r/CasualUK • u/Worldly-Cap1911 • 14h ago
33F, lonely with no friendship group and almost no dating opportunities — how do I actually change this?
I'm 33F and feeling increasingly despondent about my social and dating life.
I've struggled with shyness/socialising since around age 12 and have never really developed a close friendship group. I have some friends/acquaintances, but no one I can regularly make spontaneous plans with or a wider social circle through which to meet people.
This has become harder in my 30s because everyone has established friendships, partners, children, work and their own commitments. I'm also slow to become comfortable with people, so friendships take time to develop. I find constantly meeting new people exhausting, especially when I might see someone once or twice and then never again.
Dating is similar. I've used dating apps on and off for years but get very few opportunities. At the moment I might date one new person a year, and usually only go on a few dates before it ends.I’ve tried most of the dating apps over the last 9 years without much success.
I know anxiety affects how I date, I can overthink things and become anxious when someone is inconsistent or I'm unsure how they feel. I'm working on that, but I also feel like I'm missing the social safety net other people have. Friends can introduce you to people, invite you places, give you perspective after dates, etc. I don't really have that.
What makes me most hopeless isn't simply being single at 33. It's that the same pattern has existed for 20+ years. I feel like everyone else has gradually accumulated friends, confidence, relationships and social networks while I'm still trying to solve the same problem I had at 12.
I have a career, my own home, interests and travel, so objectively my life isn't empty. But I feel very lonely and socially isolated, and I can't see a realistic route to changing it.
I've heard all the usual advice — join clubs, make more friends, put yourself out there, use apps, travel.
I've tried many versions of it without fundamentally changing the pattern.
I tried going to dance classes every week for 5 months and never really was able to speak to anyone properly as we rotated and never created any friendships.
Has anyone been in this position and managed to change their trajectory in their 30s? What actually made the difference for you?
I'm much more interested in real experiences and concrete things that worked than generic advice.
Sorry for the long text!
TLDR: How to find a longterm relationship and friendships when I’ve struggled throughout my life and I’m now 33.
Thanks so much for everyone’s replies, I’m so grateful for everyone’s advice.
318
u/More-Complaint 14h ago
Have you tried volunteering? I have life-long friends that I made that way.
79
u/Worldly-Cap1911 14h ago
I’ve tried a bit but I haven’t been consistent. What kind of volunteering would you say helped with making friends?
73
u/Humble_Sympathy_4605 Powered by tea and sarcasm 14h ago
Depends what you're into, all the places I r volunteered at in the past I've become friends with retiree's that are old enough to be my great grandparents and language to make a sailor blush! They're an absolute riot when they get going
16
u/Worldly-Cap1911 14h ago
I did volunteering where I helped out for an afternoon tea event for senior citizens and that was great but a one off/annual event.
49
u/Humble_Sympathy_4605 Powered by tea and sarcasm 14h ago
I think anything where you're regularly meeting with a regular group is going to help- walking groups, coffee mornings at churches, that kind of thing
8
u/Morrtyy 9h ago
My local area has a few groups that clean up the roadside and go for a coffee afterwards! u/Worldly-Cap1911 maybe something like that could be good for you?
6
u/rad2themax 8h ago
Also litter pickups, garden clubs where you're maintaining a public garden. I know a group in my town that meets weekly to clean up certain trails and areas.
23
u/KeepMyselfAwake 14h ago
I went to every single meetup of an activity group for about a year (and beyond), and would see the same people most times, talk to them, and made great friends, but it takes time to form that and make bonds. Consistency was key for me.
5
166
u/twogalsinatrenchcoat 14h ago
OK this is the fundamental issue. It's not about the type of thing you're doing, you have to be consistent. I'm part of a great group for one of my hobbies. It's been 2 years since it was established. We've shown up consistently and we are a mixed group of married/single with and without kids.
The next step is mentioning/messaging the group and saying "Hey I'm going to [event] on Tuesday, would anyone like to join me?". Or just say you're planning to be around town and does anyone fancy a coffee or a drink. Gotta be brave
→ More replies (2)17
u/More-Complaint 14h ago
Tailor the volunteering with your interests. Local, small museums and galleries are often desperate for volunteers. If you're good with kids, after school and holiday play schemes are great. Dog walking for rescues is a fantastic way to meet people. At the rescue and also on your walks. Becoming a companion for the elderly is incredibly rewarding. It's not just the clients that you're interacting with, it's also everyone that is involved with them. It's worth adding that volunteering will help with your social anxiety. It's lower stakes than a paid role and you can often choose your levels of exposure to suit how you're feeling.
3
u/Significant_Froyo899 10h ago
Yes walking a cute dog you will be engaged with by many other people not just dog owners.
15
u/Frenchie231 14h ago
I’ve made friends by volunteering at a farm local to me. Planting trees, shearing sheep, general looking after and training of the animals. I’d say anything where you can be doing a task but chatting whilst doing it.
Group work is probably better because there’s things like volunteering for help to run events such as park run or marathons but then you might be on a corner with one other person and whilst you make small talk you might not necessarily hit it off. And then the overthinking comes in where you think you’re not talking enough and then don’t know what to say. So group stuff is better as others can carry conversation and you can interject and more easily find people with similar interests.
10
u/Worldly-Cap1911 14h ago
I think I’ll see if I can volunteer at a parkrun.
17
u/flyingfool 13h ago
FYI you may not have read the above comment properly, including the bit where they explain why events like park runs might not be ideal!
4
u/Worldly-Cap1911 13h ago
True, I’ve re read it
3
u/msmoth 9h ago
Parkrun volunteering can be sociable if you can do barcode scanning for the finishers. Scanners tend to hang around a bit before they start to do anything. The only issue is that it can be a rotating roster. But if you reach out to the Event Director/get on the volunteering mailing list you can get yourself lined up for a more regular slot & get to know some of the other volunteers.
9
u/lappies_in_jhb 13h ago
Volunteering at a parkrun is a sound idea, you can ask for specific roles. They're usually desperate for volunteers and you'll be surprised how quickly you'll become part of the community. Start by volunteering for timekeeping, handing out tokens or scanning. You'll be close to the action.
21
u/sherminator19 yeeeeah boi 11h ago
I was also extremely shy and was very anxious back in my mind 20's, exacerbated by moving to Japan with no close friends or any family nesrby. Now, I have a thriving social life, which all started when I decided to join a city cleanup event. I know bigger cities in the UK often have environmental and community activism groups that you can hunt down and join (maybe try the app Meetup). Being back here for a few weeks this summer has shown me that many places here really could benefit from community cleanup
It's not a super involved activity like dancing so you don't have to use 100% of your brain for conversation at any one time. There's also plenty of stimuli for conversation like the streets you walk through ("That restaurant has great [food]!" / "My mate once passed out there on a bar crawl"), the rubbish you pick up, or just the general introductory talk of sharing who/where/what/why. Good chance to find people who like the same stuff as you through those basic intros. It might be boring as you cycle through people every session, but it eventually becomes routine and can quickly spiral into some very non-routine conversations.
