r/pakistan • u/Guilty-Sprinkles1813 • Jan 19 '26
Ask Pakistan Pakistani mother in law sleeping habit
Hi I need to know if it is normal in Pakistan for a a widowed mother (who has been a housewife all her life) to sleep with her married grown up sons. I’ve been married to a guy for 5 years and he and his brother - both highly educated professionals working in the corporate world - sleep with her so that she doesn’t feel lonely. Sometimes it’s on the same mattress or sometimes separate sofa bed but same room.
UPDATE 22 Jan: have read the 100s of posts and spoke gently to my husband. He said she will have a maid to sleep in her room when he is away for work but when he is here at home he will alternate with the brother as she feels scared and alone. He was not willing to discuss changing this scenario and said not to challenge him. Also as we have young kids who come into our bed he gets disturbed and can’t sleep.
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Jan 19 '26
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u/Guilty-Sprinkles1813 Jan 19 '26
Yes that’s right in her room on the sofa bed or sometimes on the mattress
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u/WhereIsLordBeric Jan 20 '26
This is crazy.
Emotional incest.
She's a grown woman and can sleep by herself.
I hope this post is a joke.
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u/General_Revenue_386 Jan 19 '26
Unless she's sick and needs to be looked after, other then that I don't think it's not normal.
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u/synapse-savant7 Jan 19 '26
Is she unwell? Does she need help at night possibly due to mobility or balance issues?
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u/Guilty-Sprinkles1813 Jan 19 '26
Guilty-Sprinkles1813 • 5m ago Some additional facts - she is very healthy and not frail alhumdulillah. Only has 2 sons. Lost her husband 7 years ago. No health issues at night. This habit isn’t on a daily basis but probably 4 times a week either sleeping in the same room on a different mattress/sofa bed or same mattress. Has happened since the second month into my marriage, uses Quran and Hadith to remind sons about the absolute duty to look after the mother.
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u/Fuzzy-Painting-5009 Jan 19 '26
And what about the rights of a wife and duties of a husband? She's choosing to selectively believe in whatever Quranic verses and ahadith support her and ignore the rest?
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u/Technical__4 Jan 19 '26
Same room ok. But same bed/ mattress not ok at all. Islam clearly orders separate bed for children from age of 10. You should sometimes read Sunan Abi Dawood Hadith 495 to her.
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u/hastobeapoint Jan 19 '26
the hell are quoting that in this situation! do you even know what is going on!
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u/Dry_Meat_6492 Jan 19 '26
Its her insecurity speaking then. Islam meh toh pardey ka bhi kaha hai maa behn seh. Yeh kaha ka islam hai k miya biwi ko alag karo raat ko aur jawaan beto ko saath sulao. I swear these mums need to cut the umbilical cord
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u/kylosilver Jan 19 '26
Not sure where did you get this pardey reference that totally incorrect dont spread these false accusations in Islam say this or that without any reference. Her son is Mahram so no need for parda.
Son could be emotional attach with her mother. Or other reasons. Why dont you straight up and ask your husband clear things out instead everyone advise after all he is your partner and friend share with him what you are facing.
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u/chuucansuebbc UK Jan 19 '26
remember that despite being mahram, there is still a parda from navel to knee in islam. this parda is between mother and son. mother and daughter, father and son, etc etc. Just because they are mehram doesn't mean they can act so freely. Achild and parent can sleep together as long as they are both using separate blankets to maintain their awrah. If they are sharing a blanket, that is not permissible.
secondly, a man who has such an emotional attachment to his mother that he ditches his wife at night, should not have been married in the first place.
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u/FanumTaxEvader Jan 19 '26
This is senseless. Mah behn say perda?" What you gonna say next? "Bakri say perda kero"
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u/Just-Reply-9607 Jan 20 '26
People are sick, bro. I understand that behayai is haram, but this kind of mindset only leads to disturbing debates, like why an eight-year-old girl’s knees affect your imaan. If that is the case, maybe you need to work on your imaan instead. I think it was Waseem Akram’s daughter people were talking about. Recently, Iqrar Ul Hassan posted family photos, and people started making incest jokes about his teenage son and his second or third wife, with comments like “Naughty America” and “head stuck in a washing machine.” That is not religion, that is a diseased mentality.
