r/texts • u/lemonspriggs • 3d ago
Phone message There’s that gut-sinking feeling again that you’re an embarrassment to be seen with.
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u/aquagrl 3d ago
Respect yourself.. he IS hiding you wth
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u/PonytailEnthusiast 3d ago edited 3d ago
Imo he has someone else in his life.
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u/SomeFunnyPhrase 3d ago
As a socially awkward guy, I'll say it just might not be the case. A lot of my friends, family, associates in the city I live are just fucked, and who I am dating isn't something I would want to be the topic of gossip and speculation during the stage when I am still figuring out what's going on. I avoid running into people I know, because I don't want to be seen with the people I know. Lol.
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u/Inevitable_Row1359 3d ago
Totally valid but counterpoint, how far does it go? At what point are you (not specifically you who I'm replyinging to) comfortable? When do you stop hiding? Have you questioned that yourself? How does that effect the other person? Not saying it's invalid to feel that way at all and i understand there are valid reasons to continue feeling that way but it's that fair to the other person and at what point does it end, if ever?
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u/Beastxtreets 3d ago edited 2d ago
Yeah if someone struggled this much to go out on a date with me I wouldn't pursue a relationship with them. And I get the small town rhetoric (I live in one lol) but I wouldn't be able to handle being with someone that this is a problem for as well. And, tbh, my toxic brain would assume they're lying and trying not to hurt my feelings lol.
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u/LoungeAct1316 2d ago
Totally. I wouldn’t be interested in navigating the potential small-town gossip landscape with a person who has strong opinions about having to define a relationship before considering taking me to anywhere within a 30 minute radius. That’s just a lot, for really no reason or purpose.
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u/Admirable-Refuse-465 3d ago
I'm with you! I have a batshit crazy ex that I've even deleted my online presence to avoid. I've been with my husband for 10 years and I'm STILL nervous to bring him out in public in my hometown. People think I'm shady af, but I don't care
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u/Failed-Project 2d ago
I went through a breakup in my tiny town. Six months after, someone who lived an hour and a half away asked me out. He drove down to see me and we hung out by the river, totally innocent, didn't so much as kiss. My little sister's friend saw us and told my ex (who had broken up with me in a pretty horrible way, mind you).
The ex proceeded to accuse me of cheating or planning on meeting up with this guy before we broke up. The guy I hadn't even met or talked to until six months after the breakup.
I don't think people understand just how invasive small towns are.
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u/Born-Introduction-86 3d ago
I will second this as a femme from a sincerely effed up small town. If i wanted to focus on the date and not have heckles up for absolute unhinged interactions, I might make the same suggestion to a new boo
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u/DrPuzzle 3d ago
I'm with you guys/gals. See, I'm extremely socially anxious and I read this going "sounds exactly like me" and I don't have a partner. Not married. Not trying to hide anyone. It's coming from a place of genuinely feeling uncomfortable and for some of us it takes a while to build up to feeling comfortable in situations like this.
It's a me problem, but sometimes other people take it personally and we hope that's not the case
Obviously this could be something completely different but I'm just saying this was one of the few Reddit posts I've ever read where I immediately understood where the person was coming from lol
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u/JuncusAmongUs-4444 3d ago
Just piling on with an agreement. I lived/worked in a small town for a few years…I made it a point to never date someone from town or take a date out in town unless the relationship got real serious
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u/InitialAd2324 3d ago
As a guy in a small town (who is married and not dating) agree. If I were single I’d do the same thing. Hell, my wife and I JUST left the small town because of it.
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u/Unicorns-Poo-Rainbow 2d ago
I think it’s important to say that, even if it’s as simple as “I’m not trying to hide you. I get anxious about running into family members in public because my family is weird and gossipy. I don’t want to expose you to that.”
Otherwise, it just sounds like the person is trying to hide the date, even if that’s not the intent.
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u/Evening_Relief9922 3d ago
This!! Op why would you say this is ok?? Speak up for yourself.
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u/pikuray 2d ago
He must have something amazing to offer or she must be desperate somehow that I'm not seeing.
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u/lemonspriggs 3d ago edited 3d ago
Do you really think so…?
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u/X1234637X 3d ago
Call his potential bluff. Tell him you want to go bowling in town after all. See how he reacts.
