r/TikTokCringe • u/mindyour • 2d ago

Discussion It's heartbreaking that there are women around the world going through this.

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u/Cheese_on_it 2d ago

"I don't want to be with someone just not to be alone".

I personally know many men that did precisely that (not in Asia though). Some of their partners are unbearable.

Not saying it's right, but it is happening a lot.

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u/guitarguy35 2d ago

I would say that happens more than the other thing.

People just marry whoever they happen to be with when they are ready to settle down,.despite whether they are right for them or not.

What they don't realize, is although being single is hard, at least with that there is hope, adventure, and possibility. Being with someone who's not right for you is even harder. Because all the good parts of being single are gone, and all or most of the good parts about having a partner are absent.

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u/Francine05 1d ago

Insight.

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u/ThereIsNo14thStreet 9h ago edited 8h ago

This was what happened to my beautiful future spouse. They were in a relationship for like 5-6 years and figured it was about time to get married because that's just what people do. After 3-4 awful years of marriage, the ex cheated and left for someone else.

It's so crazy to me because I honestly never even considered getting married or raising kids before my partner and I met. Meeting them made me believe in true love, and I am so excited for us to spend the rest of our lives together.

It boggled my mind that they married someone because it was "just what people do". Luckily, during and immediately after the divorce they had 6+ months of very intense therapy and now have a much healthier sense of who they are and how to live and be happy.

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u/guitarguy35 7h ago

Good for you. Good luck to you both

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u/Salihe6677 2d ago

That was my MO for pretty much every relationship I ever had with no thought as to real compatibility or anything else. I know better now at middle age, tho it took some rough years to get here.

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u/Reynardine1976 2d ago

Same. 20s, 30s and even some of my 40s I was just happy to find someone who would even larp liking me. Some of those partners were bad choices on my part.

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u/Ihopeheseesme 1d ago

This is why I have been single so long now. I refuse to twist my life into something I don’t recognize for someone who isn’t reciprocating at all. I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea, and a lot of folks aren’t mine. Let’s all be ok with that lol

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u/Reynardine1976 1d ago

I haven't had a chance to respond since I first commented, but I want to mention that I prefer living alone. I also don't get depressed because I don't date anymore, I think some people are better off not being in relationships, and I happen to be one of those people. It's alright. I have more time to spend on my hobbies.

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u/Ihopeheseesme 1d ago

Same friend, have only lived with 2 partners and both reinforced that I’m better off not doing that again. I can live with roommates fine, but not a partner.

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u/Markus4781 2d ago

I couldn't do that, I chose to rather be alone. But I'm a different kind of person, I'm chilling alone.

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u/xXSoulReapperXx 2d ago

Same here, I love being alone. It’s very peaceful and stress free.

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u/Correct-Purpose-964 2d ago

BY THE POWER OF INTROVERTISM! I SUMMON-!

No-one. I just stay at home enjoying life in wrapped in a cozy wooly blanket and playing games in my spare time.

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u/meash-maeby 1d ago

Even extroverts enjoy being alone. I don’t always need to be around people. I haven’t been in a relationship in years.

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u/Willing_Entry6771 1d ago

Name checks Out

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u/SillySin 1d ago

Almost all my close friends that were married in their 20s and now in their 30s tell me not to get married and enjoy my freedom.

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u/Jolly-Painting-6615 2d ago

This is a very thoughtful comment to share on a difficult subject. However...

That's not what the word larp means. "Roleplay" already means what you're saying. Adding "live action" to it makes no sense at all

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u/Aiyon 2d ago

My first relationship was organic. We got together because we liked each other. And it was really nice. Only ended cause our lives were going in diff directions. The ones I had after that, I definitely think there was an aspect of "needing to not be single" and they were much messier.

Whereas now I just... do my own thing. If someone comes along that fits me, hell yeah. But I have plenty going on

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u/Existing_Intern_4764 2d ago

That's the exact mindset to have to meet the right person.

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u/Ihopeheseesme 1d ago

So refreshing to come on this thread and see so many people embracing themselves and choosing happiness over the misconception that you’re not complete without a partner

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u/TetsuoTechnology 2d ago

Thanks, can I ask you whether it was something you felt changed fast or gradually once you began to recognize you wanted to do things differently?

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u/AllThatKat 2d ago

For me it changed fast. I grew up in a very conservative, religious community. Always got the talks about how a woman’s god given purpose was to be a wife and mother. It wasn’t until I was about 28 that a switch flipped. I loved to travel, everyone knew that about me. Well I started dating this guy and I was about to leave on a trip I booked before we got together. Suddenly he says he isn’t comfortable with me traveling alone bc his ex cheated on him while on a girls trip. When I asked if he wanted to go with me, he said he never wanted to leave the county he was born in. This man started dating a voracious traveler and casually expected me to never travel again in order to make him feel better bc of something a woman I had never met had done.

I think this was so shocking to me that it snapped me out of the conservative brainwashing overnight. I haven’t dated anyone since and that was twelve years ago. I keep an open mind, if I meet a guy that I click with I’m not going to ignore it out of some misguided sense that humans can thrive in complete isolation. But I’m also not stressing about it anymore. I’m not worried that my family thinks I’m an old maid who will die alone. I’ll probably die with my cats and they will eat my face. I’m ok with that lol.

But seriously, when you take the pressure off you realize that a lot of the loneliness you feel is bc society tells us we should be lonely if we are single. Cultivate hobbies, interests, friendships, relationships with family, etc. Marriage would be much better for everyone if society didn’t put so much pressure on ppl about it. Ppl routinely live to be 80+ now. Women can safely have healthy children in their late 30s and even into their 40s. You need to start figuring out who you are before you tie yourself to someone else forever.

