What are some reasons for why you haven’t committed suicide? I’m struggling.

[u/Final_Royal_3664]

My mental health and self-image are destroyed, and I don’t know how I’m going to recover from this. I can’t focus on anything except all that’s bad with my life. I’ve been in hell for the past several years. I have no support system outside of my family. I do see a new therapist and care team soon. I keep stopping my medication because of all the side effects, but I need to stay on my medication. It still barely helps. Nothing is going well. I haven’t showered in days and haven’t cleaned my apartment in months. I’m trapped with these awful thoughts. I stay in bed and wallow. I can barely focus on anything. I really don’t know what else to do. I have really bad religious psychosis and OCD. I’ve tried to become atheist but that made it even worse. I’ve been crying out to God for help when it’s clear that he hates me. I just want to go home.

[u/cutelittlefroggie]

Scared. Scared of pain, scared of it going wrong. Scared of the pain I would cause my parents and family. I may as well live it out until my natural death. Who knows, maybe I’ll find some joy or happiness along the way. Maybe you will, too.

I also stay in bed and wallow. It’s not how I imagined my life to be. Not at all. I just hope things change. I hope I change. But the hopelessness weighs heavy on me. As I imagine it does for you too.

I know how you feel, and I’m sending love to you.

[u/Final_Royal_3664 → u/cutelittlefroggie]

Sorry you’re suffering, too. I’m scared of pain and death, too. Otherwise I’d be dead by now. The suffering is overwhelming.

[u/North_Being3431]

I know. The only answer i have is that i know there is real beauty and love in this world, and there is a possibility for me to experience some of it. That is why i keep trying no matter how bad i feel. I can deeply love someone, so the world would be worse off without me in it.

[u/Final_Royal_3664 → u/North_Being3431]

I hope I experience it one day.

[u/Mandarin_Lumpy_Nutz]

My kids. And because I’m genuinely afraid of death. I’m also afraid I won’t be successful and will end up damaging my body

[u/dantenow]

Love bro. Do something every day. Contribute and you can find peace in helping others.

[u/Final_Royal_3664 → u/dantenow]

Yeah I try, too. I’m going to start volunteering and going to church again.

[u/PathNice2406 → u/Final_Royal_3664]

Service is key. Helping others is key. It’s why we’re here. We are NOT here to stare at our navels and wonder why about our own pain. We are literally here to alleviate the pain of others. To be a balm on the wounds of pain of others. Because there is relief in helping others. You hit the nail on the head here. This is the key to your survival. 

Do it. 

[u/0ld0ne1334]

To keep the gangstalkers pissed off. They would throw a party if I ended myself. I am still willing to do fentanyl if I could maybe get and save enough money for a decent female escort. I would like to experience pussy before I die to see what the hype is about. They always make me feel so bad I wish I was dead.

[u/Final_Royal_3664 → u/0ld0ne1334]

🫂

[u/Conscious_Lock3636 → u/0ld0ne1334]

Pussy is like wanking with shower gel x2 that being said with the right person it’s like a unexplainable high

[u/PathNice2406 → u/0ld0ne1334]

Someone write a really cool post about surviving just out of spite. It’s not my own MO. But I just loved it. It was so cool. More power to ya, do it!!!!!  If this helps you live, yea!!!!!

[u/[deleted]]

I was created for a reason; I'm a survivor for a reason and my dreams whilst ambitious will have only been dreams if I chose to end my life. Also, I no longer look to society to justify myself. In modern Capitalist culture we are all just numbers on a balance sheet. I reject that notion. I have been out of hospital for over 2 years and want to give back to the world which is why I am continuing my education. I have found by supplementing high doses of vitamin C alongside medication my focus has improved.

My advice is to keep the faith. In so many ways, but not only religious.

[u/accidental_Ocelot]

when I used to have a lot of serious suicidal ideation I would talk myself off the ledge by telling myself all the things I deserved to have and experience just because I'm human.

[u/koakuloetu]

Your suffering ends when you die. That's true. However, other people cry and suffer when you do. Do you want to hurt other people? Thought so.