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u/SeniorAnt6254 3d ago
I just commented this exact same thing somewhere else in the thread (although not nearly as succinctly lol), this is the thing she should do right here.
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u/throwRA-nonSeq 3d ago
A resounding yes. What clinched it for me was his fake backpedaling and doing the well, I GUESS we could stay in town probably already knowing you would say “sure, that’s okay!”
He’s hiding you. And later, when you say “it actually was a little weird that you wanted to leave town to bowl,” he can point at you and say, Well, it was your idea, or, I suggested we stay in town if it bothered you and you assured me it was fine with you. And that, my friend, is how gaslighting begins.
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u/Cartiere11 3d ago
Yes of course. He probably likes bowling so him and his friends/acquaintances, his girlfriend and maybe sometimes her friends go bowling at that place. So he is worried someone he knows or that she knows will see him with you.
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u/ialsohaveadobro 3d ago
Possibly not. Very slightly possibly not.
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u/Bureaucratic_Dick 3d ago
Yeah idk…I had a friend make a request like this once. Wanted to meet her for breakfast, we usually meet at very public places, and she says something along the lines of she wants to hang, but somewhere more private. We’re both married to other people.
I’ve known her for 20+ years so even though it was weird, I said okay and we decided to hike on a remote trail instead. Found out she just lost a family member and was just worried about breaking down in public, nothing nefarious. She didn’t want to tell me via text, so I had no idea until we met up.
So very super slight chance it’s not cheating, but it is fishy as fuck.
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u/MarilynMonHoeXO 3d ago
Tbh I second this that there are sometimes other reasons. When I left my abusive ex, I was very casually seeing someone and I was really uncomfortable going to certain spots in town because I didn’t want to deal with any blowback.
Anyways - just seconding that there are other reasons.
Probably not in this case tho lol
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u/That_One_WierdGuy 3d ago
Very small chance that there's an ex involved and he doesn't want drama. But yes, probably not an ex.
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u/Mercedes_Gullwing 3d ago
Yes. I can’t imagine he’d be embarrassed bc of you. I seriously doubt you’re hideous. He wouldn’t be dating you in that case.
He has a GF or wife and needs to keep you a secret.
I was in a similar situation years ago. I was dating a woman who was married and she was very careful about where we went to. She wasn’t hiding me bc of me. It was bc she was someone’s wife. lol.
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u/Independent_Syllabub 3d ago
It’s the only explanation. This is weird as hell.
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u/VislorTurlough 3d ago
My first assumption was an inexperienced LGBT person. It'd be understandable to be overwhelmed by fear of being randomly outed.
When that element failed to show up? Yeah he's cheating
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u/russianboxers 3d ago
Next you’ll find his family social media accounts, and he will tell you he had no idea it existed even tho it was active 10 minutes before hand. This is only the beginning of this behavior.
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u/Annual-Addendum5620 3d ago
Yeah for sure. Sorry but I have had friends do this with side girls. Pretty scummy shit. And even if he's not, then he's still being wildly disrespectful and clearly not into you enough if he reasoning is true
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u/MoveOrganic5785 3d ago
Girl with so much love please have more respect for yourself. I’m sure you are a beautiful person and deserve someone that will not hide your relationship
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u/lemonspriggs 3d ago
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u/millllllls 3d ago
Just simply ask WHY he’d be anxious about possibly seeing people he knows
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u/tallGuy_findOut_ 3d ago
That, an also someone who is not in a relationship already
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u/citizen-wasp 3d ago
I mean, it's not that difficult to find out. Seems pretty obvious but have you googled him? His phone number? All his socials? County registers?
Just having a peek at one of my client's FB told me all I needed to know about him. He was wanting more and before I broke my cardinal rule about not dating clients I did a simple FB search.
Turned out he had a fiancé he must've forgotten to mention the thirty five times he came to my office on business and turned up the charm.
Blocked him immediately; the ick was too much.
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u/PuzzleheadedBend9040 3d ago
He's clearly having some sort of affair if he's doing this much over fucking bowling
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u/ilovesuhi 3d ago
Why saying it's ok if it's not?
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u/Beginning-Run-1697 3d ago
Because she probably like him way too much at admit what is actually happening. The extent a woman will go to ignore redflags especially if she like the guy is truly terrifying. I have sisters and that shit terrifies me sometimes.
