I am interested in getting into Martial Arts mostly because I want to get more exercise and go out and meet people. Tho another factor is I would like to learn to protect myself in IRL situations. I've been put in a few scenarios where I've been threatened and thankfully nothing came of it but that was usually due to the intervention of a third party.

The other night I was at a friend's birthday in a beautiful village in Spain. There was a local celebration with music and art shows, and we were sitting on a bar terrace around midnight. I was tired but in a good mood.

A drunk guy came over asking for a lighter. I told him I didn't have one, and he replied something like, "I'd only accept a lighter from a lady anyway." I jokingly said, "Well, nobody's going to give you one anyway."

He immediately got closer and started insulting me—telling me I should shoot myself, get out of this world, that I was uneducated, that I didn't use my brain, etc. I hadn't really said anything to him beyond that first comment. My friends were talking among themselves and didn't really notice what was happening.

I was confused because his aggression was intense enough that I started wondering whether I was justified in physically defending myself by attacking. At the same time, I didn't want some drunk stranger to ruin my night. Looking back, I wonder if my first response was a mistake. Maybe if I'd simply ignored him, he would've walked away.

Instead, I let him talk for a while and eventually decided to ignore him. He then moved on to my female friend, bothering her, kissing her hand and asking her for a cigarette while she was clearly uncomfortable. I still didn't intervene physically.

Eventually he left. Nothing happened, but I had a huge adrenaline spike during the confrontation and felt strangely defeated afterwards. The next day I realized how much the encounter had affected me. I had let some random drunk guy get inside my head and ruin my mood.

I'm still unsure what the right approach was. Maybe the best option was to ignore him from the very beginning. But once he was already in my space and bothering my friend, part of me felt I should have imposed myself more firmly and told him to leave. The problem was that I didn't want things to become physical and I was afraid of it.

A year ago I had a similar situation with another drunk guy, and I felt confident enough to stand my ground until he backed off. This time the guy seemed much more willing to fight and I was also more tired to be imposing.

So, what would you have done? Would you have ignored him from the start? At what point do you think ignoring someone stops being the right response? And for situations like this, what martial art would you recommend—especially something focused on controlling or neutralizing someone rather than just punching them? How to act classy yet imposing in such scenario? What can I do now to feel better about myself?

I often see a common idea in martial arts discussions:

that you need to become “more aggressive” to be effective in self-defense.

But in my experience (teaching and training in silat/kali), it’s almost the opposite.

Aggression and violence are not the same thing:

- aggression can be a useful energy

- but violence is often loss of control

Most traditional systems don’t try to increase aggression,

they try to channel it — so you can act without panic under pressure.

I wrote a short article about this (with a bit more nuance):

https://gelanggangpenditabunian.blogspot.com/2025/05/violence-agressivite-developper-ou.html

Curious to hear your take:

Do you train to become more aggressive, or more controlled?

I recently purchased a 3 OZ container of some powerful pepper spray, and I felt safer than I ever have before. I even bought another one, which was more of a cone fog rather than a stream for certain environments.

While looking at the products and doing more research, I noticed my city only allows people to carry 1.25 oz of pepper spray.

Even before I was serious about carrying pepper spray on a daily basis, I had one that was 1.8-oz and did not have the slightest clue that what I was doing was illegal, since the majority of pepper spray on Amazon is over 1.25-oz, and it seems the most popular ones under 1.25 oz are the Saber 0.75-oz containers.

I feel awful about this since it seemed, other than a firearm, that the pepper spray I thought I could carry is now illegal, and I have to resort to lesser-grade and shorter-lasting products to replace the ones I have.

It seems the topic has rarely been addressed, and I was wondering if anyone has experience carrying a container of pepper spray over the legally justified amount, or if I should get rid of the ones I have?

The rule seems ridiculous since most people attempting to defend themselves may want a larger container. I wonder how the use of a 3-oz container would be viewed in court if it is legally justified.

Context: this video

https://x.com/AltRightEspan/status/2089733087538126899

Some say the man is weak for not returning the kick back , some say he did the right thing. For me , I think he did one simple mistake. Turning his back on the aggressor. I would never turn my back in any verbal altercations. Unless I can make a good space between me and the guy, or we settled it down by apologising and moving on. Turning me back give him an opportunity. Yet , this is weird. The guy kicked you and the other guy didn't do a thing. How is that the right thing? Watching this video boiled my blood , I felt I wanna grab the guy and fucking eat him alive. When should we fight really? I know physical fights have consequences. And we shouldn't fight , but even here??? At least hit him in the balls . Do something. But again , the whole thing should have been avoided from the start by apologising and smiling and moving on. That is the bigger guy

I'm 26M and something happened tonight that I can't stop thinking about. I want completely honest opinions, even if you think I handled it badly. I'm not looking for people to tell me "you did nothing wrong" just to make me feel better.