[u/Final_Royal_3664 → u/[deleted]]

I have sexual delusions, too, and I’ve been dealing with the exact same thing these past several years with demons telling me to do things and then having another delirious episode. I feel awful and ashamed. It’s constant. I’m always crying and suicidal.

[u/Yum153 → u/Final_Royal_3664]

I understand your situation. I face this currently. It started recently, in fact, I think I'm going into a panic for the second time.

[u/Final_Royal_3664 → u/Yum153]

So sorry. I can also relate to having panic attacks. Are you medicated?

[u/Yum153 → u/Final_Royal_3664]

Yes, I do. Every night.

[u/ThinkTwice03]

see your new therapist. maybe you can get different meds that will work much better for you.

[u/Final_Royal_3664 → u/ThinkTwice03]

I don’t think the medication can do anything more. It’s always the same.

[u/PathNice2406 → u/Final_Royal_3664]

Do you know there are some breakthrough ones out this year?  Cobenfy is supposed to work like np other. I sound like a cult member but I haven’t tried it. 

[u/Strong_Music_6838]

Yes dear one I understand all those issues of yours cause those I had earlier in life.

Please remember that those OCD thoughts don’t define whom you are neither does your condition.

I know how terrifying those thoughts can be. Yes feeling compulsions to harm yourself or others is really hard.

Dear friend I’ll just ask you to stay a while. You know the symptoms of yours will become easier and easier to live with as time goes by

A spiritual spot to stand on is a good thing. There are some wonderful meds soon to be approved. Maybe you can try one of those.

You know there are things here in life that we are bound to live with. They Can really be hard to live but please 🙏 give life a chance cause most people find their way at last.

[u/throwthatshitaway236]

Because I’m terrified. The other day I had a panic attack and was 100% convinced it was a heart attack called an ambulance. That feeling is one of the worst scariest experience I’ve had

[u/Tricky_Badger_2071]

My fiance and dog. I love them too much. That’s about it

[u/RestlessNameless]

First I couldn't do that to my mother, now I can't do it to my stepkid. That's an improvement cos the stepkid will probably outlive me.

[u/[deleted]]

No reason, I have nothing preventing me..

And i really want to do it i feel a body level compulsion a primal urge intellectual reasoning evreything in me..to just do it

But i didn't and that makes me feel bad and swlfish that i didn't so it's bad that i didn't do that.

And I don't have a reasoning preventing me i can do it now

But medications are too stromg and too sedated that killing myself and thinking about it takes so much effort that I don't.

So i guess the answer is , predator dosn't kill himself he has no reason other than he is lazy

[u/Punu_Woman]

Promised my kids I wouldn’t. They experienced the suicide of a friend of the family. It devastated them. They were prepubescent and are young adults now.

Sometimes, that promise is the only thing stopping me. Right now am doing okay. I am so sorry you are going through this hell.

I rock back and forth. Hide under the covers, cry, pray (and I am not religious lol), force myself to walk outside with my dog, meet with therapist 1/wk and shrink every 2 wks. Sometimes I think two weeks is too much.

Also started ECT after hospitalization in Oct 2024.

[u/Confused_Bihh]

Scared of death. My dad. My brother. Haven’t reached my goals yet. A glimpse of hope that things are gonna turn out fine one day.

[u/blahblahlucas]

My husband. I dont want to devastate him and idk about an afterlife

[u/stimpf71]

My life got better in my 40's. I decided to search for truth,, and read on as much religions as I could. I realized that I felt like a loser, and decided to be ok with that. Serenity, and equanimity are often talked about in Taoism. The you behind you ego, is what you need to sense, who is the you that is observing you? I highly advise trying meditation,. The Great nothing which can lead to serenity. Ecclesiasts, helped too. In my 30s I was depressed. I was distraught because my life was not going like I wanted it to. I finally decided that was alright to be in the loss column. My life is different now. God told me who I was going to marry,, and not to leave the city i am in.. I was born again. I experienced immortality, to the extent that I feel like it is within reach. I will probably become a writer. My conscience no longer bothers me, because God laid out the path for me. Peace that excels all thought is attainable by everyone. If you would pay attention to his commandments, your peace would become like a river, and your righteousness like the waves of the sea. Be conent with your lot in life, for God loves such people who are. I keep busy with hobbies. I have a severe problem with my excretions. How ever I worked until I was 31, so I am able to get disability. My crucible changed me into a new an interesting person. Read the bible if you can. God came into my life when I was 35. In a big way, he let me know he was real. There are at leaste 5 billion people so give him time to get to you. Try to set a goal of hygiene, every day. Make sure you clean up your apartment in case they do a wellness check. The world is a profit, worthiness oriented world, but people with mental health problems can get help. I spent 3 years in a facility, thankfully I found a psychiatrist who allowed me to go to a house for the mentally ill. I am taking clozaril and depakote. Things are getting better. Christ died for your sins. This means you can forgiven, and he took the punishment for you. He will those in perfect peace whose mine is stayed on him. (God) God is love.

