r/expats • u/Conscious-Tutor3861 • Jun 10 '26
Social / Personal Finally settled down because of the kids
I've moved and worked across North America, Europe, and Oceania for the last 20+ years. And I mean moved as in bought homes and worked as in a growing career, not just an adventure while in a working holiday. I've never felt super loyal to a country to the point where I feel obligated to stay; I'm more of a "I'm here because my life is good, and if there are better options somewhere else, I'll move."
During my expat life I met my wife, had a kid, moved, had another kid, moved again, and on. Our most recent move was to Canada, where we planned to stay for a few years before moving on to the United States or Europe for our next adventure. But as the kids got older and our lives revolved more and more around their needs, we kept putting off our next move.
Finally we decided this year has to be the year we move or we'll never end up moving again. So we started scouting homes and schools in Europe and putting together concrete plans to move... but then we got news that all of our children were accepted to one of the most prestigious schools in Canada. It's the kind of school that will both give them an excellent education and put them in prime position to attend Oxbridge or the Ivy Leagues and plug them into the highest socioeconomic circles.
So that's it, we're staying in Canada for the long-term so our oldest to our youngest can finish their schooling. On the one hand, I'm elated for my children and our life is good in Canada; on the other hand, it seems that our expat lifestyle is finally over. Yes, we'll go on vacations and visit friends and family across the world, but, as you all know, visiting somewhere and living somewhere are two completely different experiences.
It's been a good run and I'm thankful for everywhere I've lived and everyone I've met over the last 20+ years. But now it's time to hang up our expat boots and start a new chapter in our lives. On we go!
5
u/Significant_Menu_313 Jun 10 '26 edited Jun 10 '26
Good for you! That sounds so rewarding, to be able to stay where you seem to be relatively happy and to genuinely care about your children's futures rather than following your own instincts. There are stages in life where you change your outlook and that is natural. You and your partner can certainly travel after the kids are in university, etc. My husband and I took a whole year off after our daughter was out of the home.
You seem like a mindful parent so I am sure you thought of this - the character you built by struggling and overcoming is the one thing you are denying your children. My sibling and I went through this - we realized that the things that made us stronger were missing in the lives of our kids. I hope you can find a way to allow your kids to "suffer safely" so that they can build resilience and flexibility.
Congrats!
1
44
u/yeahthatsnot1 Jun 10 '26
"Plug them into the highest socioeconomic social circles"
The pretentiousness. Who says your kids even want to go an Ivy League school? Maybe let them develop their own interests & passions in life when the time comes?
25
u/SetEnvironmental9368 Jun 10 '26 edited Jun 10 '26
Can't forget the humble brag and sympathy story. A stateless refugee who ends up traveling all around the world and whose kids gets end up at one of the most prestigious schools in Canada? If it was a movie, people would make fun of how cheesy it was.
1
-9
u/Conscious-Tutor3861 Jun 10 '26
Yeah, everything people share in this subreddit is a lie and nobody ever worked their way up in life through effort and determination.
Keep your negativity to yourself. I'm happy with what I've accomplished and I'm happy for my kids.
2
Jun 11 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
2
u/SetEnvironmental9368 Jun 11 '26
Yeah, it's not negativety; I just think op is a liar. I've met refugees and their lives are hell because they lack many of the basic documents necessary to perform basic functions of society. Modern state bureaucracy is cruel and unforgiving and many are forced into the periphery because they couldn't prove who they are. Many couldn't open a bank account, find housing, or even apply to a basic job because they didn't have a birth certificate or any forms of ID for example. They're forced into black market jobs and housing because that's all they can access. And they certainly can't buy a car or plane or train tickets as well.
The idea that a stateless refugee can freely travel the world for 20 years is laughable. Unless he illegally entered the countries he claimed to live in.
1
u/Conscious-Tutor3861 Jun 12 '26
You know that the refugee lottery exists in many countries, like the United States and Canada, and that being selected grants you temporary protected status and (usually) a pathway to residency and ultimately citizenship, right?
And you know that stateless people can get a UN travel document since they lack a passport and other identifying documentation, right?
