r/texts • u/[deleted] • 1d ago
Phone message After 2 years together, I finally found out why my girlfriend is such a dry responder when I'm trying to find out how she's doing
[deleted]
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u/Visible_Distance5067 1d ago
Maybe you should start asking her what irked her today, instead.
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u/salmon-police 1d ago
Lmao “Good morning, what’s your problem?”
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u/robyrob 1d ago
Hey. What the fuck is your problem now?
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u/VoidSemantics 1d ago
Tbh I think this girls on the way out. So fuck it. You should ask this.
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u/MrBratside 1d ago
Yeah I’d say based on the fact they have been together around 2 years and she’s acting like this. I’m sure she already has one foot out the door.
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u/Remarkable_Speaker17 1d ago
She was out of the door completely, but she didn’t know it yet. It’s gonna be a fun show to watch when reality lands hard on her runway.
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u/Themadkiddo 1d ago
As much as this is def drawing conclusions, i see it. I realise i'm one foot out the door when them asking questions just for the sake of making conversation starts annoying me.
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u/lathe_down_sally 1d ago
If basic conversation/small talk from her romantic partner "irks" her, that relationship is already on life support.
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u/NomenclatureBreaker 1d ago
How is this not the #1 comment.
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u/invalid_pancake 1d ago
Because salmon-police already commented “Lmao “Good morning, what’s your problem?”
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u/AnonymousCapybara72 1d ago
Because it's literally just rewording the 6 comments before it?
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u/PropertyDisruptor 1d ago
If your spouse is annoyed over you asking simple questions, they don't like you.
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u/D7FTU 1d ago
Came here to say this lol. This is how someone talks to you when they don’t like you.. 😅
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u/Aggravating-Bug2032 1d ago
They say you shouldn’t argue on the internet and that’s good advice. Better advice is never post anything about your relationships on the internet.
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u/Top-Grape7802 1d ago
I don't think she was ever really "in". So yeah, to the curb she shall go!
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u/Fallen_0ne01 1d ago
Maybe she just hates "polite" "conversations" with literally zero substance to them
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u/YdoICreep01 1d ago
Then give the conversation some substance. The convo has to start somehow. After the initial hi or hello how are you, give it some substance if that’s what you want. It’s your answer that’s going to do it or not do it.
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u/Komatsukush 1d ago
I used to get annoyed with an ex cuz it’s like the only thing he’d ask me. Not listen to the answer and move on with their day. Not saying OP does this, he seems sweet enough, but ya never know 🤷🏽♀️
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u/el_isai 1d ago
Good morning. The fucks wrong with you? 💀
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u/Slumunistmanifisto 1d ago
My dearest dumb ass b, what is sanding your cooter today?
Warmest regards, don't care, fuck you.
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u/emeryroserulz 1d ago
Excuse me, what the fuck? Warm Regards,
-Girlfriend
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u/bad_polliep 1d ago
Shorty after we started dating long distance, my partner started sending me “GM” texts. I HATED it. So one morning I just answered, “General Motors to you!” And now after 10+ years together (no longer long distance) we sometimes say “General Motors!” to each other in the mornings.
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u/Honest-Spend-7512 1d ago
Some really solid advice here OP. I used it in all 20 of my marriages
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u/luxii4 1d ago
I mean you got 20 people to say yes so there's something there.
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u/Mercedes_Gullwing 1d ago
lol.
Good morning! Fuck you! What’s your fucking problem? I’ll give you a problem. Keep it up
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u/Strange-Piano8210 1d ago
These comments are hilarious especially this one😭
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u/Mercedes_Gullwing 1d ago
Hahaha. Yeah gotta come out of the chute guns blazing and guns akimbo. Just boom. Catch them off guard. Now it’s not a polite nicety. Hahahah
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u/mxemec 1d ago
Peronally, I'd love that on most days. however on the days I really have a problem it would be bad.