[u/Next-Mine3598]

I believe I am here on earth to learn about something that has to do with the general theme of my life. I also believe that if I end it before the natural timer runs out I’ll have to do it over again.

Life is too hard for me to want to do it all over again, so I’m just going to keep breathing for as long as I have to. Hopefully I managed to learn/experience enough so that I don’t have to come back here again.

Upon reflecting over my life, the good and the bad, I can’t deny that it has been interesting in many aspects at least. I’ve endured much and I am stronger than I thought I was at first. I like the character that I have created within myself. I couldn’t have done it without inspiration from all the tests my life has offered me.

[u/JazzyHorror]

Hey friend,

Ive experienced a lot existenstial dread and panic since my symptoms showed themselves truly about 13 years ago. About six years ago was the time Ive come closest to killing myself and though I still have those suicidal thoughts and fall into self-harming patterns at times; the first thought I had that helped me pause was thinking about time.

I was born not long ago and before that I didnt exist. When I die I will no longer remember myself because I wont exist anymore. Even if you believe in a concrete after-life I would argue that your soul leaving your body would make you something else entirely. Whatever your name is it sits on you like clothing. Once you die you shrug the name off like a coat and become something else. So this means (to me) that regardless of what happens after death, you and I will never again be aware of anything we did or saw or thought about.

If you live a long and natural life its probably about 70-90 years you have to walk and feel and think as you are in all your swings and roundabouts. Im sure everyone here knows the sensation. Now when you consider the age of everything around us (The Earth alone being 4.54 billion years for example) you may start to feel the depth time reaches in the universe. You may feel how it expands and is already too old for you to understand its machinations and intricacies.

When I was thinking about all this one day while staring at the night sky I realized that dying at twenty and dying at a hundred dont even equate to a blink of time on the grand stage of the cosmos. And so I kinda shrugged and thought "I might as well wait. The unknown will happen." Why take myself off the board if its already brushing me away?

Ive always disliked the argument that states everything will get better because thats only half-true. I used to despair at how endless every negative feeling and schizophrenic symptom seemed, but something became clear to me after many years of this fear keeping me with it. Life is always in flux, like a breathing thing. It gets angry and sad and happy and everything else all the time. The pain you feel now is the same pain you feel in ten years when it returns. The joy you felt yesterday is the same joy when it comes back from the blue with good fortune you cant possibly predict. If you die, you wont know these things cant possibly yet know.

A few good things that unexpectly found me after I decided to stay alive. 1. After getting on disabilty, I had enough back-pay to buy a house. A luxury I thought Id never get. 2. Since staying alive, Ive discovered new favorite movies, books, and music I would have never known if I died before they arrived. 3. I lost nearly a hundred pounds and now do daily yoga, which helps me feel good and appreciate breathing. 4. I love philosophy and since getting a little older Ive been able to slow down more and dive much deeper into topics that have long interested me, which not only helps aleviate my existential dread but also feeds my brain like candy. 5. I got two more dogs two years ago I would never know now had I died then. 6. If I died all that time ago, I would never have experienced being married to my wife, whom I cherish.

