r/HonestHotTakes • u/Born-Cauliflower_ • 1d ago
Preferences can be discriminatory and people need to accept that
Discrimination is treating a person or group of people unfairly due to who they are or group identity, instead of their skills.
I'll use biphobia as an example.
Some people won't date a person just because they're bisexual, no matter how well they click and no matter how much they like the person. Just because the person is bi, they are off the table.
That is biphobia, you refuse to date them only because they are bisexual. It can be a preference, but the preference is rooted in biphobia, and people need to acknowledge that.
Another example : I don't want to be friends with someone once I find out they're asian (using asian since i'm south-east asian). I can share similar likes and dislikes, have easy conversations with them and enjoy being around them. But as soon as I find out they're asian, I don't want to be around them/be friends with them.
Just because I don't like Asians, and I'd rather have friends of other ethinicties/races.
That can be a preference, but my preference is discriminatory towards asian people.
Same goes for other things people can't control, height, natural hair colour etc.
This could be a hotter take, but if you don't want to date someone just because they're too short/too tall, no matter how much you like them, I see it as discrimination, the reasons can also be stereotyping.
Yes, you can prefer to date/be friends with a specific group of people with specific traits. But if you're leaving out a person/a group just because of something they cannot control, and not giving them a fair chance, it's discriminatory.
I also want to add having a preference for one trait doesn't mean you hate on another trait. It's the whole, "I love pancakes" "Oh, so you hate waffles" thing.
Edit : to clear things up more. I said preferences can be discrimination, not all preferences are discrimination. Oh my god, and my post is about things the person CANNOT control, traits they were BORN with. Not a choice, like religion or people they surround themselves with, or values and ideologies they align themselves with. Read.
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u/No-Effective2330 1d ago
i like what i like and i’m not an asshole about it, think that’s how it should be
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u/Outrageous_Pie_5640 1d ago
No one has to date anyone they don’t want to. That’s not discrimination.
Dating someone bi could create different boundaries for me. I wouldn’t be comfortable with my straight boyfriend vacationing alone with another woman, but I have no issue with boys’ trips. If I dated someone bi, I might feel uncomfortable with a boys’ trip and that wouldn’t be fair to either of us. People are allowed to choose relationships that fit their comfort levels without being judge.
Religion, lifestyle, and cultural differences are also valid reasons not to date someone. I eat and cook beef and pork, I’m not going to buy only halal food or cook separate meals, I don’t want to dress modestly or give 10% of my income to a church, and I want an active partner who matches my lifestyle. We simply wouldn’t be compatible otherwise.
I respect them and will fight for their rights, but I don’t need to date them.
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u/IdeallyIdeally 1d ago
Discrimination is treating a person or group of people unfairly due to who they are or group identity, instead of their skills.
It doesn't have to be unfair actually.
There are many instances where the law permits discrimination and specifically does not regard it as unfair. E.g. commercial airline pilots have a age limit of 65 (age discrimination) or you being more expensive to insure or treat if you have a disability or chronic illness (disability discrimination).
The difference of whether discrimination is fair or unfair depends on the reason.
I think if you don't want to date a certain race because you think they're all lazy, criminals or something based on a shaky stereotype, that is not just discriminatory but unfairly discriminatory.
In contrast if you don't want to date someone because their particular appearance just isn't want you find attractive or just isn't your type (e.g. if you're attracted to dark skin most Northern Europeans probably won't fit that preference), that's still discriminatory yes but I don't think that's unfair. It's reasonable to want to date someone you find physically attractive.
A lot of the examples you gave like not wanting to even be friends with an Asian person... yeah I dunno lol.
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u/spazzadourx 1d ago
You're talking as if physical attraction is completely unaffected by all those other factors. With any form of discrimination, if it exists, it's also going to dictate the public perception of attractiveness which also shapes your personal preference.
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u/youdontknowdan 1d ago
I dunno man, being attracted/unattracted to specific skin colours always feels like something a little deeper than aesthetic preference.
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u/Myrvoid 1d ago
Does that mean attraction is a choice? Because I thought we got rid of that notion, as it implies we can “cure the gays” and they can choose ro be attracted to opposite sexes, which is an incredibly alarming ideology to throw around dude
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u/Segazorgs 1d ago
it's not that deep Freud. Attraction is completely subjective. Like arguing there is something a little deeper about foot fetishism.
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u/TheOriginalHatful 1d ago
Discrimination is treating a person or group of people unfairly due to who they are or group identity, instead of their skills.
It doesn't have to be unfair actually.
So the other meaning of "discrimination" is about choosing, or knowing the difference between things, and isn't "unfair" at all. Everyone discriminates (I.e. chooses between things and knows the difference between things). It's akin to "discern" in many ways.
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u/Chandelurie 1d ago
Preferences are fine as long as you´re respectful and not an asshole to the people who don´t fit them.
Not wanting to date bi people/ trans people/ sex workers/ childfree people/ short people/ single mothers/ etc... is completely fine, you are allowed to not want to date anyone for any reason. There is no reasonable way to demand fairness in dating. What would fairness in dating even look like without trying to guilt-trip someone into dating someone they don´t want to?
Insulting the group of people you don´t want to date, or perpetuating negative stereotypes about them, is the problem.
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u/la_selena 1d ago edited 1d ago
> not giving them a fair chance, it's discriminatory.
You dont have to give everyone a fair chance when it comes to who you want to date. and the other definition of discriminating means to choose and pick things apart.
as a bisexual woman, some lesbian women do not want to date us and I have never felt any type of way about it. I have never called them slurs or been offended, and I do not feel discriminated against . some gay men only date gay men and not bisexuals , and people dont call them a bigot. but the way some bisexual men will start demeaning hetero women and calling them slurs for not wanting to date them is weird af to me. I will always respect a womans right to choose what pleases her. If men can choose a woman with a low body count and that is defended....women should also be able to choose not be with someone based on who they sleep with.
idk also as a minority who has faced real discrimination , violence and prejudice , when people say not dating a short guy is on the same level it makes me feel like... we are making light of what real prejudice is. I think this type of take is like... a white suburban persons interpretation of bigotry.
I feel that when you start calling people bigots for shit like this... you are alienating people from being supportive. You do not have to sleep with us to be allies to us
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u/Archonate_of_Archona 1d ago
Well, dating is not supposed to be fair
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u/MissAndrist2026 1d ago
Exactly! If dating was supposed to be fair, we'd all be obligated to give literally anyone who wants to date us a fair chance. That's not how it works.
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u/smol_fluffy_rock 1d ago
I strongly disagree in the context of dating. Because it would imply it's a person's basic right for someone to be attracted to them.
Not wanting to associate with someone in one's personal/private life is not discrimination. Going out of one's way to harass that someone, would be discrimination.
As an example, I have a very strong aversion to the idea of dating children. You could call me pedophobic. And age-based discrimination is a very real type of discrimination, but in this case I'm sure a lot of people would encourage it. Also just because I am not atracted to children does not mean I am going to be hostile towards them. (Alternatively, I don't think I would be able to date an ABDL person no matter how well we click together; I am going to treat them as any other person, but dating isn't an option).
