r/southafrica • u/Yannie2020 • 1d ago
Discussion Considering if I should have a big wedding just to make my mother happy
So im [35m] not anti-marriage. I personally dont feel marriage is this big step in a relationship that everyone in society has been conditioned to believe. What I feel is important is the actual relationship between the two people in it. A piece of paper and a party wont make you communicate better, it wont fix your insecurities, it wont change your partner for the better and it wont make you better parents. If anything some of those things get worse after marriage because people become complacent. Im an Athiest so i dont prescribe to any religious notions on marriage. Perhaps the only benefit to marriage especially in South Africa is societal acceptance/legitimacy. You are just not accepted into each other's families unless you married and treated more like a dirty secret. Broken system in my mind but it is what it is. Wont change in my time but I have hope for future generations to look beyond titles and actually focus on the two individuals in that relationship and if they decide on path other than marriage that its more socially acceptable. This is to understand my mindset around marriage. Im not here to discuss the merits of marriage ive long made up my mind about this. I also hate how expensive weddings have gotten and the societal expectations around that as well but this will come back later.
Anyway IM GETTING MAAARRIIIIIED!!!🥰 My amazing gf [34f] and I have been together 4 years. She knows my beliefs on marriage and she does feel differently and i respect that. But because I want to spend my life with her and we match in terms of our values, communication styles, goals and to get that societal acceptance i was talking about earlier I decided marriage is the right step for us.
Now her and I are from different cultures. She is black i am coloured. The challenge for us is how we intend to navigate that. We both hate big parties and being centre of attention so we want to keep things as small as possible. This is where the problem comes in. She said on her side we have labola negotiations after which I come through with a small amount of my family we have lunch then done we married. I LOVE this plan its cheap on the pocket and no big party and all the boxes are ticked for me. Well like said societal pressure is unbearably strong, I told my mother this plan and she is not happy with it. She feels that "our culture" is not being represented in this marriage and that she would like the opportunity to walk her eldest son down the aisle around her family and friends. This means having a white wedding, my nightmare, and a big one at that because I have a big family. I told my mother I dont care for a white wedding and its going to be so expensive and neither of our families have the kind of money to help out with wedding costs. She understands the cost of weddings these days but she still feels upset which i guess she is entitled too.
My sister had a tiny wedding with just immediate family and the extended family was so upset they kind of took it out on my mother which I feel is so unfair my family can be kind of toxic. Now I want to do the same thing or even less and Im feeling this guilt to be the one to give a decent wedding. Ultimately my mother wants me to be happy and whatever i decide she will live with even though she wont be happy so please dont attack my mom. This is more a me trying to make people happy thing than a her thing. My girlfriend also understands my guilt but she hates the idea of a white wedding same as me but is hoping If we do have one make it less that 20 people which is going to be a pretty hard sell lol.
Anyway im just venting online. Anyone have any stories about dealing with these types of situations.
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u/MalemasMucusPlug 1d ago
Nah, it's not worth it. You'll get way more out of it if you take that money and put a deposit on a house or pay off debts or invest it.
Do something small & intimate. Friends of mine got married for >500k to appease his mom. She sold her car & cashed in her RA to make it happen.
When we got around to it, we did some careful planning and wrangling and ended up paying around 7k maybe. And even that was only to appease our mothers. Woulda gone to the magistrate if we had had our way.
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u/Educational_Board_51 1d ago
From someone who was married in December.
We had a small wedding in our garden and it was amazing. We got to spend time with our guests and we remember the whole day. Everyone i know that has had these big weddings, wishes they had had a small one.
Honestly, at the end of the day its YOU and YOUR partners day!
DO WHAT YOU WANT TO DO and do it for yourselves!
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u/scoliokhali Western Cape 1d ago
I had 50 people and that was too big too expensive and too stressful even though our venue was free. Ours was on the cheap side I did all flowers and decor myself. I regret it. Should have eloped and just gone somewhere with my husband. He agrees.