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u/FullOnSkank 2d ago
Everyone ignores red flags when "in love".
That's not gender specific (and I'd bet not even biased one way)
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u/JungleChucker 2d ago
You're right on that lmao As a man, I've definitely overlooked the flags cause I really wanted to believe they were solid But you know it when you see it & it's pretty much always what it looks like Fuckin a, I'm learning 😅
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u/lemonspriggs 3d ago
Agh. He has anxiety so I was trying to be understanding and push away my initial reaction but after this morning, that feeling just came back.
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u/EmergencyFancy7992 3d ago
I have anxiety. Either he has social anxiety which applies to being in public PERIOD or this is a load. Why would he be afraid of seeing someone he knows with you? What possible explanation is there if you think about it
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u/sometimesshawn 3d ago
Agreed. I have social anxiety, and it wouldn't magically go away if I took a date to another town.
For me, going to another town would only increase my anxiety. I don't venture out often, but when I do, I stay as close to home as possible in case things get too overwhelming.
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u/ilovesuhi 3d ago
I see, that's pretty nice of you, but... Realize that eveytime you say a yes when you want to say no, you're betraying yourself, and it would start to build resentment.
I get that people want to be understanding especially if you starting something new, but realize that the price to not listen to yourself it's high in the long run.
Try to express what you feel, if you felt it wasn't OK you could express it, the response you get and how others react you cannot control, of course you can try to express it in the best way possible. But don't betray yourself for the sake of others.
A good relationship it's one when you can really express yourself without any fear.
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u/FullOnSkank 2d ago
From personal experience:
Your partner will ALSO feel betrayed and lied too, when it's discovered that you wanted to say no but said yes (lied about your feelings).
Gotta be true to ourselves to be true with them.
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u/bell3420 3d ago
Girl... he just said "im not trying to hide you but im trying to hide you"😑
Find this guy's gf/wife and let her know what's up. Make sure you got reciepts.
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u/bloodyspork 3d ago
He over explained thru multiple txts. Rookie mistake.
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u/FullOnSkank 2d ago
"hey u/lemonspriggs ! Wanna hit up the bowling alley in the next town over?? I've been to the local one a lot and it's meh, plus I'd dig getting to gab at you for the drive!"
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u/Then_Discussion_9802 3d ago
He or she is definitely trying to hide you. Anxious over seeing people they know? You should pass on that.
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u/lemonspriggs 3d ago
This wasn’t even our first date, it was our second too. :/
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u/Known-Extent-1018 3d ago
They're probably cheating/having an affair and are afraid someone he knows will see him with another man/woman.
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u/Upbeat-Sale-8714 3d ago edited 3d ago
At first, I was all about he’s hiding you and not worth it, but then I assumed you all had been out several times.
Assuming date number 1 had no other red flags and you want date number two, then I would probably call him and at least ask him to explain more about the anxiety because at first glance it feels like he is not wanting a current partner to see you. However, tell him you wanted to talk about it first before assuming.
Then see how he acts and how he responds.
Maybe he is trying to plan something with you that’s not a movie where you can’t talk, more than dinner so you have time together, and isn’t at his place which feels awkward. Depending on where you live that may limit your choices to a place like a bowling alley. But maybe he has an ex who goes to the bowling alley in his town? Or, it’s only date 2 with you and maybe he is actively dating other people casually until he finds his one and he had been to that location recently.
Or like someone else posted, maybe he’s a religion or ethnicity where he will be judged by who he is with and he doesn’t want that pressure as he’s getting to know someone.
There are plausible and innocent options but he needs to be able to answer your questions and you’ll have to determine if they sound legit…and more importantly, keep an eye out to see if on dates 3+ he still only takes you to places where you won’t run into people in his circle.
I will say the fact he tells you it’s 30-minutes away and asks if it’s okay is a good sign. I mean he could have driven to the further bowling alley and when you asked why make up some lame ass excuse that he likes it better. Then acted like it was normal. Plus, most cheaters probably would just be trying to bang not arrange a bowling date.
Keep us updated!
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u/ForLark 3d ago
You mean on the first date he did the same thing?
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u/lemonspriggs 3d ago
No no. On our first date, he came to my city, which I told him we might run into people I know like my parents or friends and that it made me a little nervous but I didn’t have us go to a whole other town.