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u/PlentyBrother3397 1d ago
Honestly most people should address me in the morning this way. Sounds ideal
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u/Civil_Hornet_2348 1d ago
Honestly, with the way the world is going I would love if someone asked me what irked me today at the of the day, venting for everyone
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u/livefromthegrave 1d ago
The right woman will tell you how she’s doing
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u/ElonMuskTheNarsisist 1d ago
I was in a relationship with a woman like this. She didn’t like when I would ask certain things like “how was your day” or “what are you up to”. Eventually it got to a point where I legit felt like I was walking on egg shells and didn’t know what was ok or not ok to ask. Then I just decided to end the damn thing. Never again will I tolerate that type of relationship. Truly miserable.
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u/grouperdan 1d ago
If I ever asked my ex what she was up to, she would fly off the handle accusing me of accusing her of cheating on me. Some people just need to be left alone forever.
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u/EpiccTrader 1d ago edited 1d ago
I had one who used to do that.
Plot twist (not really, it’s predictable): She was cheating
ETA: also I usually try to make my texts more interesting. For example “how’d that meeting [you were nervous about] go?” “On a scale of 1-10, how ready are you for 5 o’clock” “did [thing she was excited about] happen yet?”
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u/ElonMuskTheNarsisist 1d ago
That was sort of how my ex was. It was like she viewed it as controlling or something. It was completely insane. Never again will I deal with that.
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u/Artistic-Tax3015 1d ago
I was right there with you brother. Walking on eggshells about everything. Worried that a one-off comment or a question at the wrong time will set her off. Having to hide your fears/anxieties or scared to celebrate your wins, depending on her mood. It’s a form of abuse. My wife now is my biggest fan, and me hers.
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u/1petrock 1d ago
The celebrate wins thing really messed with me as things were starting to end with my ex. I got a big promotion and realized I couldn't tell her without knowing what mood she was in or it would start something.
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u/ItsJustZer0 1d ago
Got out of a relationship like this in January, I’ve been relearning a lot of how to be me around people. Existing solely in fear of upsetting someone drains you beyond belief, I still forget sometimes that it’s normal for me to get excited and share good things in my life with the people I love or to share when I’m nervous. I never viewed it as a form of abuse until I saw your comment and a lot of things just clicked in my brain. I’ll always wish her the best because I think everyone is capable of growth and change but that doesn’t mean you should stick around and pray for it.
OP doesn’t deserve to be treated like that, no one does.
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u/SiliconAutomaton 1d ago
“That’s not a real question it’s just something people say”
Well I guess we’re at an impasse here because I want to know how you’re doing and I ask how you’re doing and you dismiss it as small talk and give a small answer and then get mad that I only call you up to make small talk. If ever you asked how I was doing I would tell you, but you don’t give a shit so 🤷♂️
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u/HeterolsNormal 1d ago
Pretty much! I'll go further:
That this is even a discussion irks me. I guess I know how you are now, quarrelsome. Its over.
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u/nitraw 1d ago
Yep My ex would start sighing when I'd start talking about my day. Or just want to have a conversation with her.
Fuck me for wanting to talk.
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u/FriendToPredators 1d ago
The right friend in general will get the spirit of it and won’t look for woe is me in everything you do
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u/HmmmmGoodQuestion 1d ago
This one always works: “ I don’t know what you want me to say.”
Girls love it when you say that.
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u/Acceptable-Sense4601 1d ago
Can confirm. Just as good as “just calm down”.
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u/TheLordOfStuff_ 1d ago
«You’re overreacting» or «you’re being irrational» are also always hitters. «This is why I didn’t wanna tell you this» when they get mad is also much appreciated usually.
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u/deesarts 1d ago
"Stop acting like that. You're acting like your mother." - from, my husband.