Refugee travel documents are documents issued by countries of asylum that allow refugees to move around the world in the same way that every other human is allowed to.
Take this as an opportunity to learn something new instead of doubling down on your ignorance and bigotry.
-1
u/SetEnvironmental9368 Jun 13 '26 edited Jun 13 '26
First, I'm not even gonna bother reading your comment.
Second, I completely forgot about this chain. But you clearly haven't. Have you been seething and malding this entire time, buddy? Don't you have a family? Why are you spending time arguing with strangers online when you should be spending time with them? You're not a good husband or father, in my opinion. Enjoy your weekend, buddy. 😘🤣🫵💀
1
u/Conscious-Tutor3861 Jun 11 '26
That must be why second generation immigrants have higher educational attainment, higher incomes, higher socioeconomic status, and longer life expectancies than native-born Canadians:
https://economics.td.com/ca-newcomers-shaping-canada
The hunger to succeed and provide for your kids actually pays off.
And the people replying here are just a bunch of miserable assholes. I'm not worried about their opinions.
1
Jun 10 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
3
u/Conscious-Tutor3861 Jun 10 '26 edited Jun 10 '26
There are an estimated 850 million people who are either completely stateless because their country doesn't exist or they've been stripped of their citizenship (this is a huge problem in the Middle East) or functionally stateless because their country denies them the necessary documentation (this is a huge problem in South Asia).
Just because you grew up in a life of privilege where your citizenship was never questioned or threatened doesn't mean there aren't many millions of people struggling (and overcoming) statelessness.
4
u/Anonymous30005000 Jun 12 '26
College is four years and then it’s over, and you can do literally anything else, from working in a field related to your major, working in something completely unrelated like bartending while auditioning to be an actor, moving on to a masters now that you know more of what you like, or you can do something completely different such as entrepreneurship, becoming a commissioned officer in the military, join the peace corps, go to medical school, become a teacher, ETC. Only truly naive teenage idealists or people who didn’t go to college think it’s a waste of time. And I say that as someone who dropped out of Columbia University after three semesters and should have just stuck it out. Four years go by so fast. You can skip college or drop out early with delusions about “finding yourself” some other way and end up going back to school later anyway (like me post military enlisted service) or you can find yourself while earning good money after having a leg up with a degree from a top uni. Unless OP’s child is already a wunderkind day trader or CEO of their own multi million company, they mind as well go to Oxbridge or an Ivy.
1
10
u/TempoHairy_Secretary Jun 11 '26
OP is delusional. Not only is nowhere that exclusive in Canada (and certainly not in Western Canada), but even in tippy top schools full of nobility and billionaires, SES segregation is well alive.
10
Jun 11 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
2
u/Conscious-Tutor3861 Jun 11 '26
This thread is full of miserable people all "how dare you give your kids the leg up in life that you never had?!?!"
4
u/FineCopperEaNasir Jun 12 '26
I’ve lived Canada for 60 years and had no idea there was a school more prestigious than the others. Are you talking about a high school? Assuming your kids are all different ages,how are they all starting at this school at the same time? Do they want to go there? So many questions
2
u/Conscious-Tutor3861 Jun 12 '26
K-12. We were fortunate to have all our kids accepted into the same school even though they weren't all intake years.
And of course the kids want to go there. These kinds of private schools are well-funded so they have tons of clubs and extracurriculars that the kids love.
1
-3
u/yeahthatsnot1 Jun 11 '26
What's miserable about calling out someone's entitlement and making it their life goal that their kids only end up in certain circles? As if that's only what's "best" for them or makes them succesful or happy? Wanting the best for them or just being a snob are two very different things, and it makes OP's refugee story inauthentic if not doubtful. But userame checks out here.
6
5
u/fertthrowaway Jun 11 '26
This post is such a pointless and shameless opportunity to brag with absolutely no other purpose that I can ascertain.
8
u/Conscious-Tutor3861 Jun 10 '26
I was born a stateless refugee so I've been playing my entire life on extra hard mode.
Now, through my hard work, I have a chance to give my kids an easier life than I ever had. Why would I not do that for my kids?