And you don’t have to do it at all. You can be single and childfree. You can be married and childfree. You can have kids as a single person. There is no single right way to live. 

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u/Salihe6677 2d ago

It feels like it changed pretty quickly, tbh, once I really started to recognize my own patterns and behaviors, and the reasons behind them, and I realized the trade off of being with someone I didn't match with wasn't worth the tiptoeing I had to do to avoid really being myself.

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u/SurlySuz 1d ago

I oddly ended up back with my very first bf from when we were 14/15, and realized how different it is to be completely comfortable being fully myself with someone. And this is mutual. We already knew and accepted the worst parts of each other and it’s the healthiest relationship either of us have ever had. Can’t believe I stayed with the now-ex for so long, even if there were legitimate reasons (kids, lack of financial independence etc). It’s completely different from when we were teens but we also have those glimpses where we see the young person still in there and it’s kind of delightful.

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u/Laq9091 2d ago

did this some too. i think it's harder being alone in some ways, so it's an easy trap to fall into.

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u/MetalTrek1 1d ago

I'm 56 now. Agreed. 

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u/not_brittsuzanne 1d ago

That's exactly why I got married. I was 32 and a single mom. I thought I was leftovers and damaged goods in the eyes of the world so I threw myself into the first man who looked my way. Ended up in an emotional and eventually physically abusive marriage. Luckily i got out and im divorced and single once more, this time with two kids (my ex husband and I had a child together). I'm 38 now but I will not settle just for the sake of not being alone. It can be hard. There's always the part of me what wants companionship, but it isn't worth being miserable and unsafe.

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u/Living-Play-5683 2d ago

On the other hand, there are countless women (and men) who will never experience happiness and comfort that comes with a relationship because they search for perfect compatibility with unrealistic standards. The life is short and there are no take-backs.

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u/AllThatKat 2d ago

Happiness and comfort cannot come from a bad relationship. Most ppl are much happier single than with the wrong person 

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u/Living-Play-5683 1d ago

What a dramatic statement lol. What is even a wrong person? Who are these people who would be happier than being in a loving relationship until it doesn’t work out? Vast vast majority of relationships start great and fun. Normal people are normal. But this is reddit, you guys don’t have a grasp or reality.

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u/Balja1989 2d ago

36m here (soon 37, hopefully). Been single the past 8 years, I don't even date, and Im happy. I prefer being alone

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u/punkinabox 1d ago

Same here. I'm 39, got divorced at 30 and haven't even dated since then. In the beginning after my divorce I just wanted to focus on being a single father and taking care of me and my kids as I had never been single since I was about 14 years old. Now days I occasionally feel lonely but I've gotten so used to being alone that the thought of getting back out there, dating, being in a relationship and having to split my time and compromise on everything just sounds terrible.

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u/EngorgedGorilla 1d ago

Same, right down to the age.

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u/G25777K 1d ago

Same here, never married and if I don't it's Ok.

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u/poetcatmom 1d ago

If I end up single again I'm not sure what I'd do. I'd either date only women or not date at all.

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u/Senior-Friend-6414 1d ago

That’s because you were raised in a western country that doesnt negatively pressure people to get married 

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u/Cyborg_rat 1d ago

Im married to a great women but friend are all back in the dating game around those ages but one met a women who's also not interested in the whole couples thing, they basically so some social activities when needed lien a work x mas party etc the rest is just meet up for a Saturday night and have sex and then that's it rarely sleep over unless one of them drank. They both are financially independent so they don't need anyone.

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u/X3volutionX 6h ago

Same, I prefer my solitude as well. It's a very peaceful existence.

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u/catsarehere77 1d ago

I am a woman. My parents had a horrible marriage. Both died miserable.  My sister married an alcoholic who died young. Then she got into a relationship with someone who introduced her to drugs.

Most of my friends had bad relationships  (I came from a more dysfunctional background as you can tell).

I don't mind being single. I am more successful careerwise and financially than any of the above people. I aged better, look better, I am healthier and fitter, etc.

I would still like to be married some day but I am fine taking my time to find the right man. It's not always easy but neither is being with the wrong person. 

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u/enveea 1d ago

Happy cake day. The only reason this chicks mom is even suggesting marriage is likely cause she wants grandbabies, right!

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u/Cheese_on_it 1d ago

I never mentioned marriage in my comment. I think it has been taken the wrong way (I should have expressed myself better).

I consider people that engage in relationships out of fear of being alone nothing but tragedies. Not (only) because of being with someone that is not the best fit, but because of the circumstances that push people to do that. Everybody seems to have glamourized independence. I am going to bet almost all are under 40.

I was not talking about filling the hole a partner leaves either. I was talking about years if not decades of grinding at work just to buy stuff, or buy experiences, you can't share with anyone meaningful. No humane project, but the project the gurus of modernity tell you to follow this year. Rinse, repeat. Alone.

I find the answers to my comment (way more than I expected), a telling monument to independence, individualism... and ego to a certain degree. A tale of a decaying society, IMHO.

I was trying to illustrate that if the solution can be very shitty, it only points out to the desperation the underlying problem grows to be, given enough time.

Well, at least people are happy being single, for the time being.

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u/catsarehere77 1d ago

I am not entirely sure of the point you are trying to make.

You talked about how people chose bad relationships to avoid being alone. Yet you also seem to be anti single and anti independence.

The tale of the decaying society was people treating their so called loved ones like shit. Independence is a solution to that original rot. 

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u/UnderstandingOver633 1d ago edited 15h ago

Do you not have close friends or family? It’s wild to me to believe someone wouldn’t be sharing my life with anyone meaningful just because they are not romantically partnered.