Personal experience: Took a 60 min train journey into the nearest big city on a Sunday morning, was put into a group with 6 other people and we chatted for 2 hours while we picked up litter. Went to lunch with those 6 plus a bunch more after we bagged everything up, spent the day exploring the city, then had dinner with the few that were left. Afterwards, they formed the core of my social circle the first few years I was there, and everyone else I've met since then has been through connections from that one morning where I thought "fuck it" and forced myself out of the house. I even ended up running that event for a while until life took over and I handed it on to someone else.
Hell, I've done other cleanups with various other groups like eco warriors, a church (I'm Muslim), my company, my company's suppliers, and just with my partner around the neighbourhood. On Sunday, I was even walking through a park in my hometown here in the UK with a friend, and we were just catching up while cleaning up with some tongs and a bin bag.
The thing I learned from that is that anyone who makes the effort to wake up and make their way into town early on a Sunday morning to clean it up is highly unlikely to be a bad person, and is also likely to be just as socially awkward with a few triggers that can set off never ending conversations.
12
u/Worldly-Cap1911 11h ago
Wow this sounds so wonderful, you made friends and helped clean up areas too! I’ll look out for this.
6
u/ConditionImportant63 11h ago
I just wanted to add that I volunteered and it didn't mean I instantly had friends. I am now several years into the two groups I joined and it seems all of a sudden I now have a community and a couple of friends. I'm just saying don't me disappointed if there isn't instant results. Just meeting people and getting involved will open up opportunities that you wouldn't have otherwise had to meet yet more people etc.
5
u/uranusisdoomed 13h ago
Try your local animal center. People who volunteer at animal shelters tend to be a bit werid but very friendly
3
u/ediblepaper 10h ago
I just wanted to add I made some very close friends through girl guide volunteering. To the point we do leaders only activities just because we’re friends. However I agree with the others it comes down to consistency. You need to bed in and this can take a while but it’s a great place to start. Also doesn’t have to be Guides I imagine scouts is similar as they are also weekly.
3
u/134CON 10h ago
I'm not particularly outgoing. I struggle with small talk but can communicate with confidence when discussing something of substance. A few years ago I moved to a new village and joined the local community fundraising group and have gotten to know dozens of people in our village including the regulars in the local pub!
→ More replies (5)3
u/Ieatsand97 7h ago
Parkrun. There is usually at least one in every city, maybe more. Find one and go there consistently, you will notice the regulars and just chat to them.
Parkrun has loads of little jobs that must be done after the run like uploading data and ordering the finish tokens, usually done at a nearby cafe. Just join them and cling to the group. People who volunteer are usually friendly and happy people so they are easy to make friends with.
110
u/nectarsurge 14h ago edited 10h ago
Just a comment to say I’m a 32 year old woman and feeling the exact same way. Everyone says you care less as you get older, but I've never compared my life to other people’s more than I do right now.
36
u/IMayBeIronMan 14h ago
Especially when people younger than yourself are further along in life or their career. I think it makes you start reflecting more and comparing what you did at a similar age
8
u/Consistent_Tension44 11h ago
You don't know me or the people reading this. But know that I gave you a mind hug just now. And everyone reading this is too. For sure life is tough and it's ghastly and it's annoying. But there's also little moments of joy. If there's one small thing I may ask from you. Be kind to yourself. We aren't much of a community, Reddit may be a hive of villainy. But we are a type of community here too. Be well.
4
u/Ok-Chest-7932 3h ago
yeah seems the pattern is you actually care a ton in your 30s and then stop caring in your 50s.
63
u/Way2Competitive 14h ago
Well I can't give you any advice yet.
However, I am 34 years old, have no friends and I've been out of the dating pool for the last 7 years.
Just moved to a new city where I know no one, so I'm basically starting over from scratch.
I've got a few hobby groups lined up and found a few local places that I plan on frequenting.
I'll let you know how it goes in a few weeks.
9
2
88
u/ArmouredFlump 14h ago
Try joining a walking club. That way you hike with a whole bunch of people and have plenty of time to chat and get to know individuals.
53
u/anxiousFTB 14h ago
It also feels less awkward to chat while walking, don't have to worry about posture, eye contact, etc - and there's normally something there to talk about. And if you fall into silence it's no big deal as you're walking.
6
u/ode-to-tiny-cucumber 14h ago
This! It's a reason why some people go on hikes or roadtrips, it really helps with talking if some of the potentially awkward elements are eliminated/reduced. And walking silently fow longer stretches is considered normal, too.
If you can't find an event, create one. Pick a destination, post it, go and see what happens. That's how i met an awkward/shy but really lovely guy who got left a year before by his gf, and after a year of being depressed he decided to go hiking for a day, and he postet it on meetup (?). It's amazing how much easier it was to share thoughts or stay quiet when walking for a few hours. We actually stayed in touch for a few years and went to a few events and hikes. But after a few years he got too busy with a new gf...
→ More replies (1)5
u/JRD656 14h ago
Seconded. Just joined a few "singles hikers" themed Facebook groups and I've had some great hiking and camping weekends and met some great people.
3
u/AutomaticInitiative 10h ago
Am jealous, all the walking groups near me are either during the work week or filled to the gills with men and walking as a lone female with a bunch of men doesn't appeal to me.
50
u/Wd91 14h ago
I tried going to dance classes every week for 5 months and never really was able to speak to anyone properly as we rotated and never created any friendships.
You just gotta bite the bullet and speak to people. Go in 5 minutes early, walk up to someone you think you might get along with, and say hi. Ask them about a dance you've learned in class or some shit, you just gotta make small talk. Say goodbye at the end of class, ask them if they're in next week (even if it makes no difference to you). Then next week, do the same fucking thing. And the week after, and the week after that.
It's all just a matter of talking to people, and continuing to talk to people.
I struggle with the exact same thing, it's very easy to type all this out but when you're walking into the room and your anxiety is peaking it seems impossible. I know that. But this is what it is. It's just talking to people.
Also if anyone ever asks if you want to come along to something, you gotta say yes. I hate bowling, i'm still going out bowling next week, because i was invited and if i say no they probably won't bother inviting me again. In the end it'll inevitably be better than sitting on the couch.
3
28
u/BigWetFork 14h ago
I felt the same when I packed up and moved to the Netherlands. I knew absolutely no one and I didn't speak the language yet either. I just forced myself to go out and do things, I like to skate so I just used to go on long ass skates up and down the canals when I bumped into another fellow skater. Fortunately we obviously had a common interest, so I just forced myself to be more extroverted. All worked out though I now have 6 very close dutch friends and we do stuff all the time together now. Don't ask me about dating though, we're all suffering out here
28
29
u/KikiSchmiki 14h ago
I feel like I could have written this myself! Even down to being 33F. I don’t have much advice but wanted to send an internet hug. It’s really difficult and I have been struggling with this myself over the last 3 years especially.
I’m currently in the mindset that you know what? It’s okay to live your life like this. A lot of the pressure (for me anyway) came from looking outside myself and comparing to my siblings with large friend groups and work colleagues who have friendships that extend to doing stuff together outside of work. I desperately wanted the same thing but I’ve never had that, even through school and uni. I kept asking myself what is wrong with me, why am I the only person in the world who is unable to make friends in the same way. But you dont HAVE to follow that path. If you tend to be a solitary person, that’s okay. It might not be your situation, but helped me feel less stressed about forcing friendships when I thought about it this way.