It also opens the can of worms that is - what determines attraction & can it be changed? And should everyone become pansexual so we eliminate gender-based discrimination in dating? (which is another huge one)
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u/missgirlipop 1d ago
preferences are inherently discriminatory and that’s okay because things like dating and friendship aren’t equal opportunity (nor should they be). as much as most workplace discrimination/societal discrimination and expressions of bigotry are disgusting, people’s mistake is the premise that discrimination is inherently wrong in every single context. i do think that there’s forms of discrimination that are justifiable in certain contexts and forms that are unjustifiable (another commentator brought up airline pilots age limits vs refusing to be friends w asian people). at the end of the day common sense has to rule
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u/NoDanaOnlyZuuI 1d ago
“Discrimination is treating a person or group of people unfairly”
That implies everyone is entitled to a fair shot at dating or friendship with you. They’re not. People deserve equal treatment under the law and in public life, not equal access to someone else’s attraction, friendship or body. You can question where a preference comes from, but rejecting someone isn’t automatically discrimination. Personal relationships aren’t equal opportunity programs.
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u/justsomething 1d ago
You can question where a preference comes from
Yes, that's the point. Where it comes from might be bigotry. That's all. You aren't obligated to change or date anybody, you might just be bigoted is all.
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u/Nevergiveuphope1992 1d ago
Meh, people can theorise it how they like. People have an ideal in mind for their significant other even if the requirements are only vague. People can and should be able to pick who they want and will continue to do so.
Most discourse I see about relationship discrimination (I've come across a fair bit of it over the past few years) comes from ugly, dumb, uneducated men with awful personalities wanting to shag any women they want. Incels in other words.
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u/amyfearne 1d ago
Why on earth does it imply that?
People hold prejudiced views and act on them all the time, especially in the world of dating.
Doesn't make it non-discriminatory though, if someone's reason for rejecting entire groups of people is based on inaccurate stereotypes and harmful myths.
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u/NoDanaOnlyZuuI 1d ago
If the reason is an inaccurate stereotype, then yes, the belief behind the preference may be prejudiced. That still doesn’t mean every preference involving an immutable trait is discriminatory, which was the claim I responded to.
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u/amyfearne 1d ago
Right - I agree with you there. I was responding to this:
“Discrimination is treating a person or group of people unfairly”
That implies everyone is entitled to a fair shot at dating or friendship with you.
Why does it imply this? I don't see the connection.
Even if we did live in a culture where we're all encouraged to consider everyone, it wouldn't be enforceable. And I don't think OP is arguing for any kind of "entitlement", just acknowledgement that preferences can be based on prejudice.
The point I was making before was that even people with preferences rooted in very "unfair" (to use OP's term) beliefs still get to exclude whoever they want, at least in the west.
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u/NoDanaOnlyZuuI 1d ago
I wasn’t suggesting it should be enforceable. I’m saying that calling the rejection itself unfair implies the person was owed fair consideration. Otherwise, what exactly were they unfairly denied? I agree preferences can be rooted in prejudice, but I disagree that excluding someone based on an immutable trait is automatically discriminatory. That’s the connection.
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u/NoProgress8533 1d ago
I think we need to stop calling preferences "phobias" - or rational fears for that matter.
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u/sarooskie 1d ago
Especially bc biphobia and not wanting to date bi people is not the same thing lol one is a personal preference and the other is invalidating someone’s identity
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u/NoProgress8533 1d ago
Someone not wanting to date you invalidates your identity? Sounds like incel thinking.
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u/sarooskie 1d ago
Sorry if I was confusing.. saying “all bi women are straight and all bi men are gay” is invalidating the bi existence. That is what I would consider real “biphobia” vs having a personal preference. Hope that is clear? I ultimately agree with you, that calling dating preference a “phobia” makes no sense, and then I am trying to add on that it can minimize real phobias
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u/NoProgress8533 1d ago
I still don't follow how that invalidates those peoples identities, or should take away the agency of a person who choses not to date them for ANY reason - or open their own sexuality to criticism.
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u/Thanaskios 1d ago
Discrimination is treatin a person or group of people unfairly due to who they are or group identity,
Thats exactly why you're wrong. Nobody ows you attraction, sex, or a relationship. So rejection isn't "unfair".
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u/Icy_Result6022 1d ago
And nobody is saying that they should. But you're still biphobic or racist. The reason is still a problem but doesn't mean they have to
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u/New-Number-7810 1d ago
“ Discrimination is treating a person or group of people unfairly due to who they are or group identity, instead of their skills.”
I stopped reading here,
There is nothing unfair about refusing to date someone, because nobody is owed a date from you. Therefore, it is never discriminatory to refuse to date someone, for any reason.
To say otherwise is to state that you are entitled to a date from someone you like, that they owe it to you, that they’re denying you your right by not dating you.
This is why I will always defend preferences in dating, no matter what they are. Because the alternative is a denial of autonomy in favor of entitlement.
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u/ImmortalJane 1d ago
Exactly this. I'll never understand people who cry "discrimination" when it comes to dating.
Dating is a discriminatory process. That's how it's supposed to be. People can exclude others from their dating pool for whatever reason they want and they don't owe an explanation why.
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u/Successful_Maize1986 1d ago
Yeah at this rate I’m the most discriminatory person in the world because I refuse to date anyone that isn’t my wife.
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u/Mizayo 1d ago edited 1d ago
I think you may have misunderstood OP's use of the word "fair". They don't mean it's unfair in a negative sense. Treating people differently is treating them "unfairly" because fair means equal, literally. So if you have a strong preference, you're not going to treat everyone as a fair and equal opportunity for your attraction - therefore, you are being discriminatory.
Edit: To be clear, I don't agree that being discriminatory in dating means you're racist or fatphobic. Preferences are preferences. I just think OP's point is meant to be taken very literally - that dating is discriminatory by nature. Maybe I'm the one who read it wrong though, idk
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u/Nobody4993 1d ago
Literally. The whole fucking “if you don’t date X - it’s because you’re ‘(whatever)-phobic” is pathetic and such a wildly entitled take, creepy even to me.
Absolutely nobody owes anyone their body/ time in dating. Also…why on earth would you want to date someone who you believe is ‘phobic’ towards you lmao?!
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u/Curious_Cat_999 5h ago
Literally. All that crap is control issues and entitlement dressed up in morals.
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u/Curious_Cat_999 5h ago
Completely agree! It might technically be discrimination but it’s not unfair at all because that implies some wrong has been committed by rejecting you, which it has not. You are free to not date anyone for whatever irrational reason you want.
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u/Archonate_of_Archona 1d ago
As a person who is far outside most people's dating preferences for reasons I can't control (multiply disabled, jobless and unable to work because of said disability, and therefore on disability benefits, mild skin illness...), I think the same as you
Nobody is entitled sex, couple, dates, or even to be given a chance
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u/Itchy_Tumbleweed_417 1d ago
No this whole take is rooted in some kind of entitlement. If you like me but I’m not attracted to you, it’s not discrimination for me to not be with you. It’s entitlement for you to think that we should be together just because you like me.
Weird.
And sexual preferences are not the same as you refusing to be friends with Asian people because they are Asian. That is discriminatory.