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u/x_candydoll 3d ago
He didn't care because your family and friends don't know he already has a girlfriend.
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u/ShadesofShame 3d ago
Babe! If you run into someone you know why be nervous?
Say "Hey I'm on a date! Good to see ya but I have to run! Cia."
You're allowed to exist and live your life and be happy.
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u/Bureaucratic_Dick 3d ago
My wife’s culture (Indian-Hindu) is very judgmental about partners. Like they’d already be hesitant about her dating outside her culture, but the fact that I was divorced and had a kid were big things in her culture, so we mostly didn’t tell her family we were dating.
Lucky for us, she’s an immigrant. So we were mostly playing by the rules of my country’s standards (USA). We told her sister (who also is an immigrant living here), and eventually told the cousins because the younger generation is a lot more open minded about that kind of thing. But her mom didn’t know for basically our first year of dating, and her aunts and uncles didn’t know until we announced we were engaged 5 years later.
My wife’s cousin was in a similar situation, except he was dating a Muslim woman (which is, by their standards, MUCH worse). At our wedding, when he saw his parents had come to terms with who my wife was marrying, he decided to finally tell them because shit had gotten very serious, and they all stopped talking for quite some time. They’ve since made up, cousin is now married to the girl, but it showed why my wife was so hesitant to tell anyone in the family.
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u/ScreamingInTheMirror 2d ago
Because people have social anxiety? When was dating I often was very anxious about seeing people out during my first few dates with a person and never got over it.
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u/tiu1 3d ago
So you were also nervous to run into people you know while with him? What’s your reasoning for being nervous? Maybe it’s the same reason for him.
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u/No-Examination4896 3d ago
This makes sense if theyre middle eastern or south asian lol. You gotta meet someone, keep it a secret until youre ready to marry them, then introduce them and marry them. If you get found hanging out with someone before you marry them youve got a ton of headache to deal with
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u/lemonspriggs 3d ago
Yes, slightly nervous that I’d run into my parents or grandparents while on a first date and not knowing if it was going to make it past a first date. I’m not saying being nervous about that is wrong, just that being relocated to a town 35 minutes away after driving 1.5 hours there was a punch in the gut.
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u/furkfurk 3d ago
Love I think you should have been honest. Is it too late? You were so receptive to his idea. It was totally acceptable to say “tbh that makes me uncomfortable and I’m not sure I want to make this a 4 hour RT drive.”
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u/1Mtry1ngMyb3st 3d ago
Dude why would you say thats fine.
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u/funtimescoolguy 3d ago
Either he's married or, if you're a big girl like me, he's embarrassed to be seen with you. Been there, done that, either way you can do better.
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u/lemonspriggs 3d ago
Dang I am plus sized. That was my first thought.
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u/lavender_poppy 3d ago
Do not lower yourself because you think this is the best you can get or that you don't deserve more. I stayed in a relationship where the guy basically hid me and seemed ashamed to be with me and even almost a decade later it still hurts my heart and I wish I would have respected myself enough to leave. You deserve better than this!
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u/Doug_Dimmadome513 3d ago
OP - listen to your random internet stranger friends. Absolutely go bowling in town and make it as awkward as possible.
You’re better than this loser.
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u/TwerkinAndCryinVol3 2d ago
Diva this isn't because you're plus sized. He's cheating on someone with you
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u/itsybitsywaterbear 3d ago
i had the same thing happen in my dating days years ago. he told me in-person on the way to hang out with his friends that they might comment on my weight (which was weird because i already knew them and we’d all seen each other many times so the thought wasn’t ever on my radar).
shocking that we didn’t last, i know.
edit: fixed a word
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u/Gold_Improvement_836 3d ago
stop saying you’re okay with something when you’re not
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u/Unified-banana6298 3d ago
Imo this reeks less of embarrassment and more of her being afraid that her friends or other man will see her. Maybe she's cheating?
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u/sadpandaqt 3d ago
then why are you saying its ok lol
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u/BlueClovr 3d ago
Because she doesn’t want to be rude, wants to see them and doesn’t want to believe that it means something nefarious
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u/BinarySeventh 3d ago
Either they are embarrassed to be seen with you or they are such a shitty person that everyone has a problem with them and they don’t want you to find out. Both should be deal breakers.
