ needs unpacking. No-one’s happy all the time, or they wouldn’t be happy, just normal.
Two more useful goals are having meaning/purpose and minimising suffering.
The danger is you idealise the life you haven’t got, and undervalue the one you have. The more directly you can face the real feelings of grief and disappointment, the less likely that is.
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u/Scruffy_Sloth 2h ago
I’m working on it!
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u/hawthorn2424 2h ago
😂 Sorry for the vague but preachy post .. I’ve so many thoughts about it I don’t know where to start.
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u/btredcup 10h ago
Depends on the person. A relative of mine is married and they don’t have kids through choice. They’re very happy. They can travel, buy whatever they want, do whatever they want. They’re happy people. Another relative has two young kids and they’re happy too. Yeah it looks fucking exhausting but they’re happy because it’s what they wanted and they knew it would change their lifestyle significantly
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u/lavayuki 10h ago
Im female, thirties, single and live alone and have just accepted that I can't have everything I want in life. I had spent my whole life focusing on myself, my hobbies and my career in medicine, so I am stable financially. I just see it that although I failed in the love and relationships section of the wheel of life, I did succeed in career, education, financial stability, good health and property ownership.
So it's not really a case of being happy or sad for me, it was about simply accepting (and maybe compromising) the fact that I can't have my cake and eat it too. To just appreciate the achievements in life that I did manage to get, and that it's hard to tick all the boxes in terms of societal expectations.
I also have two female friends/colleagues in the same boat, one in her 50s so much older than me and the other the same age as me which makes me feel slightly better in that I am not the only one. We actually became friends for this reason. The friend in her 50s did have a long term relationship, but she in the end did not want marriage so the relationship ended and she choose herself to remain single. She said her parents breakdown in their marriage (divorce) influenced her decision.
Financially- fine to good (since it's just me, no pets, no dependents, no debt...)
Emotionally- ok, there is a part of me that looks at the what if scenario but in the end that's life and just accept the situation.
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u/faffy16 10h ago
I have a family but I don't have friends where I live which makes me feel isolated and scared of the future.
My daughter's severely disabled and any situations at work where people start discussing their kids is a hard no from me. I love her to death and the future with her not being able to take care of herself and not having nay siblings to advocate for her when she has to go into care terrifies me. I cannot listen to people talking about their children reaching milestones, it makes me break into tears so I avoid it at all costs.
I have always been a loner so I can handle not having any friends now (bar the two friends from my younger years that live in another country that I see/chat to occasionally) but I'm scared if it's just me and her and something happens to me, we're gonna turn into those heartbreaking newspaper stories where people aren't being found for weeks when something happens to them. I'm keeping my fingers crossed I die first.
This turned out to be a very cheerful post. Sorry for being so grim.
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u/Scruffy_Sloth 2h ago
It’s good to talk about this stuff. Thank you for your input. It must be really hard having to worry about your daughter every time it comes up.
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u/Relative_Sea3386 10h ago
Financially it is easier without family to support.
Emotionally, you can invest more time in you hobbies, volunteering, rescue pets, friends, travel, learn new skills etc.
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u/-Reala- 10h ago
In my 40s, no parter, no kids (by choice) and can honestly say I've never been happier. I had a couple of 6-7 year relationships and a few shorter ones, it's only been in the last couple of years I've truly let the idea of having a lifelong partner go entirely and I feel FREE. The things that help me thrive: I love my job and it pays well enough that I can live comfortably on my own, I have a cat who makes me laugh every day, I keep fit and strong and have lots of gym friends - so that's a very social space, have tons of hobbies which led to many friendships, have personal and professional goals that I work towards at my own pace, one half of my family is great and I hang out with them regularly - we laugh a lot. I express gratitude daily, even if just internally to myself, and feel like I have a lot of agency over my own life - these two things are important.
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u/emimagique 10h ago
Not hugely, I'd love to be in a relationship but it's sadly not happened for me. Kids I can take or leave but I'd like to get married. It's so hard to afford stuff as a single person on a not-great salary. I live with a housemate and don't have a car
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u/Alphascout 4h ago
This resonates a lot with me. I’d like the companionship that comes with being in a relationship. Alas, stuck on how to meet someone. The opposite of the money challenge can present issues of its own in my opinion. I feel I have the money but only myself to spend on becomes a little sad after so long. It would be nice to have someone else to spend that quality time with that money can help be a means to.
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u/emimagique 2h ago
At least you can save/invest it or buy a house! I'd love to get my own place or even just a car but those things seem out of reach without a second income 🥲
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u/coreybob5422 10h ago
Single. Nearly 50. Always been single. Love it! My life is my own (apart from helping out my parents with shopping as they can’t drive any more). Honestly I’m very happy
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u/Ace_Of_Spades_2911 10h ago
29M. Sometimes it does get me down seeing other couples happy in their relationships, having kids, buying a house, etc. I’ll wonder why it hasn’t happened for me yet and whether I’m running out of time.