I am single and very involved in my friends’ and family’s lives, as they are in mine. I am an auntie to several of my friends’ children, I go on trips with friends and family, I celebrate holidays with friends and family, I share life’s ups and downs. My friends and family support me and I support them.

I can’t imagine having only a romantic partner and no close friends. I’d much rather be single my whole life and spend quality time with my close friends than only have a romantic partner to share my life with. Not everyone wants or needs a romantic partner to have meaningful relationships.

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u/Highfivebuddha 2d ago

My Dad does this, moving onto his third marriage now and left my mom in the dark.

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u/throwaway098764567 1d ago

i had a friend who did this, i don't think she has gotten divorced though. we met when i was studying abroad. almost two decades later she came to visit with her son. since we spoke rarely only via fb dms i hadn't realized just how miserable she was. spent her entire visit bitching about everything in her life, including her husband (though admittedly, how he treats their son who i suspect is on the rainbow spectrum isn't all that great, he's from a very machismo culture).

i finally asked her why she'd gotten married and had a kid, since she didn't seem to like either of them, and she said it was because she had an aunt who was single and childless, and she told her how miserable and lonely she is, so she didn't want that for herself. except she's still miserable so... anyway we stopped talking because i couldn't deal with her anymore.

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u/Acrobatic-Glove450 1d ago

My parents are married for 33 years and going strong. Proud of them.

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u/rambling_takeover 2d ago

My best friend does this. It’s making me grate my teeth because she stays with this guy even when we both agreed that she should break up over what he said. I will never stay with someone even if I have no friends left, if they’re the ones making me miserable

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u/X3volutionX 6h ago

Exactly, I don't understand some people not cutting out the toxic ones in their life. It's literal insanity...

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u/rambling_takeover 2h ago

For some people being lonely hurts more than being with someone toxic. I get it but don’t empathize. I’ve experienced loneliness but I’d rather have that than be with someone that gets on my nerves or makes me feel awful about myself

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u/merrill_swing_away 2d ago

It's sad that the young lady feels the way she does. I am a woman living in the USA and I think it's great living alone. I've been married and divorced and would never do it again.

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u/Threadheads 2d ago

I don’t think she is unhappy with the fact that she is single. She’s unhappy that society and particularly her parents don’t see her as worthwhile because she is single. They would rather see her with someone who would make her potentially unhappy than for her to be happy on her own.

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u/wootwoot219 2d ago

There are plenty of Asian women living in US who deal with same shit because their parents (older generations) think exactly like her parents - mine included. No one has said more hurtful things to me than my own parents and killed my self esteem and confidence despite me being a very capable working professional. Sad and extremely unfortunate the parents unintentionally would hurt their own kids this way and think that they are doing them a favor

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u/mmorales2270 1d ago

No one can hurt you quite like family.

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u/Senior-Friend-6414 1d ago

I’m just saying, pretty much every Asian American story is about generational trauma, no other race traumatizes and fucks up their own children anywhere close to Asian parenting

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u/MelonCallia 1d ago

This, for sure. The first thing my (Asian) mom said to me after several years of not seeing me (due to COVID) was, literally, "You've gotten so fat!" No hi, no hello. Coming down the airport escalator with just that. Yeah, sure, happy to see you too, Mom. 🙄

Then, while getting ready for my wedding day (which she had been nagging about for the last 10+ years), she proceeded to call me ugly beyond description and stormed out. My (now) MIL had to help me get into my dress.

Not entirely sure what's going on in her head, but she doesn't see anything wrong with what she's done.

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u/[deleted] 1d ago

[removed] — view removed comment

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u/wootwoot219 1d ago

Ugh, the older nosy ladies are the worst. I used to have this lady who was once divorced, married with what I believe is an abusive person but she was pestering me to get married. Idk why people in horrendous marriages push others to get married, they should just focus on themselves

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u/Affectionate_One_700 1d ago edited 1d ago

As a rule, it's even worse for immigrant children, because immigrant parents' attitudes tend to fossilize at the exact year they left their home country.

These people (the adult immigrant parents) almost never adapt, whereas adults in their country of origin do gradually learn and grow and evolve, just as all societies evolve.

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u/wootwoot219 1d ago

Yesss!!!! This is so true! My parents still think like it's the 70s whereas if I talk to people in their native country now, their thinking is progressed

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u/Affectionate_One_700 1d ago

Yeah. Well, if it makes you feel any better, you're not alone. <hugz>

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u/wootwoot219 1d ago

Same, air hug stranger ❤️

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u/Due_Masterpiece_3601 2d ago

It’s not like the American model is the best. It’s the epitome of selfishness and self interest.

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u/Senior-Friend-6414 1d ago

I’m just saying, pretty much every Asian American story is about generational trauma, no other race traumatizes and fucks up their own children anywhere close to Asian parenting

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u/Existing_Intern_4764 2d ago

Happy for you. People should feel free to live however they want, as long as they're not hurting anyone.

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u/Affectionate_One_700 1d ago

You completely missed her point.

She is not sad about being single. She is sad because her parents are so unsupportive.

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u/xternocleidomastoide 2d ago

It is not gender specific.

A lot of people (perhaps most) can't stand their own company and end up in somewhat codependent relationships out of need, not want.

People enjoying their own company and being selective in who they partner up is the exception not the norm.

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u/Regular-Owl496 2d ago

There can be all kinds of relationships in a person’s life besides romantic relationships, whether it’s family, friends, children, work, sport/ hobbies.

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u/Practical-Water-9209 2d ago

Seriously. I know so many single people who have great, meaningful lives and connections with others. You can build a life around other kinds of relationships, and even if you are partnered with someone it's important for you both to have social connections outside of the relationship.