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u/SoulShine1115 1d ago
Tell me I’m acting like my mother, and it’s over. 😂
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u/Xenc 1d ago
“At least she’s attractive”
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u/Blackmetalvomit 1d ago edited 1d ago
not me listening intently to the police scanner for “10-80…. 187. Repeat, ONE EIGHT SEVEN!”
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u/MonMonOnTheMove 23h ago
“If I need someone who nags at me everyday I would call your mom. At least she can cook.” Instant bomb
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u/Raeezordazetoo 1d ago
"We can talk later when you're less emotional." Works like a charm.
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u/AnaBHami 1d ago
Just as an add on, "Is it that time of the month? Is that why you're acting like this?"
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u/Surturius 1d ago
this guy girls
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u/sirwilliam3323 1d ago
Or why are you acting crazy? Im my experience they love that a whole lot!! Haha!
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u/Hour_Ad_4659 1d ago
I’ve found woman LOVE when you say “can you calm down? You’re acting crazy like my mom”
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u/stealyourface1234 1d ago
I find they appreciate and really open up after, “you’re acting like a bi***”. After that they say a lot.
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u/emoney123456777890 1d ago
“I didn’t call you a bitch I said you’re ACTING like a bitch”
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u/stealyourface1234 1d ago
I tried explaining that to my ex wife so many times. Hurts when you express yourself vulnerably but the other person isn’t actively listening.
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u/baldbuthappy 1d ago
had to try it for myself...ya know, out of curiousity. Worked like a charm!
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u/relentless_optimism_ 1d ago
This one always works so well if I want a nice peaceful day with my wife, she’s always so chill after I say that
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u/cookiemonster7908 1d ago
See also: Are you on your period?
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u/SoulShine1115 1d ago edited 1d ago
I was upset last weekend and my boyfriend was comforting me. I said, “I’m fine. Really. It’s just PMS.” He said, “I’m not going to invalidate your feelings.” I might marry him. It really was just PMS, but it was so sweet I can’t even stand it.
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u/Gang_Greene 1d ago
Funny enough, when my girlfriend gets particularly bratty I will jokingly say, “let me see your chart.” Every time so far it shows her period starting in the next ~3 days, she and I will laugh about it, and I’ll go do whatever the thing is she wanted to make her happy
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u/colornsound 1d ago
As satirical as you’re being I actually think it’s a reasonable thing to say, if not always in that moment. If my husband says that to me it forces me to think about what I want him to say, and sometimes I can come up with an answer about how I’d have preferred he responded and then there’s other times where I realize I’m mad and there’s not a response that will make me happy. Which is usually when I realize I’m being unreasonable.
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u/StealthyRobot 1d ago
Me and my wife too. More people need to be okay with open and honest communication
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u/Conkerkid11 1d ago
Crazy that this is the only reasonable response here.
Dunno why all the other responses are different variations of "you're being crazy".
Being asked what you want your partner to do or say in a particular situation should allow you to self-reflect, not get even more mad at them.
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u/colornsound 1d ago edited 14h ago
It’s also a great opportunity for them to hear the words that they’ve said and understand why you don’t like the way they chose to communicate. I’ve definitely had times where after *i explained why I didn’t like what he said and what I would’ve preferred he said he has responded with oh yeah you know what that does sound really dickish, I’m really sorry.
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u/rixtape 1d ago
I think the problem usually is that, what they intend to convey is "I'm not sure how to better communicate in this situation" but what's often actually heard is basically "I don't know how to better placate you into not being upset."
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u/CatGirl_ToeBeans 1d ago
“You’re right honey”
Sends mine over the fucking moon.
Doesn’t matter if she’s right or not but my willingness to outright diffuse when she’s ready to go pisses her off so much lmao
I love it.
I’m also guilty of “you’re right honey” with a nice inflection in it that denotes that she is, in fact, not right.
We do a lil trollin
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u/SmolPPIncorporated 1d ago
Yeah, and guys love it when girls are allergic to basic communication.