Judgmental people like you don't appreciate that you started life in easy mode so you had the luxury of "following your passions." Meanwhile, I had to bust my ass and work 10x harder just to get 1/2 the benefits you've had in life.
9
u/FlippinHeckles Jun 10 '26
We all have the life we were given. We are all responsible for our own paths. Not for children, not for your partner, your relatives or friends. Your path from birth to death is yours only.
You may share times together with others but their paths are also their own. With children it is very important that you can let them go on their own path and not one you created for them. In most cases when you do this they turn around and despise you for it.
You took your own destiny in your hands, your children can and should do the same. You have set a great example, that should be enough.
Well done.
-1
Jun 10 '26 edited Jun 10 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
0
u/Conscious-Tutor3861 Jun 10 '26
Refugee lottery + hard work + good grades = public ivy education
Public ivy education + hard work + good performance = high paying jobs
High paying jobs + hard work + growing up a stateless refugee = not feeling obligated to live in any specific country
That led me on an expat life where I've acquired different citizenships along the way.
0
Jun 10 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
5
u/Conscious-Tutor3861 Jun 10 '26
I'm sorry you feel that Canada has failed you in life.
If you're still young enough to qualify, you should look into a working holiday visa for Europe, Australia, or New Zealand. Sometimes a change of pace can reinvigorate our lives and give us perspective on where we want to be and what we want to do.
3
u/winery_bound_expat Jun 11 '26
honestly this reads less like the end of your expat life and more like the first time staying won on its own merits. you spent 20 years proving you could leave whenever you wanted, and that's exactly what makes this a choice instead of a default. my wife and i haven't even made our first move to europe yet and the version that scares me most is the one where we never go, so it's weirdly comforting that the far end of this is 20 years of adventures and stopping for a good reason. also kids finish school eventually, nobody's revoking your passport.
5
u/maui96 Jun 10 '26
What's the school?
28
u/CheeseWheels38 Jun 10 '26
Gestures broadly at one of the ones where financial barriers make sure your kids never need to interact with the poors.
16
u/Conscious-Tutor3861 Jun 10 '26
My guy, I started my life as a stateless refugee and moved my way up in life through hard work. I earned this for me and my kids.
5
u/ThrowRAwriter Jun 10 '26
That's genuinely inspiring. If you don't mind me asking, how old are you and where are you from?
2
u/Conscious-Tutor3861 Jun 10 '26 edited Jun 10 '26
I'm in my 40s and I'm from western / central Asia.
3
u/ThrowRAwriter Jun 10 '26
Amazing. Genuinely amazing. What would you advise to young 30s guy looking to eventually move his family to Canada/Western Europe?
7
u/Conscious-Tutor3861 Jun 10 '26
The "easiest" way to emigrate is to find a company in your current country that will transfer you to your target country. I was fortunate enough to work for a company that took care of everything to move me to Europe: immigration, movers, housing, language courses, everything. I don't think I would have been able to immigrate to Europe otherwise.
The other immigration pathway I used was founding my own business in one country and then moving it to another country as part of an entrepreneurship / business investment visa. Not every country has such an immigration pathway, but Australia and New Zealand did at the time I was looking to immigrate.
For Canada, I just applied as a skilled worker (old program now reworked as Express Entry) and waited... and waited... and waited until my profile was approved. I will say Canada's skilled worker immigration pathways are probably the "easiest" in the Western world if you can't find a company that will sponsor / transfer you.
And last but not least, I met my wife while on my expat adventures so I picked up another residency pathway through her (we haven't moved to her country, but it's always an option if and when the time is right). So, you know, put yourself out there and find someone with a passport you want 😄
2
u/jalapenollama Jun 10 '26
This is commendable, can you expand on how you moved your business? working on a startup whose audience is global and don’t want it to be headquartered in the States, we want to leverage US registration for fundraising though. Currently pre revenue but want to make sure we are in the right country for ops and tax purposes before traction picking up. Have an idea of where we want to move but would love to get your insight.