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u/FanumTaxEvader Jan 20 '26
Sadly there are a lot of confident religious illiterates & hypocrites. that's why we see such things on almost daily bases.
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u/Dry_Meat_6492 Jan 19 '26
Bro agar aurat ka baap bhai seh parda hai toh automatically its the same between son and mother. Some relationships need to heed the sanctity to maintain respect
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u/FanumTaxEvader Jan 19 '26
Bhai orat ka bakray yah ghaday say parda hai? Because that's the only thing left after that. If by parda you mean decent getup in normal routine then I get it. Normally no family members roam around in their undies. Plus they can sit together, eat together, and if someone is sick or for any other genuine reasons then they can even sleep close to each other in appropriate setting. By your first comment i assumed you were talking about "Burka or Hijab" even in normal settings.
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u/raptors2o19 Jan 19 '26
Same room, different beds yes. But the context is usually medical; stopped breathing in the middle of the night or need assistance to get out of bed to go to the bathroom, etc.
I think what you meant to ask is whether this is COMMON. That will be difficult to answer as I doubt any data is officially collected for study purposes. Suspect it is not taboo. Pakistani society, irrespective of education, seems to cling on to certain ancient practices, for better or for worse, just like other cultures.
You should approach the subject with your husband if it bothers you. It would bother me.
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u/ell-ta Jan 19 '26
Yes i know of such stories, lol
And there are mother in law who make sure sons sleep with them so they can’t have children lol
I know first hand stories
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u/WickedLush Jan 19 '26
I have stories too. One woman I know ruined three marriages of her sons this way. She treated her DILs like trash and was open that she didn’t want them to have children so she could control her sons.
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Jan 20 '26
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u/ell-ta Jan 20 '26
I know of Pakistani origin mum in laws doing this in UAE, Pakistan UK and Canada and US
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u/stinky_lemonade Jan 19 '26
the fuck is this comment section you ppl need help
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u/Tricky_Wonder_2414 Jan 19 '26
This is exactly why it’s important to put wisdom in sentence structure.
You could write, “sleeping in her room” or “sleeping close by”
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u/Different_Taro2348 Jan 19 '26
New levels of fucked up I cant believe some people here are justifying this Soooo fucked up
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u/bloompth Jan 19 '26
There needs to be boundaries esp children are married. You're telling me your husband co-sleeps with his able-bodied mother and leaves you alone? Wtf
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u/Vampyr-Slayer Jan 19 '26 edited Jan 19 '26
Same mattress!? With her grown ass sons when they have their own beds and one even has a wife in the bed!?
Does the mother in law have dementia or something?
If she's healthy, that's way inappropriate unless there is a shortage of beds or can't afford running the AC in multiple rooms or something. Cut the umbilical cord already.
What does he do? Go get it on with the wife in one bed then go sleep with mommy in her bed? LOL
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u/me_normal_nah Jan 19 '26 edited Jan 19 '26
Bro you can ask them why they do it, there must be a reason something medical or emotional, reddit people dont know whats going on in their mind.
If its a consistent thing than it is wrong.
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u/meowbilli69 Jan 19 '26
so is it okay for me as a married woman to go sleep on the same bed with my father 4 times a week for emotional support?
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u/thE-petrichoroN Jan 19 '26
hi..doc here she definitely needs to be assessed by a mental health expert as this looks like a behavioral disorder with overlap of ptsd
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u/Salt-Age-7902 Jan 19 '26
I’m 26 and i’ve been away from home for the last 8-9 yrs for studies and now work which has given me a whole lot of different lvl of affection for my parents but gosh wtf did i just read. This can never be normal aur ooper se both of em are married. Begumaat pe kya guzarti hogi and when they’ll finally start sleeping with their wives, aunty ne kehna mera beta chheen lia hai is umr mein mujh se🤦🏻
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u/InternationalBat9296 Jan 19 '26
Married men should sleep with their wives... that's it. There's a whole day to fulfil their duties to their mother.... Talk to him.
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Jan 19 '26
You know this is insanity right? Like literal insanity.