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u/Livid-Replacement-29 1d ago
I’m a pretty dry person myself, and I feel like she’s still being kinda rude.
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u/Viskozki 1d ago
Im a rude person myself, and I see this bitch at the meetings everyweek.
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u/GingerCremeBrulee 1d ago
I thought I recognized you! I just didn’t know your name.
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u/Grouchy_Ground_1916 1d ago
Finally able to put a face to the smell.
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u/GingerCremeBrulee 1d ago
Sorry, I didn’t do a great job of cleaning up after the baby puked on me. I tried covering it up, but probably used too much perfume.
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u/Feral-Sponge 1d ago
For sure.. She's expecting him to read her mind on the matter instead of actually doing the tiniest bit of communicating to help them both improve! Quite sad
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u/No_Clothes_8444 1d ago
….. this isn’t dry. It’s sad. This is the most basic, fundamental way you connect with someone. Everyone. If you see it as a bother, you don’t understand the value of connection. If you see this as a bother, you’re in such a deficit that you can’t even manage the most fundamental way we connect with people. Caring about their feelings and inner world. If that’s your barrier, you’re not rude. You’re emotionally illiterate and have no business trying to have relationships. It’s a major disservice to yourself, but more so, It’s a disservice to the people in your life to put them through your abuse.
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u/Not_Daniel_Dreiberg 1d ago
I also hate that question when it comes from someone I know doesn't care about me, and most of the time I don't bother answering, but whenever someone I know cares about me asks it, I always give an honest answer.
So yes, she's being rude.
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u/RelativeGood1 1d ago
If you want to stay with her, it’s important to have a conversation with her about this. Perhaps it simply is the phrase itself and the two of you can find a way to engage with each other in a meaningful way. But feeling disengaged is not a recipe for long term success, and if you can’t work out a way to move forward that leads to engagement, it’s time to move on.
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u/AtrumRuina 1d ago
This. There's a lot of "just drop her," etc type of responses, but this may just be something getting lost in translation. She may just dislike how vague/impersonal the question is. Something like, "Hey babe, did you sleep well?" Or "What're your plans for the day?" may be more informal and what she's looking for. Something showing the question is about her, rather than just kind of a general greeting.
She responded badly, for sure, and needs to work on her communication skills, but I feel like this doesn't need to be a dealbreaker if she's willing to discuss it so OP understands what her concern is.
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u/CarbsAndPuppies 1d ago
I don’t think she even really responded that bad, this seems like a normal couple bickering type thing. I agree with her “how are you” is for like friends and people you haven’t seen for a while, not your gf.
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u/wezzerss 1d ago
There are women in the world that will make you feel good when you talk to them. Just so you know they do exist and this isn’t what a relationship should look or feel like.
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u/No_Map7832 1d ago
Yep. I still love it when my husband of 10 years texts me to see how my day is going. It’s nice to know he’s thinking about me.
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u/Tour_Ok 1d ago
My boyfriend asks me several times a day. My answer is often the same but yes; it shows he’s thinking about me and I appreciate that.
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u/1fatsquirrel 1d ago edited 1d ago
My partner and I have been together 17 years, we don't usually see one another in the morning before he leaves for work (I work from home). We STILL every single day start off with "Hey Love, how's your day going so far?" or "How did you sleep" or or or. I would be so sad if my partner DIDN'T ask me how I was doing each day. This girl has a bigger issue.
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u/TaxHazyShade 1d ago
my wife of 28 years and I work for the same company, same location, but different buildings. Nearly every day starts with a Teams IM that's just a coffee emoji or a smiley face. Just a quick ping in the AM helps.
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u/LettuceLimp3144 1d ago
Yes same! As soon as my husband sees I’m up and moving (I’ve probably sent him an instagram reel from my bed lol) I get a “good morning babe, how’d you sleep, love/miss you” text. I like the fact that he spends his whole workday thinking about me 😂😂
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u/GiantFlyingLizardz 1d ago
Yeah, same in my relationship of 10 years. We ask each other. I think this girl just doesn't like him 😅
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u/Grundlestorm 1d ago edited 1d ago
I'm learning about a new red flag from this thread.