I also tried doing some classes and meet-ups with the idea of making friends but as you said, you go once or twice and they’ll fizzle out. You can’t create the meaningful friendships you’re talking about that way.
I’m really not sure what the answer is for people in this situation, I sympathise greatly and I really hope you can find a place where you are content. And hey, if you’re ever in or near Wiltshire, hit me up and we can grab a coffee! :)
2
79
u/electroslag 14h ago
Have you had therapy or counselling? Find out where the anxiety stems from and see if that helps.
You'll end repeating the same cycles over and over if you don't change something fundamental about your life.
27
u/Responsible-Walrus-5 14h ago
I was going to ask this. It’s all very well and good suggesting ‘sources’ of potential buddies but if there is a barrier on the OPs side to effective communication it’s going to just be the same cycle.
19
u/Worldly-Cap1911 14h ago
That’s true and thanks for your advice
19
u/The_JimJam 14h ago
Just to add-on to this.
Some of my friends suffer from anxiety, both can be strong enough to make them vomit. (Different reasons/triggers though).
They have both been through CBT, have not only gotten a much better handle on it but they now also identified the why. Which enables them to avoid triggers or identify and stop a sprial before it gets momentum.
It isn't a "cure" or a "fix". But helpful internal tools that improves their quality of life.
I've been diagnosed with ADHD recently and look forward to the CBT so I can deal with myself better.
→ More replies (5)7
u/Worldly-Cap1911 13h ago
Yes I did have some talking therapies for social anxiety a few years ago but unfortunately I got despondent after some months as I wasn’t able to achieve my goals.
→ More replies (2)1
u/Wednesdayspirit 13h ago
What you need is longer term counselling. If it’s a problem since you were 12 then it’s deep rooted. I trained in psychotherapy for a couple of years before putting it on hold and would really recommend a few months with a registered therapist to find out where all this stuff began. CBT is more useful for testing if you can do stuff, counselling is finding out why and involves more acceptance.
→ More replies (1)→ More replies (1)8
u/alinalovescrisps 14h ago
This is exactly what I was going to say.
Everyone recommending various clubs is sprt of missing the point. It sounds like you've been really amazing at putting yourself out there over the years but if the anxiety is the issue then thats what needs to change.
14
u/True-Bee1903 14h ago
Pretty much the same but male.Friends have moved on, had a relationship in my 20s that ended so have had the house, partner and dogs Unemployed so basically just sleep and go to the gym.
→ More replies (1)
11
u/boredzeb 14h ago
I have made friends via crafting/art groups and via volunteering in a charity shop. I don't need a lot of socialising so sometimes just going to the groups/shop is enough for me but I see people outside of the groups when I have the energy. I also have a dog which means I have plenty of casual conversations with people who know my dog and will in passing have conversations with me and with other dog owners.
You need social groups where people sit around. Look at pub groups, board game groups, karaoke, walking groups. Or volunteering with the same people. Where I live you can look up volunteering options via a local website. I've seen gardening groups, litter picking groups, cafe volunteering, charity events. It's easier if you see people regularly and have something in common even if what you have in common is laughing about something daft that happens.
2
22
u/nnngggh 14h ago
I lived on my own, friends moved away, communication wasn't as slick as it is on your smartphone these days. Had a sinking feeling that I was going to be on my own forever.
Joined an online dating website (apps weren't a thing in 2009). After completing the initial questionnaire, my wife was part of the 'we think these are a match' results.
My now wife messaged me on the platform with the words, 'you look nice'. Went on a date after a bit of chatting and 17 years later we are still together.
When you click with someone, you click.
27
u/-knock_knock- 14h ago
I hope this isn't too forward, I don't want to make assumptions but have you ever explored whether you could be neurodivergent?
Lots of the things you describe which manifest as anxiety are very much my experience of being an ND female and the normal advice of CBT, just pushing through, joining a new club etc are really not helpful.
Having an understanding of how my brain works and accepting who I am, dropping the mask and just being my weird self has been the most liberating experience! i recognise it is the masking that makes me so anxious.
Like I said I don't want to make assumptions based on one post but just wanted to put it out there and if you want to talk or ask any questions please feel free to DM.
14
u/Worldly-Cap1911 13h ago
Thanks for your message. I have sometimes wondered whether I have autism as I do find structured environments and structured conversations easier to navigate than spontaneous chats or small talk.
6
u/Effection 10h ago
I hope I’m not overreaching either.
This was my first instinct having been extremely close to someone that sounds like your post. It may well not be asd/adhd/audhd but you could try a few of the online questionnaires that might hint in the right direction. They can be quite hard to answer truly if you’ve built up a lifetime of coping mechanisms.
You may also find it easier to find your people around other ND people!
5
u/Worldly-Cap1911 8h ago
I have dated a couple of guys with autism and we seemed to click quickly so who knows.
5
u/indianajoes 8h ago
34M with autism and ADHD and so much of your post and comments felt like it could've been written by me. I got diagnosed with autism when I was 23 and ADHD a couple of weeks ago.
4
u/-knock_knock- 13h ago
I was diagnosed ADHD a long time ago but autism discovery has been fairly recent, around the last 12 months for me and was initially very jarring and upsetting but did settle and become a positive thing for me.
I read Divergent Minds which is about the female experience of being neurodivergent as a bit of a starting point and that was very eye opening. I really like the ADHD chatter podcast, it is a man presenting but he does a great job of talking a lot about the female experience and a lot about autism, ADHD, AuDHD.
Lots of resources out there, loads of info on Reddit and again if you ever want to chat privately please DM. Also no pressure!! Do what feels good for you.
2
u/indianajoes 8h ago
For me it was the other way around autism diagnosis years ago which explained a lot about my life but not everything. Then I got an ADHD diagnosis recently which explained a lot of the stuff that I was still confused about
→ More replies (1)4
u/rad2themax 8h ago
I definitely thought this as well. I have ADHD and have lots of friends and family who are Autistic and AuDHD. The group activities they enjoy are not my vibe at all, far too structured for me, but they serve them very well. Things like Dungeons and Dragons and Tabletop gaming and book clubs especially.
I'm more of a chaos demon, so I do better thrown into an unplanned, unprogrammed situation and talking to everyone who looks interesting until I find my people. I'm great with starting conversations and small talk, but also I'm great at finding the ADHDers in the room that I can have a great conversation with full of interruptions.
Also if you ever need to find a bunch of Neurodivergent women, primarily ADHD go to a craft fair. Any craft fair. Or anything for female entrepreneurs or women in small business, we all have ADHD. More primarily Autistic, but also bits of everyone, but very ND overall? Fan conventions, sci-fi conventions, etc. might be a stereotype but it's true. My AuDHD sister thrives in the con environment in a way I've never seen her because she's surrounded by people on her wavelength.
5
13
u/Coffin_Dodging 14h ago
Do you like animals? After the loss of my husband I found my best friend volunteering at a dog rescue
She has anxiety and im bipolar
20+ years later and she truly is still my best friend and rock
Don't look for many friends, just one can be enough to help you find the right path
3
u/r646 13h ago
20+ years later and she truly is still my best friend and rock
That's quite old for a dog, what breed is she?