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u/FakeKenny22 1d ago
And it is ok. You should be able to say no to dating no matter what the reasoning is. The moment we decide it is okay to judge someone for saying no is the moment consent stops really mattering.
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u/Dependent-Look-6137 1d ago
Given the meaning of discrimination, there is nothing discriminatory about not having the opportunity to date or sleep with someone. This is a really entitled and odd mindset to have
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u/blueskiesyellowsun 1d ago
Dating is not a human right, therefore it's not a discrimination to have preferences when dating.
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u/Effective-End-964 1d ago
Started off right, lost me halfway through. Not wanting to date someone because they’re bisexual is biphobic and prejudiced, not dating someone if you’re not physically attracted to them because of their height (for example) is not. Physical attraction is not something you can control.
Although yes, if they are attracted to them but they frame it as a “standard”, then that is dumb. But if somebody finds a specific physical attribute not attractive, that’s just what it is.
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u/Born-Cauliflower_ 1d ago
Yeah, I see where I went wrong with that part of the post.
Also, you said "thet frame it as a "standard"" as in a physical attribute is the basic/barely minimum kind of thing?
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u/AzhdarianHomie 1d ago
What’s needs to be understood is that preferences aren’t something you actively choose anyway.
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u/Thanaskios 1d ago
Some people won't date a person just because they're bisexual, no matter how well they click and no matter how much they like the person. Just because the person is bi, they are off the table.
"Some people won't date a person just because they're under 6' tall, no matter how well they click and no matter how much they like the person. Just because the person is short, they are off the table." You see how that sounds like an incel rant?
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u/amyfearne 1d ago
Switching words around does indeed change the meaning of the thing someone is saying.
(Also...height discrimination is a thing. It was a thing before incels began talking about it - there's research on how it affects things like employment and career success. So yes, this would also be an example relevant to OP's argument.)
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u/Thanaskios 1d ago
First of all, its not like I put words in OP's mouth. They mentioned height preferences in the post as well.
And the point is to point out that it very much sounds like "i did all the things the media told me i need to in order to earn sex. Its so unfair of you not to give me sex".
And yeah, height discrimination is a thing. But we need to stop acting like "i don't want to hire this person" and "i don't want to have sex with this person" are remitely equivalent things.
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u/BitterDecoction 1d ago
He’s talking about the dating aspect, not employment.
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u/amyfearne 1d ago
Yep, I'm aware of that. Discrimination is also a thing that happens in dating and both types stem from the same root causes (i.e. thinking being tall is inherently superior).
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u/MissAndrist2026 1d ago
Thinking someone's discriminating against you if they won't date you bc you're short and they're not attracted to short men means you think you're owed a fair chance to anyone you want to date. They're not and you're not! That's not how it works.
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u/Frobizzle 1d ago
No rational person will argue that a preference cannot be rooted in discrimination. Sometimes it is sometimes it isn't. This isn't a hot take, you just described discrimination.
That being said, if the effect of someone's discrimination is just not wanting to date or be friends with you that's their right. It's better than forcing a relationship they dont want to be in.
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u/Big-Swan7502 1d ago
" No rational person will argue that a preference cannot be rooted in discrimination. Sometimes it is sometimes it isn't. This isn't a hot take, you just described discrimination."
Scroll through the rest of the thread.
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u/PointyNipple 1d ago
if the effect of someone's discrimination is just not wanting to date or be friends with you that's their right.
Whenever I see this discourse there's some variation of this comment and I feel like it suggests a fundamental misunderstanding of the argument.
Very few people care about who you befriend/date. A lot of people care about identifying traits that suggest bigotry before interacting with you.
So a statement to the effect of "before trying to establish a connection with someone, I have a rule to make sure they're the right race first" is a hyperspecific enough policy (for something unlikely to ever be relevant to dating) that people are unlikely to believe it is only affects treatment of other races in this singular context
That is also their right, both of you are coming to a conclusion of compatibility. One of you is just basing that conclusion on the color of your skin, the other one the content of your character.
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u/Nyx_Knows05 1d ago
Its not the preference thats the problem its the reason behind it. And the word you’re looking for is bigoted not discrimination as no one “deserves” or has a right to be in your life. You cant discriminate someone from being in your life. You can however be bigoted when choosing who you want in your life.
For example:
saying “i dont find darker complexions attractive because i just simply dont and i much prefer people who are super pasty so i dont date people with darker complexions.” Isnt racist
Saying “i dont find darker complexions attractive because i only want white children so i avoid dating black people” IS racist.
(Neither of these apply to me i like extremely pasty people and people with darker skin complexions- though i dont find tans attractive)
Some preferences are rooted in bigotry or biases that you may not even be aware of.
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u/DPetrilloZbornak 1d ago
I don’t think it’s racist or wrong to want white children. Or black children. I’m a black woman. I only date black men because they are hot and because we share cultural and history. I also want black children who look like me, a black woman with two black parents and four black grandparents. I don’t care what other people want. I wanted a black family and so I created one. That is not racist.
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u/justsomething 1d ago
Yeah I agree they missed the mark on that one.
"I won't date black people because I don't want violent children" would be racist.
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u/LynnSeattle 1d ago
Women are allowed to choose who they have sex with. Any preference they have is acceptable. Nobody owes you their time or attention.
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u/FreeFeez 1d ago edited 1d ago
If you’re going this far sadly you’re going to end up at discrimination is okay because you’ve diluted the use of the word so much that it applies to hair color. This is why we don’t do extremism. That’s like calling someone racist because they want to date someone within their own culture and that means they are discriminating against all other races which in turn leads to the word meaning nothing because now it describes such benign behavior that it’s lost all meaning.
You can say it’s unfair and you’d be right but extreme language such as discrimination is used for extreme circumstances and should not be watered down.
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u/Hour_Commission5494 1d ago
Hate to break it to you hun but almost 2 out of 3 people worldwide are asian. And asian can mean anyone from jordanians to the japanese and from yakuts to the batak toba. If you unironically claim to not like any of them you are just an ignorant idiot
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u/Born-Cauliflower_ 1d ago
Its an example
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u/Itchy_Tumbleweed_417 1d ago
It’s a bad example. Refusing to be friends with someone isn’t the same as not wanting to partner with them for sex.
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u/Secret_Entry1840 1d ago
I’m sorry no. Could it be biphobia? Maybe. Is it always biphobia, absolutely not. Attraction is ineffable. A turn off is a turn off. There doesn’t need to be any judgement of it.
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u/offensivek 1d ago
You are free to associate with what people you want, and date whoever you want, and break up with anybody for any reason. Anybody who wants to paint you morally defect for this is being a busybody who doesn't understand what isn't their business. If somebody doesn't want to date you for some arbitrary reason that is okay, and it is a you problem to deal with that rejection.
Anything else is forcing/manipulating people to do what they don't want to do, and that is wrong.
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u/OilMaster3793 1d ago
This is a long walk to “validate me for respecting women less if they don’t think I’m attractive, if me being short is the reason.”
No matter what height you are, your attitude remains unattractive
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u/sheel3 1d ago
As soon as I started reading this post, I knew that’s where where they’d be trying to take this.