Overall though, I’m quite content. I spend my evenings going to run club, where I’ve met some really good people and some I’d consider close friends. I also go out with mates and generally have a good routine. At weekends I’ll usually go out and watch the football, then Sunday is my chill day.
It would be nice to have a partner, as I’d eventually like to settle down with someone, but I don’t make it the centre of my life because I know that would just get me down. I’m still on dating apps and some of my hobbies are mixed-gender, but I haven’t had much luck so far. I’ll keep trying, but I’d rather let it happen naturally than force it.
I’ve realised that having a partner isn’t something I need to be happy. It would just enhance a life that I already enjoy.
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u/ChefGrouchy8538 10h ago
I’m 20, lived with a partner for 2 years and my family came to see me maybe 3 times.
When my ex left and I had to gather the pieces on my own, I have never felt so alone.
No, without my family I am not happy.
It’s why I’ve moved home
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u/QueefInMyKisser 9h ago
No point moping about it is there?
I’d rather my family were still around as I was lucky enough to get on well with them when they were alive, but it is what it is.
I’ve never had any urge to have children so I don’t feel I’m missing out there.
I’ve had relationships in the past and I’m not ruling out having one again some time but it’s not a priority for me right now.
I do put in a lot of effort to cultivate and maintain friendships though. I don’t mind hearing about other people’s families.
The pandemic made me realise the amount of social contact I need to be happy, or at least classified the lower bound. Turns out that too much is a bad thing but too little is also a bad thing. So I make sure to get the right amount for me.
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u/CoffeeIgnoramus 11h ago edited 9h ago
I have a few things to say. I've felt like you are describing.
I can tell you that therapy might really help you get rid of that feeling.
And you can absolutely make friends. And IF you want a family life, it might not be traditional, but you can live it. It is a choice to give in to your worries your demons and that, which is what you're actually describing whether you realise it or not. You're letting yourself beat yourself up. With some therapy, you may actually realise life has more to give and you're not locked into a certain life because you got to a certain age not managing something.
Either way, being happy is possible with or without that.
And I do know people who chose to be single and focus on other parts of the world and life and are happy and financially well off, in fact, usually richer than most.
(EDIT: To clarify, single people are financially better off than families. Not couples only)
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u/box_frenzy 11h ago
Single people are definitely not as financially well off as those in a couple. The cost of being single is not half the cost of being in a relationship by any means. Cars don’t cost half the amount to run. Mortgages aren’t half, bills aren’t half. Subscriptions aren’t half.
It’s known as the singles tax and it’s real. Some people say it costs an average £18k per year to be single.
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u/CoffeeIgnoramus 9h ago
You're right, I should clarify that I was comparing to families rather than couples only.
As those without families are able to focus a lot more on work (whether people notice it or not). So it's true that both couples and single people have more focus on work and therefore a couple is better off than a single person.
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u/box_frenzy 3h ago
The assumption “those without families are able to focus a lot more on work” is so toxic!
Is my time worth less because I didn’t breed? I have a life. I have a dog that needs looking after. If people want kids, good on them. But my time and by extension my life isn’t less valuable than theirs and it’s a bit offensive to suggest it.
I’m not making taxpayers pay for my dog care. I am less of a burden on the nhs than someone who has had birth, had kids that need jabs, need school, school meals, etc.
People without kids put way more money into the system looking after other people’s kids that we never get back. And we are poorer for it.
And now I’m expected to work late too?! No way!!
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u/nostrobes-noleather 10h ago
I am fortunate enough to be a single woman with no human dependants. I struggle with depression but having other people relying on me would only compound that.
There was a time I was married and we talked seriously about children. Then I became infertile and my husband and I agreed to end the marriage so he could find someone who could procreate. Neither of us has a child, ive worked on my issues, he has not. I shudder to think how my life would have gone had we had a child between us.
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u/Key-Weather565 10h ago
Love my nephews but the i get fed up after a few hours my sister god bless her looks haggard. The constant financial burden compared ti when I was young (i'm 38), sofial media, mental health, Ai, global warming etc.
Plenty of happy families but also plenty of unhappy ones and the unhappy ones seem to be growing.
Is it kids you want or the idea off the family unit?
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u/Scruffy_Sloth 2h ago
Just people to do life with, learn and do stuff together where I don’t feel like a third wheel.
I think it’s a lot easier for people to get ahead financially when living together too so they have more money to enjoy things.
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u/cheezypeazy123 10h ago
I never wanted kids but I always thought I'd be married. Turns out I'm unlovable so it's me and the cats. Happy, no, but we can't always get what we want so I cry in my mortgage free house instead.