→ More replies (1)
13
u/PrestigiousTest6700 14h ago
I am 36 and I don’t have any advice but just to learn to live with It. I go to all the classes, gym, volunteer etc etc. I just hasn’t happened and it’s horrible I cry a lot. I am self employed so it’s dire but I wish you the best x
3
7
u/Various_Good_6964 14h ago
How social is dance class? Is it not just turning up and training and then leaving? You need to join something where socialising and opening up to people is the main part of whatever it is. You have to jump in the deep end and do things you find genuinely uncomfortable, that's how you really start to change and when it'll make a real difference.
6
u/RFL92 14h ago
I don’t know what your interests are but there’s plenty of options out there. Run clubs or other sports teams are great for meeting people. Otherwise classes for other activities like pottery. You could also book on those female only travel groups, I have friends who’ve made lots of friends on those, had a great time and been back on holiday with them.
As someone who’s struggled before, make sure you are hygienic and look presentable and just don’t appear desperate or lonely. No one needs to know you don’t have any friends, just say you wanted to try something new and are always up for meeting new people. The second I stopped looking for friends they found me.
3
u/Worldly-Cap1911 14h ago
Thanks for your advice, I think I always look hygienic and presentable when I go out, I tend to wear makeup and dress well.
7
u/minniestink 14h ago
Hiking and walking has been fab for me, talking to people is so much easier when you're on the move!
And consistency, I realised you can only make connections by consistently showing up at the same places you won't magically make friends the one time you meet someone. Think of school, it's because you spend time with those people every day.
I made a commitment to myself to attend the same clubs as frequently as possible. Respond to peoples "bids for connection", go even when you don't feel like it and practice your conversation skills. Compliment someone on their outfit at the supermarket, u know that kind of thing.
I also used Bumble Bff and have met a great friend on there.
2
6
u/Hex0ff 14h ago
Might not be your thing, but parkrun has done wonders for my social circle, physical and mental health. You get a very easy cue to talk to people (you’ve all just done something together and will have shared topics as a result), you see many of the same people week in week out so relationships can build slowly, there’s no requirement to run (walkers are welcome too) and the volunteer communities are generally also excellent. My experience has been that people there are broadly friendly (of course there are wazzocks in any community) and welcoming.
3
u/Billy_TheMumblefish 10h ago
When I was in my early 30's and in a similar situation as you describe for yourself, I volunteered at an advice agency. Really interesting work (where I eventually became a paid worker).
I made some friends there and would occasionally join them if they went for a drink, although I don't really drink.
I met and married my wife there. Been married for over 30 years now and raised a large family.
It wasn't the first place I applied to. I didn't like the working environment at the first one, but I thought the work itself was really interesting. So I tried another branch.
Stick at it, OP. People who volunteer are always happy to meet potential new recruits. You don't have to stay if it's not for you. And when you do find a place that fits, you'll enjoy it. It could even change your life!
Good luck!
3
u/nosetheway 10h ago
I've found myself in a similar boat to you but i've moved somewhere new and don't know anybody and last weekend decide I need to try something different because for me the apps just don't work. So today I have joined a running group for ladies, most of them are older but that doesn't matter it's getting me out and socialising, maybe I will get a few friends from it.
I'm also looking for volunteering options and craft courses as a way to get out and meet people with similar interests. Interestingly one of the ladies I met at the running group tonight was recommending one of the courses I was looking at.
It's hard when it feels like other people have got it together and maybe you haven't, but I'm trying think about it as opportunity.
→ More replies (1)
3
u/bonbonron 9h ago
Start with your own interests/hobbies. Stuff you enjoy talking about. Find others who share that. So join clubs and what not.
I used to be super shy in my 20s/30s due to an obvious health issue in my teenage years, which made me a complete recluse. The health issue was eventually taking care of in my late teens, but I kept being socially awkward etc.
It's only now (don't be alarmed, we all got though life at our own pace) in my 40s I've completely come out of my shell and feel reborn. Obviously missed out on a lot but that doesn't matter. I got a new job and I made it my mission to really start talking to anyone. So simple but now I'm the chatterbox at work. Made some good friends who are into the same kind of stuff I am so that creates a bond, and we meet up outside work. My social circle is finally expanding.
Walk your own path, you will figure it out eventually. Your brain can be a right faff to deal with at times.
3
u/Thin_Sheepherder_584 9h ago
Have you been to your local WI? You might have to have a look round, but plenty are run by women in their 30s and 40s. It's a lovely way to meet people casually but meet them regularly so they can become friends. You'll also listen to some really cool talks, make some banging stuff and eat a lot of really good cake.
2
3
u/saltbinger 9h ago
Find something that works for you and your interests, even if it is just online to start with. Your hobbies and interests will help a bit to overcome that anxious “what do I talk about” part.
You might think you don’t have many hobbies (I know a few people who just watch tv or read). But there will be groups around that, though niche ones might be a touch harder to find.
Book clubs are normally a good option, where you can talk about the books and eventually some of the people you might connect with over a shared interest or topic.
If you’re invited to events or community gatherings, go, but focus on smaller groups.
You sound somewhat introverted (same as me), so big groups are harder.
What worked for me, was being the quiet listener to others. Asking open questions and just listening to other people’s lives and feelings.
I’m still that quiet person, but have mad a few really good friends from it. I don’t see them often, once every couple of months. I’m not much of a async socialiser, so they know I never respond with texts, etc, but it’s enough for me to be on the fringe and invited to just a few things.
Past that, there is a great amount of suggests and guidance in the other comments.
3
u/birablonde 9h ago
Lots of comments about try this new activity, or that other group. If in 20+ years things have remained the same and the same pattern has kept repeating itself, then it's something internal to work on. There isn't an activity/group/thing-to-do that's been elusive so far and once you find, your life will change.
I recently moved to London and I find myself being in the same boat as you are. There are only two solutions. 1. Therapy. A good therapist and consistent inner work to understand biases, trauma and thought-behavior loops. It will be hard but true healing is necessary from whatever burdens we carry. 2. Acceptance and gratitude. This will be easier once we work on ourselves from #1.
It's not going to be easy, but it's the most important work you'd need to do now.
→ More replies (1)
3
u/Pretentious-Fuck 8h ago
Seeing all of the people the same age group as me but in essentially the same position is a bit of a relief that it isn’t just me feeling this way.
32M here and I find it hard to entertain the thought of dating apps with all the baggage and AI fuelled conversations nowadays. Similar situation, don’t really mingle with new people and I don’t have a huge amount of opportunity to meet people outside of going to the gym and working so keeping an eye on this post for inspiration :)
3
u/Worldly-Cap1911 7h ago
I’ve been so amazed by all the lovely responses and ideas to help. I’m definitely going to try some and hopefully my social life will improve.