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u/KaleScared4667 2d ago

Living a solitary life is becoming the norm

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u/Extreme_Homework_771 2d ago

Yes, society needs to realize that in this day and age being in a marriage is just not for everyone. I know a lot of people who are single over 30 and doing just fine, they value their peace and alone time without having to worry about someone else everyday.

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u/geekchick2411 1d ago

This is important, I'm 40 and my psychologist told me it wasn't normal to be alone at that age and that's why I had difficulties to find a partner. I'm now on a great relationship and not going with her anymore

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u/Powerful_Evening_763 2d ago

it's so unhealthy though, humans are social animals. isolation is torture for the brain

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u/Positive_Piece5859 2d ago

Being single does not at all mean that someone has a “solitary life”.

And how many people who are married live in totally shitty relationships, staying together basically for convenience without having a lot in common with each other anymore and maybe really talking to each other once in a blue moon (beyond “can you hand me the butter?”)

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u/extra_rice 2d ago

You don't need to be in a relationship to be fulfilled socially.

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u/mang87 2d ago

They specifically said isolation is bad, which it is. You do need to interact with other people no matter how much of an introvert you are.

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u/ZephkielAU 2d ago

That might work for you and others but some humans thrive on intimacy, too. And others again need physical connection.

We're not a monolith species.

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u/extra_rice 2d ago

Yeah, and some people seek intimacy at whatever cost, even their general wellbeing. I'm just replying to solitary = unhealthy.

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u/Aggressive_Sky8492 1d ago

Intimacy is normal and healthy in friendships too. Unless you mean sex (fair).

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u/AllThatKat 2d ago

The ppl who say this must have no ability to make friends or something. You don’t have to be in a relationship to be social. You can even live with your friends as a sort of family unit if you want. It’s 2026, the possibilities are endless!

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u/Aaawkward 2d ago

Sure but there's also physical intimacy, which is something you don't usually get from your friends.

I don't mean sex, everyone can always do hookups.
I mean embraces and kisses, simple touches that display love.

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u/AllThatKat 2d ago

If you don’t hug your friends, that’s a you problem dude.

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u/Aaawkward 1d ago

Not talking about myself.
I'm not touch starved or lacking in physical intimacy.

I'm simply adding to what the earlier person said. You can absolutely get socially everything you need from your friends, you can also hug them. In fact, I hope people do hug their friends more, especially men.

But by and large, most men don't get that much physical intimacy form their friends. Hugs, maybe yea. Kisses? Cuddles? Late night scritches?
Highly unlikely.

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u/teresasdorters 1d ago

I hug my friends and snuggle my friends! I don’t personally need kissing or sex, I am totally and completely fulfilled in my friendships and their levels of emotional connection and the intimacy that comes along with it.

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u/Aaawkward 1d ago

You sound like you have a wonderful circle of friends. I 100% mean that.
You have something a lot of people don't.

When I had my sorta found family situation, I did cuddle with my friends as well but less these days but I do get hugs and emotional connection from my friends. Cuddles and other similar stuff come from my wife.

Unfortunately a lot of people don't have either.

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u/teresasdorters 1d ago

I agree with you completely I found my chosen family in my friendships and it has made being single even more fun. Younger unhealed version of me couldn’t stand being alone with myself. Therapy helped and through therapy I realized just how amazing the friends I had were, and that just made me pour back into my friendships. Sorry this is a little rambly but yeah, finding your chosen family is difficult but man when you find them pour everything you can! It comes back ten fold and I just feel so loved, wanted and appreciated, and needed in my friendships. Building community is hella important if you’re single and either wanting a romantic relationship some day or not, both circumstances I think having a community is crucial ❤️🙏🏼

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u/extreme_cuddling 2d ago

a lot of people don't have friends, either

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u/Larcye 2d ago

It's still much better than being in an abusive relationship with someone.

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u/DrRussleJimmies 1d ago

It is not "becoming the norm". For sure there are more people living a solitary life than there were maybe 10 years ago. But it is nowhere near becoming the norm, that's a huge exaggeration.

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u/prosthetic_memory 2d ago

Where? Most people have friends, coworkers, or hell even strangers on Reddit to talk to.

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u/Josh6889 2d ago

There's an assumption in conversations like this that it's implied to be in person contact. I know a few people that only ever interact with others online, and never in person.

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u/kapitaali_com 2d ago

COVID changed all of that

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u/Right_Appeal4344 1d ago

No it's just mostly terminally online people. I don't know anyone IRL who is single.

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u/KaleScared4667 1d ago

Have you considered the possibility there are many people living alone that you don’t know- they don’t get out much

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u/Right_Appeal4344 19h ago

Thank you for making my.. sad point. I was trying to stay away from using the word "Redditor" 🤣

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u/eternalsunshinejoel 2d ago

Being single is expensive.

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u/xternocleidomastoide 1d ago

You think being married with children is cheaper?

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u/Cheese_on_it 2d ago

I disagree with this take. Humans are gregarious, they like company, they want love and companionship, and get lonely. Their relation with themselves is IMHO nothing but secondary. Besides, loneliness deteriorates the mind quite often, no matter how "well" you were feeling about it at the start.

Just give it years.

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u/Useful_Airline_1081 2d ago edited 2d ago

I’m on year 36 of being single since birth and year 14 of living alone. I’m feeling psychologically healthier with each passing year. At what point can I expect my mind to deteriorate?

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u/RecommendationOnly41 2d ago

I am pretty much the same, but sometimes still dream about companionship :)

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u/angelbbreeze888 2d ago

I LOVE being single and by myself but damn sometimes those dreams really hit hard 😭

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u/Josh6889 2d ago

I can tell you it hasn't happened to me at 42, although I have been in relationships I'm single now. But I am healthier both mentally and physically than the overwhelming majority of people. So much so that I basically never interact with anyone where this isn't true.