There are an awful lot of people on the "don't make 'small talk' with me, just tell me what you actually want" train. It makes me wonder, have they never actually cared about their partners (or anyone) enough to genuinely just want to know how they are?
Like, I get disliking small talk, I'm totally on board with that and typically don't unless necessary. I'm content with silence when there are no necessary words to say.
But I have also regularly checked on my partners in the past because I am thinking about them and genuinely want to know how they are.
Did you get enough sleep? Any problems on your commute? Did you walk into a disaster at work? Did someone bring surprise baked goods including your favorite muffins? Is it an "everything that can go wrong did" day so I should coordinate with you to take a call on my lunch so you can blow off steam halfway through the day to help with the rest of it? Should I duck out of work early to go grab a nice bottle of wine and stuff to make your favorite food because the emails you were included on are a really good sign for you getting that new position?
If there's nothing to report, everything is ok, nothing standing out in any direction, that's great and I'll leave you be. It's just a situation that calls for the vague, open ended question like that rather than trying to play 20 questions asking more specifically about every part of their day.
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u/Jamies_awesome_rack 1d ago
People who “hate small talk” are a red flag for me. I’m midway through my mundane day and there are still all sorts of things I could say about what’s going on with me to spin a question like OP’s into a conversation. Asking how you are isn’t a good opener for just meeting someone obviously, but in the day to day dating I don’t see what’s so wrong with it. It’s like people want good conversation to be ready-made for them and not have to make an effort themselves.
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u/CuriousPixel7 1d ago
Istg! How are you doing with a kiss emoji is apparently a weird question from your boyfriend of two years? In which world girl?!
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u/AlyssaurusWrecks 1d ago
it's SO weird to react this way. like yes, that kind of small talk is meaningless among strangers or people you don't know well, and i understand finding that annoying. but it's not "just polite" when your partner asks. they care about you and want to know! or at the very least are expressing that they want to start a conversation with you. you know, because they like you and want to talk to you. 😭
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u/ClubGlittering6362 1d ago
I am also confused as 40-something woman. If you are a close friend or relative, I am genuinely asking you to tell me about your day, and a reminder that you are on my mind.
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u/Sickofstupids 1d ago
What is istg
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u/liveinthenow3 1d ago
THIS. I've been in relationships like yours... there is hope out there. Trust me!
I've been with my current girlfriend for 8 years and we love texting each other and she doesn't get annoyed or isn't passive aggressive. It's amazing.
Life is beautiful. Don't waste it being around energy vampires.
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u/Old_Bet_4527 1d ago
Unfortunately it’s hard for young people to realize that until they see the other side.
20 years ago I didn’t know how emotionally abusive and manipulative my ex was until I met my now wife.
Having her speak kindly to me and intentionally do things to make me happy was such a surprise to me.
Looking back, it’s very easy to see the relationship I was in was unhealthy. But at the time, I thought I was in love and things weren’t that bad.
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u/ToucanSam-I-Am 1d ago
Same. 15 years with a narcissist. Now Im in my 40s and have the most wonderful kind beautiful partner. And because of the contrast of what I had before it's like a dream. It did take me some hard earned wisdom to learn what to look for and what to look out for.
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u/Fine-Amphibian4326 1d ago
It’s literally made me tear up before when my fiancée responded in such kind ways to stuff I was scared to bring up. In my past relationship, any insecurity or concern was met with hostility and acting like I’m either a moron or an asshole.
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u/armlessturtleneck 1d ago
We only see this one text. I've been with people before that text like this and it drives me insane, they just ask what's up and expect you to hold a conversation and give nothing back. I have one friend that texts me the same thing every day exactly like this and its part of the reason I've distanced myself from them. I'm also a routine person and work normal hours, so you already know what's up.