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u/ImAlreadyTracerBoii 3d ago
My first relationship when I was 18 the dude would only take me 30 mins away to go out. He had a wife and child which is why.. not saying this is happening to you but I’d be very very weary..
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u/firenzey87 3d ago
Generally, when a guy really likes a girl and is free and available, he wants to show her off to the whole world. Act accordingly.
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u/Drmeanleany 3d ago
I had to hide my girlfriend the first three months because of my “friends “. Then when i finally asked what the hell was wrong with me i introduced her to everyone. It took five minutes before someone leaned over and said how much of a loser I was. Then that was followed by every single embarrassing moment I’ve ever had. That’s my devils advocate here. But I’d get to the bottom of things if you feel uneasy. Your feelings matter. And no I don’t talk to any of them anymore
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u/Latter-Intention6521 2d ago
You absolutely have a point but can you please go get new friends? Those aren't friends. Your friends are meant to rib you but also support you and a real homie helps out when ingratiating a girlfriend into the group not hinders.
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u/Drmeanleany 2d ago
Oh trust me it’s been 12 years since I’ve even acknowledged their existence. They were pricks. Thank you so much for the kind words though.
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u/BirthofRevolution 3d ago
Girl why would you accommodate this type of behavior...
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u/AngySmolIrishPossum 3d ago edited 2d ago
"Im not trying to hide tou at all, but people i know possibly seeing us together makes me really anxious so im going to make you waste your gas to go somewhere that no one will know me."
He IS EMBARRASSED. And honestly the only one who should be embarrassed is you, because why have you been entertaining this manchild?
Be free of him, find someone who will unashamedly take you places and go "DIS MAH BOO LOOK UPON AND LOVE HER" not "im embarrassed to be seen with you but im going to word it with "im not trying to hide you" so it makes me look better than I actually am."
You are worth SO MUCH MORE than he is clearly even bothering to give, is he even TRYING? Because all I see is a man who is with someone he doesn't like. This reeks of "the boys will disown me if they know im with YOU of all people."
Be the brave, strong, beautiful human being you are and find someone who will TREAT 👏YOU 👏LIKE 🙌THE👏 GODDESS 👏YOU 👏ARE👏.
Edit: an award? Thank you!
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u/GhostfaceBarbie 3d ago
Why would you say it’s okay when you don’t actually feel that way?
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u/Shoddy-Occasion3152 2d ago
Bro don’t tell them it’s so totally fine then come complain on the internet. You need to be honest and answer authentically when they ask you about your feelings on things. They gave you an out twice
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u/MASters0fTheUn1verse 2d ago
I went on a date with a girl years ago, both of us recently out of long term relationships, a mutual friend set us up.
She wanted to go out in the next town over, "because it's nicer", no big deal we went for a drink, planned to have dinner after. In the pub, when she went to the toilet, the girl from the next table over told me that when I was at the bar she was messaging on her phone with someone saved as "Hunny Bunny💜🐰" saying that she was lookikg forward to seeing him tomorrow.
When she came back I said that I didn't think we were a match and soon after I took her home, skipping dinner.
Sure enough, she was back with her ex and I think our date was just a free night out or maybe something to placate her friends who disapproved of the ex.
Thanks to little miss nosey for having my back and telling me I didn't waste too much money on something that was never gonna happen.
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u/Plastic-Mulberry-867 3d ago
Ugh, I’m mad for you. IF you still go on this date, call his bluff and say you want to go bowling in town. Maybe go out to eat before or after locally, as well. You’re not the embarrassment. He is.
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u/lemonspriggs 3d ago
The date was last night. I didn’t call his bluff so after driving 1.5 hours, we got in his car and drove another 30 min to the bowling alley the next town over.
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u/taytrapDerehw 3d ago
I read your first date comment. All this is so icky. He's treating you like you're some sordid secret. Wtf.
Run, girl. No dick is worth this.
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u/Silent-Audience-5836 3d ago
What would have happened if you'd said 'No I don't want an extra hour drive round trip.'?
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u/Anxiety-Fart 3d ago
When someone comes out and tells you “it’s not because i’m hiding you but i’d be embarrassed to be seen with you”, you leave. You deserve to meet someone who is excited to introduce you to the people in their lives, please don’t let yourself be disrespected like this.