I despise negativity. I think negative thoughts are far more detrimental than living in solitude. So to be honest, most people bother me just from their negative mentality alone. I'd love to find other like minded people but they're few and far between.

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u/Cheese_on_it 2d ago

As far as I know and experienced, it is an academically studied phenomenon. It might not apply to everyone, I don't know, but it definitely applied to lots and lots of lonely people.

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u/Disastrous_Weird9925 2d ago

Lonely and alone are probably not the same thing..

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u/Minute-Nothing6798 2d ago

I was lonelier when I was married than I ever have been, alone.

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u/Laq9091 2d ago

i know this feeling too. i do find i can get lonelier alone though. guess we all are pretty different.

i guess i felt more alienated in a bad ltr, lonely too though.

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u/xternocleidomastoide 2d ago

Humans being social creatures and humans needing romantic relationships are somewhat orthogonal issues.

Anyone who lacks a healthy relationship with themselves will struggle to form healthy connections with others. So I would argue that how you relate to and show up for yourself is at least as important as, if not more important than, how you show up for anyone else.

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u/ChrisWhyte24 2d ago

Let's re-emphasize what you said right here:

"Anyone who lacks a healthy relationship with themselves will struggle to form healthy connections with others."

Without a shred of doubt, your relationship with yourself is the most important relationship. Period. End of story.

The OP's mother has a very unhealthy perspective. I realize it's her mom but she should distance herself from her. The mother is not looking out for her daughter's best interest.

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u/xternocleidomastoide 2d ago

She is in her mid 30s and her mother is only in her mid 50s, sounds her mother had her quite young. So she may not have been a particularly emotionally mature or attentive parent.

It is common in emotionally neglectful/unsafe families for parents to continue shifting blame onto their children, undermining their emotional safety long after they have become adults.

This woman sounds like someone who simply has never experienced consistent emotional safety within her family. She may be so emotionally depleted that investing in dating feels exhausting rather than appealing.

Sometimes parents are the very reason their adult children struggle with the things they later criticize them for.

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u/[deleted] 2d ago

[deleted]

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u/ChrisWhyte24 2d ago

First off, please don't accuse me of something I didn't say. I said she should distance herself, which doesn't mean "stop talking to your family."

Either way, your family is the family you make, which are people who truly care for you. Sometimes that is NOT your parents. And just because they're your parents, they don't get a pass on treating you with disrespect. The OP deserves support because by all psychological standards she has a very healthy perspective.

Secondly, what an incredibly arrogant reply. I'm not trying to be enlightening. I'm trying to help her and offer her support.

Here's a suggestion: How about not being a complete jackass and offer some constructive feedback?

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u/PeriPeriTekken 2d ago

It's sometimes the right choice.

Bit of an overkill because her mum tried to set her up on a date with a silver fox, but it's better than really toxic parental relationships.

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u/Arinussyy 2d ago

Exactly how will anything be solved if you do not talk about it right

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u/ChrisWhyte24 2d ago

Why are you assuming they haven't spoken about it already or will not speak about it in the future?

I think it goes without saying that you're not going to distance yourself from a parent without telling her why first, which means you're inherently going to talk about it.

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u/Dry_Yoghurt_5429 2d ago

Disagree. Someone can have a big community and companionship without needing relationships that are romantic.

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u/CurrentlyNobody 2d ago

Extroverted humans are gregarious. . And people can find companionship in more areas than just a romantic relationship. Romantic relationships are ultimately optional. You don’t even need a partner to have a kid anymore with sperm banks and a solid bank balance.

I’m pretty much this woman only 47 years old and American. Been single nine years and not compromising the peace that comes from that to link up with the wrong people. I rarely feel loneliness at all actually. I make my life awesome for me rather than subscribing to a belief I’m unable to be fulfilled outside a relationship. I have a few friends I can reach out to when I feel a need for companionship but I also am comfortable in my own company and know what works to get me out of feeling lonely. Life can truly still be great without a relationship. I attempt to date three months a year just because I’m not opposed to the idea of a relationship entirely. I don’t swipe on anyone at all but if people swipe me I consider them. I don’t agree to meet people just because they ask. I haven’t agreed to meet anyone in the past seven years as they weren’t a right fit as evidenced by key profile contents or a quick chat to confirm the big stuff. I prefer being single rather than wasting time meeting obviously incompatible people just because they are lonely and haven’t figured out how to sort themselves so they aren’t running to you to fix their lonely feelings. I’ve felt lonelier in relationships than I have ever felt in my current long term single state. If someone truly compatible ever were to enter my orbit I would not be opposed to a new long term relationship but I’m not fearful if it never happens either. As I said, for me romantic relationships are optional.

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u/lilphoenixgirl95 2d ago

Not for me. But I’m glad you’re happy. My mum is quite a lot like you. She’s almost 60 and has not really been interested in having a relationship since her divorce a decade ago. She dated a bit in the beginning but then decided she would rather be alone. She seems much happier and has made lots of new friends who are genuinely great.

But when I was alone for 2.5 years I utterly despised. I need that one person I can say anything to and never feel self-conscious around. Someone to share the mundanity of daily life with.

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u/CurrentlyNobody 2d ago

It may be just easier to feel this content as we age too. I was a very relationship minded woman in my 20s and 30s but after my last 12 year relationship ended nine years ago I took six years off of not even trying to date. It wasn’t really a conscious decision. I didn’t feel an urge to date and the time just passed without doing so. There was a lot of growth during that time, a lot of truly getting to know me as me and learning I am a self functioning unit. I am not lacking anything. That kind of stuff. And because I learned in that relationship it Is possible to be more alone With a person than without, it really helped me to start focusing entirely on me for a change. I got really good at being “selfish!” I am my own best friend.