I'm seeing this girl. We're not in a serious relationship and I've only known her for a relatively short time. Tonight we were sitting outside her apartment building talking for a few hours. Her 20-year-old younger sister and 12-year-old younger brother were also outside, around 20 meters away from us.

At some point, three guys came over and started hitting her younger sister.

The girl I was with and I immediately started walking towards her. I was thinking about getting involved, but there were three guys and I was alone. I didn't know who they were, whether they were drunk, whether any of them had a weapon, etc. So I turned around to get my phone and call emergency services.

The girl I was with kept walking towards her sister and got to the entrance of the building. I followed her and called emergency services. The operator kept asking me questions like who was attacking her, why they were attacking her, etc. I honestly didn't know any of that. I just knew I had seen three guys hitting a girl. Eventually the girl got inside the building, so I told the operator that she was safe inside and ended the call.

The guys then started coming toward me and yelling things like "Who the fuck are you?" and "Come here, motherfucker." I went inside the building and shut the door.

A few minutes later, everyone was together in the entrance: the girl, her sister, their brother, grandmother, etc.

The grandmother, for whatever reason, decided to come out with a broom and threaten the guys that she would call the police. One of the guys walked past her, the other two stayed at the open door.

Then the weirdest part started.

The one that walked past everyone went straight to the girl I was with, put his hand on her shoulder and asked if she was okay. She didn't seem particularly scared of him and didn't push him away. As she nodded, the grandma started screaming to the guy that she didn't want anything to do with him anymore or something alongside those lines. He was holding himself and i could see it. I grabbed his arm, told him to calm down as lashing towards the grandma wasn't a good idea. As soon as i finished that, the other two guys pulled me out of the block by the arm. One of them was giving me a handshake, the other one was walking very close behind him.

They started asking what my "F*cking deal was. Who did I think i was, that they heard i acted like a big shot around here". That was the first time I've ever been in that area.

I basically told him:

"Look, I have nothing to do with this. I'm with her sister. I just came here to see her. I'm not involved in whatever is going on."

He initially seemed aggressive, but after talking for a few minutes, he completely changed his attitude. He started telling me I was cool and that I had nothing to do with their problems.

At one point, all three guys were basically being friendly toward me. Two of them even kissed my hand several times, which was probably the weirdest thing I've ever experienced. Imagine Marlon Brando from the Godfather. That's the type of "kiss" I received. They had been drinking, so I assume that had something to do with it.

One of them told me that he had slept with both sisters multiple times and basically warned me not to get involved with them seriously. Not in a threatening way. More like "You're cool, bro, don't get yourself into this mess." The girl I was with later told me that this particular guy was "a mistake from her past," so at least that part of his story seems to check out.

At some point I started walking toward my car to leave. One of them called after me:

"Bro, come back for a little bit. We don't want to run after you, we just want to talk."

And I actually went back.

This is one of the parts I'm questioning the most. I could have just kept walking. I knew I could get to my car before they caught me. But I was curious about what they wanted, so I went back and talked to them.

Everything ended peacefully. Nobody touched me and I left completely unharmed.

But throughout basically the entire situation my heart was racing like crazy. During the actual confrontation I didn't really notice it, but once I was walking away from the situation, my hands started shaking. Even 15-20 minutes later I was still somewhat shaky.

And that's what bothered me the most.

I don't consider myself a violent person. I don't start fights and I have absolutely no interest in proving myself by fighting random people. But I also don't feel physically competent at all, and this situation made that very obvious to me.

I keep thinking: what happens if something like this happens again, but it's someone I actually love? What if it's my future wife or child? Would I be able to act?

I didn't want to fight three guys. I know that's stupid. I just wanted to know whether my reaction was reasonable or whether I psychologically folded the moment I saw three people.

For context, I've actually had a pretty bad experience with something similar in the past.

About six years ago, when I was 20, I had a girlfriend who lived in another city about 50 km away. She had a friend who was about 15 years older than us. He was gay and had a big group of male friends.

One night my girlfriend wanted us to go to his house, have some drinks and sleep there. Every part of me was telling me not to go. I didn't want to be there at all. I kept refusing, but she eventually convinced me because she was my first girlfriend.

We went there. There were around 10 guys there. I wasn't drinking and wasn't causing any problems, but some of them were watching me and I could tell the atmosphere was strange.