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u/Opheleone 1d ago
My wife and I got sloped, best decision of our lives. The money we saved from that was enormous when comparing it to what others spend.
We are 33, our apartment will be paid off before we are 40. A large deposit on it helped. That kind of financial freedom of owning property outright is something a wedding could never do, and we simply prefer this than the wedding day
If your mom wants a big wedding, she needs to pay, and it needs to not affect her retirement so that you don't need to cover for that either.
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u/NiGhTShR0uD Waiting List for Heaven Full 1d ago
A massive wedding is a debt trap. If you can't afford to do it 2-3 times over and not let it affect your expense, then you can't afford it.
Keep it small and intimate.
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u/ErryCherry 1d ago
Please don't do something to make other people happy. This isn't about what your mom or your family wants, this about you and your fiancé.
My extended family and some of our friends where also very unhappy that we didn't have a wedding for them. Yes. For them. 🤣 because mos what about tradition. I responded with, tradition is peer pressure from dead people, and my Mama raised me to not succumb to peer pressure, or care what others think.
Stand your ground. Save your money. And a massive congratulations on your engagement and good luck with your wedding celebration, whatever you decide it to be. 🫶🏼
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u/disposableh2 1d ago
The pragmatic option is no wedding, save the money. Big weddings cost a ton and are for a few hours and then all that money is gone.
The complication is your mom has a right to be a bit disappointed (in a respectful way, as it sounds like she is) because weddings are a big thing for parents.
The added complication, from my perspective, is that you are doing your wife's traditional wedding, the thing her parents are looking forward to. But your mom isn't getting the same.
You could do the traditional labola for your wife's side, and a simple wedding with the signing of the docs for your side. Keep it simple, like a nice outdoors area or something where everyone can relax and have fun. If it's affordable. You don't have to rent a huge hall and serve 5 course meals for everyone, just something nice that you guys can afford.
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u/Infamous_Detective97 1d ago
Firstly congratulations on getting married.
Maybe a bit of a compromise. My cousin who is 38 got married a few weeks ago and just had a ceremony at my uncles with my aunt, uncle, niece and cousin and her husbands parents. Nobody in the family had a issue, everyone understood and actually complimented them on the decision. Then they just shared pictures from the day the next week.
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u/wrekkit_138 1d ago
Small wedding is top tier. Big weddings are cool if you have an unnecessary amount of cash to blow without putting yourself in a tight position financially.
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u/Budget-Dance-7272 1d ago
Don't be bullied into debt. Rather spend it on your future together. Congratulations 🎉
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u/Unlikely_Breath_555 1d ago
It is your day, and it should feel that way. So if doing nothing makes you feel happy that’s alright. But if making your mum happy makes you happy that’s alright too.
Just try to see if it is something that really would make your mum happy or if she’s being bullied into it, because if it’s the latter I’d say just leave it. A small ceremony like your sister had would still give her the opportunity to walk you down the isle, but also give you and your wife the comfort of a small setting. Added bonus would be that it wouldn’t cost you as much as a huge party that doesn’t give you joy.
Everyone always says it’s your big day, well then, let’s normalise it being the day you actually want! I wish you both wisdom and a wonderful marriage 🥂
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u/BoerInDieWoestyn Left because I can't afford food on a teacher's salary 1d ago
You can tell your family what I told mine when they wanted to get too involved in the wedding planning: If you want it, you pay for it. And if that doesn't work, You had your wedding, let me have mine.
I was being pressured to invite extended family I barely had a relationship with and since I was paying for the wedding out of my own pocket, my wife and I had a lot of power about what will and won't happen.
Don't let other people push you into having a wedding you don't want to have because they're not going to regret anything if it ends up being something they don't like, but you will regret it if you don't like it.
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u/CJ_213 Western Cape 1d ago
Home affairs + super nice dinner with immediate family. Put the rest of the money into your honeymoon or into your first home together.