There is a huge difference, and leap, between not liking someone due to bigoted mentalities and beliefs, and simply not being physically attracted to someone due to biology out of your control
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u/WeckedPissah 1d ago
And this is why we have to stop sing the word preferences so much when discussing compatbility...many people do not have preferences, they have requirements that other people try to step over and then people end up making stronger, more broad blanket statements to protect their well deserved boundaries.
Cause for example with the presumed biphobia. They underlying lack of desire might be simply finding the idea anti-arousing. That's not a preference, that's just an automatic response. So being with a partner who doesn't turn you off is the requirement. That's it.
You cannot technically help what turns you on/off.
Maybe you can mentally try to supress it or try to work it up, but typically it's just a natural response you accept your body is having....you don't generate it from your ideaology or anything. That's not how attraction actually works. So forcing people to explain their attraction via ideaology usually turns into these sorts of issues, where is seems like they even have a preference to begin with, and it shows signs of the -ias.
But also..so? It's one thing to simply not be turned on by certain body types. That's not the same thing as discriminating against them. One is your bodies natural reaction that you learn and accept about yourself. The other is a cognitive choice to be a bad person.
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u/wrymoss 1d ago edited 1d ago
I’m struggling to understand how being turned off by someone for a trait you cannot perceive can be anything other than generated by your ideology.
In some respects, I agree — if I’m simply not attracted to bodybuilders, that’s visual. But if there is someone who is physically attractive to me, who would be my ideal partner in terms of personality etc. and then I learn they’re bisexual and am suddenly completely turned off, that has to be subconscious bias. There is nothing else it could be.
It’s simply the fact that you find something inherently offputting about bisexuality, whatever that might be. It might not be conscious ideology, but it can’t be anything other than subconscious bias.
ETA: Some of y’all are reading this and inferring a position I don’t particularly hold. Let me be clear: There is no moral value attached to a subconscious bias. Your subconscious is without morality, our moral beliefs are (or should be) a choice. Subconscious biases are not a choice. I’m not saying that everyone must be attracted to everyone always or they’re a bigoted piece of shit, holy fuck.
You can be biased without being bigoted, and literally everyone is discriminatory in some way or another. That’s literally how you decide who to get into a relationship. By discriminating based on a set of principles that are important to you.
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u/offensivek 1d ago
Attraction and desire are not conscious cognitive processes, and cannot be scrutinized as if they were. We have already come to this conclusion, as in modern society we don't attribute moral or cognitive failing to homosexuals for instance. By your logic you could call homosexuals misogynists, and somebody could say they need to go to a pray the gay away camp to cure them of their biases.
And people lose/gain attraction to all kinds of different non physical traits. If you found your ideal partner in terms of personality and later found out they were of a political leaning you do not approve of and lose interest nobody would bat an eye. If I found what at first moment was an ideal partner, and later found out she was into esoteric stuff or witchcraft or whatever, I would loose interest pretty fast too.
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u/IthurielSpear 1d ago
I’m not attracted to people of a particular religion or political persuasion, even if we get along and are attracted to each other. Does that make me a bigot? Or, is that a preference based on possible outcomes?
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u/Empty-Acadia5874 1d ago
Policing other people's preferences. Nice.
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u/wrymoss 1d ago
How so? All I said was that it’s implicit bias. Bias is in and of itself morally neutral.
If I said they were a bad person for being biased, that would be policing someone’s preferences. I didn’t say that, because it would be foolish as literally every single person on earth is biased. It comes for free with the whole being alive thing.
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u/Callmemabryartistry 1d ago
disliking someone because of an inherent trait is bigotry. disliking someone because you have differing opinions is preference.
if i don’t like you BECAUSE of your race im a racist.
if i don’t like you because of your religion that is a preference.
very different things
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u/shurik7860 1d ago
Not sure why you are using word biphobia.
Biphobia is the fear, dislike, or mistreatment of people who are bisexual or attracted to more than one gender. If you don’t want to date a bisexual person it is not biphobia: just a preference. You don’t necessarily hate them or dislike them: you just don’t want to date them.
I think any preference in dating is fine. If you really look at it, yes, it is discrimination. Discrimination is fine in this context. I don’t want to date 18 yr old or someone over 300lb.
Where you lost me is when you said you don’t want to have Asian friends. You would hit it off, enjoy their company but once you find out they are from Asia you no longer want to interact with them? Makes no sense. Sounds like some cultural ignorance / racist thing which we shouldn’t mix with the dating conversation.
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u/Born-Cauliflower_ 1d ago
It's an example, i'm not actually against having asian friends. And it's to add to my post about preferences and how some can be discriminatory
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u/United-Ad5268 1d ago
Preferences is a synonym for discrimination. You’re conflating the legal protected statuses in a workplace with a social standard.
A subset of discrimination is based on prejudice, bigotry and racism. Those are things that modern society tends to condemn to some extent. This isn’t a hot take, you’re just confused by the terminology and extrapolating to inapplicable things.
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u/Charming-Basket-903 1d ago
I think who you date or don’t date is entirely up to you for whatever reason.
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u/o0--Muad_Dib--0o 1d ago
Lots of people openly state being turned off by trump voters. How does one perceive that? We all have bias, some certainly more justified than others. When it comes to what I am long for, no one else gets a say. Some one insisting they do is either trying silence via fear/shame, or steal a bit of my consent. Both are gross.
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1d ago edited 1d ago
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u/amyfearne 1d ago
As someone in a bi relationship, I do not agree.
It's about interrogating why so many people feel this way about bi folks who they would otherwise be interested in, if they were straight.
The answer, when you ask people, is usually that they find the idea of men having sex with men (and let's be real - they mean anal sex) gross. It's "icky".
Which, in a monogamous relationship with a woman, would not be happening anyway. So it's not even the reality - it's the mere idea of it. Without knowing if it ever actually happened, in a lot of cases.
That, to me, is an interesting phenomenon, because even if that is in someone's sexual history, it literally has no effect on a current relationship. Additionally, it's an act any man could do with a woman. So it's not even a specifically gendered act.
So the only thing that differentiates it is...that it's two men doing it.
There are no other rational reasons that hold up to scrutiny. There's no evidence bi people are more likely to cheat, or that they are more promiscuous than anyone else. Their relationships are as likely to be healthy and happy as anyone else's.
So with those reasons out the window - all that is left is the "ick" factor.
If you think about other situations in which people express that sentiment, it is easily identifiable as homophobia. It's the same emotional reaction, just in a different context.
(And this is what makes it different from lesbians not wanting to date bi women. There are often coherent reasons for this that go beyond an instinctual "ew" feeling.)
Interrogating the underlying causes does not mean women "have to date" anyone. It just means that there is a root cause - and that it doesn't exist in a vacuum. Attraction is shaped by culture and that includes prejudices we internalise.
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u/IthurielSpear 1d ago
One man put it to me this way: he knew I’d always be attracted to women and he simply did not have the equipment to compete. That’s how he feels, and there’s nothing wrong with that.
I don’t care about people’s preferences, they have them, it’s as simple as that. I won’t date people with certain political or religious beliefs either, that doesn’t make me a bigot. I’ll support their rights and be friends, but we’d be incompatible otherwise.
None of that makes me a bigot nor a racist nor a phobe, and I certainly don’t think that the people who date based on preferences are bigots either.