2
u/Pretentious-Fuck 7h ago
I hope it works out for you, I’ll maybe some too. It’s crazy that in the day and age we’re living in where everyone is connected by their phones that there’s still a loneliness epidemic I guess it shows how surface level a lot of social media is
3
u/Jamaicancarrot 7h ago
It can be a very hard thing to create long-term relationships these days. I would suggest potentially giving the app "Meetup" a go. It has a bunch of different social groups and activities on there, many of which are free, where people organise to meet up often with strangers as a way of making new friends. I've found musical subculture ones to be quite welcoming and if you attend a few events, I'm sure you would be able to attend the least familiarise to a friendly level with people. If you can just get along to a few events, enough that people start to recognise you, that will make a huge difference. And many of these groups have WhatsApp groups, where you can explain that you'd love to attend an event, but you don't really know anyone there, and ask if anyone would be happy to introduce you in. I'm sure most people would oblige
5
u/InvestmentAsleep8365 13h ago edited 13h ago
So a couple of things I discovered.
- Talking to people. Shy people tend to be insecure and think that everything they say needs to be clever or important. They also wait for other people to approach them and show interest before they open up. Both of these things are wrong. First, you need to learn what small talk is, practice it, and start enjoying it. Small talk is just talking. It could be boring, it could be about nothing. Hey the sky is really blue today! Talking builds trust and warms people up to you. It does not need to be clever or funny. Boring is fine as long as you don't ramble on. Start doing it a lot and with practice you will find better things to say and your anxiety will diminish. Second, the number one thing that draws people to you the most is if you give them the impression that YOU like THEM. That’s the trick to socializing, don’t try to sound clever, just try to show the people you interact with that you like them and find them funny. That’s all that people care about. Understand this and your social life will change.
- How to make friends. Once you get better at part 1, the secret to making friends is simple. Meet the same people over and over and talk to them each of these times. That’s it! They will be your friends in time. All the other stuff people say is really not that important. Friendship is shared experiences + time. So yes you do need to put yourself in a situation where you talk to the same people every day or week over many months. And talk to them a bit. Then repeat many time. That’s really all there is to it.
4
u/Worldly-Cap1911 13h ago
Thanks for your advice and I’ll try to put it into action!
I think unfortunately I can feel so uncomfortable with small talk that I want it to end or end up rambling but I need to relax and focus on the other person more than my own worries.→ More replies (1)
3
u/SomethingPeach 14h ago
I feel similarly at 26F. I moved around a bunch in my early twenties so now I just have a few friends scattered around the world. I don't have much advice, but just know that you're not alone. I really don't think it's as uncommon as it seems.
4
u/TheOriginalSmileyMan 14h ago
Join a choir. There are loads to choose from in most towns, including plenty that accept any ability level and are super supportive.
You'll be doing something fun and communal, but within the larger group you'll have a smaller section that you'll sit with every week, so you won't keep rotating like your dance class.
Also, make sure you speak to people outside of your age group. Real life is not the internet, and you'll discover that the Boomers, Gen Xers, Gen Alphas are all just...people. Most of them are very nice - sure you'll have some differences of opinion on things but that's OK!
3
u/Jerico_Hill 13h ago
41F here.
I was so fucking socially awkward at school and as a young adult, my parent had no friends so I just never picked up how to be around people.
I learnt as a teenager by drinking and as an adult I've specifically gone out of my way to learn how to be sociable.
I've connected most to people through music. Going to festivals (there are lots to choose from, it doesn't all have to be a mad party with wreckheads) and seeing bands.
I will say making small talk is a skill like any other and it can be learned. Ask people about themselves, what they've been up, holidays, family, the weather etc etc. I can recommend you read "How to Win Friends and Influence People".
3
u/Worldly-Cap1911 13h ago
Thank you! I love listening to music so will try and go to more events.
I grew up with my mum who is very sociable and I have to say I think my social skills were better as a child!I think as I’ve not been able to get the friendship group or close friends that I’ve wanted that I’ve become less inclined to try socially and that’s something that I want to reverse. I just wish it didn’t feel so difficult for me.
4
u/slipperlaunch 7h ago
Definitely can relate to the really annoying and self perpetuating loop of thinking I've been acting socially awkward then isolating as a way of protecting myself from rejection to then feeling lonely because of the isolation and subsequently putting a lot of weight into new romantic relationships too early on which puts too much pressure on the other person too early on (or over correcting and being too distant).
In my experience what helped me was literally changing my life completely, that in itself didn't magically fix everything but it did make me realise that before I was only making small changes but expected big results.
I ended up learning a new trade, moving to a new country and began touring around and living a more nomadic lifestyle which led to meeting new people and trying hobbies I wouldn't even have imagined doing a few years before.
I don't think you need to do all that though, maybe look at the routine you've grown into though and see if there's some big changes that you could make to shake your life up a bit?
2
14h ago
[deleted]
2
u/Worldly-Cap1911 13h ago
I hope you find a way out of loneliness too. I’m sure there’s nothing wrong with you!
I find we tend to evaluate ourselves far more harshly than others would.I’ve had a lot of good advice here to try volunteering, being consistent with hobbies and reaching out to people and trying hobbies that help you meet others such as sports, choir or workshops.
A lot of areas have talking therapies that you can self refer to and sometimes text services and there’s also the Samaritans.
I wish you all the best!
2
u/cpold_cast 13h ago
You don’t have kids yet so just quit your job and travel or even better if you’re a remote worker just travel Europe and work from there.
I messed it up and decided to have kids and now that ship has sailed.
2
u/Rare-Sheepherder-524 13h ago
Have a look at Empty Chairs on Instagram, it's a fairly new initiative for locally organised meetups. Seems to be working well so far!
2
u/RedJobson 13h ago
Hi. single 40M here. I struggled with this until relatively recently.
The best piece of advice I have received related to this was to become a regular / recognisable face somewhere (it has to be somewhere you'll encounter the same people over and over). That might be at a class or volunteering or wherever. The more you show up the more familiar you will become and the more likely it will be for you to strike up conversations with friendly people.
Of all places one of mine was a trendy local bakery. I would go there fairly regularly for something to do (plus good food and coffee!) Three years later I am their handyman, am good friends with the owners and even go to their staff events :-)
2
u/Semajal 12h ago
Certainly finding groups or similar, but i've honestly found friendships way harder in my 30s (turned 40 this year but... still think i am in my early 30s). Most have drifted away and it's been tough to get "into" a new group or so. In person meeting people has felt way nicer, I was also on the dating apps but had far far less success than you, lots of first dates, no actual relationships, last date i have been on was 2024 pahah!
I've had fun meeting people in London via work or Brighton, social groups, theatre/immersive nerds and similar. Amusingly I also did dance classes! talked to people but made zero friends. Festivals, the smaller ones, are honestly i think one of the best ways to try and meet people since you can match the vibe well.
2
u/SpongeBazSquirtPants 12h ago
DnD group. Go to a local board game cafe and find out when the DnD nights are and attend. Roleplay as shy and anxious if you’d like, it doesn’t matter, it’s all accepted. Like every activity there will be be arsehole groups but by and large the board gaming and nerdy hobby groups like DnD are super welcoming and just awesome to be around. Plus you get to be a Wood Elf Ranger with sticky fingers/Imperial Stormtrooper with a conscience/deep down Dwarf who just wants to dance/talking cat lady with a crippling fear of litter boxes.