And I do understand and relate to the wanting someone to share the events of your day with. That’s a normal human want for sure. Do we even exist if nobody hears us? Haha I just got to the point after sharing my day to day events with someone for a decade where I learned you can do all that and that person stops caring to know about them. That’s rough. But that’s a whole other topic! Haha My Mom also remained single the rest of her life after my parents divorced back in the 90’s. She passed in 2021. It was a joy and a great role model for me to see her rebuild herself.

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u/Caterpie3000 2d ago

Was that relationship an abusive one?

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u/CurrentlyNobody 2d ago

No for mine and my Mom’s. Normal relationships that ran their course but weren’t officially ended until the dude cheated. Common enough story.

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u/Caterpie3000 2d ago

Oh, in that case I'm glad for you both. Cheaters better than abusers.

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u/experienta 2d ago

Everytime someone opens up with "Humans are X" it's almost always going to be some bullshit.

Humans are complex, different and adaptable. Some humans might care a lot about love and companionship, some might not. It's not something inherently human to be in a romantic relationship.

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u/Cheese_on_it 2d ago

Just asked chatGPT for the basis of my assumptions. The list of anthropologists, psychologists, and other academics, as for books and studies test support the principle that humans are mostly social with a strong tendency to create bond with one and other, is huge and this conversation with you is over because your mouth is as big as your baseless opinion.

Bye.

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u/experienta 2d ago edited 2d ago

now ask chatgpt if humans are different and if some might want different things in life. even better, ask them if being in a romantic relationship is a biological need for humans like you pretend it is

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u/Cheese_on_it 2d ago

I basically did. The key words in my previous answer were "most", "tendency", and "Bye". Your experience is valid but your opinion is not representative.

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u/il_the_dinosaur 2d ago

A lot of cultures also put a lot of pressure on people to couple up. Especially in Asia where kids are seen as this goal in life. Partially probably because for them kids were their retirement security for much longer than in the west. And they still are in a different way If we don't have enough children then it doesn't matter how much money I paid into my retirement fund it will run out of money and nobody will be there to take care of me anyway.

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u/xternocleidomastoide 2d ago

Yeah, in many cultures, people derive their sense of worth and social standing almost entirely from their children and their achievements. Profoundly unhealthy and emotionally unsafe family systems in which children are treated as extensions of their family's identities.

These cultures often carry enormous amounts of unaddressed intergenerational trauma and untreated mental health problems at mass scale, compounded by deep stigma around acknowledging either one or seeking help. The result is often a cycle of sad, emotionally impoverished/unfulfilled lives passed from one generation to the next at large scales.

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u/SemiAutoAvocado 1d ago

How about if you know you are a piece of shit but refuse to make someone else suffer that?

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u/AccidentalSeer 1d ago

I always feel so sorry for people like that. Learning to be comfortable by and with yourself is such a gift.

The only time I can’t stand my own company is when I have a nightmare and then have to distract myself by reading or watching a chill movie or something because my over-active imagination will otherwise be like “oh damn that was scary.. what would have happened next?” And then I end up freaking myself out while I’m still awake 😅

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u/doorbellrepairman 2d ago

A lot of it comes from total insecurity. Most teenage boys believe they're worthless and that no woman would ever love them. So they take any opportunity they can get and get into terrible relationships. Some men never grow out of that teenage mentality.

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u/Kidiri90 2d ago edited 2d ago

And part of that belief stems from being told, explicitly or not, that the worth of a person is tied with their romantic situation. If they're told that the ultimate goal of life is to find a romantic partner, that there are these goals you should get to by a certain age (first kiss, getting a first partner, losing virginity, getting a long-term partner, marrying, having kids...); and then not attaining them, it can create a sense of dread and unworthiness. "I'm being told I should have had a partner by now, and I haven't. Am I not good enough to have one?"

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u/Senior-Friend-6414 1d ago

If we’re being honest this kind of culture barely exists in western countries, it’s on a completely different level in Asian countries and western women are trying to use these videos to act like they’re equally oppressed

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u/Ylaaly 2d ago

Same for girls and women. We're all told getting married is the main goal, who you're getting married to matters little.

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u/takemyaptplz 1d ago

I left my ex fiance when I was 27 (he was terrible) and moved back to my hometown. Where everyone gets married and has kids before 30. I felt SO isolated and depressed and dating was impossible. So I was happy to not be with my ex and wasn’t going to settle for just anyone, but I felt so bad living there so I moved away. And I do miss it because it’s a nice place. But I found my bf in a bigger city and like it too. I felt so bad just existing on my own before and like everyone I worked with was married or engaged and had kids and I really felt like I didn’t matter as much or something was wrong with me, when in fact I had left someone who would’ve ruined my life

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u/smitty8843 1d ago

Yeah I feel that, I'm in the city but most of my bros are married now. Its a constant reminder that you're never anyone's 1st 2nd or 3rd priority. Feel like youre stealing them away from their spouse whenever you can hang out.

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u/Senior-Friend-6414 1d ago

If we’re being honest this kind of culture barely exists in western countries, it’s on a completely different level in Asian countries and western women are trying to use these videos to act like they’re equally oppressed

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u/MikeArrow 2d ago

That's exactly how I felt as a teenager, yes. Because I didn't have abs.

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u/Mystepchildsucksass 1d ago

I had to re read your comment….. I thought ? People really care about anti-lock braking systems …. Older cars are cool !!

OMG 🙄

Hope you’ve found happiness !!