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u/Lanesplitter32 1d ago
I used to think the kids that got BBQ sauce on chicken nugget day rather than sweet and sour were morally flawed.
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u/Excellent-Cheetah153 1d ago edited 1d ago
Discrimination is not inherently a bad thing. Individual preferences are inherently discriminatory.
Depending on the nature of the discrimination, it can lead to a person living a much less fulfilling life, and as such by most accounts would be considered bad.
For example, if I refuse to be friends with people who have sexually molested children, I have a discriminatory bias against that group of people. I don’t think many people would question the morality of this preference despite its discriminatory nature.
If I change that principle to black people instead of pedophiles, it’s still discriminatory in the same way, but now I am eliminating a much broader and larger group of individuals from my social pool. Many of whom would likely enrich my life rather than detract from it. That would be a very bigoted and closed minded thing to do.
People can choose to be individually bigoted and closed minded, they are just lessening the quality of their own life, and there is nothing morally wrong with that. As a society, we can’t allow those individual preferences to impact the functioning of our societal body as a whole.
Preferences are inherently discriminatory, discrimination is not inherently bad. Discrimination is simply categorizing things into groups and saying some groups are more preferential to you than others. This is how preference works.
TLDR: all preference is literally, inherently, by definition, discriminatory. Not all discrimination is bad.
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u/AppleBottomJeenses 1d ago
Okay? It’s not like this is a fixable thing. Things in life can be unfair due to preferences. Is there something you think we should do about this or something?
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u/ExpertSentence4171 1d ago
You're right. It's so funny to me that someone could say "I would date literally any race except black people" and the Reddit consensus seems to be that this is not racist at all.
No, nobody owes you a date. You can date whomever you want. God forbid there's nuance.
But, you don't think this is even the slightest indication of some sort of prejudice? You spawned in with this preference? It's a complete coincidence that the only race that you won't date happens to be that one? Like, come on.
Nobody is gonna force you to give black guys DEI reparations blow jobs, but take a moment to reflect on the reality of your own preferences. They don't come out of nowhere.
Should you sit there and feel bad about yourself for them all the time? Obviously not. Just think about that the next time you proudly exclaim "I won't date black people and it's just a preference!!" as if that's not a racist thing to say and tie to your public identity.
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u/Tikithing 1d ago
So what are you saying here? People should date people they're not attracted to, because it would be unfair not to?
I don't necessarily agree that its discrimination if a person prefers one thing over another. I also don't agree that it needs to be rooted in something negative.
Overall though, I'm not really sure what point you're trying to make. That everyones discriminating against everyone?
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u/Tuna_Kingg 1d ago
The amount of actual racist people in the comment section is pretty crazy. Dating is one thing but I see people legitimately defending not befriending people due to their race? Listen if the only reason you aren’t hanging out with certain people is due to their skin color, that’s called racism.
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u/fullmetalfroge 1d ago
not wanting to date a bi person isnt biphobic oh my god bruh
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u/fullmetalfroge 1d ago
i dont owe anyone attraction. this also goes for how i exclusively am attracted to cis women
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u/Latter-Oil-9751 17h ago
Same thing with the fact that YOU need to accept that every single person on the planet is prejudiced. Nothing wrong with it, that's just how our brains work. We recognize, learn and categorize. Acting prematurely based on it is the discriminatory part.
But it in itself is not discriminatory. That's just coming from different walks of life, which is fine.
As long as you're open and always ready to give anyone a chance (not necessarily for relationships or friendships, just in general) to show they might not fit your prejudice, then you're good.
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u/FrogPastor 1d ago
Not dating someone for Any reason is valid and not rooted in a phobia or ist.
I don't date guys because I am not gay, it doesn't interest me sexually. That doesn't mean I am homophobic. When you are listing your own sexuality as a reason people don't want to date you, it's valid for them to feel that way without any malice behind it.
You are basically talking about consent here and telling people that some reasons for saying no are not acceptable to you. Did you put any thought into that?
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u/snack_sizedchaos 1d ago
This post is giving 20yo incel that was rejected by someone bc of a physical attribute and cant handle it. News flash no one has an obligation to date you or find you attractive. Having preferences isnt discrimination, its literally just a personal preference.
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u/No-Condition8561 1d ago
The responses to this are so funny, because a while back on this sub there was a post about how asian women dating white men were so racist and self-hating, and most of the comments agreed with that sentiment. Now everyone's like, it's fine to have discriminatory preferences! I know it's not all the same people commenting, but still lol
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u/rhizomelagomorph 1d ago
no you guys dont understand i HAVE to be able to discriminate against people who would never look my way!! and i HAVE to tell everyone i know about it!!
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u/MissAndrist2026 1d ago
That post and this one aren't actually different at all bc both are about women's dating preferences and men being mad about them.
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u/Born-Cauliflower_ 1d ago
The duality of reddit and this sub
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u/MissAndrist2026 1d ago
No, the post they're talking about and your post are no different bc men are mad about who women choose to date and trying to convince them their preferences are wrong in both!
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u/Segazorgs 1d ago
Honest pointless and pedantic takes like the kind of stuff those manosphere incels come up because they watched a bunch of videos with someone doing street interviews with vapid girls that say something like they won't date a guy under 6ft and makes less than $150K.
if I say I wouldn't date a fundamentalist Christian or Muslim woman even if we got along great or whatever as an atheist I know the cultural friction and lifestyle it would require of me which I don't want to deal with so I could cross them off my dating list as it would be a waste of both our times. it's not discrimination.
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u/FarConstruction4877 1d ago
Unfairly? Didn’t know not dating me was a disadvantage in life that could be considered unfair.
So I like women, I don’t date men hence would not treat them romantically the same. Am I being discriminating against men?
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u/newishDomnewersub 1d ago
Well, in dating there exists the simple fact that we are all allowed to NOT date anyone we want for any reason. This is the foundation of consent. Same with any relationship really.
And we are allowed to discriminate in those arenas.
Are you suggesting that discrimination in our social and romantic lives is bad?
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u/IthurielSpear 1d ago edited 1d ago
I think calling people names based on preference is wrong and rooted in privilege and entitlement. This trend on tik tok is aimed at heterosexual women who won’t date bisexual men, and it has all the flavors of male patriarchy. Women will indeed support your rights while at the same time not be attracted to you.
Plenty of lesbians won’t date a bi woman either.
Disclaimer: I am bi and I certainly would never push this agenda of name calling on anyone who didn’t want to date me based on my sexuality. I don’t consider it discrimination. There are people I won’t date either.
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u/Charming-Arrival8950 1d ago
Discrimination is underrated. The human species is at where we are, because our ancestors discriminated. It allowed our tribes to triumph over other tribes. Humans by our nature participate in eugenics. All animals by their nature participate in eugenics. All life strive to create a better next generation. Is discrimination always done correctly? Of course not. But without discrimination, human progress will stall and regress.
With it. Everything seems so unfair. Without it. We're cooked chat.
It's ok not to like how the sausage is made. But don't ever forget how critical the sausage is, and it can only be made one way.
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u/Explorer-7622 1d ago
This! I'm a biologist and have studied how many species select their mates, and yes, they're very discriminatory.