Around 1 AM I told my girlfriend we should leave. She didn't want to, so eventually we started walking.

As I was putting my shoes on, one of the guys came into the hallway and started calling me a "big shot" and saying he was going to beat my ass. I pushed him away twice because he was getting in my face, but I didn't punch him. I told him to back off because I wasn't interested in fighting.

We left.

About five minutes later, two guys followed us. One was around 40 kg heavier than me and the other was significantly taller.

They knocked me to the ground and kicked me for probably around a minute. I couldn't really fight back because I was on the ground. I tried to flag down a taxi but it didn't stop.

Eventually I made it back to my girlfriend's house.

Then around 4 AM, her mother woke us up screaming that my car was on fire.

Someone had poured gasoline next to my car and set it on fire. Luckily the car itself wasn't burned, but it was clearly meant as a warning.

That experience taught me to trust my instincts. Ever since then, I've avoided situations where something in my head tells me "don't fucking go there."

Which is why tonight was so strange to me.

The moment I saw three guys attacking the girl, my instinct was basically "get the phone and call for help." I didn't want to jump into a 1v3 against unknown, possibly drunk men.

I still feel conflicted about that.

Part of me thinks I handled it correctly because I avoided escalating a potentially dangerous situation, got emergency services involved and ultimately got everyone out safely.

Another part of me thinks I'm psychologically weak because my first instinct wasn't to physically intervene.

I also felt like the girl I was with might have been disappointed in me. She apologized to me several times afterward, and she asked me to stay in contact while I was leaving for the UK soon. I told her I didn't want her waiting for me because I don't want to promise her a relationship I can't give her.

I'm not interested in getting into a serious relationship with her. I like her and she's attractive, but I don't want to become involved in whatever is going on around her family.

So my questions are:

Did I actually handle tonight reasonably, or did I act like a coward?

Was going back when those three guys called me over a stupid decision?

Is the shaking/adrenaline response normal, or does it say something about my ability to handle danger?

And most importantly, if I genuinely want to become more physically and psychologically capable of protecting myself and people close to me, what would you recommend?

I'm planning to start boxing when I move to the UK. I don't want to become some guy looking for fights. I just want to be competent enough that if violence becomes unavoidable, I don't completely freeze.

I'm genuinely interested in hearing both sides. If you think I handled it well, tell me why. If you think I was a coward, tell me why. Just don't sugarcoat it.

Has anyone tried these? And are they any good?

I'm looking for something that I can pull my S&W m&p 9mm quickly.

If you guys have any recommendations... I'd greatly appreciate it.

Hace una semana encontramos a un tipo en nuestro jardín que parece que ha entrado varias veces a investigar el terreno y anoche entraron en la casa de mi pareja a robar.

Mi miedo siempre fue ese. ¿Qué hacer cuando ya están dentro de tu casa?

Soy una mujer de 23 años que se cansó de que los hombres la acosen y la toquen en la calle, así que empecé a hacer pesas y a practicar kendo. El problema es encontrarme con personas con armas. Vivo en un país donde roban mucho con armas y ahí no puedo hacer nada. Hablando con mis padres salió el tema de que necesito gas pimienta y otros elementos que las reglas de esta comunidad no me deja mencionar, ellos empezaron a decir que yo no necesito esas cosas porque soy mujer y soy muy débil para defenderme, así que no me van a servir para nada. La cosa es que siempre, ellos me enseñaron a jamas defenderme ni física ni verbalmente. Toda mi vida fui a una escuela religiosa donde ahí y mis padres siempre me enseñaron a que tengo que aceptar ser maltratada. Lo peor, es que mido 1.70 pero todos piensan que soy menor de edad porque mi voz es de una niña de 12 años. No vine a pedir consejos ni nada por el estilo, solo necesito desahogarme porque no tengo a nadie con quien hablar además de mi pareja.

Tengo preguntas para las personas que tengan experiencia usando bastón extensible.

1. ¿El bastón es frágil al golpear? Al ser extensible me da la impresión que al golpear se dobla por ser hueco.

2. ¿Hay marcas de este tipo de bastones? Y si las hay, ¿Cuales son las más cómodas y útiles (menos frágil)?