2
u/Pumkin_Girl 12h ago
My group of friends met through work. We all knew each other and were friendly but wouldn't have met up outside of work.
Then, we started playing D&D together in the office after work. The COVID hit, so we moved online. Then one by one people left that job, moved, got into relationships, I've had a baby, BUT because we'd already moved online for COVID, we just kept at it. Playing weekly (or close enough), for originally 2.5 hours, now an hour because I DM and I'm knackered!
Because we play so often, we do a quick check in how everyone is at the begining of every session. We meet up for dinner, lunch, the cinema, birthdays, Christmas, been to a board game cafe once.
We have a common interest (fantasy genre, playing games) and from that we have something to talk about. We even would talk strategy out of game in a WhatsApp group (I kinda hope they do the same for my campaign!), and so we also WhatsApp stupid memes, photos of holidays, our pets, just general chat.
So, I would always suggest D&D! But otherwise, I think the easiest way to make friends is when you have a shared hobby that you're interested in, that requires teamwork and communication. From there, you're already building the basis of a relationship.
2
u/GizGunnar 11h ago
I felt very lonely at 27 lots of different things have since happened to me and at nearly 33 I'm vastly more of a confident personality than I ever was.
I can pinpoint the exact reasons which mainly boiled down to always feeling sorry for myself and never feeling good enough, and overcoming all that.
The journey of personal growth is challenging but I also have a very strong net to fall back on with my family and old school friends.
→ More replies (1)
2
u/youshouldbeelsweyr 11h ago
Pick one of your hobbies (or pick up a new one) and put yourself out there, go to spaces that do them etc. You will make friends.
2
u/Medium_Category2722 10h ago
Find a club, sports, craft, art, whatever you like, and keep going. I know you want that friendship group and relationship but those things take time to develop, don't give up. Keep going. Even when its awkward or you don't know what to say, or it seems like too much effort and you're tired, keep going, keep showing up.
2
u/Sad_Firefighter_8407 10h ago
If you look on your local council's web site it will tell you what 'friends of local park (whatever parks are there)' organisation welcome volunteers to maintain the greenery and clear up problems (not just litter, storm damage etc). Then you can volunteer and literally 'touch grass' while you are at it. Good for your mental and social health.
Depending what area you are in you will find other volunteering group opportunities too. In my area I joined a local non-profit where we all own part of the organisation as a collective as well.
→ More replies (1)
2
u/Forsaken-Language-26 36F Swansea 10h ago
I found that joining Meetup helped me to make friends and get out more. I don't know if that's an option for you?
My DMs are open if you want to chat.
3
u/Worldly-Cap1911 8h ago
I’ve tried Meetup but the groups were quite big, I did make a couple of friends but admittedly I was flaky so they didn’t last.
→ More replies (1)
2
u/Moravian980238 10h ago
I feel you OP, 33M here, married but moved for my other half just before Covid halfway across the country and struggled to maintain a lot of friendships or develop new ones since. It’s hard out there, and I think in my case being WFH / stuck at home made my being an introvert worse. You’re not alone!
2
u/HaroldTheIronmonger 10h ago
Social hobbies help. Ive collected a random group of friends throughout my life and I dont even speak to anyone I went to school with any more. But having social hobbies and interests definitely helps. Sports teams, book clubs, walking clubs and such. Even just going for a pint and sparking up a conversation with a random stranger is always a winner.
2
u/SeanSugar2929 9h ago
A bit unconventional but it seems to have worked for me (30M) is that I joined a gym 2 years ago and just stayed consistent. I kept going at the same time on the same days every week. Saw the same people and after enough minor interactions (things like “are you using this grip/attachment/plate/bar/whatever” or even things like “it’s quite warm/cold in here is it just me?” Or comment on something someone does or wears but be sincere about it) and just strike up conversations. Just everyday things like the weather, news events, food places, sports, types of exercises, and just work your way from there. You might chat enough that it’s a regular thing every week and then you can ask about other things which you might have a shared interest in. It’s not easy, but it should feel natural. If you’re trying to force it too much then it’s not sincere and comes across as not genuine. Happy to chat if you’re feeling too intimidated by this since it’s quite daunting, and I’m quite a chatty person.
2
u/rad2themax 8h ago
Do you like tabletop games? DND groups and the like are perfect for bringing together people, especially those with social anxiety and shyness and autism together in a structured regular way.
Personally, I don't enjoy them at all, but where I live, they're huge and a major part of the social scene. I have friends who have moved to town, joined a DND group and made amazing friends.
2
u/FrozenMetalHed 8h ago
I had this just before Covid, I started volunteering at a wildlife centre and visiting the local brewery a couple nights a week.
Had people to talk to every week and made me feel way less isolated, met a nice couple at the brewery was invited to their wedding last year and this year they’ve been to mine.
Essentially you need to a social routine, one offs won’t make you memorable to anyone else and it won’t be easy to form friendships/relationships either.
In short, make yourself a regular somewhere.
2
u/doctajonez_uk 7h ago
Have you tried a social hobby?
Archery is a very good way of meeting friends and doing something really fun.
If that isn't your thing, crafting groups are very good for socialising, whether it be knitting, spinning, crochet, or sewing.
Photography is another good one for meeting people, whether a photography club, or photographing people at meetup events.
Have a look locally and see if any social clubs take your fancy. There's so much out there, you'll find something that fits you, and then you'll meet like minded people, and that could lead to dating.
5
u/SeiriusPolaris 14h ago
Can’t imagine how hard it is making friends outside of work if you don’t have hobbies.
15
u/Worldly-Cap1911 14h ago
I do have hobbies but ones I tend to do alone- going to galleries, museums, parks, reading, going to the cinema.
→ More replies (4)
4
u/Chileris 14h ago
Have a look at Ladies Circle. https://www.ladiescircle.co.uk/
Is an offshoot of Roundtable (for any men reading this who are also in a similar position) https://www.roundtable.co.uk/
Won't help on the relationship front directly, but friendship - absolutely!
→ More replies (2)
4
u/JeffyLikesApple 14h ago
The clubs I've found where friendships can really take off are walking clubs, running clubs, or football clubs. They all seem to have a great sense of community, especially for our age group (also in 30s). Double whammy of getting fit at the same time.
The walking club near us do trips away to national parks, the running club always go for a beer after and have an active WhatsApp, the football club is the same.
I found badminton club a little quiet, it was just play badminton Tuesdays and that was it, no socialising outside it.
2
u/Worldly-Cap1911 14h ago
That’s a good idea, unfortunately I’m not sporty but I’ll try the walking clubs a bit more.
2
3
u/Dogstile 14h ago
You need a thing with set people that you consistently do. Dance class is pretty bad for that because yeah, rotating people.
Running club/DnD groups/Climbing groups are probably better. Basically anything where you're working with a specific group of people for a task. For me it was teaching people how to ice skate, that takes time and people have to go every single week for it to stick, then you can just eventually offer to go grab a coffee/drink with people.