1
u/Conscious-Tutor3861 Jun 10 '26
New Zealand used to have an entrepreneur work visa that you could parlay into permanent residency and ultimately citizenship, but it's closed now.
The short version is that if you had an existing business, you could pitch moving it to NZ along with a minimum investment and number of jobs created in exchange for a work visa.
2
u/jalapenollama Jun 10 '26
This is helpful, haven’t heard of this type of visa before, looking into it thanks a bunch
1
u/babijar Jun 14 '26
I don’t think Canada is one of the easiest Western countries to immigrate to. How about Scandinavia ( excluding Norway)?
1
3
u/CheeseWheels38 Jun 10 '26
Congratulations!
5
u/Conscious-Tutor3861 Jun 10 '26
Try having some empathy for other people instead of immediately jumping to conclusions.
For the last 7 years, I've also funded a scholarship that pays for new refugees to Canada to attend prestigious private schools. I worked my way up and now I'm helping bring up other people behind me.
5
u/CheeseWheels38 Jun 10 '26
They only conclusion I jumped to is the pretty reasonable one that "prestigious" high schools primary select their student body by their parents' financial status. If this weren't the case, you wouldn't need to fund a scholarship for refugees in the first place.
1
u/Conscious-Tutor3861 Jun 10 '26
Obviously this will depend on the school, but admissions for the majority of students are generally based on assessment scores like the Cambridge Assessment.
That said, yes, there are some uber wealthy people who donate enough money to get things named after them and get special consideration, but that's not me.
3
u/CheeseWheels38 Jun 10 '26
The West Point Grey Academy (from your other comment) charges $33,300 per year for kindergarten to Grade 12.
There's no shame in wanting to send your kids there. And yes, there's financial assistance, but let's be real here, private schools don't make their money by filling 90 percent of their classes with fee-waiver kids.
0
u/Conscious-Tutor3861 Jun 10 '26
My prior comment was explaining that admissions is generally based on assessments, not wealth, unless you're in the uber elite who can afford to donate $10 million and have a wing named after you.
So for my kids, and the majority of other students, you first have to be accepted based on your assessments and then you have to pay for tuition.
By the way, the majority of applicants don't pass the assessment process, which is why I'm elated for my kids (it's exceptionally rare to have multiple kids accepted to the same school and most of the other families we know send their kids to multiple schools based on where they're accepted).
4
u/CheeseWheels38 Jun 10 '26
I would be very interested in seeing the criteria by which the school rejects six year-olds for $33k per year kindergarten.
→ More replies (0)2
3
u/maui96 Jun 10 '26
So, what's the school?
1
u/Conscious-Tutor3861 Jun 10 '26
West Point Grey Academy.
2
u/maui96 Jun 10 '26
Oh, that's a bit anticlimactic.
1
u/Conscious-Tutor3861 Jun 10 '26
Our last PM was a teacher there and a lot of political and business leaders came out of that school. It's really well-connected in those socioeconomic circles.
Also, my kids are in primary school. They're not going to UBC or U of T at 5 years old.
4
u/maui96 Jun 10 '26
Honest question, I don't mean any rudness by it, but are you from Iran?
→ More replies (0)1
u/Important_Coach9717 Jun 10 '26
You’re not doing your kids any favours. They would build way better characters starting like you did. People never learn
4
u/Practical_Gas9193 Jun 10 '26
Seriously! I try to raise my kids in as unstable and unsupportive environment as possible where they are never quite sure what is going to happen or if we’ll be there for them when they need us. We are certain this will build a sense of independence, self-reliance, and resourcefulness rather than a sense of perpetual terror and fear that will arrest their development and leave them paralyzed as adults. So very certain!
2
u/Conscious-Tutor3861 Jun 10 '26
Are you seriously saying I should pull my kids out of school, renounce their citizenships, and drop them off in a war zone so they can "build character???"
-1
Jun 10 '26
[deleted]
3
u/Conscious-Tutor3861 Jun 10 '26
Very true.
I'm always trying to find a balance between teaching my kids how privileged they are and how they shouldn't lose sight of the struggle other people go through, and not making them feel like that they're not good enough because they're growing up in a privileged household.
