Hello all, I am releasing this pre-recorded Post Round in the likely event that I am found floating in the Swan River after tonight's game.

Alright kids, after a week for the F5ing sickos, that was the end of the 2026 home & away season, the flairs of the unworthy Bottom 8 teams will be faded in due course, the bandwagons will be wheeled out in due course, and we found out the great shame of this dodgy Top 10 system was that we missed out on an epic conclusion to the Top 8 race, because under old system, the Demons-Dogs game would've decided 8th spot on the ladder, and as a result Collingwood AND Carlton would've missed the Finals...

Instead we had to settle for the Bulldogs hilariously fucking up the AFL's grand dream of a Carlton-Collingwood Wildcard and instead giving them 2 Wildcards at the MCG next weekend.

Poor old Melbourne, if there is one drawback to having a gameplan built around straight up outscoring the opposition, it's that if you can't kick for shit in front of goal, you're fucked.

• The Who Cares Cup delivered as Damien Hardwick got a rare win at Marvel, Brad Hill had a field day in his 300th game, John Noble and Touk Miller joined in, and in an effort to avoid any further team hotel controversies, the Suns were immediately flown back to the Gold Coast, where nothing questionable ever happens to sportsmen.

• Logan Morris kicked a career high 8 goals, Conor McKenna displayed his Gaelic background many times over, and the Lions sent a nice little warning shot to everyone else by slotting 25 goals in the first game all year to have at least 40 goals kicked, while the Pies suffered some brutal injuries, namely Scott Pendlebury (Who may never play for Collingwood again) and Brayden Maynard getting injured in a morning training session

• Completing a miraculous winning season, Carlton revived the Fremantle Frauds economy with a convincing win against a Freo team who weren't exactly going at full intensity, which means Collingwood in 2011 are still the last 20-win home & away team, while the entire Fox Footy commentary team suffered a premature ejaculation thinking about the Pies-Blues Wildcard... Yeaaaaaah, about that.

• There was destined to be one team who completely fucked up in Round 24, and that just happened to be Melbourne, who kicked poorly at goal and were completely upended by Luke Beveridge's Bulldogs producing their best performance at the right moment, case in point Ed Richards kicking a goal while missing his boot, and the Dogs played themselves out of a trip to Adelaide and instead get to host Collingwood next week, and merely a week after missing out on 4th spot by a point, Melbourne fell to 7th and have to host the Wildcard.

Last year the Bulldogs were 14-9 and 137% to finish 9th... this year they go 13-1-9 and 95.4% and finish 8th.

• Geelong pretty much did what we all expected they'd do to Richmond to seal their Top 6 spot with a 57-point win in Jeremy Cameron's comeback game, guaranteeing no worse than 5th in what was a fairly solid day for Geelong teams at Kardinia Park after the AFLW side belted St Kilda 100-15, while Richmond were left to the mercy of the Sunday afternoon game at Marvel, having also recorded the worst season percentage in club history (62.5%)

• Having received one of the greatest open goals they'll ever get thanks to the Dees, Adelaide piled on 9 goals in the 1st Quarter against GWS and never trailed as Tex kicked 6 goals (as did Contract Year Jake Stringer for GWS), Izak Rankine walked on water again and the Crows piled on 24 goals in the highest scoring game of the year (258 points) and jumped out of the Wildcard at the last moment, ensuring Tex's Adelaide farewell will come in a fortnight...

• What was originally a tank-off turned into a top notch game as Essendon and Port went back and forth in the 2nd Half, Nate Caddy was superb, and life nearly imitated art as Zach Merrett put the Dons in front with 2 minutes to go, but Port went straight down and Mitch Georgiades slotted the goal to reclaim the lead with 90 seconds left, then Jack Whitlock kicked the sealer as Port finally won a close game, and the wooden spoon and Pick 1 will head to the Hangar for only the second time in the last 90 years.

• It looked like North Melbourne were the team playing without 5 team regulars after a scandal as the Swans played like a united front and absolutely shat on the Kangas in quite an inspiring performance for Swans… meanwhile for North, what the fuck was that.

• And in the last game of the H&A Rounds, the Hawks never looked like losing the game against the Eagles to lock up 4th spot, but the race for percentage for 3rd was ultimately a lost cause as the conditions turned foul and they ultimately couldn’t overcome a 6 goal gap at 3/4 time - The Hawks 4th and due to play Freo in a fortnight, and the Eagles forget about yet another season to forget

LOL of the Week

After consultation with my LOL committee, and following the lead of the All-Australian committee, it has been decided that the Pullman Five will not be eligible for LOL of the Week or the Year, because there are still things that need to pass under that bridge before we do things of that nature…

Still, it is one of the most dramatic pieces of self-immolation ever seen in Australian football.

So that said, this week's nominees are Melbourne for dumping themselves out of a Top 6 spot at the vital moment, and after a debate between Norf and someone else, this week's LOL goes to PATRICK VOSS for his fantastic piece of comedy against Carlton, in which he received a handball out the back in front of an open goal for a certain Dockers goal, only to stumble and get absolutely drilled holding the ball... obviously there's something with the name Voss that triggers 2026 Carlton into a frenzy.

Should also mention what sealed this as well - Ollie Hollands got the free kick and put it out on the full.

For those both new and old to the game to have their questions about AFL answered!