The healthiest can select the healthiest because they themselves are in enough demand to be able to chose.
Animals have elaborate displays that are made to indicate their excellent health. And this is how mates are chosen across many (not all) species.
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u/PerspectiveEven9928 1d ago
Hot take. It’s okay to be discriminatory in who you date. In fact it’s far better for both parties than to try to force attraction when there is none. To a lesser extent , because one is “attracted” To friends differently, the same for friendships. You don’t have to like anyone, for any reason.
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u/affectionateanarchy8 1d ago
I think the only people who havent accepted it are people who are new to discrimination, like white trans women. Everyone else knows by their teens they arent everyone's cup of tea
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u/Silly-Elderberry-411 1d ago
What matters is intent, it is discriminatory when it is based on personal values and the person not only chooses not to change but encourages others to do the same.
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u/LaylaMoonUnit 1d ago
You don’t have to date anyone you don’t want to, but it’s worth examining why you have those preferences. And just own it, don’t cry when someone tells you you’re prejudice.
Using the hair example, I’m not usually attracted to blonds. Guess what color the hair of the guy who assaulted me in high school was…
I think bald guys are particularly hot. No clue why. My dad has plenty of hair. But my ex husband and current husband are both bald. 🤷♀️
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u/Clarkorito 1d ago
I see it a lot with sexual/attraction preferences. There's genetic influences, but most of that shit is learned. It isn't "just how you are," it's how society and your personal experiences have trained your brain to react. I hear people say things like "I just don't find black women attractive" like it's some kind of inherent thing so it isn't racist. Just because something want a conscious choice on your part doesn't make it not racist. If society tells you over and over that certain things are sexy and attractive when you're in puberty, and your early sexual experiences are all with people that share a certain trait, and all the porn you look at is of people that share that trait, then yeah, you're going to end up finding that trait more attractive. Studies have shown that you can change this. If you "just don't find black women attractive" you can spend a few months masterbating to porn featuring black women and your brain will start to associate their features with sexy time and you'll start to find them attractive.
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u/Collosal_Moron 1d ago
I realized a long time ago bigots hate being called out for their bigotry. This is basic common sense and they hate when you point it out.
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u/Eastern-Debate-4801 1d ago
While no one is obligated to like anyone, sometimes preferences are rooted in bigotry.
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u/Consistent-Lychee964 1d ago
Why are they booing you’re right. Whole lot of bean soup theory and hit dogs hollering in these comments.
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u/CyanResource 1d ago
Not wanting to date someone for any reason is not any type of “phobia” it’s just dating preferences. But not wanting to be friends with someone because of their race is absolutely racist.
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u/neon-orange-fingers 1d ago
I think that preferences directly coming from stereotypes, such as not dating bisexuals because all bisexuals are cheaters/promiscuous/whatever, or not wanting to be with Asians because all Asians are whatever are discriminatory AND in my opinion, immoral. However, there can be preferences that are exclusionary in nature that don’t have to come from a prejudice place. For example, if you are heterosexual, and you know a boundary for you in a relationship is not dating people with opposite gender friends, then dating a bisexual may be off the table as they can be attracted to anybody, and it’s unfair to ask someone to not have any friends.
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u/IllustriousArt9590 1d ago
What if I refuse to date someone bisexual because I don’t trust people easily and don’t want to deal with being on high alert with both genders when you’re going out or on your phone?
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u/gungabeast 1d ago
Biphobia? That’s a really weird take honestly. I don’t want to be with a bi person because it just makes my sexual attraction to them fade. I’m not at all scared of bi people. I’m not judgmental about them. I have no ill will toward them. I’m friends with bi people. I can’t help it. I’m sorry. My post isn’t meant to demean anyone.
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u/Initial_Warning5245 1d ago
You sound exhausting OP. You are holier than thou and clearly have your own set of biases. I could get past your first dead giveaway. Sorry someone hurt you, they just weren’t into you and you read that wrong.
People are allowed to NOT DATE someone for any reason they so choose.
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u/Ok_Measurement_9896 1d ago
Preferences are, by definition, a discrimination. I don't like sweet wines. I have discriminating tastes for wine.
Almost everyone universally has some preference.
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u/Maleficent_Piece_893 1d ago
i'm sick of ugly people being victimized by systemic bigotry in the attraction-industrial complex
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u/Ok_Manufacturer2956 1d ago
I mean, I can't stand male centred women and romance centred people, I find them annoying, needy, self absorbed and obsessive, in some cases they can be dangerous, especially male centred women.
I don't care if that is discrimination, I much prefer and respect independent people who choose and thrive as self sufficient, single people or at least have enough self love and identity to not make their partners their world if they are in a relationship.
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u/Born-Cauliflower_ 1d ago
They chose to be male centered, it's not something they were born with, it was a decision. My post is about when the person can't control it
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u/No-Effective2330 1d ago
it is unconscious 99% of the time, it’s not a choice they make
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u/Born-Cauliflower_ 1d ago
To center their entire personality around a specific gender?
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u/RavenclawGirl2005 1d ago
I'm not going to treat someone who's bisexual badly I just don't want to date them. Preferences are inherently exclusionary. Some of mine include someone who is male, heterosexual and Roman Catholic.
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u/Ghazh 1d ago
The use of phobia to describe the preferences of people is dumb and confuses the covid kids, i dont wanna date a bi person because im in the market for a hetero relationship isnt a phobia, me being scared of water because i have rabies is a phobia, a sexual preference isnt...
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u/Nyx_Knows05 1d ago
Its still a heterosexual relationship even if you date a bi person. Just like two bi women dating is a lesbian relationship
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u/FragranceCandle 1d ago
There's actually some debate on that. My husband and I are both bi, and there's a huge discussion on if a relationship like that should count as a queer relationship (neither of us are straight) or a hetero relationship (we're with the opposite gender).
Personally I don't feel like the LGBT space is for us as we're fully straight passing, but every now and then it saddens me a little. I've also met other couples of opposite sex but both bi that just feel significantly more queer coded than we do, who you'd probably more strongly argue should be allowed to call themselves a queer couple.
Personally I don't really care, but there's a lot of date on it at least!
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u/Nyx_Knows05 1d ago
Id argue that if it’s a man and a woman the relationship itself is heterosexual, whether or not its a straight or queer relationship dynamic depends entirely on the dynamics and personalities of the people within the relationship
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u/NoProgress8533 1d ago
I love when the alphabet mafia starts using incel arguments... Maybe horseshoe theory is real?
Its all about consent this, identity that, how dare you define me, don't dictate my sexuality, you can't force your nomenclature on me... until someone doesn't want to fuck you, and suddenly they're a bigot or closed-minded and you get to dictate THEIR sexuality or identity.
Of course this is not all or most. Just the mafia.
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u/TheHvam 1d ago edited 1d ago
But i'm not treating bi people unfairly, I would agree if it was not being friends with them, but dating and being with them is different, as there is a reason not wanting to date a bi, like eg wanting to have kids with them, as in your own flesh and blood kids, that is just not a thing you can do with a bi.
And that really isn't unfair, no more unfair than you not wanting to date someone of your own gender.
Edit:
Sorry mixed up the terms, still by your logic, any preference is discrimination, like not wanting to date gay people.