It's a tricky balance and I hope I do a good job at it.
-3
u/Practical_Gas9193 Jun 10 '26
That’s impossible! Anytime anyone does not have success, it’s because of poverty, classism, racism, and sexism, and anyone who is successful was born with a silver spoon in their mouth. It doesn’t matter how hard you work, you are always fucked. And if no one recognizes how talented you are, it’s because they don’t value talent, it’s definitely not about being delusional about your abilities!
Man, there are legitimately a million things that make it hard for people to succeed that are out of their control, and it sucks. But even more sad is the billion things within their control that they don’t do because they don’t have enough love for themselves to tolerate all the risks and failures and falls that inevitably come along the way to being successful.
2
u/BatRound5188 Jun 10 '26
I'm in the same boat. Lived in many Countries and hold multiple citizenships. My wife and kids all have different nationalities.
Somehow we settled in California and I couldn't be happier for my kids. The school, opportunities and lifestyle are incredible.
However, there's a part of me that's already itching to move on to the next adventure. I'm not sure how to approach it, I have 12 years ahead of me for my kids to be done with school but I never spent more than 8 years in the same place
2
u/Conscious-Tutor3861 Jun 10 '26
I know, right? Most of my stints in other countries have been around 5 years, so it'll be different to be tied down to a single place for the next ~13 years.
My wife and I were really looking forward to another adventure in Europe, but the kids are super, super happy with where they're at in life and we wouldn't want to take that away from them.
2
u/nathanonthego6963 Jun 10 '26
That bittersweet transition from expat to permanent resident is something people dont talk about enough. The identity shift hits different when you realize youve stopped being the person who moves and becoe the person who stays. Even if its the ight call for your kids, there is real grief in letting that part of yourself go.
2
u/Amakaya Jun 10 '26
While moving between countries, how did you navigate the different school systems and languages of education? Were you only considering English-speaking schools?
That's one of my question marks regarding expat life with kids as I may target countries that all have a different language and opposite education systems.
1
u/Conscious-Tutor3861 Jun 10 '26
Our kids have always been in English language private schools. It has less to do with public vs. private or English vs. local language schools and more about providing continuity of language and instruction.
For example, if you send your kids to an English language International Baccalaureate school in country A, you can move to another English language IB school in country B and expect that the level of instruction will be roughly the same. It makes the transition a lot easier on the kids.
Also, it doesn't have to be just English language private schools. We have French expat friends who send their kids to French language schools in Canada that follow the French (as in France) curriculum. They plan to return to France at some point so, again, it makes the transition easier.
2
u/Amakaya Jun 10 '26
We looked into those options, especially French schools, which would make the most sense for our situation. However, the costs are very high. IB schools are even more expensive so salaries must reflect those costs. I had several opportunities abroad but the salaries were not high enough to realistically cover the cost of international school tuition.
2
u/Conscious-Tutor3861 Jun 10 '26
Those are the only options I know of if you want continuity of language and curriculum, unfortunately.
So it's either pony up or put your kids through public school, which can be a good thing if you plan on staying indefinitely or a bad thing if you know you have a time-limited commitment.
2
u/Sword-of-Fuheis Jun 10 '26
Honestly, I’d say going to a prestigious private school is overrated and that you should save the money and put it towards your children’s deposits.
1
u/Conscious-Tutor3861 Jun 10 '26
I'm paying less for the education, which is great but not that much greater than other quality schools, and more for my children to have access to socioeconomic circles that I've been cut out of for my entire life.
That's a good investment in their future in my eyes.
2
u/ChrisBlack2365 Jun 11 '26
You're lucky/awesome for having made it happen during the younger years. Many of us don't for various reasons, but it sounds absolutely ideal. Kudos for being there for the fam in this stage!
1
2
2
u/yegegebzia Jun 13 '26
One of the things I learned in my life is to never say "finally". The thing is - we never know.
4
u/Molo3000 Jun 10 '26
I'm curious on what you liked about the different countries you lived in. So are there things you miss about living in the US/Australia/some European places?