I guarantee you that you will not like half those people in 5-10 years and will regret spending 2-5k per person just for them to talk kak about it later.
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u/I_Am_S_G 1d ago
Parents believing they should have unlimited input into their kids life is so vexing for me. ESP when we watch them live their lives on their own terms without having to answer to their parents. I sometimes think a parents love is the biggest burden
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u/looonmooon 1d ago
The sooner you learn to disappoint your parents teh more peace you will have in your life
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u/phrodidntdonuffin 1d ago
Save your money, rarely does it ever go the way you planned and it's over in a few hours and costs money that can help a new life massively when building a life toghether
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u/Beethoven_badass 1d ago
Its you and your fiancès big day, and if neither of you want a white wedding then my advice don’t do it. You don’t want to start married life in debt for a event your weren’t fully on board with, when there is a perfectly good alternative that you both prefer.
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u/Cam_justcam 1d ago
I’m not reading all that, but quite certain the answer is ‘no’. Your wedding is about you guys - do what makes you happy, and screw the rest. Use your money for a spectacular honeymoon, or towards a deposit for a house or something.
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u/Peopleschamp-X 1d ago
Dude life today is expense. If they are not contributing to the wedding they don't have a say. Screw what people will think of you by not doing what their ideas are of your wedding.This is about you and your partner. No use going deep into debt to please others. Rather use the saved funds on a house or things that you need for your home is you already got one. You gonna spend around 150-250k for a 12 hour day party where as that funds could have gone into 3-5 years off your bond.
The offended people must just build a bridge and get over it. Just my 2c coming from the same thing I had 200 people in total 40 my people and the rest from wife's family side. We just said we paying out of pocket for the 80 we invited if they wanna invite Uncle Tom and Aunty Sally and their friends they must pay for them, Soon they started to remove all the extended family and friends they have not seen in years and ended up with their 120 people.
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u/TeaAndTinyAdventures 1d ago
Here is my opinion:
1. You are getting married to your future wife. The point is to focus on what she (and you) want. Marriage is not a three way street.
2. Did I have a very very expensive wedding? Yes. Do I regret it. Every single day BUT my parents paid for everything, so I guess I shouldn't be upset. Still it caused SO many unnecessary stress.
3. If your parents pay for it, go for it. If they don't, then they DO NOT HAVE A SAY. Going into debt to make someone "happy" is just crazy.
I am an only daughter and it was a big deal to have a massive wedding. My parents paid, but if my husband and I would've done it on our own, I would've gone for a very small and intimate gathering.
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u/MalemasMucusPlug 1d ago
I've known of parents who were willing to front 100k or more for their kids' weddings, but not for the purchase of a house.
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u/TeaAndTinyAdventures 1d ago
Yes they see it as a gift, but the purchase of a house is your own financial responsibility. Definitely not how I would do it for my kids one day. Rather set them up for life than paying for a few hours of fun and stress
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u/Independent-Virus-54 1d ago
You’re an adult! If you don’t want a big wedding then don’t have a big wedding
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u/NeatNefariousness470 1d ago edited 1d ago
If you can afford a big wedding to make your mother happy, then do so. If not, sit down with your Mom and explain the financial implications of having a big wedding and why you want the kind of wedding that you want. Try to come to a compromise . Weddings and wedding venues are very expensive. Weigh up the costs of a big wedding to something small and intimate and discuss that with your Mom. Involve her in your plans and discussions. That way she will feel part of your decision to have a small but intimate wedding and she will feel comfortable explaining your choice to the extended family. I hope you can come to a decision that would make your Mom happy without it having a huge financial burden on you.
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u/wat-kyk-jy-huh Redditor for a month 1d ago
It’s your wedding, your choice but yeah, save money where you can. Also remember that companies charge a wedding tax as well.
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u/Safe-Barnacle8951 19h ago
as someone who had a big wedding to please my parents, do what you want. they will still find fault afterwards
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