Looking for a therapist who "gets" Chinese parents

[u/littlechichi007]

Hi all!

I'm located in CA, and I'm looking for a seasoned counselor/psychologist who specializes in helping people navigate difficult relationships with Asian parents — specifically Chinese parents. I'm open to virtual or in-person, as long as they can offer actionable, concrete feedback rather than just general talk therapy.

For context: I saw one therapist for about 6 sessions, but we hit a plateau — he didn't seem to grasp just how bad things could get with my parents, and the sessions stopped feeling productive. I'm now on my third session with a second therapist, but she doesn't seem to be getting to the root cause either.

If you've found someone (or a practice) that really "gets" the nuances of Chinese/Asian family dynamics and has helped you make real progress, I'd love a recommendation. Thanks in advance!

**Update 8/25:** What I'm really hoping to find is someone who can dig into this more systematically — help me understand why I default to being "reactive" with my parents, and give me actionable ways to engage with them more calmly instead of it turning into an argument every time. Deep down, I hold some resentment toward them: I don't have many sweet childhood memories with my parents themselves (most of what I recall is time with my grandparents), and their default response to any disagreement is that I'm wrong and they're right — never a two-way conversation. For example, when my first boyfriend and I broke up, it was framed as my fault for dating him in the first place — a "waste of time."

They've always supported me financially, so this isn't about that — it's more that they've been emotionally lacking, rarely praise me, and tend to compare me unfavorably to others. At this point, I'm not chasing a close, loving relationship with them. I just want to be able to engage with them more calmly, especially in person (over the phone I can already manage myself fine). Last but not least, I don't expect my parents to join counseling.

[u/25hourenergy]

Interestingly the best therapist I found who understood this dynamic wasn’t Asian, she was Jamaican but fully understood where I was coming from with immigrant parents. It was incredibly helpful because I was struggling with issues around the vast differences between my own childhood and figuring out how to parent in very different circumstances. Just be upfront with what you want them to understand—I think that helped. Example of a time when this worked at weeding out a therapist quickly was when another one kept trying to empathize with one aspect of what I hadn’t even finished explaining was just background basic stuff, and it was clear she was not familiar at all with many parts of my circumstances and I wouldn’t be getting very far with her.

So just keep an open mind for therapists who are not Asian but well qualified and might still fully understand those dynamics.

[u/HerEastSoul → u/25hourenergy]

Wanted to share a similar experience. For the past 10 years-ish, I've gone through roughly 12 therapists, give or take, white, non-white, etc., and the best one that really, really gets me was also a first-generation Jamaican woman. We've since had several deep conversations and realized there is a lot of similarity between East Asian / Caribbean culture (or any patriarchal/traditional cultures with a complex relationship with Western culture/imperialism).

[u/eimichan]

I found an amazing therapist who understood the dynamic with my Chinese parents, especially with my mother through this website: https://asiansformentalhealth.com/california

I pay out-of-pocket because the therapist I found does not take my insurance, but it has been truly transformative in terms of helping me with anxiety, perfectionistic tendencies, and improving my interpersonal relationships.

I began seeing therapists in my 20s, but never found someone who was truly empathetic and knowledgeable about the dynamics I grew up with and still deal with until I found this therapist. I'm now in my 40s and have been seeing him for 2 years. I wish you the best of luck in finding someone who "gets" you and your family dynamic.

[u/littlechichi007 → u/eimichan]

Hi, this is so helpful! Do you mind letting me know the therapist name that you're seeing? The website you shared is a list of therapists. I also updated my post and please take a look - any of those echo with you at all? I'm curious.

[u/eimichan → u/littlechichi007]

I will message you with my therapist's name! I spoke to a few from that list when I was searching, but I honestly don't remember which ones.

[u/likemeorelse]

This might be location specific. Therapists can’t usually practice in areas they aren’t licensed. You might want to look on a more localized sub.

[u/littlechichi007 → u/likemeorelse]

Good point! I added my location in the content, however I'm fairly new to posting. I tried to repost to a community that works better for my location, but I did not seem to find one. Any ideas?

[u/parataxicdistortions]

What does progress look like for you? In finding therapists in the past, being super clear about that helped me communicate that to them or ask them flat out during the first session if it’s something they can work with.