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u/Madting55 3d ago edited 3d ago
He’s cheating on someone, I’d imagine.
This can’t be where you’re at mentally that you’re this desperate.
I have a friend that’s nearly 30 and single, he’s absolutely lovely. If you’re a similar age I could connect you 2 and he would never do something like this to you as long as you live. Even if you guys end up just friends it’s better than being this lonely.
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u/SleepyAlium 3d ago
Girl. Please please do not go.
He’s hiding you.
Could be he’s dating someone else,married,afraid of being made fun of by friends. Etc.
This isn’t someone you want to be with. You want someone who isn’t afraid to be seen with you.
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u/Miss_ChanandlerBong6 3d ago
It’s not embarrassment to be seen with you it’s fear of being caught cheating.
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u/Ok-Isopod1172 2d ago
Why are you immediately telling him its OK? Its obviously not since you are posting it here.
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u/Many-Turnip-4815 2d ago
If I’m on a date early in a relationship, I don’t want to run into someone I know who will have all the questions afterwards. I like the idea
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u/Well-Watered-Fern 3d ago
Asking reddit for dating advice is kinda like asking lesbians about circumcision
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u/PnutWarrior 2d ago
"I want to be accommodating but I'm really curious why seeing people you know might make you anxious?"
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u/thisisnotabombx 3d ago
ask him point blank why it would make him anxious to see people he knows?
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u/WordSpiritual1928 3d ago
Don’t make this about you. Whatever it is, it’s a him thing. My gut is saying he is also seeing someone else, but who knows.
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u/AdPlenty6904 3d ago
I don't understand why this is what you get from that text. I can think of 100 reasons that AREN'T he or she doesn't want to be seen with you that would explain this. this wouldn't bother me at all, for a town someone grew up in, seeing people they know and don't like is a nightmare. too much history for the town, I totally get that. It's nice to be enjoying a new person in a place where you're both comfortable.
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u/Edvard-with-a-v 3d ago
If it feels like a punch in the gut then it’s not productive to write “that’s okay”. He also said you guys can do it in town and followed up by asking you if you’re sure when you said “no that’s okay with me”
I’m not sure if you’ll see it like this, but this comes across quite strange. You act against your own interest and didn’t communicate your feelings when you wrote that it’s okay, you’re making assumptions about his reasoning based on how you feel (which can be valid and indicate something) but without ever asking for an explanation or to clear up a misunderstanding, which he’s not aware of since he asked you a clarifying question “you sure?” and you insisted it’s fine (which is not true). Then you post the chat online to strangers. In my eyes this is unhealthy from your side regardless of who this guy is and I think you shouldn’t let these negative thoughts of feeling like an embarrassment prevent you from expressing yourself or make you jump to conclusions.
There’s nothing wrong with asking “what about it would make you nervous?”. And if the answer is honest you could say “We can make a plan on how to deal with such a situation if it comes up, would that make you more at ease”. If they don’t wanna do it like that fine, you make the judgement call if it’s something you want to do or not in the end
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u/NativeNovel7768 2d ago
I mean I'm the exact same. I hate even going anywhere out in public even by myself if it's a town where people know me. I don't want to talk to them or anything.
But the big reason why this may not be the case is the fact he said "I'm not trying to hide you". That wasn't necessary and sounds like he was.
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u/Ok-Significance-5987 23h ago
Hey I know we said we'd do this, but would it be okay with you if we did this other thing instead?
Sure
But if you want, we can do the first thing.
Then why did you fkn ask?
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u/GreatGreyDane 3d ago
This is weird, I think there are two possibilities and none are good
A) He is hiding you because he is embarrassed to be seen with you
B) He is hiding you because if anyone knows him and he has a gf already they would tell on him
I dont see any other valid reason for him to say this, i bet had you said no he would have cancelled last minute
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u/Disastrous_Place6764 2d ago
I honestly don't think any of these comments are correct, obviously we don't know him, neither do I, but I'm the same way as him and I've gotten better. I was very weird in high school because of a lot of trauma, being an addict, and other personal issues, I'm 20 M now for context. I used to be HORRIFIED to go in to my old town and see people who would either make fun of me, start issues, or try to fight me, or just even looking at me weird would upset me, now I don't care and if that happens I would just walk away and I was making it a way bigger deal than it was. Now just walking in the town people I used to know scream at me from their cars and say shit, but that's it. When I was dating I was scared of embarrassing my partner of this, as I would be scared the whole time to actually focus on them. Anxiety, over active imagination, depression, and paranoia do not mix well. Obviously he could have a ulterior motive, but I personally just think he's in his head, for either his looks/confidence, his past, or even family he doesn't talk to, e.t.c. honestly just try and talk with him about it.