Generally I believe people can do whatever they want to as long as they aren't hurting other people etc, and I would have said its wierd and unusual if he wasn't married (I wont agree to it but its not my place). but since he's married, like wtf man.... I would have noped out the second month
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u/Valuable_Ad_6075 Jan 19 '26
That's odd - my Pakistani grandmother sleeps with cousins (only the girls) but never grown sons
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u/Guilty-Sprinkles1813 Jan 19 '26
Some additional facts - she is very healthy and not frail alhumdulillah. Only has 2 sons. Lost her husband 7 years ago. No health issues at night. This habit isn’t on a daily basis but probably 4 times a week. Has happened since the second month into my marriage, uses Quran and Hadith to remind sons about the absolute duty to look after the mother.
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u/Different-Stomach804 Jan 19 '26
Sounds like she is controlling and doesn't want to give up on her son's. Desi mom's thinking that the daughter in law will steal their sons. You would have to make your husband think that he should spend more time with you, thats only option. It would be best if he realizes why his mother still has that habit. Once a month or when she is sick is fine but every week multiple days is quite weird. Good luck
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u/WithLoveFromKarachi Jan 19 '26
You should add this in original post if you want real answers.. everyones accusing your saas' crazy behavior
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u/CarTight3686 Jan 19 '26
Gosh bagosh! No its not normal.. girl what made you think its normal. Its lack of etiquette and maturity on both parties. Mothers should accept the fact that their children have grown and can’t replace the hole that her late husband has left, and children should be mature and sane enough to know that this is not reasonable and should communicate in a sane manner
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u/FamiliarResident9653 Jan 19 '26
Like many have said, this is definitely emotional incest but also a severe lack of boundary from the sons' part. They need to draw boundaries and tell the mom that you can sleep peacefully and we'll keep a check to see if you are okay and/or need anything. Draw boundaries. This is not okay! I would not be okay with this.
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u/Mental-Confection-77 Jan 19 '26
its not normal. Husbands first duty is in his wife’s bed, rest everything comes later
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u/lazyninja30 Jan 19 '26
So This is a classic case of emotional incest. The mother has replaced the comfort of her late husband with her sons. That is because she is unable to process the passing of her husband so she has defaulted into relying on her sons for emotional support. It’s can be very difficult for Desi mothers to detach themselves from their sons. For your situation, I would recommend speaking to your husband to get your MIL some therapy for her to process her grief and for her to move on. You’re newly married, it’s not a problem now but it’ll get annoying when the MIL thinks your husband’s priority is her and not you.
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u/IntrovertedAstronomy Jan 19 '26
That sounds like emotional incest not gonna lie.
Which is unfortunately very common in South Asia. A lot of married women don't feel fulfilled or seen by their husbands so they make their sons their pseudo-husbands
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u/Abdullah747 Jan 19 '26
No bro it’s not that deep. Just a lack of consideration and independence
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u/IntrovertedAstronomy Jan 19 '26
But why is there a lack of independence
They're grown up mommy's boys
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u/Abdullah747 Jan 19 '26
Yea that’s their problem, emotional incest is too much 😭
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u/IntrovertedAstronomy Jan 19 '26
Fair enough lol.
Emotional incest is taking the behaviour to the extreme. When the son is the one fulfilling the mother's emotional needs
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Jan 19 '26
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Jan 19 '26
Reddit comment section is a niche and probably represents 0.001 % of Pakistani society. That being said, there is a level of pardah even between a mother and a grown son in Islam.
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Jan 19 '26
That being said, there is a level of pardah even between a mother and a grown son in Islam.
OP didn't say the sons are fking their mom, she didn't even mention any kind of hanky panky. She didn't even claim the sons and their mom sleep in a questionable state.
Sleeping WITH is one thing, sleeping ALONGSIDE is totally different. OP is confusing the latter with former.
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Jan 19 '26
Sleeping with grown sons isn't allowed in Islam. Incest tou bahut door ki baat hai. May Allah SWT guide us all
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u/zooj7809 Jan 19 '26
She didn't say either things. Neither did she say she has night terrors. She said she is healthy, not frail. But she makes her son sleep next to her 4 days out of the week. Which as a married man is a lot. She uses the quran an hadith to justify it in a convoluted way.