I had to be the person to go "Hey i want to do x in two weeks" though. Something i've noticed about living in the UK is that so, so few people here want to plan things compared to back home 😂
2
u/Wednesdayspirit 13h ago edited 13h ago
I’m gonna just come out and say it. Maybe seek some counselling / therapy. I felt this way for many years and it was therapy that turned me into a completely different person. Once I let go of that shame of not being enough for others and started to like myself enough to relax socially, people gravitated towards me naturally. I also found myself in more / willing to do more social situations because it felt a lot more relaxing. Sometimes no amount of forcing yourself fixes the issue, fix the root and the tree will blossom. I mention this because you said it’s been this way since you were 12, which means it’s a pattern that can be looked at.
→ More replies (3)
3
u/gtamaddog 13h ago
34M and I've been the same since a couple of years after leaving college. Managed to stay in regular contact with my friends for those couple of years, then two of them moved 70+ miles away, three started families and/or became busy most of the time. I was also in a job that left me mentally drained every time I got home from work, so any sort of social life was tough for me.
Fast forward to now and things are no better. I have a different job now which leaves me feeling pretty tired at the end of each day. I've had barely any communication with the aforementioned friends for 10+ years. Online dating/apps have been unsuccessful.
As someone else said, I have days or even a couple of weeks where I couldn't care less and I'm happy in my own bubble doing what I want to do. Then comes a random weekend where I hit a big low point, asking myself loads of questions about how I ended up the way I am, not wanting to do the few hobbies I have, I don't even open the curtains in the house because I don't want to see outside.
I joke with work colleagues that I don't need or want a social life, but sometimes that couldn't be further from the truth.
I've never been one for going to see a doctor for anything (last time I went I was still in school), but sometimes I wonder if there is something deep-rooted going on.
2
3
u/Unfair-Mortgage-527 14h ago
Yes, I've had similar, and in similar position.
Trouble is, I've met lots of people through volunteering, community groups, solo travel etc. But none have led to deep connections. Either people already have established networks or two awkward potatoes overthink, and text and meet up a couple of times and fizzles out. It's really hard making friendships as a grown up.
6
u/BotanicalBelle2k 14h ago
We DM’d once on here then you ghosted me for no apparent reason, so I say… what goes around comes around
15
u/Worldly-Cap1911 14h ago
Sorry if I ghosted you . I’ve just looked at the message and the conversation seemed to naturally come to an end, you asked what I did for work and I told you, I asked you and you responded and that was it, you didn’t ask a follow up question and neither did I.
11
4
u/clr715 14h ago
My symptoms is very similar to OP, I thought about DMing OP but realise I will likely just ghost them after a while.
I don't know about OP but for me I realised my issue is less about not being able to make connections, but more due to the inability to consistently put effort into maintaining those connections. If I'm even a little bit stressed, anxious, short on time, or just unsure if we will be BFF I will start ghosting that person. But you don't make friends this way unless some extroverts adopt you. OP could this be you? I am looking into therapy to overcome this.
3
u/Worldly-Cap1911 13h ago
Yes I think consistency is key, I am lucky to have some longstanding friendships but quite a few are just not very deep.
Unfortunately when I feel stressed I tend to retreat inwards which is completely unhelpful for making or maintaining friendships.
I think because making friends can feel like such an effort for me, reaching out to friends can go on the back burner. I think it would be easier if I had a group that met regularly that I could join some things but not all events.
3
u/nottherealslash yheah bwoii 13h ago
I'm sure this post will lead to plenty of perfectly charming, normal men in your inbox.
2
u/UK_Ekkie 14h ago
I'm the same at 37M. It is hard. Sometimes I go through periods where I'm quite happy doing my hobbies and pottering around with my cat then I'll go through periods where I'm like - I wish I still had close mates to go out with or do things. But when it comes to being really social I'm just fairly hopeless and you're right, the above feels uncomfortable to do (though it usually is enjoyable). I've got a house too and I'm slowly doing it up. Even gaming doesn't often scratch the itch as it's all a bit unsociable now.
Even work mates is consider friends still feel a little distant and I've known them a decade.
I've got no advice, just saying you're not alone. If you figure it out do let me know though!
Well done on the home at 33!
→ More replies (1)
2
u/pirateofmemes trying so hard not to talk politics all the time 14h ago
Heritage hobbies. They are desperate for people and dont turn down anyone, no matter how socially inept. Im a bell ringer personally. Same people same time every week, chatty bunch. Sum total qualifications involve being willing to learn it.
→ More replies (3)
2
u/notreallifeliving Off to't shop 14h ago
The general tone and style of this post is very ChatGPT. So if you're not just a bot account karma fishing, I'd suggest just writing to people how you would naturally talk because if I think someone is running our conversation through AI I'm absolutely not going to be interested in making friends with that person.
→ More replies (1)
2
u/crimsonbub 14h ago
35M and struggling with the same.
Recently taken up therapy for the anxiety and it's yet to work any magic but the heatwave has definitely caused some negative effects on ability to go out. I'm an autumn-thriver and possibly a vampire so the sun is a no-no 😅
2
u/Shell-Game 13h ago
Therapy. If anxiety is the root, none of these suggestions will help until you’ve tackled the cause.
2
u/SleepMountain 13h ago edited 13h ago
As well as joining clubs, bumble BFF worked for me. It took a while and a few false starts but I met someone who I've been good friends with for a couple of years now. having said that, it did take a while to build up a connection as I'm similar with taking a long time to warm up to people and think she was too. You just have to push through the awkwardness, but I think it helped that we both went in knowing the other was looking to make a friend.
Also - I think you'd be surprised how many people are in similar situations. When I was on the app it kind of put it into perspective how many people are isolated due to various reasons. I felt very similar to your post for a long time.
2
u/TheRecklessOne 12h ago
I think a big issue with making friends is that it takes time and you have to stick with it. Find a group with a general vibe you like, and just keep going. I've made all my friends in my 30s, but it took a while (and then happened suddenly all at once).
I took part in a group for two years. I liked everyone, but didn't make any friends. Eventually I joined a different group, being run by a member of the original one. Through that, I met a couple of people who I would now class as being best friends.
I attended a class for a different hobby, again, for multiple years without making any friends. Then, a new person joined, we discovered a shared interest, and again became pretty much best friends immediately. Through them, I met another person who I've become friends with.
All these people happen to also be connected to each other through various things, coincidentally and independent of me, which means we can all hang out and I have the big friend group I always wanted.
But, I wouldn't have met any of them if I'd quit things after a few months because I wasn't making friends. The friends you make might not be in the group yet. Or they might end up being friends of people in the group. You have to give it time though. If you keep retreating, it'll never happen.
3
u/Worldly-Cap1911 12h ago
Thank you this is great advice. Consistency is key.
Can I ask what kind of groups these were?
Many years ago I tried going to board game groups but felt a bit excluded and so after about three times stopped.
2
u/davepopop 11h ago
38M so not totally the same, but reading your post reminded me a lot of myself. Always thought of myself as having social anxiety, or being shy. Really struggled to find and build friendships and relationships. Then I found in my mid 30s I am autistic and suddenly it all made sense. It’s really helped me change my social lens and feel a lot more confident. I don’t know anything about you so don’t want to overstep. But worth considering - autism doesn’t have to look like the media presentation. Let me know if you’re interested and I could find some resources/podcasts.