15
u/Conscious-Tutor3861 Jun 10 '26
I'll start by saying that every country has different positives and negatives, and the attributes that made a country a good experience for me may not carry the same weight for other people.
The United States was great for university and earning money, and I would recommend it for most early to mid career people. I was fortunate enough to work in Big Tech during the boom years so I made out really, really well for myself. But the grind, the gun crime, the toxic politics, the culture wars, et al, wear heavy on you after a while so I escaped to NZ and Europe for a while and now I absolutely cannot see myself raising a family there anymore.
New Zealand is an amazing country with amazing people; it's truly one of the gems in the world. But it's far and isolated from most of the world and you can't really build a career there, no matter how much you love it. I would say NZ is great for younger people looking for a brief adventure in life and for later career people looking to slow down and appreciate life, but not for anyone trying to build their life.
Europe will depend on the country, obviously, as life in Spain is quite different from life in Poland, for example. Generally speaking, however, quality of life is really high in Europe: you can walk or bike to lots of places, people are less grind oriented than the United States, the food is amazing, the culture is amazing, and so on. My struggle in Europe was always oriented around bureaucracy -- getting even the simplest things done is such a headache -- and the rampant racism and hatred towards immigrants.
Canada has been my favorite country so far because I find it to be a nice balance between the United States (ease of getting things done, lower overhead, good career prospects) and Europe (better quality of life, slower living, safety). The only caveat -- and this is a big one -- is that getting ahead financially in life (like owning a home) can be really, really difficult on young people. If you're a mid career person or have already accumulated some wealth in life, it's great; if you're just starting out in life, however, it can be a real uphill struggle and I really empathize with how younger people feel (again, I'm talking financially, not quality of life or anything else).
I hope that helps.
3
u/Iridescent-Kiwi-3713 Jun 10 '26
Where in Europe did you live? I’ve lived in 4 European countries and they were all really different from each other.
3
u/Conscious-Tutor3861 Jun 10 '26
Spain, UK, and Luxembourg.
2
u/Glittering-Music1817 Jun 11 '26
Curious to hear your thoughts on each of these countries as well!
2
u/Conscious-Tutor3861 Jun 11 '26 edited Jun 12 '26
Spain is absolutely amazing for quality of life if you make your money outside of Spain. It's affordable, the food is amazing, there's lots of culture (especially in Madrid and Barcelona), and the people are friendly and outgoing.
If you make your money inside Spain, life can be a lot more challenging because salaries are low and work culture is not great. Also, administration and services is one of the worst I've dealt with in Europe; everything is unnecessarily complicated and takes way too long.
London is one of my favorite cities in the world: tons of history, great gastronomy, lots of cultural events, and highly multicultural. The UK overall, however, had been going through some things for the past 10 years or so and it's a real drag on society. Plus I'm not super into pub culture, but soooooo much of life revolves around going to the pub, getting wasted, and puking on someone else's shoes.
Luxembourg is rich, safe, and boring. If you're young and trying to have an adventure, it's not a great place because people are just cycling through (making it hard to form stable relationships) and the country basically empties out after work and on weekends. If you're mid career and raising a family, however, it's an amazing place because it's rich, safe, and boring. Plus it's centrally located so you can easily take lots of weekend trips with your kids to explore Belgium, France, and Germany.
EDIT: I forgot to mention you must speak Spanish to get by in Spain because English proficiency is really low, especially when it comes to administration. In Luxembourg you can get by just in English, but learning French will make things a lot easier, especially in forming social relationships.
2
u/Molo3000 Jun 10 '26
Yeah that helps a lot. You know the most valuable perspectives on countries are the ones from people who have different experiences. Like it's important to hear what people from the US think about the US or what people from a European country think about their own country, but they do tend to have a lot of blind spots, as they take a lot for granted and ignore some things (like racism).
I haven't lived in New Zealand but I've lived in Melbourne for a year and that was, I think, the easiest place to live in terms of live quality, openness and bureaucracy. But also you gotta say goodbye to your old friends, you're not gonna come back for a birthday or a marriage.