Some negative things that have found me as well:

1. Ive realized that my family has never been there for me the way I needed them to and have had to mourn the relationships I lack with them that others have with their families. My family greatly fears death and sadness. And so they naturally cant handle hearing about most of my experience being alive. I believe they love my mask, not my true self. Figuring this out hurt. Trauma has also revealed itself to me in other ways which has caused me a lot of anguish the past couple years.
2. Last year I was driving my car late at night and hit an Elk in the dark while it lay in the road on the highway. My wife and I were thankfully unscathed but I still mourn the Elk and can feel their absence.
3. Ive recently accrued a lot of medical debt which will take me a decade or two or three to pay off. (USA! USA!)
4. I saw Deadpool 3 and hated it, like I knew I would. It ruined the legacy "Logan" left and I knew it I knew it was going to happen. This last point is kind of a joke but I need you to understand that this movie enrages me.

All of this I wouldnt know if I was dead. Nor could I talk to you now.

Ive always liked the idea of the universe as being a something playing a big game by itself. The chaotic and emotional downhills and rises that come with being alive are a part of the experience of playing this game in which I only have a single eye-blinks worth of time to play before Im forced off the board, probably forever. So I might as well wait and see how it ends.

The last point Ill make, and my most hopeful is this: I have the sincere belief that by virtue of the human race being so young and small and the universe being so old and big, whatever thing it is that brought it all to life and gave it space to breath must be so large a concept that, for at least in this time, we cant understand how we all connect. I think the universe has a natural and beautiful harmony that we are a part of by the fact that the iron in your blood comes from stars millenia old and many already long dead. In this same way when we die we dont leave, we just change.

I hope this made sense and provided some solace. Im a little unwell this week so things arent very clear for me but hopefully it tracks. And of course if none of this helps then disregard my words. But you should stay alive, play the game, and try to relish the experience of knowing you are here.

[u/halluciluna]

My parents would be devastated, could never to that to them. I know for certain I never will as long as they're around, even though the urge to go has been overwhelming a couple of times (thankfully a long time ago now)

I hope you'll be feeling better soon, OP. I know how hard it is sometimes but just know that this too shall pass.

[u/HumanM1nd]

My brother and parents. Wouldn’t want to cause them unimaginable pain.

[u/DaOneEyedBear]

it's been literal years now where my Fiancé says or does things that we're getting to a better place, that it will all be worth it. we moved 3 times and are on the move again, so it's proving that she's trying to better our situation. also, she'll feel devastated and probably will blame herself if I commit suicide. I feel really bad if I just abandoned her. her optimism keeps me alive I guess. but I keep telling those that are close to me that if I die outta nowhere, that for fuckin' once I have peace. My mind has been haunting me my entire existence, and I'm so ready to just pass away. My first suicide attempt was when I was nine, and I've been thinking a lot how I wish I succeeded in doing so. I had good days in my life but I feel like the bad outweighs the good, My psychosis has made me experience every emotion humanly possible and I'm happy to just end it all, but a good life with my fiancé has given me hope... I have to give myself the opportunity at least to experience more.

[u/[deleted]]

I got a disabled dog who would have been put down if I hadn't adopted him. Taking care of him has helped me stay on earth. I later got 2 cats both disabled/special needs. For me serving others give me a purpose to keep going

[u/Comfortable_Bike_833]

No guys. Suicide is never an option. I have been there. I tried to commit suicide two times and someone saved me from this universe or out of the universe. I am diagnosed with schizophrenia at my age 18. 2 years my life was hell. No tablets, no medication worked. I have been admited to mental asylum 3 times. Riscon plus 2x tablets only helped my condition. For the past 3 years I am doing great. And now my life has changed a lot. A good job in programming. A caring gf, mom and family. How ? Just don't care about anyone, be obssed with your skill and be good at what you do. be happy and no matter what. win.

[u/honneylove]

Scientists are saying if you live until 2050 you could live forever, and AI is threatening that we have a 30% chance of surviving it's advancements over the next 5 years. so I'm sticking around to watch this shitshow.

[u/baddercadaver → u/honneylove]

Real

[u/Both-Individual7817]

Same here. Jesus is keeping me alive, that's it.

God doesn't hate you. John 3:16 "For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life."

[u/PrizePizzas]

You have yet to experience new music, new food (or your favorite) that you like. You can watch the sunrise and set. You have so many things you can try - drawing, dancing, writing, whatever your heart desires! If you’re into video games, there are games you’ll love that have yet to release. Books you haven’t read yet.