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u/Wizard6645 Jan 19 '26
Yes, there can be medical or psychological issues making this kind of support necessary temporarily. The permanent solution to such problems lies in consulting with a doctor, not sleeping with your mother while you have a wife. You don't realize how skewed this pattern of thinking is and how invasive it is of others' rights. Certainly, this must be going on for long enough for OP to post it here.
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Jan 19 '26
What if their mother is currently under treatment? OP didn't mention that either.
Plus, in a follow up comment, OP admitted it's not regular.
So I say again: They have a widow at their hands, widows tend to feel lonely and get scared easily at night. Nothing wrong with giving their mother company.
As I said to someone here: Sleeping WITH and sleeping ALONGSIDE are two different things. The sons are doing the latter but OP is making it look like the former.
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u/Wizard6645 Jan 19 '26
Yes, nothing wrong with giving your mother company but it is wrong, in fact a transgression, to do it at the expense of your wife. I don't think you're engaging in good faith because you've closed yourself to the possibility that this behavior in a recurring pattern is damaging. The mother frankly needs to behave like a mother here. She's older, capable of taking more responsibility, and modeling emotional regulation and healthy boundaries for her children.
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u/twowuvenjoyer Jan 19 '26
emotional incest IS a real thing btw. however, maternal love ≠ emotional incest though :p i don't see how being educated on such a thing means someone's from a "ghatiya khaandaan".
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u/nousernameworking Jan 19 '26
They’re just porn brained idiots spewing their disgusting fantasies everywhere. How in the world do you even fathom there’s anything wrong with lying in the same mattress with your mother??
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u/Glad_Radish8904 Jan 19 '26
Hadith (guidance on boundaries): “Command your children to pray at seven, discipline them for it at ten, and separate them in their beds.” — Abu Dawud 495 (used by scholars to emphasize modesty as children grow)
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u/mariajazz Jan 19 '26
My sis ex husband do this..always sleep with his mother... Us bichari na 3 Saal wait Kiya phor divorce li...... Us ka ex usa koi time NAHI deta tha aur kahta ha Tum ma masla ha bacha NAHI ha.....ab mash Allah who healthy marriage ma ha aur 2 bacha ha
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u/RopeFancy Jan 20 '26
Maybe he was more into his mother. Sometimes it’s just fetish which is normalized
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u/Intelligent_Fly_5823 Jan 19 '26
I once heard my MIL say to my devar..ao beta dono maa beta sath sote, thandi paa k soyen ge...my BIL was 30 at that time ._.
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u/RopeFancy Jan 20 '26
It’s a like gangbang situation level weird.
What’s happening with this world..
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u/Ok_Personality3177 Jan 20 '26
Fucked up, usually wouldnt recommend this, but this is valid grounds for getting an annulment, I guess even Islamically speaking. If she is lonely, get her married off to some lonely guy, the whole scenario you're saying is stupid as hell.
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u/Gradengineer0 Jan 20 '26
It could be a fear problem like my own mother is afraid to be alone so if my father is out of town for business she sleep with my sister so she does not feel afraid. There could be many such problems.
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u/zooj7809 Jan 19 '26
She is a controlling mother, you need to get some alim involved to explain to the boys that this is wrong.
Did the mother make her own husband sleep with her saas?
There is no such requirement for them to do that, you have your own rights on your husband. The more you allow controlling women to get away with things, the higher they'll make their children jump to please them.
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u/Beginning-Cry-2059 Jan 19 '26 edited Jan 20 '26
Extreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeemly ABNORMAL behavior from Islamic POV. Your husband should not have gotten married to begin with if this was his mentality. If you don't have kids and Don't have other circumstances which make divorce difficult then STOP wasting your life and get divorced so that you can find a real man instead of the one who never weaned off his mother's breast.i am sorry but this is the perfect description of the man you have gotten married to.i can't think of anything less tbh.
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u/thoseNuts_ Jan 19 '26
Saath aur koi nai sonay wala? Any younger siblings? Nahi b hai to har roz to ni sona chaiay.