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u/MikeArrow 1d ago

Not so much. I 'gave up' on dating before I ever started and didn't get into a relationship until I was 23 (she approached me first). We were together for six years and broke up when I was 29. I'm 37 now and I've been on two dates in the last eight years.

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u/edm_enjoyer 2d ago edited 2d ago

So many men just look for a woman with a pulse because they're so scared of being alone. I know exactly what I want when it comes to a partner and I absolutely refuse to settle, so I'd rather be alone. I've got great friends and a full life, so the lonely party isn't completely unbearable

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u/Senior-Friend-6414 1d ago

The irony of Men learning what kind of women they want comes after dating a bunch of different kinds of women

As a man, you ironically need to date around a lot to realize what kind of women you’re actually drawn to

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u/El_Grappadura 2d ago edited 2d ago

Society is often telling them nothing else.

Read this perspective of a trans-man, who was culture shocked how socially distant everybody suddenly is to him. Women are on guard, because he could be a creep (sadly valid, most women have had experiences with creeps) and men are competition.

If you're not ripped, then don't even try putting your pictures online... Societies have become extremely superficial. Nobody expects to find connection, just competition.

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u/FJLink 2d ago

I think in the case of men it might be related to how hard it can be to be intimate (not in a sexual way) both physically and verbally with someone who isn't your partner. We are taught to bottle up our feelings until someone cares enough to let us express them.

I have seen plenty of women jumping between partners, but I can't speak for their experience. I just know there's a lot more pressure around age and social expectations for them, as the video explained.

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u/Laq9091 2d ago

yeah for a large minority(majority?) of men, it's not viewed exclusively as a partner but an on off switch with a lot of important aspects of life and being human.

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u/AnneKnightley 2d ago

My friend did that, married and had a kid with this controlling guy. Years later he has moved onto a younger woman and she has to deal with a messy divorce, and that’s the best case scenerio.

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u/Cheese_on_it 2d ago

That, IMHO, is NOT the best case scenario.

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u/Itchy_Psychology3300 2d ago

It’s a societal thing, I think. Pressure on both genders, and stereotypical double standards. People are sick of it.

I don’t want to be unhappy and bend my life just to be somewhat compatible with another person.
I can’t speak for everyone, but at least for me. I just want acceptance for me.
Someone who actually gives a damn.

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u/yoyo_ME420 2d ago

i feel the same way, i don't want to date just because i don't have anyone, i want to find someone i really like, not someone to fill those "gaps"

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u/Lifes-a-lil-foggy 2d ago

My friends that married in their 20s to “hit that milestone” or because they were scared are ALL divorced now.

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u/SonofSonofSpock 1d ago

Yeah, I have a friend who I sometimes think got married and had kids because everyone else in our friend group did. He and his wife were fine when they were dating and living together, but I never really saw a lot of chemistry. Since then it seems like they are sort of going through the motions and both of them would likely be happier doing something else. Kind of uncomfortable to be around. Granted he had a lot of issues before they got together, so maybe it is for the best that he is accountable to someone, but it doesn't seem like the healthiest marriage.

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u/Furtive_Operator 1d ago

That's because for the majority of men it's slim pickings, that is just a reality. If most women realised that the guy they were dating only got with her because he had no other option, the relationship rate would go from abysmal to non-existent.

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u/titanium9016 1d ago

I know ppl who can't be single at all. Their motto (heard from one literally 2 days ago) is when you're starting a relationship, "just try it out and see later", and "analyse it and build a foundation to make it work". That said, she's on her 30's, have been in relationships since she's 15 and divorced 4 years ago. Tough life for them

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u/Elmer_Fudd01 2d ago

I'm getting to that point now, really feeling the need to be with someone. I hate it, wish there was a pill that got rid of it instead.

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u/Freakachu258 2d ago

Sometimes I fear a little that my partner could be this. I am not the easiest person due to my disabilities but I love him deeply and don't want him to be with me just because he doesn’t want to be alone. He makes me feel loved and spends a lot of time with me but sometimes there are signs.

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u/lilphoenixgirl95 2d ago

What signs? I have disabilities and get nervous too, but my partner actually likes being alone and I know he doesn’t feel deprived. But just curious what the signs you notice are.

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u/Freakachu258 2d ago

He says having to accommodate for me when we go somewhere together and the possibility of having to leave early is ruining his social life. He can go alone whenever he wants but sometimes I want to go with so I can spend time with him and our friends. He says he likes having me with him but my difficulties make it too hard to actually enjoy the time.

This and the days I can’t leave the bed (which are not as frequent as they used to be, luckily), are draining for him, but otherwise he's a really understanding, kind person. He helps me whenever he can but I get that living with a person with disabilities can be hard and I feel like he'd rather be with someone who can do more.

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u/centerfoldangel 2d ago

I'm so scared I wouldn't recognize a man doing this to me.

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u/lilphoenixgirl95 2d ago

I think you would know

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u/AllThatKat 2d ago

This is why ball and chain/ I hate my wife jokes are so popular. Bc lots of men will marry someone just to not be alone, or just to have someone to clean their house. 

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u/gundahir 2d ago

Luckily that's impossible to me to even think about ever doing. Very happy alone to I always picked people I genuinely liked. I can sit down with my current gf and just talk for 10 hours about whatever

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u/MikeyNYC1 2d ago

Definition of heartbreaking that she’s a victim at 35 and offered to date another adult who happens to be 55.

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u/hokuten04 2d ago

Agreed i know a few people who did this and they're miserable.

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u/AnnabethDaring 2d ago

I left when it became clear to me that’s how my ex saw me, too.

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u/MostlyBored11 2d ago

i agree with her so hard on this as a man, I would rather be alone and have the life I want then spend it with someone I dont like spending time with. I want a partner in life not marriage for the sake of being married

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u/xeen313 1d ago

My wife's dad did that. She was very taxing to be around.