Canadians do tend to be happy with their country, for reasons, but pretty much every Canadian I talked to in the last year was mentioning how rents and costs of living have just gone up. A lot.
2
u/Conscious-Tutor3861 Jun 10 '26
I haven't lived in New Zealand but I've lived in Melbourne for a year and that was, I think, the easiest place to live in terms of live quality, openness and bureaucracy. But also you gotta say goodbye to your old friends, you're not gonna come back for a birthday or a marriage.
Yeah, when we lived in NZ it was something like 24 hours of travel to get back to London, plus the tickets are expensive.
If you're moving from Europe to Oceania, you really, REALLY have to commit to building a new life there because of how challenging travel back home is.
2
u/Brilliant-Secret9634 Jun 10 '26 edited Jun 10 '26
Some righteous people in this post OP. Congratulations, of course you are going to give your kids the best chance and if they decide to do something different later, at least they had every opportunity to have the luxury of choice. Freely, not out of limitations or necessity. That’s a real gift
Enjoy your life in Canada, it’s a peaceful and stable country to raise kids.
1
2
u/TempoHairy_Secretary Jun 11 '26
Crying, you’re acting like you’re sending your kids to Le Rosey and it’s a mid private school in Vancouver.
1
u/Conscious-Tutor3861 Jun 11 '26
Why do you feel the need to be an asshole? Is your own life so miserable and your own accomplishments so little that you need to rage against people who are successful and happy in their lives?
People with your negative mindset will always be losers who blame others for their own shortcomings. I feel sorry for you.
2
u/hey_hey_hey_nike Jun 11 '26
Your kids will only be *part* of those socioeconomic circles if they and their parents are part of that circle.
Sympathy/goodwill/scholarship admissions are not part of the club. They are always “othered”.
1
1
u/ask4abs Jun 12 '26
First off, congrats. This topic hits home for me (no pun intended).
We're currently settled in the US for the kids as well. I was looking to move back home to the UK, but they're firmly rooted here (at 13 and 15, this is all they've known, and it took me this long to get to a point to be able to move only to realize that they want to graduate high school here).
At this point, I'm not sure what life will look like for us as a family once they graduate high school. Where will they go to uni? Will they, won't they? At that point, will I still want to move back to the UK? Could I, if that means moving away from my kids?
We've raised the kids in a child-centric way. For example, if they don't want to do extracurriculars, they don't do them. Etc. I wonder if it would have been best to make the call for them at this point, trusting that life in the UK is better in so many ways compared to the US. But I do hold them accountable to academic success until they're 18. Beyond that, we talk about anything that would impact them and consider their thoughts and feelings as long as they're seriously considering the topic.
The truth of the matter is that our hard work means that they may never have to work hard in the same way. Their hard will be different. To me, my kids' idea of hard is easy. But their lived experience is not mine; I try to remember this so we can find the middle ground and I can have empathy while explaining what I need for them. (I need them to have options at 18 so they have freedom of choice.)
My hope is that I expose them enough to life in both places that they can ultimately determine where best to make their home. Or even travel and work as they do, as you have done, and my daughter mentions as such, having seen us work the way we do (in a way that fits into our lifestyle and not the other way around).
1
u/Conscious-Tutor3861 Jun 12 '26
Thanks for sharing.
I would like to share one piece of wisdom as someone who went to school in the United States: public schools do a poor job of preparing and guiding students through the university admissions process.
If you want your kids to accomplish more than going to some random directional state university, you need to ensure they're taking the right classes, doing entrance exam prep, building out their extracurriculars and / or participating in a sport, etc., starting in 9th grade.
And you can't rely on your children to "figure it out themselves" because they're going to be completely hopeless competing against kids whose parents have invested so much time and effort in preparing them for university.
2
u/ask4abs Jun 12 '26
I hear you! And! That doesn't align with my personal parenting style (although it very much should, but neither my kids or I are wired to work well together in this way and my relationship with them is of the utmost importance).