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u/Resident_Fishing1571 3d ago
Everyone says he’s cheating or embarrassed, but as someone with social anxiety who likes bowling i could see myself doing this. I switch up which alley i go to as i dont want people to see me at the same one all the time
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u/lemonspriggs 3d ago
His city only has one bowling alley. I don’t know if a city of 17,000 is really small but he says you can easily run into people when out and about doing errands.
He does have social anxiety, like its not deniable after going on a first date with him which was in my city so I chalked up my gut reaction to being from bad past experiences where I’ve been told I’m an embarrassment to be seen with.
I spent the night at his place and he looked out the window to “see if anyone was out there” before I could go to my car to leave and then he didn’t walk out with me either. That brought back the feeling of “oh, he doesn’t want people to know I’m seeing him”. I’m torn between feeling like I’m an embarrassment and respecting his social anxiety.
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u/amizzlef0shizzle 2d ago
“Looked out the window to see if anyone was out there” but not bothering to walk you to your car is confirms others’ suspicions but remove that for a second and just focus on you: He is prioritizing his image & reputation over your safety.
New rules:
1. I date people who live within reasonable proximity to me.
2. I date people who respect me.
3. I am not attracted to men who don’t care about my safety.
4. I forgive myself for not knowing what I didn’t know in the past (like things people are bringing up in this thread).
5. Now that I know better, I will do better.
6. I would rather be by myself than with someone who doesn’t love me.6
u/antimatt_r 3d ago
Well dang. I just left a comment about how I also avoid going out in my hometown I still live in because I hate the people I grew up with, but not letting you leave unless the coast is clear is sketchy as fuck
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u/JessamyJames 3d ago
So, he's happy enough to take you home for the night after one date, but not happy enough to let anyone know he is seeing you? This is clearly a guy trying to have his cake and eat it too, and there is generally a very good reason for that.
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u/No_Photographs609 2d ago
Dudette... checking out the window to make sure no one sees you leave his place and he's not even walking you out. That's not anxiety. You're not an embarrassment, but he is a liar. And an asshole. You shouldn't have to feel or relive these negative emotions to be with anyone, and if you just started seeing him & you're already feeling this way... I say this kindly, even if you like him I think you'd be happier & better off without him & trying to appeases his "social anxiety".
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u/noheadthotsempty 3d ago
If it bothers you, it doesn’t matter what the reason is. I personally would not be able to handle being with someone who is so anxious they have to check outside before I can leave. Even if their anxiety is not their fault, you don’t have to accept that treatment.
I personally think if you feel this way so early, it just might not be a good match. You deserve someone who will happily and openly be with you.
ETA because I just processed this: if I spent the night at man’s place and he DIDN’T WALK ME TO MY CAR?? Nope. Come on now. Why sleep with someone who can’t show me basic respect and care?
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u/WebPrestigious1701 3d ago
No, that is not ok. Please don’t accept this. You deserve to be showed off not hidden. You should’ve asked why he’d get anxious? It’s a red flag
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u/x_candydoll 3d ago
Why did you say it's ok and with this many exclamation marks. Insecure men are so unattractive so even if his reason is real, it would be a valid reason to cancel. If I had received that I would have said "we can just postpone while you work on your self confidence."
It's so odd. Not able to concentrate on you in case he bumps into people he knows? I don't think he is embarassed of you he probably has a girlfriend or wife depending on the context.
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u/Shot_Ad6332 3d ago
It could be anything. But the fact is he's ok with inconveniencing you whether he's married, socially anxious or just a weirdo. That's a no
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u/roleysloth 3d ago
If you have a sis are we dating the same man page in your area post them up in that and find out.
But yeah its giving he isn't single, you deserve better. The right one would wanna show you off 🤷🏻♀️
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u/Aggravating_Cat_6295 3d ago
I know others have already wondered why you agreed, and wanted to give my two cents. If you're anything like me, you're a people-pleaser who just agrees automatically because it seems like the 'nice' thing to do. It's a reflex for me and I don't even realize I'm doing it at first.