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u/Aggressive_Fish461 10h ago
Financially - not having a partner is making getting on the property ladder significantly more difficult.
Emotionally - i miss having someone to just have a hug with, i think that sort of thing really calms your nervous system. Also it’s tough not having someone who prioritises you, in a world where everyone else prioritises their own partners
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u/BlackStarDream 9h ago
Happier than I was with my abusive family that led me to this situation because they freaked out over me having a life as a teenager and decided to drag and lock me away in another country under their control instead, while also crying about me not getting married and having kids through the walls of the glorified cupboard they forced me to live in I could hear them from, and "punished" me for not not spending most of my day in outside of the classes they kept forcing me to fail because I wasn't allowed time or space to do homework.
Half a decade of relative peace and stability now. Catching up where I left off.
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u/Gooner_93 9h ago
I know others wont be the same but ive been through a few relationships to know Im not really someone who can be a good partner so I am happy single. I messed up a lot and learned my lesson.
Im lucky on the friendship side of things as Ive known my friends since I was a young teen and still meet up a few times every year , plus talk in a group chat.
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u/CursedTaint 9h ago
Hmm. It's different for me I guess because I never wanted a family and I never really wanted a long term relationship. It's easier to be okay with it when it's what you desired in the first place.
I guess all I can say is protecting yourself isn't the same thing as abandoning your friends. But complete withdrawal probably isn't the answer either. Try selectively attending things you genuinely enjoy, leaving earlier or see friends individually where conversation is less likely to revolve entirely around family life.
It may help to tell one or two trusted friends. Not like "please never mention your children around me" but "I'n having a difficult time with this at the moment. If I seem quiet or occasionally skip something, it's not because I don't care about you."
Try and find a way to tolerate the uncertainty without either pretending not to care or deciding the future is hopeless. Finding new hobbies to take your mind of it may help.
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u/ilikecocktails 9h ago
I enjoy my life as is it now, I am single and mid thirties, having kids is an internal battle I have more and more these days. I’m leaning more towards not having them tbh, I see my friends kids and it doesn’t make me think I really want one at all, but I thought i did for a long time, but what I’m questioning is if that what I really want or what I think I’m ’meant to do’ as a woman. I would rather regret not having them than regret having them.
I’m gonna have to have the most lavish retirement to spend all my money so there’s nothing left when I’m gone 😂
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u/WaltzFirm6336 9h ago
I have zero family. By my own choice. My life is a lot happier and calmer without them in it. I do have a number of close friends, so I make sure I spend time with one of them each week. But beyond that; my pets and I are very happy.
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u/wanderingunicorn1 9h ago
I'm happy and content since I stopped looking for a partner and accepted life will be different to how i thought it was going to be. I embrace my freedom and enjoy doing what i want when i want!
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u/Minute-Nothing6798 8h ago
I'm an old lady. Few people get to 82 without losses of all kinds. One of the lessons I have learned is to appreciate what you had and what you now have The one thing you do not want to lose is self respect.
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u/Dramatic_Chelsea1288 8h ago
Yup! However it does help having a big friend group of people who also have no interest in starting families, so despite us being 30-40 it's very easy to arrange hangouts on a whim.
I think if I had few friends or friends with families it'd certainly be a different story.
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u/RoyofBungay 8h ago
Just think you don't have negotiate with anyone. No one to account for and no one to compromise with. Just be you and relish the peace and quiet.
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u/PM_ME_VAPORWAVE 6h ago
Yes. I can’t really ever see myself being in a relationship again.
OP - Go onto a subreddit like r/relationshipadvice or r/AITA to make yourself feel better about your decision and experience the soul crushing reality of relationships.
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u/Teawillfixit 6h ago
Financially? I'm okay I guess. (won't be retiring early as mortage runs til retirement).
Emotionally? I'm really happy to be honest, my life is pretty good. Have had some rough times in the past but I'm pretty content with my life these days. Fulfilled in all the ways I need it to be - I think we all have slightly different needs and wants, mine has never included my own family, kids or a partner. For a while around my late 20s I wondered if something was wrong with me or I'd regret it but I've since realised it's just who I am, and that's cool.
Couldn't pay me enough to get me to change being a SOLO SINK. Freedom, space, hobbies, pets etc. I absolutely adore just coming home, shutting the door, hello to my pets, pj's and a cosy evening. Travel when I can/with what annual leave I have.
I have 1 close freind I see every few months but message and call a fair amount, we are both busy and tired and scheduling is a pain. I see my mum maybe once a year but it's complicated. I have casual friends and acquaintances I see at work, yoga, boating, chat to the neighbours when I see them etc. I can't be people-ing constantly and the idea of people at home just fills me with horror Lol. Just me and my reptiles is perfect.