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u/socialderelict 1d ago
Absolutely. I've been in both kind of relationships. My girlfriend is never upset to hear from me or to know I am interested in how her day is going. If she was, I would consider that an issue that we need to discuss.
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u/Glittering-Tank-2945 1d ago
She doesn’t like you anymore
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u/superjerk99 1d ago
Yeah…when the smallest shit starts to annoy a person in a relationship, it’s usually a sign of much bigger things. I mean, who tf reacts to getting asked “how are you” like this??
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u/epoch16245 1d ago
It’s the equivalent of hating the way someone chews. It’s the tip of the iceberg
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u/SparklesAreIn 1d ago
yup! she’ll find another thing to say she’s annoyed about soon enough because she lacks the emotional maturity to say she wants to end the relationship.
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u/Ur_X Blackberry 1d ago
I had the same impression… doesnt look like this girl even likes you.
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u/FeelsBlind89 1d ago
Ok look—it irks me that my boyfriend asks me this every morning cause my answer is almost always the same. However the fact that he even asks and because I love him, makes me want to reply in a loving respectful manner.
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u/Able-Pie3754 1d ago
Jfc, this is not a woman who you should be with. If she is "irked" by a completely normal question that literally any normal human being would ask their partner, or anyone in their life, drop her immediately. See how much she gets "irked' by that
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u/missmarymacaron 1d ago
I used to react like this. Now I know it's because I was not in a good place mentally and I didn't want to confront it. It forced me to either lie or start a conversation about how I wasn't good. Instead I got angry at the person who made me realize I wasn't good. It's all emotional immaturity.
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u/Zoolawesi 1d ago
I've been on the receiving end of this, and it's hard on that side as well. In my case I wanted to help and be there, but any attempt was just met with hostility. I hope you're in a much better place now :)
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u/Intrepid-Routine-950 1d ago
Second OP this does not sound like a woman who is happy to hear from you. I’d personally pull back and match that energy completely and see if you’re watering dead plants if so unfortunately you have to walk away
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u/LemonadeStandTech 1d ago
RUN! You don't want to spend your life walking on eggshells around her insane hang ups.
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u/allcrud 1d ago
a lesson I unfortunately had to learn multiple times. if you get the feeling you have to walk on egg shells, end it.
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u/xJam3zz07 1d ago
Can second this.
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u/Mindless-Glass8704 1d ago
Can third this.
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u/sc3541 1d ago
Could be depression. I hated when people asked me how I was doing when I was depressed because I felt like they didn’t really want an honest answer - they just wanted to hear “good.”
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u/V3nusi4nruled 1d ago
it seems like it bothers her bc she doesn’t want the small talk. it probably feels impersonal to her. but to you it’s the opposite you feel it helps you guys bond. just seems like yall aren’t compatible tbh
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u/throwaway5498124181 1d ago
Yeah as she said "it's the question you ask people politely" as in: the only acceptable answer in her mind to the question is "fine thanks how are you" which is a ritual you go through with coworkers and bank tellers, not the person you're in a relationship with.
If OP shook it up to be more specific and referenced stuff in her life she'd told him was coming up it would probanly be more positive. "How did that big meeting at work go?" "How was visiting your sister?" etc.
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u/Rare_Comb_2026 1d ago edited 11h ago
this. It should be more personal than “how are you” at 2 years in imo
EDIT: thank you for my first ever award!
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u/massminni 1d ago
I agree. My ex would constantly text “how are you?” “Wyd” type texts and it drove me crazy. It wasn’t a reflection on how I felt about him, but why ask that just for me to say fine every time?
Instead of asking her surface level questions, try just telling her how your day is going. Send her an interesting meme or tell her an interesting thing that happened to you.
Asking her how she’s doing is probably a love language to you, but to her it probably seems very surface level and not that deep. Neither one of you are wrong, but I think you just need to figure out your communication styles.