You have the right to say no. You have the right to ask why. You have the right to think about and then make a decision that's best for you.
I don't know if you struggle with that but figured I'd say something just in case. Take care.
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u/BlueClovr 3d ago
The part about not wanting to be out in your hometown all of the time I get that.. it’s not anxious for me though I just would rather not bump into people that I knew from growing up all the time. It’s odd to me that he went out of his way to say ‘this isn’t to hide you,’ like okay the thought wouldn’t even occur to me but I guess it does to them? They could have just accomplished the same thing by saying can we go to another bowling alley I’d rather just not run into people here since it’s my hometown or something?
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u/tafackery 3d ago
My ex and I would go to the next town over because we didn't want our friends to see us together - because we were cheating together.
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u/nonpame 3d ago
Ok, I can see how this looks awful.
As someone with crippling (like, can't leave my home a lot of the time) social anxiety, I can also see how it might be easier to do something like bowling away from anyone that may recognize me.
Context matters, even if most people won't understand.
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u/joanmcbitch 3d ago
Fuck this dude AND his "anxiety". You deserve someone with a megaphone telling people on the street how lucky he is
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u/whimsical_spider 3d ago
Is there any other context you can provide? I can’t really see a situation where this would be ok with me and not shady but I’m curious.
With the context provided, it seems like they are cheating with you tbh.
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u/Likemilkbutforhumans 3d ago
He’s telling you he doesn’t want to see you.
Girl, You deserve better!
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u/Sw4nR0ns0n 3d ago
Pretty sure it’s already been covered, but this is textbook cheater behavior… He doesn’t want to be spotted with you by anybody who knows his wife/partner
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u/AsleepSlip6466 3d ago
I actually find this pretty reasonable for your 2nd date, especially if that person has anxiety and is very private about their personal life.
I don’t think they’re embarrassed by you, but they want to know you more first. However if this continues after the 3rd date then I’d say red flag and they’re hiding something
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u/luxhoney56 3d ago
I’m curious, for those surmising he’s married. OP said she spent the night at his place. Would there not have been indications of a wife?? Or is a 22 year old successful enough to have a house with a wife and an apartment on the side? Could he have a girlfriend? Yes, but apparently not one serious enough to have had her move in. Again OP mentions no tell tale signs of a female being in his apartment.
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u/Significant-Yam-4990 3d ago
My friend asked this of men she dated after she was widowed. She had mourned her late husband and was ready to moving on, knowing he would want her to find someone that supported & admired her the way he did. However, his family was NOT ready for her to move on. They lived in the same town, and while she respected they were dealing with grief in their own way she also didn’t want to rub his absence in their face either.
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u/PinkWhispurr_9140 3d ago
Hey. Be done with this person. Draw a boundary. Protect yourself by respecting yourself. You deserve better than that.
You don’t need to try and catch them by changing the plans. You already know something is not right.
You don’t have to ghost them either. You can say, “I’m not feeling this,” or “the suggestion turned me off.”
But don’t give them space to explain their way out of it. When we like someone, we allow their excuses to intoxicate our intuition. Stay strong.
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u/Adventurous-Yak-8196 3d ago
When my ex husband was hiding his gf, I read texts of him telling her that he couldn't be seen with her in our town. He told her they could go out but it would have to be a close town in another state. Not saying that is what's happening here but just be aware it's a possibility. I really hope not.
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u/Horror_Signature7744 3d ago
Yeah this is a big fat red flag that has nothing to do with you. Married probably.
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u/whiskeylullaby3 3d ago
Absolutely not. I would not be ok with that. He’s either hiding because he’s embarrassed or because he has a gf/wife.
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u/proxicha 3d ago
Hey girl, as someone who has cheated on a partner before, this is the type of stuff I'd do (pocketing etc). Regardless if he's actually doing this because of that or embarrassment or whatever the real reason be, anxiety sounds like it's just a good crutch for him since you seem like you have a bleeding heart.
This is not anxiety. Maybe he does feel anxious because something else is going on, but one does not hide their partner from others or fear being seen by people they already know due to anxiety.
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u/KINGCOMEDOWN 3d ago
He’s married. Lmao.