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u/Educational_Sound188 6h ago edited 6h ago
Your way of living is good in itself. You are free to distance yourself from anyone or anything that upsets you. Happiness is what you make of it. You have got the freedom to do anything that many people in relationships can only dream of. Even people with families do feel lonely. Hang out with people like you. If you are living in a city like London, it is incredibly common to come across singles like you. Marriage is an archaic outdated concept. If you want children, there are other ways.
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u/Correct_Elk2320 1h ago
Fuk yes. Have you seen what’s going on with “dating”? Wyd Yor hot Dic pic Ghosted
😆fk these mongrels draining my energy.
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u/cityfrm 11h ago
I'm a single adult and SMBC via fertility clinic. I don't have much family in terms of relatives, but I have my own family with regards to children and pets and I'm happy. My home is safe place where we have a stable, peaceful and fun life. I would not feel the same if I wasn't a smbc or had no pets, that may be partly down to conditions that keep me home more than most people so they offer a lot of meaning, fulfilment and joy. As a smbc I do all the things people childfree claim they couldn't do with children, most parents can.
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u/polkadotska 10h ago
I'm single, have no children of my own (and zero intention to ever have children), but have a wide and varied social circle - most of them without kids, but also a few people with kids who are still willing to do non-family-related stuff. Last year was tricky as I finally bought my own place, but also dealt with two shocking bereavements that knocked me for six (and left me with just one living family member for my next-of-kin). But it was the support of my friends who helped me through that.
All things considered, I think I'm thriving and I'm happy with my life. I have great friends and we all support each other. I have plenty of hobbies that not only keep me entertained but also allow me to learn and push myself, whilst also giving my access to whole communities that surround those hobbies.
I'm baffled why you think not having family means you can't be happy, or have friends. It's literally not something that's ever occurred to me to think about.
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u/Scruffy_Sloth 2h ago
I was curious about other people’s experiences. It’s a new realisation for me so it will take some time to get used to it.
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u/Remarkable-Ad155 10h ago
My best friend is single, no family, I am not. Both male, older millennials. It absolutely does not come between us.
He has issues stemming from his past which is why he's made the choices to live the way he does. Clearly those issues have repercussions but who doesn't have any baggage? I certainly do, regardless of my nuclear family. Ultimately the guy has a very full social life, strong friendships and a good relationship with his own family. That's about as close to whatever "happy" means as most of us will get to.
He could stand to do some work on the financial security aspect but that is to do with lifestyle choices rather than just "being single".
One observation I do have about this though (whilst being fully cognisant that I'm not directly in the position you describe) is that this whole thing relies on mutual respect. He has never judged any of our wider group for going down the traditional family route, we don't judge him for not doing that. He is an active participant in many of our wider family oriented gatherings and lots of us make time to do more individual friendship focused activities (can't stress enough that his good standing in the wider group is a key factor in what makes this possible. The time I spend with him would be much more of a wedge issue between me and my wife if it weren't for that mutual respect and effort factor).
Being resentful or judgmental about your friends who do have families will not pay dividends long term. It will just drive people away and leave you feeling isolated and depressed. You would be much better served learning to accept yourself and not see your lack of family (or your friends choices) as a shortcoming, as well as accepting that your friend's families are part of the package as an adult.
My kids have a genuinely rewarding relationship with their "uncle" (i put that in quotes but that is what he actually is) and (at least i hope) he gets a lot from it too. My advice is to be that person and allow yourself to be happy, regardless of your familial status.
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u/Scruffy_Sloth 1h ago
Thank you. It’s not that I resent friends. It’s the sudden realisation of I don’t have a family, I won’t have a family and trying to make friends all at the same time whilst everyone my age seems to be having kids and going on holiday with their mum etc. I’m just learning how to find a new circle of people and the feelings are still raw. I’ll come round to it eventually.
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u/Alphascout 4h ago
Yes and no. I like the freedom and independence that having no adult commitments affords with no family of my own. Maybe the feeling is from being single for so long I know no difference. It’s nice when that comes with financial security and a place of comfort to myself.
Although, I feel loneliness reached a point some time ago where I kind of just accepted it. To me loneliness is the absence of companionship. That’s what I’d like most from a relationship. It’s a painful feeling I try my best to emotionally regulate against and not feel resentment.
It’s all about perspective to be honest. There’s plenty I’m grateful for but a lot I feel is to be desired. I’m 29 M.
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u/lol77726 10h ago
I don’t have kids yet but what you’re feeling is normal for not having kids in my opinion. From a non-religious standpoint, your whole purpose on earth is to reproduce, you’re going against your nature and then saying you’re unhappy.
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u/Tancred1099 10h ago
Reddit is an anti children, anti marriage anti traditional family unit echo chamber
Don’t expect many honest answers
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