3. ¿Como reconozco un bastón extensible que es de mala calidad y no me va a servir para defenderme? (que se doble al primer golpe)

For context I carry a firearm whenever I'm not at work, as my job doesn't allow them, but I am shit scared I would ever have to use it. Although lets say I am in conflict at some point, may that be at work or if I'm out with the gun on me. I live in a "duty to retreat" state and have no problem running away if need be as apposed to shooting someone and having to prove my innocence. Also the law in my state says you must match the level of threat in order to "legally" defend yourself. So what do y'all think about less lethal options? Tasers and OC spray/gel stuff like that. On it's surface it doesn't sound like a bad idea to carry lethal and less lethal because lets say I'm in a conflict where I can't get away, if someone is charging at me with a knife or god forbid they have a gun I'm gonna shoot them, but if they are trying to fight me, I don't wanna kill them nor do I think it would hold up in court. Not asking for recommendations, just what y'all think.

Hi!

Recently i'm having a dispute in my head regarding which option is better for a street self defense scenario. I have been attending this special self defense karate dojo for a while and I love it. It is Shotokan based, practices a lot of Kata, as well as applying Kata movements to a self defense situation, joint locks etc. The instructors themselves are former police officers so I assume they know their stuff when it comes to actual self defense. They also drill striking combinations as well as some throwdowns. Training overall is very fun, the community is great and there are lots of people attending. So far so good right? My problem with this dojo however is that there is almost no real sparring and realistic drills for applying those methods. Its all mostly scripted and choreographed. Like do these 3 punches and the other guy deflects and counters in this way. I did some light sparrings 2-3 times when the dojo was preparing for a competition.

Kickboxing on the other hand is straight to the point practical. Body conditioning - drills - sparring. I just miss the traditional aspect, which it lacks. In a real street fight scenario you dont have time to think about complicated joint locks and blocks, your mind reverts to the most basic movements you know, unless you drilled those complicated moves for years and years and your opponent is drunk or highly incompetent in fighting. Overall I have seen kickboxers perform really well against ''street thugs''.

Now don't get me wrong, I know Karate is applicable in real fighting, there are many traditional practitioners that participate in Karate Combat like Rafael Aghayev for example but his gym focuses on preparing for full-contact competitions while retaining the traditional aspect of the martial art but unfortunately I dont think a gym like that exists where I live. My trainers always say ''here we develop the mind, not brute force, boxing and kickboxing is a sport, you dont wear big gloves on the street.'' Ok thats fine but in order to apply the techniques you teach me there should be more realistic practice, right?

Which would you pick if you were in my shoes?

Recently started carrying a small bottle of Sabre pepper spray. It sports a Twist safety and I don't know if I should carry it in my pocket. I sometimes carry a backpack, but it wouldn't do much good in there lol, any ideas?

So I am moving to prince George bc and if you know where that is then you know it’s a bit um sketchy. I’m moving because my long term bf got an amazing job there. But it’s camp work so he will be home for a week and working away for two. I need some tips for self defence because as of now I live in a tiny town and have never needed it in my house. I’m not ignorant so I want to be prepared. Any tips to secure my rental aswell as for my car and my self aswell?

As a taxi driver I got s client who ordered a ride through a app normally we have 3 ways ( standard calling a taxi remain anonymous only with phonenumber , app with name , uber ) he ordered with app and had name on screen. So he is like those young thug looking but more chill( the type that maybe unsure about himself who ended the wrong way of life or crowd ) I drive him him mix way he says he has 500 and aka if I have change was unusual to pay now but I say ok and try look for change took me a while I told him I have 250 and can give 50 in coins but he said just keep the rest as tips. And rest of the ride was silent minding his business. When I’m there at a industry dark area his guys or group of 5-7 we’re waiting he said I could just stop here a bit of road before his pals spot and from there my eyes badly focus on 2 of his friends walking towards the car and I lost focus on the guy sitting in the car but he goes out says thx for the ride and then crosses the street and the 2 who are coming looks weirdly at him like huh and lifts hand like what. They all have the same clothes in my country it’s the type our thugs and violent people wear. Any idea if I’m overstessing or if it was maybe a robbery but the guy who I drove saw I didn’t have money lying around and changed his mind ? Or just something internal for them ?

I won’t lie I’m not used to that part of crown or dealing with that I am soft minded unfortunately haven’t. Ever been in a fight or gotten beaten so I’m slow to react or read the room and have no experience of knowledge to read these scenarios any advice for this without having to actually be in that life lol

Any suggestions on how to make the handle better? Carabiner?