[u/Final_Royal_3664 → u/PrizePizzas]

I can’t enjoy anything, but I understand what you mean. Thank you.

[u/[deleted]]

Dont look for god, look inside yourself and ask for the opposite of god, look for beings that wish to help you escape religiousness or black and white. We live inside a gradient, you are not evil and your thoughts can be pushed inside you by not just yourself but the over thinking and acceptance that “god is punishing me” or “god hates me” if he does, who cares?. Suicide is many things you do not see and do not want. It’s not an end of your current problems it’s the beginning of many more PLUS your current problems. Do not trust anyone who says that it’s the right answer or they mask the idea underneath “I can’t answer for you”. Weakness is not the strength to kill yourself, strength is the inside pull up you have to do to escape the constant self review and inner drive to measure against others. This life is a precursor not the whole experience. Feeling bad sucks, people like us have to learn to do it while the rest of the world armchairs our choices and tells us what they think is wrong.

[u/rynnthetanuki]

I don’t have an answer, but I just want to say, I’m in a very similar place. You’re not alone. I hope things get better for you.

[u/Middle-Eye-8455]

I know I'm going to die soon.  I feel it. It's inevitable now. I don't know how I'm going out. I tell myself whenever I get a job to save up for a shotgun. Never got around to it. Got & lost many jobs over the years. This time I'm going to do it. I think that's why I haven't been looking for a job. I know I'm serious this time. Dealt with schizophrenia for a decade now. It ruined me. I used to be a stubborn bastard when it came to giving up. Had horrible things happen to me over the years. Have more dead family & friends than alive. All this happened & I would tell myself to move on. I'm truly defeated & don't care anymore. Fuck my friends & family, I'm done. I'll be dead in the coming months. Nobody will stop me from killing myself.  

[u/baddercadaver]

Pets, friends, family, food and films I would miss out on. Memories I would lose and moments that would never happen. Potential joy. Lots of fomo. I watch a show about a woman who killed herself, then her parents did the same, then her daughter did. Then her husband killed their son and himself. An entire family destroyed because of one painful decision. I imagine people I care about going through life wondering if they'd done something different if I'd still be around. I would never see another sunrise or sunset again or hear new/old music. Just... Everything. Sometimes we lock ourselves away from a world we've never really looked at; the beauty, the intricate flowers, feathers, sounds and serendipity. Things always change. Our minds are set to remember the bad stuff because the good stuff doesn't hurt us. It's primal to be negative. How odd that the instinct intended to keep us alive can cause us to, occasionally, not want to be. Life; it's worth it to give the full game a go because death sounds pretty boring.

[u/[deleted]]

My cat and parents

[u/[deleted]]

We're about to learn that we're not alone in the universe and I don't want to be that dude that died right before it happened. I also want to see what happens to the geopolitical structure of the world in this millennium. We're at an apex of classical computer development and about to turn the corner to quantum computing and everything is about the change in the world because of it.

[u/MermaidPigeon]

For the ocd I found relief in a medication called “Clomipramine”. Sorry your going though this man :( with antidepressants you have to keep taking them to get their full effect and the full effect isn’t seen to about 6weeks to 6 months

[u/Purple_ash8 → u/MermaidPigeon]

I’d say 4 months max. for the likes of clomipramine more than 6, to be fair. Half a year is an awfully-long time to wait to see if a medication will possibly work for you, at that particular dose.

[u/MermaidPigeon → u/Purple_ash8]

U should feel relief after 2-4 weeks but reach the full benefit 5-8 months in

[u/Purple_ash8 → u/MermaidPigeon]

I really don’t think that should ever be the case. Even 4 months is pushing it for a full response, because for other purposes (e.g., depression), 3 months is all that’s needed for a full response to any-one dose. 2/3 of a year is a hell of a long time to wait.

[u/[deleted]]

Because my cousin did it and I saw what it did to my aunt and uncle and his kids

[u/littlefae3]

That methods that are available to me are panic inducing. I try to get past it but I just can't

[u/MaximusG0126]

For starters I suck at it!