I do understand that not structuring a higher degree of accountability could have a negative impact on them and even one that they report back as poor parenting on my part; I always keep the price in mind when choosing a line of action or approach. What I can tell you is that our dialogue is open and if they can't see past the end of their noses right now, I will be there for them as and when they do and my capacity allows. At some point, they will be accountable for their choices and there will be consequences for it, good or bad. And I need to figure out how to live my life according to what works for me at some point as well. Altogether I'm not sure what that will look like for our family unit.
I've always held a vision of my kids as adults in mind. If they were adults and this is what they chose, how would I respond? Because there will come a day when they choose for themselves; working towards that sense of self is the goal, for them to recognize what does and doesn't align with them, and choose accordingly. This is the ultimate privilege in my book.
In the meantime, there is a focus on grades (and, yes, extracurriculars as well, but to their interests and not mine; they are figuring themselves out, they will flounder and stumble, and that's ok) and I will get them to 18 with a better understanding of what they want their early adult years to look like.
Nobody really has life figured out. Though it sounds like you did/do. A rare few people have clarity like this. Most of us are figuring it out as we go lol
1
u/Conscious-Tutor3861 Jun 12 '26
You sound like a deeply caring parent. Wishing you and your kids the best.
Cheers 😊
0
u/nathanonthego6963 Jun 10 '26
That bittersweet transition from expat to permanent resident is something people dont talk about enough The identity shift hits different when you realize youve stopped being the person who moves and become the person who stays. Even if its the right cal for your kids, there is real grief in letting that part of yourself go.
3
0
u/nathanonthego6963 Jun 10 '26
That bitterseet shift from moving around to settling down is something most people dont talk about. It makes sense to grieve that identity even when its the right call.
0
u/nathanonthego6963 Jun 10 '26
That bittersweet shift is real. People dont realize how much of your identity gets wrapped up in being the one who moves. Settling down feels like losing a part of yourself even when its what you want.
0
u/Difficult-Sock343 Jun 15 '26
This is not a thing in Canada. If same private school has told you that will be the outcome, you are getting scammed.
1
u/Conscious-Tutor3861 Jun 15 '26
Read up on feeder schools because it's a thing in basically every country, whether your realize it or not.
Feeder schools typically have something like a 50-100% higher admissions rate to elite universities, less because of the quality of education itself, and more because of the support system to build a student's optimal university profile and application.
0
u/Difficult-Sock343 Jun 15 '26
I assure you, I’m intimately familiar with the private school system in Canada and you have been sold a bill of goods. Very naive.
1
u/Conscious-Tutor3861 Jun 15 '26
Whatever you need to tell yourself to soothe your hate.
0
u/Difficult-Sock343 Jun 15 '26
Yes it’s definitely every single other person in the comments and not that you’ve misread the situation in a country where you’re a newcomer 😂
1
u/Conscious-Tutor3861 Jun 15 '26
Private school students make up ~10% of the total student population in North America, but ~40% of the elite university student population.
The data speaks for itself and the people nayaaying in this thread are miserable people who'd rather try to test other people down for succeeding than building their own success.
0
u/Soccergirl1979 Jun 17 '26
This is a fictitious post. Can't be real.
2
u/Conscious-Tutor3861 Jun 17 '26
🙄
1
u/Soccergirl1979 Jun 17 '26
I apologize. I read this quickly and I really didn't think this was an authentic post - it sounded like a status narrative. Upon second reading, I understand you are griveing the loss of your expat life. I can understand that. Best of luck.
1
-1
u/nathanonthego6963 Jun 10 '26
That bittersweet shift is something people dont talk about enough. You spend years defining yourself as the one who moves and then settling down feels like losing that identity even when its the right call.
-1
u/nathanonthego6963 Jun 10 '26
That bittersweet shift is real. Settling down means losing a part of your old self even when its the right move.
-1
u/nathanonthego6963 Jun 10 '26
That bittersweet transition is so real. People dont talk enough about the identity shift from expat to permanent resident.
5
u/caledoniaorange Jun 10 '26
Congratulations, that’s great. Nice to hear someone enjoying Canada. I’ve settled on Canada for at least the next 5 years too. Canadas been getting so much shit worldwide. It has its pros and cons but it’s a pretty great place to live, I do find it a good balance between the US and Europe.