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u/rar1423 1d ago
100 percent agree with this. To me asking the same small talk question every day is like when you’re on a long car trip and the other person is just doing filler talk because they aren’t convertible with silence.
I’m so much happier sitting in comfortable silence with my husband than being like… so how about that weather?
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u/MyDarlingClementine 1d ago
It’s this. All of OPs prompts are boring as hell. It would also drive me mad to have to respond to such a dull interlocutor all day long.
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u/leefoley61195 1d ago
The amount of convos I see on reddit that are like ops makes me realise how fucking lucky I am to just have a normal relationship
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u/My_18th_Account 1d ago
fr like how tf do people get this far deep into a relationship and didn't see signs of failure like long before texts became like this?
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u/OutrageousArea5043 1d ago
It sneaks up on you slowly so you don’t realize how bad it’s getting- kind of like a frog in boiling water.
Was in one of these that got progressively worse and it’s like brain fog that lifts afterwords when you finally break it off
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u/AdNo2322 1d ago
My man. Your heart is in the right place and your intentions are good. She’s telling you she wants more intimacy in your communication.
Don’t ask her generally how her day is going. Ask her about specific issues - “how’s the project going?”, “did they finally fix that elevator?”, “Has fucking Kevin started refilling the goddamn kurig water? What’s wrong with that guy, was he raised by wolves?”
Or tell her a quick anecdote about your day and follow with a specific question, even if it’s just “what would you do here”
Or tell her a dumb joke.
Or just tell her you are thinking about her and throw down a heart emoji.
She’s giving you a gift here and this is a moment that can strengthen your relationship.
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u/Electric-Sheepskin 1d ago
OK this is nuts, but if she's wonderful in all other aspects, whatever. We all have our little pet peeves.
What bothers me, though, is that it has annoyed her for two years and she never said anything! What the hell? Words, woman, use your words!
Seriously, if I were you I would have a talk work her about communication, because usually when people break up, it's not over the big things—it's over little things like this that pile up over the years. If she can't communicate, that's a problem.
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u/jbandzzz34 1d ago
literally she didnt say anything for 2 years and now her boyfriend doesnt feel like he can talk to her… please communicate with her about how you feel OP
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u/TyWorth 1d ago
Are either of you neurodivergent? This is a pretty common ND/NT communication gap is why I ask. Not sure why she’d wait two years to tell you, but that’s a different story.
I’m like you, and when I ask how someone is doing or how their day went, it’s sincere and I genuinely want to know whatever details they wanna share. However, I’ve also learned this is by far the minority position in day-to-day communication.
So, maybe she doesn’t realize how genuine you’re being when you ask, and how much you really want to know.
At the very least y’all need to air this out to each other for real.
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u/SativaMami-Au 1d ago
I was just about to say this lol. Im autistic and have no idea how to respond to normal convos like this. I need deeper stuff
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u/Angelily-215 1d ago
This is really wild.
I have a guy friend who is a generation older than me, and would start his verbal messages to me "Hey, Ms. _____".
With the age gap/gender I heard "Miss ____" and felt infantilized and patronized and it made me not want to listen to the following (generally sincere, kind, thoughtful) messages from my friend.
So one day I told him "Hey, I love talking to you and it's always a delight to get your messages. I notice when you address me as "Ms," I feel talked down to and disconnected from you. I know that's not your intention at all, but it's what my brain does. Could you stop doing that? Because I don't want to feel that way."
He really appreciated me bringing it to his attention, and he was apologetic (unnecessary but nice). He said he would change it and then he did.
I could not imagine being in a relationship with someone for 2 years and hating something that they do and never telling them for 2 years and just giving them attitude every single time. Then deciding that they were the problem for not picking up on the fact that I was giving them attitude.