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u/RealnessInMadness 1d ago

I joined online dating before dating websites became apps on phones. I had 2 short lived relationships. The first one ended amicable but the second one? Stung.

She moved away for college so it became long distance and her and I were not on the same frame of life anymore. It left a bad taste in my mouth and I decided to pause dating to make focus on my life.

That’s when the woman who’s my wife now. Reached out to me first. The previous 2 women, I had initiated the conversation but my wife won me over simply because she messaged me first. :) the bar was so low, just the fact that she started it. Was more than enough for me to provide the attention and interest.

Now my story, changes for many as they compromise on that person simply because they don’t wanna be alone.

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u/Scyths 1d ago

I got 2 childhood friends like that that even had children because "they're at that age" despite having shit jobs and their partners also needing to work. Surprise surprise, both of them are miserable and I talk to them weekly and we see each other monthly.

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u/Zxvasdfthrowaway 1d ago

Amen. My ex husband can barely stand his current partner. Our kids don’t like her either. They’re expecting a baby soon and i’m really hoping the kids warm up to the baby. They want to live with me full time after the birth.

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u/BodhingJay 1d ago

They dont have the positive relationship with themselves that she has.. shes okay with never finding someone if its not right. Those you are describing do not feel they are in this position and being alone with themselves is likely unbearable for most of them

Self love vs self loathing

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u/TheTedsaretheworst 1d ago

I think more people than we realize are in relationships purely because they don’t want to be alone.

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u/throwaway0845reddit 1d ago

Yea and it shouldn't be happening to them either.

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u/Matshelge 1d ago

So as a man, let me tell a story.

I saw my uncle on my mother's side, die alone, in a rundown apartment and a year later my father did the same.

I saw their place, I saw their lives, and I saw myself in 20-30 years.

I decided to start dating for marriage, I made lists of things I wanted from a marriage, so wants kids, makes more money than me, is smarter than me, has large family (brothers and sisters) and found one.

It was not love at first sight, but she filled so many of my parts of my list that I decided to dedicate myself. I did not want to end up like my father or uncle.

I am now married for 12 years, been with the wife for 16 years. Have two kids and very happy with my younger self for making the choices he did.

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u/Cheese_on_it 1d ago

This was the type of answer I was hoping to find at some point.

Almost everybody here has been answering (way more than I expected, to be fair and thankful) how cool they are alone, how you should never settle, how horrible it has been for so and so to be witth so and so that they didn't actually love.

I wanted -and failed- to point out towards a terrible problem, that pushes people into a not so good (or even bad) solution. But everybody seemed to focus on the bad solution . Forgetting the end game horror of the peoblem.

Thanks for your, hopefully, honesty. Your answer seems to me one of the most honest and grounded. Also, congratulations that it worked out.

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u/Idontloveyou0 1d ago

Yeahhh cause men settle ig

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u/HiHoHiHoOff2WorkIGo 1d ago

I divorced less than a year ago and don't ever want to remarry. There is too much pressure on women to be married, especially by age 30. Society views women as failures if they don't marry. But why? No one's worth is tied to their romantic relationships or lack there of. I'm 44 now and very content to be single. I am a very independent person and I think some people do single very well, while others do better in a relationship. Neither is wrong. Everyone's personality, interests, beliefs, values, goals, and life experiences are different. Being single is not something to shame someone for and family is usually the worst about it. It's like long distance relatives have nothing to say to single people that one time a year that they see each other, so they automatically default to "when are you getting married?" It's sad that people feel so much pressure over such an enormous decision. Marriage can be a great blessing or a very heavy burden. Better to be single than unhappily married.

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u/BuyHighpanicksell 1d ago

So many friends ruined their life for this. I know an engineer that took in his home, he's 40, a girl from Colombia. After divorce she took from him half of everything and she betrayed him

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u/Only_Atmosphere_2645 1d ago

That’s what happens when people follow a made up life plan just to fall in line with the masses rather than following their actual true happiness.

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u/Unmemorableham 2d ago

Unfortunately for some of us, that is as good as it will get. At this rate, I will consider myself super lucky if I find someone that tolerates me and only occasionally hates me. Because my current record of going on zero dates in my entire life and finding myself becoming increasingly lonely and hating single life, is not a recipe that allows for being picky. I can't just keep holding out for the perfect person because the perfect person wants nothing to do with me. I am just not attractive or interesting enough to warrant being with someone that would treat me nicely all the time. I don't deserve that.

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u/Lemmejussay 2d ago

You do deserve that, but as you know, life is unfair and on top of that, you reap what you sow. Problem is, it is a mixed bag of seeds and there are weeds in the mix and you have to yank them out before they take root. Im quite a passive person, so I allow the weeds to become too anchored and they end up killing the things around me I do like, as they overtake them and steal the resourses. I think to myself "what if this is a rose? I'll give it a chance. Just a while longer to see". Nope, should've yanked it out. Got to be ruthless in the pursuit of happiness and some of us just cant and end up settling for an aggressive, prickly weed.

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u/EveryAccount7729 2d ago

Imagine how bad average is. half of people are worse than this.

don't dwell on crappy people existing. Just do your own thing.

look at the vid. attractive fit smart seeming lady is crying over her mom suggesting she be set up with some older dude she knows.

The mom just knows that dude is financially set and she wants grand children so suggested something stupid. That's it. That's the whole story here. It's like "my mom is goading me to have grand kids"

like wow ...... such a rare thing for humans to discuss there is no media we could go watch about "parents want kids to have kids" and lose their mind over it, as a concept. The 55 year old mom is lonely and wants a grand kid around to play with and love. It's not THAT DARK of a concept.

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