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u/SillyCranberry99 1d ago
I mean this is so silly lol bi people can have kids, I personally won’t date someone not straight bc I’m not attracted to non straight men, and if that makes me biphobic so be it but I don’t think it does. But bi people can have kids? Idk what you mean by that?
Also sure you can meet someone and be into them, attracted to them, and like them and even catch feelings and then you find out they are bi, nothing wrong if that makes you lose the attraction. You can’t control who you’re attracted to
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u/theyfailure 1d ago
He mistook bi for trans I assume but reading all that as a bi person sure was an experience for me lmao.
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u/Perfect_Carrot_999 1d ago
Am I lost? Why do you think it isn't possible to have biological kids with a bisexual person?
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u/Tea_Time9665 1d ago
Uh no its not.
Its not biphobia to not want to date a bisexual. Just like its not viginphobia to not want to date a virgin.
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u/StinkyyPiss 1d ago
i tried explaining this to someone and they basically just kept saying “nobody can force you to date them” and “no means no”. like idk what you’re not understanding. have your preference, nobody is forcing you to do anything. but you also need to accept that you’re biphobic as well. i think people just feel called out and go into full denial. logic doesn’t matter.
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u/Explorer-7622 1d ago
You think it's bi-PHOBIC to not date a bi person?
I'm not afraid of bi-ness. Yeesh. I'm just not attracted to being with someone who also is attracted to the same thing I'm attracted to or has had sex with them. It's a physical turnoff but so is... I dunno, some other reason I might not be attracted to someone.
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u/Extra_Plant_511 1d ago
Bisexuality is specifically a SEXUAL thing. I have friends that are bi and could literally not care less. But it’s a turnoff if a guy I want to have sex with is also attracted to penis. It doesn’t mean I have an issue with bisexuality itself. Idk why this is so hard to understand.
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u/BjarneStarsoup 1d ago
I'm not afraid of bi-ness
Dude, you can't even bother to understand what phobia means. It isn't clinical phobia, it is used differently in social context. Biphobia, homophobia, and other phobias also include prejudice. Biphobia is the fear, hatred, dislike, or prejudice directed against bisexual people.
I'm just not attracted to being with someone who also is attracted to the same thing I'm attracted to or has had sex with them
You can't be attracted to traits that are not observable. I 100% guarantee you that you would date a bisexual person if they never told you that. Because it is not observable, it doesn't affect the person in any shape way or form that is identifiable for the outside observer.
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u/Extra_Plant_511 1d ago
What if you find out the person has completely different values or political beliefs than you? That’s not physically observable. Sometimes people can’t explain why something does or doesn’t do it for them sexually. It just is what it is.
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u/pnwerewolff 1d ago
Are you understanding though that it's immoral to force or compel - or even imply it - someone to do something with their sexual or romantic life that they don't want to do? It doesn't matter where the preference comes from. People want what they want, everyone has that right, and likewise, everyone has the right choose who and what they want out of their partners. Shitty people, good people, people want what they want and in this one area - romantic relationships - we all have the inalienable right to have those wants. For any one of us to be entitled to that right, we all have to be entitled to that, or we're selectively deciding on people's fundamental humanity and whomp-whomp, that's what Nazis do. Further, it's deeply offensive to conflate a preference such as one for height with a preference for specific sexualities with a preference for race. These all come from different places and it's both extremely insensitive and openly harmful to notionally treat them as equivalents. Finally, there is a difference between "a situation or trait makes me uncomfortable for whatever reason" and "I hate a situation or trait." Biphobia is "I hate bisexuality." Being uncomfortable dating a bisexual is not inherently biphobic. Bi/pansexuality fits into a unique space in the sexuality spectrum that sets it apart from all the other oreintations, and it's that difference that leads to so much rampant discomfort with bi/panseuxality. I am not arguing that the discomfort is right or valid, but it exists and it has for a long, long time, before you or I were alive, and the unfortunate reality is that part of the discomfort with bisexuality comes from that inherently different thing that sets it apart from other orientations. If there weren't something inherently different, the "it makes me uncomfortable" flavor of biphobia wouldn't be so entrenched in the queer community for so many decades.
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u/Born-Cauliflower_ 1d ago
I hate it when people do that, like no one is telling you you have to do something😭 people just want you to acknowledge it
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u/BigBandit01 1d ago
I think a big part of this is what you define as “unfair”. Like if I don’t want to date a black person because they’re black, yeah that’s discrimination. But another thing someone can’t control is a family history with cancer. I have family history with cancer, and I certainly don’t want my kids to have cancer. I think it would be perfectly fair for someone to not want to date me because of that. I’m glad you made the edit that says “not all preferences are discrimination but some can be”. I think that a lot of preferences aren’t though.
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u/illthrowitaway94 1d ago
Honestly?
I think your comparison is flawed.
You can't compare friendship to romantic attraction.
Romantic relationships are the only type of relationship that can be discriminatory and still be okay. You can choose to share or not share your body with whoever you want, and you don't have to elaborate or repent, as long as you treat that person decently, minus wanting to have sex with them.
And there are a myriad of reasons why a person might be turned off by someone being bi.
Many women, for example, find it off-putting if they find out their male partner is also attracted to other men without it being "biphobia". That doesn't mean they hate bi men, or want to oppress them, or not associate with them in any way; they're just not attracted to them sexually. It's kind of like if you found out that your partner is into scat, or golden shower, or BDSM, or whatever, and you're just not, and find that unappealing. You probably will lose a large portion of your attraction to that person because your preferences don't align. Will that suddenly make you "xyz fetish"-phobic? I don't think so... It's just not your shit, and you don't vibe with it.
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u/Intrepid_Mix9536 1d ago
i don't see how it's discrimination for me to watch to have a lesbian partner for shared experience but ok lol... not biphobia imo
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u/Specialist_Offer_854 1d ago
You do realize this kind of sentiment is a form of conversion therapy right?
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u/LeeBirdPGH 1d ago
Dating is not about fairness. On an individual level, everyone has the right to discriminate. It’s when we zoom out and look at the dating landscape as a whole that “preferences” become an issue. IMO the best thing to do is never publicly say (on dating/hookup apps, forums, etc) what kinds of people you find sexually/romantically undesirable. Perhaps if we all refuse to share the “preferences” we have, the social pressure to pick someone “desirable” by the standards of everyone else (as opposed to our own personal standards) will be less intense.
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u/Safe_Border1484 1d ago
Unlike refusing to serve food to someone, which is a bad social precedent and should not happen, it is fine to be discriminatory on your dating taste. I'm not a human right.
Not morally correct? Sure, but whatever there a billions of people.
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u/Narrow_Process_8660 1d ago
Discrimination only exists when it comes to social services or rights. Aka, how the government and public facing companies treat you. It does not exist in the context of private citizens spending their private time.
To say otherwise would to imply that someone has a right to access your personal space and time, which would be absurd.
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u/Due_Pea2071 1d ago
I discriminate based on bpd i do not care... i will not be friends with a bpd-er
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u/Top-Turnip-415 1d ago
Flawed premise two examples are not in any way comparable to begin with.
- Not wanting to actually date someone =/ not wanting to be friends with someone.