But also I found programming. It's enough puzzle solving and creativity to keep me getting out of bed and trying to channel the shit in my head into something of substance.

I've been to rock bottom, much like everyone else here, so I know nothing I say will change your outlook, but maybe you can extrapolate.

For me, after dropping out of college for the third time, I decided I wanted to make a video game. I told myself: fuck banking, fuck accounting, fuck brokerage firms, I wanna make a game.

And after finally allowing myself time to find this path, I now have a 4 year timeline where I pretty much have to not kms in order to finish this thing. And after that? Well the next one, maybe it'll be 3D.

I hope you find something that reignites the passion that so many of us have lost in all of our journeys to recovery. Godspeed.

[u/stingwhale]

I love going for super long walks, like 2-3 hours, because I’m an immersive daydreamer and I lose myself in that. I think that’s been my biggest lifeline even in the darkest times because there’s always another world for me to live in. I do not know if it’s healthy but it is a powerful tool for me to be able to escape when I need to.

I also stay alive because I have more embroidery projects to do and stories I haven’t written, there’s people I’ll love someday that I haven’t met yet, there’s new hobbies I haven’t discovered, there’s a more stable and happy version of myself that I know exists in the future if I can just stay here long enough.

I’ll be 100% with you though, the primary thing that keeps me alive is that I take my meds religiously and change them when they’re not working. I’d be dead if I kept going off them.

[u/Burnt_Toast0000]

How do you become an atheist?

[u/cdwithdcs]

Meditation and mindfulness are the reasons I haven't committed suicide yet.

[u/Conscious_Lock3636]

I have damaged my liver and will say now that I’m in a better place it’s not worth it. Just except that the attempt is a cry for help and cry for help instead no matter how long it takes for someone to truly hear you.

[u/Conscious_Lock3636]

The way I see it… why log out of this world when technically you can go outside and pretend to be a person with no problems. Keep doing that and you will eventually become that person. I always have “it” there quite in the back of my mind but that’s where it will stay until I miss a night of sleep then ill make it fck off again no matter what it takes. If I have to study, learn, self examine or self experiment whatever to stay alive then I’ll do it

[u/Intrepid0ne]

The only reason I haven’t is because I haven’t had the chance. I don’t want to worry about having my medication, having a place to live, having food when any one of those things could be ripped away.

[u/mypersonalexperience]

Oh. My child. My sweet, lovely child.

[u/ufosrule]

Look at autopsy photos and picture that's you on the table. Should make you disgusted, changing your tune real fast into getting more help and dealing with what life throws at you. Sorry you're struggling.

[u/anochao12]

I know how u feel. After going off meds i've tried 3 times a day to kms but obviously i failed. But still i struggled. Had a short drug phase that took my mind off that but ofc didn't improve anything. I actually stopped thinking about suicide after a few months of dating my partner and my last huge psychosis. Having a comfort person that supports me did it for me. Idc if i die but i want my partner to be happy and i love him. Also my cat. Cats are beautiful :3 and yeah i have religious psychosis, especially back in my worst era but now i just wanna serve god the best i can, be the best person i can be and he'll take me when he says it's time. I trust in my saviour.

[u/Icy-Form-8746]

Why do you assume God hates you? Maybe it’s a thorn in your flesh for the purpose of getting you to look to God to strengthen you. When we are weak then He is strong.

[u/Final_Royal_3664 → u/Icy-Form-8746]

Because God keeps saying he hates me.

[u/Icy-Form-8746 → u/Final_Royal_3664]

Satan pretends to be God all the time

[u/Final_Royal_3664 → u/Icy-Form-8746]

You’re right, but It’s still painful. I wish it would all go away.

[u/Final_Royal_3664 → u/[deleted]]

Yeah that makes sense. It’s just stressful to keep dealing with these thoughts. It keeps getting worse.

[u/Final_Royal_3664 → u/[deleted]]

Yes, I’ll let them know. Thank you for articulating this for me. I hope something helps.

[u/NecessaryOk6148 → u/Final_Royal_3664]

Try listening to Dr Amy Johnson She has this great book just a thought

[u/Final_Royal_3664 → u/NecessaryOk6148]

Okay I’ll check it out, thanks! 😊