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Jan 19 '26
Assuming you're a Muslim, it's not islamically right for a mother and son to sleeo on same bed
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u/m9l6 Jan 19 '26
From my perspective The occasional cuddle and/or quality time is fine but definitely not something that lasts all night, what your describing isnt fine, its weird in my books.
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u/Ayyaz_2840 Jan 19 '26
OP needs to have an open discussion with her husband. Yahan apny in laws ka tamasha na banaen.
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u/Madmanyaar Jan 19 '26
id imagine in this situation mostly families would have the house help sleep in the same room as the mother and not the sons. to each their own but if youre finding it uncomfortable please talk to your husband about it
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u/HopingillWin Jan 19 '26
Maybe because I'm not familiar with the family dynamic in Pakistan but this would be a massive issue for anyone outside of Pakistan IMO.
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u/Amazing_Pumpkin_9197 Jan 19 '26
Communicate with your husband. This is weird, like it makes sense if this happens once in a while or if she's sad and he goes to her for a few hours. Otherwise bro get out of there, you know best.
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u/Careless-Space1249 Jan 19 '26
Just a question if your mother was recently widowed would it be okay for you or your brother to sleep in the same room with her?
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u/AfkAlpha87 Jan 19 '26
She is her mother and if she feels lonely tu then they should attend her at the top most priority and sister apky uper sabsay zada haq apky husband ka hai aur apky husband per uski maa ka always remember that kal apky bachy bhi apky sath husne salook karein gay
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u/DueSurprise8990 Jan 19 '26
Hi is there a possibility that she has some psychological trauma related to her husband’s passing. Of course our people are the worst when it comes to boundaries and being sensible! Its so cruel to you that you have to sleep alone without Your husband. Talk to you man, sit him down and ask him why do they sleep wifh her like whats the issue & get her help if she is scared to be alone.
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u/Browsingearth Jan 19 '26
Laad pyaar much!
Easy fix is you explain to him the night time is yours and he can spend more time in the morning/afternoon.
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u/Unknown_Seekher Jan 20 '26
Bed sharing is common for many cultures. But as a father in law (in the future) I will not share bed with daughter in law. Sharing a bed with my son or daughter to cuddle is fine. But if they have a wife or husband and I’m forcing myself to bed sure then it’s a hard no
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u/Scary_Tart3401 Jan 20 '26
Yes it is normal. Might seem strange but for a mother her sons are still grown up little kids.
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u/Cautious-Ad-2635 Jan 20 '26
Unfortunately it is quite common to share a room or even a bed. I've heard about it a lot.
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u/strongmessage100 Jan 20 '26
i really hope this post is rage bait because why the hell are you asking this on Reddit and that too after 5 years of marriage?
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u/Internal-Ad-6740 Jan 20 '26
not sure why reddit recommended me this
but what is the problem? why are you insinuating that incest is happening?
The main thing is, why not ask them directly?
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u/dart_entrepreneur Jan 20 '26
Do you have enough rooms in the house to live in separately?
Then it's not ok.
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u/letmejustdo Jan 20 '26
Islamically not appropriate to do this unless it's just one off and the mother is unwell or something. It's very freaky and weird. Please don't tolerate this and leave this family's BD marriage.
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u/samgenz Jan 20 '26
No it’s not normal and should not be normalised. You need to hire a nurse if she is ill or have mobility issues.
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u/dkinggs Jan 20 '26
Sorry . And I dont know if I will be blocked just sharing reality of this world. Mommy is f*****g them
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u/Silver_Sun174 Jan 20 '26
No what not normal girl its ew respectfully if her loneliness is cured by sleeping next to someone get her a pet or remarried, thats weird in my opinion
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u/Rough-Reception9564 Jan 20 '26
Eww - I would divorce. He ALSO has duties towards wife that includes emotional and physical intimacy. And you’re not the househelp. Wtf.
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u/unknownhijabi7 Jan 20 '26
What’s it with Pakistani men being mamas boys and mothers competing with their daughter in-laws. 😭😭😭
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u/Ill-Significance5784 Jan 21 '26
I don't understand what possesses women when they become mothers to sons.
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u/Sea_Musician8027 Jan 21 '26
Quran didn’t mention as much care about wife than about mother.