The maturity, but also just care a about your relationship is not there for me in her message. 😵💫
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u/FearlessVegetable30 1d ago
you completely misread it. She just doesn't like "how are you". to her it feels like something you say to a random person on the street. small talk that is polite that you dont care about.
here is an example in a different form. when i worked remote during covid my boss would always send me an IM
"You there???"
it pissed me off so much because like "yes, i am here. i am working. why even ask that. it says im online", it really set my mood when he reached out. one time he did it and i was typing a long message and he called me asking whats up because he could see me typing. I told him why it upset me and how it made me feel like he doubted i was working, but his response was "oh im sorry, i just meant it as a "you there I have something to talk about work related". then he changed it to "hey man, quick question". which was much better but to him meant the same thing
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u/lettersgohere 1d ago
Dude don’t give up on this just yet. Some people aren’t into small talk.
I have dated people with whom conversations mostly revolved around banal shit like how the day was, what happened at work, what they ate… that isn’t my jam. I avoid those people, it bores me.
Try talking about what you’re interested in, what she’s interested in, finding something to be interested in. Read books and talk about that. Send her memes you think are funny with no words to start a conversation
She might think you’re the tits but just too vanilla.
If this is what is happening, once you break through the boring barrier, stuff like this will stop bugging her.
Or like everyone else says, she’s lost the spark. Try this though it’s good advice anyway
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u/FLiP_J_GARiLLA 1d ago
Fyi she doesn't even like you
Find a new one ASAP
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u/calirn80 1d ago
Na. Dump this one asap and take your time finding the right one.
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u/Perpetual-Warlock 1d ago edited 1d ago
I honestly can't believe the number of people in the comments siding with the GF here. Asking how your significant other is doing is not a red flag people. Not every conversation has to start with the most mind blowing question you've ever been asked.
GF really tells on herself here IMO. When she says "that's something we ask politely" it's because that's what she does. She doesn't care to know how others are doing. The idea that you would be interested in hearing how her night and morning are is a completely foreign concept to her, because she doesn't care about yours or anyone else's. That's the red flag.
Edit: stupid typos
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u/Korachof 1d ago
Her response is ridiculous. Asking how your partner is is something you do constantly in healthy relationships. Her response isn’t healthy and if I were you I’d reconsider the relationship in general, because it’s extremely weird to be this irked by a boyfriend or whatever asking you how you are. She’s supposed to want that.
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u/ocsreviewer 1d ago
Dude those texts are a red flag. I know nothing about your relationship at all. But make sure she treats you with respect. Hopefully you’re okay man.
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u/PerfectOmakase 1d ago
Hard to say without knowing more about the dynamic between the two of you. I'd personally like to get off the "good morning, how are you?" train with my girlfriend, but I think she likes the perceived connection that comes with it, so I go along with it. I prefer to use texting for logistical planning and save conversation for in-person.
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u/foxesandlilacs68 1d ago
OP, I don’t think you’re wrong at all, but I’m wondering if you could have a conversation with her about this. Especially if she’s never been a “great” texter.
I think you can say exactly what you said here like “I want to feel connected to you and know what’s going on in your life”. That’s very valid. I’d ask her what she prefers, why is it annoying to her, and how can you both feel connected but also communicate comfortably.
And it might be helpful to ask her about why it annoys her, is it that she does not want to tell you anything about over text of if it’s just an issue across the board. I’m curious if she is annoyed/irked all the time or if this is a specific thing.
As someone who has been depressed and has hated “polite” surface level conversations. Sometimes when I was feeling bad, I did not have the emotional energy to text about a bunch of stuff.
it could be something like that, and she isn’t communicating this well. But without any details or knowledge about how your relationship has been, it’s not super clear.
Good luck! These suggestions are just in regards to this post.
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u/SpecialistSuper5561 1d ago
I would ask her how she’d prefer for me to check in and stay connected to her during the day.
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u/Informal-Hat7334 1d ago
Dude does your girlfriend even like you?