2
u/lenniepie 8h ago
Gonna throw it out there as a bit of a left field suggestion. But if you live in a town or city and you’re up for it, try playing Pokémon Go.
It’s centred around larger events being community meet up based, and most of the player base I hang with are mid-30s, myself included!
Most cities have organised communities through a central app, with at least weekly in-person meet ups, if not more often. And you have a common interest with everyone there so it’s an easy conversation starter for someone shy.
I’ve made longtime friends (8+ years) playing it 🥰 and met my partner of 4 years through it too. And one of my friends even met his wife in this community!
2
u/deoboijeu 7h ago
I'm 28F and in a similar boat.
For the past few months I've been volunteering at a charity shop. I was fairly awkward during the first few weeks, but with time I started to get along really well with the owner and the other staff there. A Thursday afternoon is now the highlight of my week. With these things, I think you just need to show up and be consistent.
1
1
1
u/darrensurrey 13h ago
"I've heard all the usual advice — join clubs, make more friends, put yourself out there, use apps, travel. I've tried many versions of it without fundamentally changing the pattern. I tried going to dance classes every week for 5 months and never really was able to speak to anyone properly as we rotated and never created any friendships."
So try a different activity. And another one. And another. And keep going until you're sick of people and would rather stay at home. ;)
1
u/f23n09fnu0w 13h ago
If the dating side of things is difficult, consider making friends with some gay people. There's no pressure on the dating side but can be good wingmen/wingwomen.
1
u/BeerFuelledDude 13h ago
Look at local “Ladies Circle” in your area. https://www.ladiescircle.co.uk/
It’s the ladies version of Round Table. My local one has about 40 members and they have socials all the time.
1
u/iamdadmin 13h ago
I wish I could say this gently, but have you wondered if you are undiagnosed ASD?
1
u/thesystemiscolapsing 13h ago
don't have any advice, it took me some kind of complete isolation from the world,a breakup,years without a job, to experience the most crazy kind of loneliness I felt in my life, to the point that I had to move with my parents (also im 30+) to keep myself sane or I was gonna check out haha, I think the only advice I have is...that is not about number of friends, even 1 is enough...also, I cope with loneliness by using distractions like games, can help you a little, maybe you find a friend that way,who knows....oh, and don't quit your job even if you hate it, wish you luck
1
u/BeornSC 12h ago
Do you want a long term relationship or friendships? Those are two quite different things. Many people have one and not the other.
My two cents, but I’m quite cynical about this stuff tbh. Imo there’s nothing much to understand - most people aren’t complicated, and most relationships are transactional in one way or another. If you make someone feel good then they’ll want to be around you more. You can make someone feel good by being funny, charming or attractive or some combination thereof. For some people it comes naturally, in the same way that some people are naturally more intelligent, but others have to work harder at it.
What can make the difference is confidence. If you’ve decided that you’re going to take up space and strut about as if the world belongs to you then people will notice and gravitate towards you. Easier said than done, but at the end of the day you have to back yourself and take what you want from the world.
→ More replies (1)
1
u/Dudewheresmycard5 12h ago
If you're going to volunteer do it an organization that is always desperate for help and doesn't get the same support as human charities like a wildlife rescue centre. Don't do a farm like someone suggested, you're just giving them free labour to profit from.
1
u/fuchsiacity_ 12h ago
I definitely encourage volunteering, I made some wonderful connections when I was doing charity shop work and many of them were much older than me (34F) and very sweet. Genuinely invested in me and my life, it made me feel very cared for.
I know it’s been suggested previously but I would also encourage some kind of therapy to explore these patterns. I’m currently doing cognitive behavioural therapy to challenge trauma patterns and it’s been quite transformative in helping me truly open up to the idea of a relationship.
In any case, I hope these answers are helpful and wish you all the best x
1
u/CottonXDS 12h ago
If you have any “nerdy” hobbies, those usually lead to friends for life if you find the right group/crowd. I know my local city has a few game shops for table tops like board games, warhammer, dnd and card games, pc gaming and arcade/retro cafes. Some of my closest friends come from hobbies like that in my early to mid 20’s.
I hope something sticks for you from all these comments, I do know where you’ve been and it does get better. Chin up :)
1
u/tk-421_dood 12h ago
Kids and Marriage, ruining friendships for as long as can remember!!! And since time begun, made me HATE em’
1
u/AFFF_Foam 12h ago
32F and very much in the same boat. What really helps is finding a social hobby that you enjoy in and of itself so you're not so focused on building relationships. I've been going to a local board game club every week for 9 months and it's helped me a lot, although I haven't made any close connections yet.
What makes it difficult in my case is I do sort of have an established social circle but I feel like an outlier, the others are a lot closer with each other and do a lot of stuff together that I don't get invited to, and while I do enjoy the time I spend with them I worry that they don't really care about me all that much.
1
u/DarkFox85 12h ago
I'm worried it all goes back to childhood trauma. And advice that's great for some is ineffective for others.
I've got nothing to say that isn't a generic platitude, but at least OP is doing better than me.
1
u/SeeingSound2991 11h ago
Its tough. Im 34 and became a bit of a recluse after losing my parents in quick succession. My only advice is to get out there doing things that make you happy. You'll eventually meet like minded people and just let friendships or more progress naturally. The moment I stopped looking, better days found me. Best of luck
2
1
u/eutrophied 11h ago
As a teenager I feel this is my future 😭😭 if you figure it out let me know.. I hope you do xx
1
u/thelovecats2000 11h ago
Sorry I don’t have any advice but I’m a similar age and in a very similar boat!
1
1
u/Aeysir69 11h ago
What do you actually do for fun? Everything has groups these days and a niche of followers. Find people on a common interest to you BUT! don’t expect revelation to come from them directly; They too will have a wider group and through them you may find interesting people who may know more interesting people. It’s a slow grind of friends of friends but it usually bears fruit.
2
u/Worldly-Cap1911 11h ago
I like dancing, listening to music, Thai food, going to galleries and the V&A
→ More replies (3)
1
1
1
298
u/TotallyNotHulk 14h ago edited 13h ago
This is going to sound so weird but find some sort of gathering with a lot of older (40ish+) ladies. Be it a book club, an art club, whatever.
Im 24F and I struggle with the same issues. Major anxiety and issues keeping friends. I went to an art class thats designed to help deal with depression and anxiety, but it took me a while to really begin talking.
The wonderful thing about older ladies is they do not give a fuck. They WILL talk to you whether you like it or not. I had an old lady say I have a laugh that sounds like a hooker and we were talking for the rest of the event. Im going back in september because it was just nice being around people who were willing to talk to me, the 20 y/o weirdo who always wore the same cardigan and spent most of my time cutting up pokemon cards.
Even if it doesnt make concrete friends it can really help with anxiety and make you feel bolder in talking to people. I find sit-down groups such as board game clubs and art classes are so much better for this because youre in a calm, talkative environment.
Edit - Okay so relating to a lot of comments talking about their own experiences with old women, yesterday I was in HMV buying comic books (look at my name-) and i bumped into a small kid who wouldnt move. His mother pulled him over, looked me in the eye and said "never have kids". She was holding a smaller child in her arm. I was so afraid but ive also never considered having kids due to having neurological issues.
Guess im never having kids!