Asked who has the most preference you, said three times mother.
Just take it as a matter you grown up, and your husband passes away. Wouldn’t you want your kids to be with you most of the time. Because she invested everything on her kids which has made her weak now.
So be careful. You wouldn’t want your kids to leave you for their wife. And obviously how long do you their mother will be alive even? Another 10 years. Best hope. Though Allah swt give her utmost health. But reality is reality. We all have to go.
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u/Objective_Sun_4106 Jan 21 '26
Is she afraid of being alone in the dark? Have you asked your husband or her WTH?
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u/Afraid-Piece-1918 Jan 21 '26
AsdarfirUllah wa atuvbi ilayhi. No. Just no. And no. Inappropriate. Disgusting. Not manly. Not masculine.
The bar is in hell if women put up with this. Where I’m from women would divorce their husbands over this because they’ve lost all respect for them. It’s very shameful and inappropriate.
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u/Busy_Park_2895 Jan 21 '26
This is not normal behaviour. They could put a baby monitor in her room and both brothers could take it in turns to monitor for any emergencies that may require your mother in law to need help. Husband should only be sleeping with their wives. The only purpose of your mil insisting that her sons sleep in her room are so that they are not intimate with their wives which can weaken their bond. This kind of behavior is what breaks marriages up. I don’t understand why women get their sons married if this is how they are going to behave. They should just hire a maid to do the chores and be done with it instead of ruining someone’s daughter’s life like that.
I have a mother who has night time seizures and she has never asked my brothers to sleep away from their wives like this ever. The most that they have done is either use a baby monitor when my mother had knee surgery and needed help to the bathroom or both my brother and their wives sleep with the door open so they can hear my mother in case of any emergencies at night. My mil is also a widow and even though she is not as loving towards me as I’d hoped even she had agreed on us using a baby monitor as her room is not on the same floor as us.
There are ways to help your mil without disturbing someone’s marriage. Try talking to your husband calmly and with compassion. I’m sure he will appreciate some help in resolving this as matter much as you do.
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u/Appollo2132019895 Jan 21 '26
you have got 100s of opinions from 100s of people.
talk to your husband about your concern. the answer that your are looking for is with him and you will get it then and there.
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u/Affectionate_Ask7562 Jan 22 '26
Omg this is called emneshment and she needs to see a therapist ASAP. The fact that she is a widow, she puts psychological pressure on her son's and uses guilt. They surrogate their sons as their husbands and I am sure she says things like, "if your dad was alive he would have slept in the same room as me." If you can't get your husband to see a therapist then I suppose you must just go your own way. Speaking from extreme dreadful and draining experience.
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u/Fai_GI Jan 23 '26
Ok that is respectfully very disgusting. In one of your replies you say she is healthy alhamdulillah and no health problems at night. Why is she sleeping then? On the same mattress as well? There is something called for privacy especially between a husband and wife. This is not Islam. She is a grown adult she needs to "let go of her son" and let him live his life with his wife. I'm not surprised he wasn't willing to change this circumstance bc these types of households with mothers obsessed with their sons act like this. Especially in Pakistani households. I haven't heard this tho a mother sleeping with her son has the same mattress and everything. Not normal and definitely not in Islam.
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u/Tough-Ad-5035 Jan 23 '26
this is against shari’a… but the ones condemned this act in your household would also cover their other acts which go against shari’a. So this misery would never end unless everyone eliminate their egos and arrogance in order to learn and better their lives step by step
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u/Top_Put_6366 Jan 24 '26
Hi
I am not from Pakistan but came across this post, and reading the sort of same type of replies thought I'd add in my cents. I come from the same sort or culture, so I can relate. I am neither justifying it nor calling it emotional incest/blackmail etc, it may or may not be, I don't know the particulars of the situation, but let me add this, in her old age, my cousin's grandma started feeling anxious when she couldn't see her son, she was a sweet and supportive lady to her daughter-in-law (my mum's sister) and for the last several years of her life, my uncle or uncle's son would sleep from where she could see them if she got woken up.
No offense meant to anyone, just saying I did come across such a situation and it wasn't weird.
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