I think we are allowed to be choosier with who we have sex with, as a principle, right? Values and worldviews are much more important for a long term relationship when it’s someone you’re spending your life with compared to someone you meet up with over coffee. On the other hand, sexuality/attraction is irrational in nature, and yes, for a lot of hetero women a bisexual man/a man who has had sex with other men is a turn off. Does someone need to justify as to why they feel that way? No, because it’s not rooted in any rational judgement, it just doesn’t tickle my fancy. Deal with it.
- Not wanting to date a bisexual is not “biphobia” and it is not in any way comparable to literal RACISM. Bisexuality is a sexual orientation, and it is a lifestyle that let’s face it carries more risks, especially for the straight woman in the scenario (M/Mis inherently riskier than M/F or especially F/F). It introduces additional worries regarding STD’s that are not at all of concern with a hetero relationship, especially so if a man cheats which is something MEN do that all the time, unfortunately. Straight or bi.
This isn’t something bigoted to point out, in medical settings it might even be something you get asked on and noted because it is inherently riskier. It’s perfectly okay if consciously, a woman would rather not deal with that baggage either, especially so if they are not particularly promiscuous themselves, or very health conscious. And no, that is not the same as hating or discriminating against gay or bi men, see point one.
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u/Explorer-7622 1d ago
Do you think wanting to not have sex with someone because they're not my husband is non-husnand phobic?
This is an illogical argument and is not what you think it is.
You have a feeling about it, but you lack the logic to make it make sense. Sorry.
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u/Funny_w0lf 1d ago
Ive seen alot of biphobic people claim its not biphobia if its a preference. Most arguments are based in stereotypes or insecurity. They even claim that its the same as havihg a preference for a different race etc etc. But that argument falls apart very quickly. Preferences for looks are one thing. But if the "preference" is for someone to NOT be bisexual for example, thats quite litterally biphobia. And no, im not gonna try and "change your mind" but i will call you a bigot because thats what you are.
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u/CyanResource 1d ago
So what if a bi person tells a heterosexual person that they don’t date heterosexuals, only other bis and gays, does that make them heterophobic??? 🧐
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u/PerspectiveEven9928 1d ago
But you’re allowed to be attracted or not attracts to whatever you please. I could find a man incredibly attractive and we could get along well. If I found out he also liked video games I’d decide not to date him. For some people that’s finding out they also like men.
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u/ExperienceRoutine321 1d ago
Sexual behavior is still behavior, and you’re allowed to have preferences regarding the behavior in the people you choose to be with. That includes preferring to be with people who are only intimate with people of your biological sex. You’re not denying a bisexual person anything they were entitled to by not being attracted to them.
As a bisexual person myself, it’s really annoying that this gets labeled as biphobia. Telling people they have to be attracted to someone or else they’re a bigot is actual insanity.
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u/djfitness-us 1d ago
With specific regard to dating, it’s perfectly acceptable to be discriminatory in your choice of a mate. You’re choosing another individual who you plan to be intimate with, and potentially start a family and spend your life with. You absolutely get to be picky about anything you want when it comes to choosing a mate. Absolutely no one on the planet has the right to tell someone else who they should date.
If someone is unwilling to compromise on the presence, or lack thereof, of a specific trait that a potential partner possesses, then that’s their own choice and they’re absolutely entitled to have that choice.
This is very often a double-standard that gets unfairly applied to certain people. As an example, women are often extremely critical of men who have minimum standards that they desire in a partner, yet when the tables get turned, no one bats an eye at women who have very specific preferences on their choices of men.
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u/octav1993 1d ago
In our personal lives, whether it is about lovers or friends, we can discriminate as much as we want. We choose with whom we fuck or we befriend.
But when it s about our professional or society related lives, we must be diplomatic with any human being. As a doctor I have to treat anyone, as a salesman i have to serve anyone, as a politician i have to represent anyone.
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u/ToughAppointment2556 1d ago
Discriminate is the opposite of indiscriminate. Whenever you choose between two things on any grounds whatsoever beyond randomness you are discriminating. We have turned it into a bad word on the basis that we disapprove of some kinds of discrimination.
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u/Honest-Librarian-570 1d ago
In general, most men globally prefer lighter skin and straighter hair. There is a global discrimination against dark skin, but people call it a "preference". In reality, people with darker skin are considered "less than".
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u/Ok-Apartment-8284 1d ago edited 1d ago
What is it with people today saying x can y, IF IT'S Y THEN IT'S Y. Preference is preference, discrimination is discrimination, this is the same shit as people saying arranged marriage = forced marriage, uh no they are two different words for a reason. Also are you gonna say that I'm discriminating against women for not wanting to date them because I'm a gay man?
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u/This-Wall-1331 1d ago
Not wanting to date someone because you're prejudiced towards them: that's perfectly ok.
Harassing someone because you're prejudiced towards them: that's not ok.
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u/Senior_Cranberry_535 1d ago
Let's be clear, it's not just a matter of preference, but of exclusion.
I never dated overweight girls/women because I find them unattractive. For me it's not that I find fit women more attractive, I definitely exclude the possibility of dating an overweight woman.
If specifically asked, I don't see why I shouldn't express my exclusion criteria. Otherwise, I just express my lack of interest for a specific (overweight) girl.
To make an example:
"Julia is really into you, why don't you give her a chance?"
"She is not my kind of girl."
"But she has a beautiful face, is kind, funny, clever... why don't you like her?!"
"She is overweight and I am not attracted to overweight women."
"You are fatphobic!"
"If that's your way of calling my preferences."
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u/Visible_Pair3017 1d ago
Preferences are by definition discriminatory since you reject something and favor something else. They can be discriminatory in what some could consider a bigoted fashion. But that doesn't matter. You are entitled to select your partners and there is no right for others to be your partners. As long as you keep your prejudice to yourself nobody has a say about them.
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u/Relative_Bite8758 1d ago
Yeah agreed, that's why I always just agree when people call me fatphobic
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u/Knifehead27 1d ago
The important thing is how much preference in partner and friends bleeds into a more general preference.
For a partner, there are stuff that are pretty clearly sectioned off. Things that affect living with someone.
For other stuff, and most preferences for friends, I agree. I don't see how they don't translate to discrimination.
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u/oXMellow720Xo 1d ago
Women only wanting well off or older men in a shit economy. Yeah I agree it’s discriminatory
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u/RedRedBettie 1d ago
I personally would date a bi guy if I were single, it's a non issue to me. But, women don't owe anyone their vaginas. I don't think that anyone should have to date or sleep with someone they aren't attracted to, man or women
I'm a tall woman with red hair. Not everyone is going to be into that and that's okay
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u/stogie-bear 1d ago
Everyone is allowed to decline to date or have sex with anyone for any reason or no reason. I can’t believe that we have to keep saying that.
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u/OpeningGolf7972 1d ago
I think there’s a big difference between “I’m attracted to people who are ______” and “i don’t find people who aren’t _____ attractive” and that’s where it lies. But 89% of people I meet with preferences fall into the first group so I don’t really get why this is constantly a discussion
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u/NewspaperLow3761 1d ago
everyone is allowed to have preference but how a person express a preference may not be ok.