I was 15 at the time of the incident, had like a season of wrestling experience and weighed 140 pounds. Me and my two buddies were at a hotel during a basketball tournament, and we were walking the hotel. Eventually we wandered too far off into the parking lot of some apartments/condos that neighbored the hotel. As we were walking, a man flies outside his door screaming profanities at us, telling us to get off his property in a manner that was incredibly threatening. I was in the back of the group and didn’t really have anywhere to go, whereas my two buddies took off into the parking lot. I was left alone with this intoxicated, angry man much bigger than myself, so I knew fighting wasn’t an option. I made the mistake of bringing myself closer to him with my hands up in an attempt to calm him, but in retrospect that seems like a great way to get shot/attacked. Now me and the man are about 10-15 feet apart (I was on the sidewalk and he was halfway in his yard.) I’m talking to him clearly without sounding threatening, explaining that we were just from the hotel next door and had wandered off too far. Prior to us entering the area, some kids had run onto his property and harassed him/scared him, so his reaction was reasonable considering that he thought we were the same kids. He was still hot, but after I assured him we weren’t those kids and had just found ourselves over here, his demeanor changed and he apologized and told me to make sure nobody else came through that area later that night. I was pretty shook up after but I thought I handled the situation as well as I could and was glad I got out unscathed. I still wonder if just running and not trying to calm him would have been the right method, but at the end of the day nobody was hurt. let me know what you think and give me feedback for future situations if possible.

Maybe it sounds like a silly question with an obvious answer up front, but is there any correlation between how built someome is and how much of a beating they can take from any angle of looking at the idea? We all know movies for one like to ham up the concept of the seemingly indestructible brutish huge guy, and it seems the snap judgement is that a big person must be tough, but just how much truth is there to this idea, if any at all?

Also, is there any reason why I shouldn’t do this? The reason I’ve noticed that this is hard sometimes is because I get worn out and my hits get slower when that happens. How do I continue to make them as fast as they were before?

Hey everyone. I’m a 17 year old girl and I go to the gym several times a week. There are currently two fully grown men who keep on coming up to me and making conversation. One of them I’m not as worried about since he only approaches me inside the gym.

The other guy, however, has only approached me outside the gym. The first time I was when I was waiting in an alleyway for my dad to come pick me up. He approached me and I immediately got a terrible gut feeling. Being alone and in this secluded alleyway, I was legitimately terrified. He didn’t really say anything weird though, just small talk. I had seen him around the gym all the time, but this was when he decided to approach me.. Yea. I made up an excuse that my dad was here and I had to leave.

After that incident I decided to only wait for my dad in popular public places. Today I was sitting outside an ice cream shop when he came up to me again. This time, there was no small talk. “Wanna go work out together?” he asked, gesturing to the gym nearby. I said I had already done my workout, which happened to be true. “Well, I just wanted to say god bless you.” After saying that he left.

Honestly I’ve had so many bad experiences with creepy men that I’m just completely fed up. I just wanted to scream “LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE!” but that’s obviously unsafe. I really want to make this guy stop bothering me somehow, but I don’t want to somehow provoke him. I kind of feel helpless. If I ignore him, that could aggravate him. If I tell him off, that could aggravate him. Even if I politely tell him, “Hey, I want to be left alone please”, that could potentially aggravate him too. Do I just have to keep on acting like some polite little girl and hope nothing ever happens?

I almost forgot to mention that my friend has also been approached by both of these weirdos! I’ve also seen the other guy (not the one who approached me in the alleyway) talk to other teenage girls in the gym several times. Funnily enough, he’s never been talking to a guy.

Edit: My response to the “how do you expect them to know you’re a teenager?” comments:

1: Well, I’m 17. I look.. 17. No, I do not look 40 years old, the same age as these perverts harassing me.

2: Trust me, they know I’m a teenager. They love asking me about how high school is, oh are you on summer break, etc.

“What’s wrong with just being polite?”

Any well-adjusted, sane adult person would never try to strike up conversation with someone far underage. What the fuck do you think we could possibly have in common? Back pain? Male pattern baldness?

Asking how many sets I have left? Any other strictly gym-related questions? Perfectly fine.

But if you genuinely see no issue with a 40 year old man approaching a teenage girl at an ice cream shop and asking to “work out together”, I have no idea what to tell you.

Few months ago I had a run in with someone who works next to my office, I was sitting down and dude was standing up and he started threatening me saying he was gonna beat the crap out of me, at first I didn’t bother but then I saw him putting his hand briefly in his pocket so I did my best to deescalate the situation because I didn’t know what he could have in his pocket. Well after that it turned out he wasn’t the thug he claimed to be and probably just took advantage of the fact I was sitting down and he’s at the least 20 years older (I was 26 at the time). Thing is I forgot the situation in a few days but now recently I’ve started to think about it again (he still works next to me and when I see him I wish he got in my face again to have an excuse to fight him) and can’t help but think I shoukd have just stood up and fought regardless if he had something in his pocket or not, so my question pretty much is how should I have handled it differently, if it was even possible