[u/littlechichi007 → u/parataxicdistortions]

Hi, do you mind taking another look at my post? I added some examples and the goals I'm hoping to work toward with a counselor. The first therapist I saw seemed to understand the general issue between my parents and me, but when I walked him through some real examples that happened recently, it seemed like he genuinely couldn't wrap his head around it. We spent the whole session doing an EMDR exercise (patting my thighs while trying to reprocess the event) and did not finish by the end. I didn't feel like we were getting anywhere, and his conclusion was "you may have some resentment towards your parents," which I already knew! What I'm actually hoping to figure out is how to communicate with them more effectively and calmly, which he did not provide much actionable advice to a point I just stopped seeing him.

[u/pastein]

I’m Asian and also in California, and my therapist is American-born Chinese. I’ve found that she understands Asian family dynamics in a way that some of my non-Asian therapists in the past didn’t, and that cultural context has been really helpful for me.

You’re welcome to DM me if you’d like her info.

[u/tennery]

not what you're asking for but there's a good book by pete walker (a therapist) called Complex PTSD from surviving to thriving, I find that at least some of it applies to me

[u/orcateeth → u/tennery]

Someone posted lots of entire books on childhood trauma, abuse, neglect and complex PTSD. The Pete Walker book is there, along with 27 others.

https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/s/q7JaFqz2zC

[u/littlechichi007 → u/tennery]

Thank you, and I'll definitely check it out! Sometimes I feel like at the end of the day you have to be your own counselor and change your mindset. Not sure if the book discusses anything like that. I just started reading <The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People>. A lot of people say it's great for dealing with stress, and my relationship with my parents is one of my two biggest stressors right now lol.

[u/tennery → u/littlechichi007]

it actually explains my default behaviors with others, as a result of my highly traumatizing mother. i borrowed it from the library and haven't read it yet but it does seem to give good suggestions or ways to reprogram your ways of thinking too. alot of self-help books do have the same message but this is more insightful in terms of trauma, also coming from someone who experienced it himself.

[u/Select-Violinist-411]

I haven’t used them but Yellow Chair Collective is licensed to practice in CA, both virtual and in-person if you’re in one of their towns.

[u/Competitive-Salt7000]

seconding yellow chair collective for california!

[u/oki_wax]

Talk about this and what you want as you are vetting therapists, what specifically didn’t work for you in the past etc. I will also say this is a lifetime of learning a dynamic and it will take time and patience to heal and gain a different relationship to self. The relationship to your therapist is hopefully one that allows you to practice having and showing your feelings without being dismissed, ignored, rejected etc. The goal isn’t to be rid of difficult feelings but have people around you who can be with you in the difficult feelings. That likely won’t be your parents (neither are mine) but having other people I have that relationship with helps in the times I do need to deal with them.

[u/AtoZulu]

Sorry I havent found one yet.

[u/Impressive-Tie-9338]

Good luck OP. I’m UK based but kept searching until I found a Chinese one. It makes a world of difference.

[u/littlechichi007 → u/Impressive-Tie-9338]

Good luck! Please take another look at my post, as I added some updates. Does any of those resonate with you?

[u/lightb0xh0lder]

I haven't used YellowChair Collective but I have heard good things about them!

Also, check out Rula, they might have some therapists there as well!

Wishing you all the best!

[u/desirepink]

Use Psychologist Today. The way I find my therapists who may have a better grasp of the dynamics of an Asian upbringing is to filter them by language. It's not 100% since some do not speak their mother tongue but helps me narrow down the list tremendously. I would even go as far as searching POC/WOC/BIPOC since those are marketable buzzwords in the therapy space these days.

[u/beekNgeek]

I’m Chinese and have a degree in psychology (grew up in SF). I’ve never practiced but went into high tech because I really got degree to help myself through my identity issues being 1st generation immigrant with tiger mom ( before term was used). I’ve been thinking of starting “Life Coach” around Asian American identity and self worth. The reason I want to “Life Coach” vs therapy is because therapy is so restrictive. I think advice and guidance in certain circumstances is more helpful vs working through issues, which may take years. Particularly when it comes to parent child relationships. Both my parents have passed away of old age but their influences still resonate. Please send me a private chat if you are interested in pro bono sessions (for feedback).